A Mother's Conditional Love
I felt sick to my stomach when I woke up this morning. I feel genuine dread about going to my mother's house. I will be walking into a trap essentially. Whether or not my sister would actually show up, which I am not afraid of if it does happen, my mother will still be employing her various tactics. I am not sure she will directly confront any of the issues, as she is a coward when it comes to confrontation, but things will be in the air regardless.
She may make her little passing comments and digs, which I will not tolerate. She may do the wispy woman thing, where she dramatically fights back tears as she makes her declarations about wanting "my kids together for the holiday".
Every time that damn question repeats in my head, my inner voice says "Why?". Why is it so necessary to have your kids together for the holiday? Why are you the only one who must be appeased? Why must everything be your way?
It is more of what I keep talking about, that dismissiveness that has been directed at me my entire life. She is saying that my feelings on this whole matter are unimportant, only her wishes matter. The wishes she expresses like a petulant child. Pouty, with this faux authoritativeness to it that comes across as completely weak and disingenuous. She has no power, nor can she possibly explain why it is so important that we all be together. Again, is it only to put on appearances... is that the only thing that matters?
Clearly, the only one seeking to protect me or defend me is myself. My mother would have me endure the toxic environment of my sister's behavior. She would have me cede the ground I've made, the progress of the past 12 months, and for what... to satisfy some childish, selfish idea she has that we simply must be together because we are "family". She is unable to see that we are not and have never been. We have basically been a group of traumatized, abused people who get together four or five times a year.
I talk so assuredly about how I see things, I know. And I question myself if perhaps there is more than one way to see this. Maybe my emotions and my pain are skewing my view on all this. Perhaps my mother is just an innocent victim. My sister's behavior is very real, very consistent and well documented though. I do not need a "professional opinion" at this point to diagnose her narcissism. It very clearly exists.
I see all the factors in my mother to put up my red flags. I know how she acts, I know how she talks. I know how she has used manipulative tactics throughout my life. I spent much of my adult life denying this fact, because I felt I was a bad child for doing so. But, I am not a child, as desperately as she (and my father and sister) wanted to always infer that I was. My mom often referring to me as "her baby" in the past whenever I would correct her for over-mothering me.
For example, when I'd go over there to out up Christmas lights, and she would carry on and on about if I was warm enough, if I needed gloves, if I needed another jacket, sometimes finding the items and shoving them at me. It was not a simple question/answer situation. She would dramatically go on and on about it, and not hear me saying I was fine. And when I would make a comment like "I am a grown man, I think I would know to put on a hat if I was cold" it was then that she would pull out the "but your my baby" crap. Again, part of this dismissiveness tactic, in which I am unable to think or care for myself or be seen as an adult.
It reminds me too of how often my sister, when referring to me with other people, would call me her "baby brother" or "little brother". Always making sure to announce the pecking order, with her being "on top" as the older sibling. It always annoyed me and I was never sure why. I just knew for years when she'd do it, it would cause a reaction within me. And it was meant to. She was consciously doing it to send a message. It was the narcissism at play. She had to diminish me to elevate her position in whatever the situation may be.
No, saying someone is the younger sibling is not necessarily an insult. But, she would put *such* an emphasis on it. And it was never "younger" brother. It was always "little" or "baby". My mother exhibiting similar methods with me. If not outright announcing I was her "baby", there was simply a pattern of behavior to imply I was too young, too naive, too stupid to handle life. I was a man in my 30s when my mother would clutch her pearls on the phone and tell me not to ride the L train at night. Constantly making comments about my living in the city and how she "wished" I would move to the suburbs.
And when I did, it was a winning situation for them. How invested my father was in it, I am not sure, but my mother was overjoyed. I was doing what she wanted me to do, so things became so pleasant for a time. But then the Sparrow and I met, got married and moved. Suddenly, the dissatisfaction was being expressed constantly again.
I have to keep reminding myself of all this stuff to shore up my defenses. I know when I walk into her house today the emotional manipulation and abuse is going to fly. And the guilt will be employed. She'll do whatever she can to try to make me feel bad about the growth I've experienced. And the topic of Thursday and Thanksgiving is going to be on the forefront. My intention is to very simply tell her that I am spending Thanksgiving at home. I really should not have to say anything more than that. I do not need to justify my actions, and doing so will only be playing their game. I know this.
But I feel the urge to explain myself, which is pointless. She will not hear what I am saying. She only cares about what she wants and her own feelings on the matter.
I watched a video the other day with a woman talking about a method in which to expose a person as a narcissist by asking a simple question. The question absolutely applies to my situation and I've been trying to repeat the question in my head so I could deploy it if the situation arises and see what the reaction is. It goes as such, "It seems you're only focused on your needs and not mine, is that intentional?"...
She says after you ask the question, she wants you to sing 'Happy Birthday' in your head. She admits this sounds comical, but the intention is to keep yourself focused and calm, and silent, to give the other person time to react. Which she says will likely be one (or all) of the following reactions: Rage, victimhood, insistence (as they continue to try to find a solution for *you* to be able to give them what they want), or they may step back to regroup only to come back later to get you to give up your boundaries again.
Now my mother, I can see her pouting and just going silent. As I've said, one of her ultimate weapons over the years has been the silent treatment. She was deploying it since I was a young child. I see it as her most likely tactic in this. But, she also wants her Christmas lights put up, so I don't see her doing anything to affect that situation (until they are all installed and plugged in).
I have to admit, I feel quite used by this situation today as well. Especially in light of the comments that were made implying it is my obligation to be there to fix her issues and work on things for her. Even if that thought came from my sister, my mother still spoke it so she must think it on some level.
I am annoyed and angry about having to do this today. I have two dozen other things I'd like to do around here and all of it now has to be put on hold. I offered my help to appease the woman, which means I am still playing the game. It can no longer be about me simply wanting to be "the good son" and helping. The entire dynamic has changed. I don't see how any action or situation between anyone in my family could be seen as genuine anymore. Everything has a subtext, or some toxic roots. I can't just help out of the "goodness" of my heart, because I am fully aware now of the toxic system we are living in.
I am sure I am repeating myself, because I seem to do that a lot lately, but since Friday I just don't even care about getting back at my sister or getting any kind of justice for this whole situation. I just want to walk away from it. I know in my heart my mother will never see the reality of the situation, and it is almost certain she is part of the problem. Why would I want to keep putting myself back into scenarios where *I* am looked at like the "bad" one or the crazy one or the selfish, childish one?
I do not need my mother's love. If I ever actually experienced any genuine form of it. My mother has spent decades trying to keep me from becoming an adult. They (both my parents) sabotaged my childhood and consistently demeaned, dismissed and actively tried to derail my growth. I understand being gay may make my situation a little different, but a healthy parent upon hearing that their child is getting married, does not turn around and repeatedly over the course of six months keep telling them "It's not the same when you live together", or any of several other negative comments to try stopping the event or ending the relationship.
This was my own mother. And I made excuses for it. I tried to say 'that's just how she is'. I defended this awful behavior because I was programmed to think *I* was the problem. I was originally not going to tell my own mother I was getting married, and considered taking off my ring when I would go visit her, just to avoid talking about what was a wonderful part of my life. That is not right, it's just sick.
In all this festering negativity I do feel it is important to remember that I have not compromised on who I am. Even with all that they have thrown against me. I did not reconsider getting married because of my mother's obvious displeasure with it. I did not stay in Illinois because my mother made her repeated negative comments about my leaving. I am my own person, and that *is* something... and not a small something.
I thought back just now, to when the Sparrow's family came into town around Christmas of 2020. And we had his family meet my mom and sister at my house where we made dinner. The entire time my mother was mousy and quiet, and my sister the obnoxious blowhard. And after dinner we all went to sit in the family room, and my mother and sister sat by the fireplace, huddled together like two of the three witches from Macbeth, barely participating in the conversation. So obviously ready to leave as soon as they were able to. Blatantly disinterested in being there.
Again, I remember at the time being hurt by it, but feeling somehow I needed to make an excuse for it. Like my mom was just tired from working overnight the day before. Or she had to go to church that afternoon so she needed to get home for that. We scheduled the dinner early specifically to appease her in that fact. Everything had to be about her, even though this was my (our) moment and should have been about us.
So much makes sense now. So many things from the past that have hurt me or bothered me make perfect sense viewed through this new lens.
Can I even continue to make the excuse that she is just naive and doesn't know what she is doing? I think the opposite could be true, and she knows full well (just like my sister) that she wants all the attention for herself. She wants her way, regardless. That was something my sister accused me of last Thanksgiving, during my failed attempt to discuss cutting back on the gift giving. She said, almost yelling, "Everything has to be your way"... I think this was right before she turned to my mother and said I was acting just like my sister-in-law.
I understand the comment was meant to gaslight me. And that the comment is the reverse of reality, and that everything has to be my sister's way. It flabbergasted me at the time though. It's gaslighting and its intent was to make me question myself, and ask if she was possibly right.
I cannot fall back into these traps today. I cannot. I just want to walk away from this toxic hell. I am not saying I am going to, but I need to prepare myself for the possibility. I think the course of my whole life has been preparing me for the possibility.
She may make her little passing comments and digs, which I will not tolerate. She may do the wispy woman thing, where she dramatically fights back tears as she makes her declarations about wanting "my kids together for the holiday".
Every time that damn question repeats in my head, my inner voice says "Why?". Why is it so necessary to have your kids together for the holiday? Why are you the only one who must be appeased? Why must everything be your way?
It is more of what I keep talking about, that dismissiveness that has been directed at me my entire life. She is saying that my feelings on this whole matter are unimportant, only her wishes matter. The wishes she expresses like a petulant child. Pouty, with this faux authoritativeness to it that comes across as completely weak and disingenuous. She has no power, nor can she possibly explain why it is so important that we all be together. Again, is it only to put on appearances... is that the only thing that matters?
Clearly, the only one seeking to protect me or defend me is myself. My mother would have me endure the toxic environment of my sister's behavior. She would have me cede the ground I've made, the progress of the past 12 months, and for what... to satisfy some childish, selfish idea she has that we simply must be together because we are "family". She is unable to see that we are not and have never been. We have basically been a group of traumatized, abused people who get together four or five times a year.
I talk so assuredly about how I see things, I know. And I question myself if perhaps there is more than one way to see this. Maybe my emotions and my pain are skewing my view on all this. Perhaps my mother is just an innocent victim. My sister's behavior is very real, very consistent and well documented though. I do not need a "professional opinion" at this point to diagnose her narcissism. It very clearly exists.
I see all the factors in my mother to put up my red flags. I know how she acts, I know how she talks. I know how she has used manipulative tactics throughout my life. I spent much of my adult life denying this fact, because I felt I was a bad child for doing so. But, I am not a child, as desperately as she (and my father and sister) wanted to always infer that I was. My mom often referring to me as "her baby" in the past whenever I would correct her for over-mothering me.
For example, when I'd go over there to out up Christmas lights, and she would carry on and on about if I was warm enough, if I needed gloves, if I needed another jacket, sometimes finding the items and shoving them at me. It was not a simple question/answer situation. She would dramatically go on and on about it, and not hear me saying I was fine. And when I would make a comment like "I am a grown man, I think I would know to put on a hat if I was cold" it was then that she would pull out the "but your my baby" crap. Again, part of this dismissiveness tactic, in which I am unable to think or care for myself or be seen as an adult.
It reminds me too of how often my sister, when referring to me with other people, would call me her "baby brother" or "little brother". Always making sure to announce the pecking order, with her being "on top" as the older sibling. It always annoyed me and I was never sure why. I just knew for years when she'd do it, it would cause a reaction within me. And it was meant to. She was consciously doing it to send a message. It was the narcissism at play. She had to diminish me to elevate her position in whatever the situation may be.
No, saying someone is the younger sibling is not necessarily an insult. But, she would put *such* an emphasis on it. And it was never "younger" brother. It was always "little" or "baby". My mother exhibiting similar methods with me. If not outright announcing I was her "baby", there was simply a pattern of behavior to imply I was too young, too naive, too stupid to handle life. I was a man in my 30s when my mother would clutch her pearls on the phone and tell me not to ride the L train at night. Constantly making comments about my living in the city and how she "wished" I would move to the suburbs.
And when I did, it was a winning situation for them. How invested my father was in it, I am not sure, but my mother was overjoyed. I was doing what she wanted me to do, so things became so pleasant for a time. But then the Sparrow and I met, got married and moved. Suddenly, the dissatisfaction was being expressed constantly again.
I have to keep reminding myself of all this stuff to shore up my defenses. I know when I walk into her house today the emotional manipulation and abuse is going to fly. And the guilt will be employed. She'll do whatever she can to try to make me feel bad about the growth I've experienced. And the topic of Thursday and Thanksgiving is going to be on the forefront. My intention is to very simply tell her that I am spending Thanksgiving at home. I really should not have to say anything more than that. I do not need to justify my actions, and doing so will only be playing their game. I know this.
But I feel the urge to explain myself, which is pointless. She will not hear what I am saying. She only cares about what she wants and her own feelings on the matter.
I watched a video the other day with a woman talking about a method in which to expose a person as a narcissist by asking a simple question. The question absolutely applies to my situation and I've been trying to repeat the question in my head so I could deploy it if the situation arises and see what the reaction is. It goes as such, "It seems you're only focused on your needs and not mine, is that intentional?"...
She says after you ask the question, she wants you to sing 'Happy Birthday' in your head. She admits this sounds comical, but the intention is to keep yourself focused and calm, and silent, to give the other person time to react. Which she says will likely be one (or all) of the following reactions: Rage, victimhood, insistence (as they continue to try to find a solution for *you* to be able to give them what they want), or they may step back to regroup only to come back later to get you to give up your boundaries again.
Now my mother, I can see her pouting and just going silent. As I've said, one of her ultimate weapons over the years has been the silent treatment. She was deploying it since I was a young child. I see it as her most likely tactic in this. But, she also wants her Christmas lights put up, so I don't see her doing anything to affect that situation (until they are all installed and plugged in).
I have to admit, I feel quite used by this situation today as well. Especially in light of the comments that were made implying it is my obligation to be there to fix her issues and work on things for her. Even if that thought came from my sister, my mother still spoke it so she must think it on some level.
I am annoyed and angry about having to do this today. I have two dozen other things I'd like to do around here and all of it now has to be put on hold. I offered my help to appease the woman, which means I am still playing the game. It can no longer be about me simply wanting to be "the good son" and helping. The entire dynamic has changed. I don't see how any action or situation between anyone in my family could be seen as genuine anymore. Everything has a subtext, or some toxic roots. I can't just help out of the "goodness" of my heart, because I am fully aware now of the toxic system we are living in.
I am sure I am repeating myself, because I seem to do that a lot lately, but since Friday I just don't even care about getting back at my sister or getting any kind of justice for this whole situation. I just want to walk away from it. I know in my heart my mother will never see the reality of the situation, and it is almost certain she is part of the problem. Why would I want to keep putting myself back into scenarios where *I* am looked at like the "bad" one or the crazy one or the selfish, childish one?
I do not need my mother's love. If I ever actually experienced any genuine form of it. My mother has spent decades trying to keep me from becoming an adult. They (both my parents) sabotaged my childhood and consistently demeaned, dismissed and actively tried to derail my growth. I understand being gay may make my situation a little different, but a healthy parent upon hearing that their child is getting married, does not turn around and repeatedly over the course of six months keep telling them "It's not the same when you live together", or any of several other negative comments to try stopping the event or ending the relationship.
This was my own mother. And I made excuses for it. I tried to say 'that's just how she is'. I defended this awful behavior because I was programmed to think *I* was the problem. I was originally not going to tell my own mother I was getting married, and considered taking off my ring when I would go visit her, just to avoid talking about what was a wonderful part of my life. That is not right, it's just sick.
In all this festering negativity I do feel it is important to remember that I have not compromised on who I am. Even with all that they have thrown against me. I did not reconsider getting married because of my mother's obvious displeasure with it. I did not stay in Illinois because my mother made her repeated negative comments about my leaving. I am my own person, and that *is* something... and not a small something.
I thought back just now, to when the Sparrow's family came into town around Christmas of 2020. And we had his family meet my mom and sister at my house where we made dinner. The entire time my mother was mousy and quiet, and my sister the obnoxious blowhard. And after dinner we all went to sit in the family room, and my mother and sister sat by the fireplace, huddled together like two of the three witches from Macbeth, barely participating in the conversation. So obviously ready to leave as soon as they were able to. Blatantly disinterested in being there.
Again, I remember at the time being hurt by it, but feeling somehow I needed to make an excuse for it. Like my mom was just tired from working overnight the day before. Or she had to go to church that afternoon so she needed to get home for that. We scheduled the dinner early specifically to appease her in that fact. Everything had to be about her, even though this was my (our) moment and should have been about us.
So much makes sense now. So many things from the past that have hurt me or bothered me make perfect sense viewed through this new lens.
Can I even continue to make the excuse that she is just naive and doesn't know what she is doing? I think the opposite could be true, and she knows full well (just like my sister) that she wants all the attention for herself. She wants her way, regardless. That was something my sister accused me of last Thanksgiving, during my failed attempt to discuss cutting back on the gift giving. She said, almost yelling, "Everything has to be your way"... I think this was right before she turned to my mother and said I was acting just like my sister-in-law.
I understand the comment was meant to gaslight me. And that the comment is the reverse of reality, and that everything has to be my sister's way. It flabbergasted me at the time though. It's gaslighting and its intent was to make me question myself, and ask if she was possibly right.
I cannot fall back into these traps today. I cannot. I just want to walk away from this toxic hell. I am not saying I am going to, but I need to prepare myself for the possibility. I think the course of my whole life has been preparing me for the possibility.