Through The Looking Glass
I've been feeling a lot of nostalgia for and reflecting on the early 2000s in the past week. Not exactly sure why. Just like with the 1990s, that period has a definitive "feeling" to it. When I think of a person or a song or a moment, the feeling washes over me like a flood. It is not a positive or negative feeling per say.
It's a sense of youth. That I was much younger than I thought I was. That the times seemed really rough living in them, but looking back it all seems fun, funny and "of its time". Living in the city for the first time. Being on my own for the first time. Yes, there was that period when I had a roommate, but that's a disaster I've recounted too many times.
I randomly thought of Wookie Goat Boy on Friday and was thinking about that whole relationship and how mesmerized I was at the time over it. Now, two decades later I am able to look back and see just how unhealthy and toxic it was. I wonder... no, let me restate... I *know* why my self-esteem was so low for so many years. And when thinking on myself, I do feel sad I guess that I thought so little of myself to get in such situations. Allowing my low self-worth to dictate my choices. Some very questionable and often bad choices.
Yet, the experience of it all is a part of my life and I do like remembering so many of the things that happened during that time, even if it makes me cringe at my own behavior. The world I was in has a look to it in my memories, in that same way a movie from the 1970s or 1980s has a particular look to it. The colors, the graininess. Even the music had its own style and hearing a song from that time takes me right back.
I think this trip down memory lane was due to my having been in the north suburbs two weeks ago. Driving past where Hunters used to be and listening to the music from that period in the late 90s. Naturally my mind would start wandering to other periods after, in its review of the past.
I do sometimes wonder where people are now and what they are doing. When it comes to relationships, I don't feel there's any "loose ends" to tie up. I don't have regrets about breaking up with anyone. Though I do have vague notions one might categorize as "regrets" involving my older self wishing my younger self would not have put up with some people's shit. Such is life though. So yea, I do wonder what Wookie Boy is doing now. And I just remembered someone else who I first met in the 1990s. And I am blanking on his moniker. We had dated in the 90s and he went psycho. We became friends later, but then he got into drugs and eventually contracted HIV. I stopped talking to him because of his drug use. Someone like that, I do wonder where they are now.
I see some faces of people I was acquaintances with whose names I cannot even remember. And people who I was very good friends with that I sometimes wonder if I should reach out to. Would it be opening a can of worms to start communicating with people who I essentially knew when I was a different person. I think for me, politics does play a part in this. I'd rather not open communications again with people who are going to judge me for my political positions. The "Great Purge of 2016" showed me that pretty much no one I knew was bipartisan. They all had their beliefs and those beliefs were all single-mindedly in one direction.
It was such a great time though, being young and living in the city. Back when it still had a slight edge. Before the straight liberals all moved in an destroyed the character of it. Working all day and still somehow having the energy to go out at night, and then still be able to wake up for work the next day. These days I don't even have to drink. If I go to bed late (and by late I mean after 10:00) I wake up feeling hungover even without drinking.
It was a time of spontaneity. A time with far fewer responsibilities. I had to work, of course. I had to pay rent, of course. Beyond that what obligations did I have?
Perhaps if I was more responsible and more focused, I'd be in a better financial place now. Hell, if I was where we are now, but had also been this responsible back then, I'd be a multi-millionaire today. I'm not going to beat myself up too hard though. Where we are now is great. And I can't change what happened back then, so I can't worry about it.
I was just remembering when I first moved to Boystown. That apartment I was in for only a year before the building got sold for condos. This three-flat, graystone. It was a dream to live in that place, though it cost a lot and inside it wasn't that great. But, I was coming home from work one day and I think I may have bumped into someone I knew from the 90s on the street, or maybe the El, and I dropped my bag off and went and sat outside at the Roscoe's cafe with them. Had some drinks and some laughs. It was great.
I loved living in Boystown when I did. Simple things like walking home from the train, walking to the grocery store. I *loved* being a resident in that neighborhood. Feeling like I was in the "action", so to speak. It was what I always wanted and I got to live that for a time. Before that, when I lived farther north, I'd walk around Lakeview and see people going about, coming in and out of their apartments and I dreamed of being one of those people. I'd sit in the front window of Melrose and watch the people going about their business and as stupid as it is, my dream was to become one of those people. And I did.
It was a great time period. Sure, maybe politics was a thing back then too. But, it wasn't as militant as it was now. When I've gone back through Boystown in recent years it truly frightens me. The BLM signs everywhere, hung by people who hope such a thing will spare their businesses from attack if riots break out. The rainbows being shoved down everyone's throat. It's funny, because we thought those rainbow pillars they installed on Halsted at some point in the 2000s were kinda dumb. Now they seem tame in comparison to the cult-like virtue signaling of today.
I guess in the 2000s, it was just a more innocent time. I was definitely more innocent, in some sense of the word. Naive is probably the better choice.
All we cared about was music and dancing and drinking and dating etc etc. It wasn't really reality. We were lying to ourselves about what life was and we had no real goals other than the next good time. But, that's not to say the times weren't good anyway.
I miss being young, of course. I think for the most part I embraced the youth I had at the time. I miss "discovery", if I were to try to be specific about something. I miss learning things for the first time. Whether it be in books or emotional experiences or just in life. That is part of that "feeling" I mentioned above. How the time had a sense to it, and a lot of that revolved around growing up and discovering what life was to me.
I think months back I was writing about this. That I missed having "passion" for things. I am in a routine now. It is not a bad routine. Well, other than work being like an anchor around my neck. I wake up every day and look out the windows and see that I *have* achieved many of my dreams. They would likely not be big dreams in the eyes of other people, but they were important to me and I've reached them. I live on this big plot of land, with nature all around me and it was one of the things I always wanted. I am not unhappy about this.
And maybe the passion and energy I seek means I need to become more active. Perhaps I need to start using that gym equipment in the garage. Maybe I need to rethink how work affects my mind. It doesn't bother me like it used to, but it still annoys me daily. I have to live with it, I have to work. Maybe there's a way to change my perspective on it.
I take vitamins every day. Since this past winter, I've changed my diet and have been eating healthy again. I've lost 20 pounds since last year doing that alone. Exercise would definitely help me. But, is my passion in there? Will I find it by running on a treadmill? Will it unlock my heart and mind? I did used to say it was all connected (as did every other philosopher in existence): Body, mind and soul.
I don't think getting older is a problem necessarily. I just loved being young. I think most people do to an extent. Perhaps not in being naive, though that does have its benefits. Just in the vigor and stamina that comes with youth.
And the hair... I miss my big, thick mane of hair from my late teens and early twenties.
I really don't have anywhere to go on lunch today. Yesterday everyone started emailing with issues right at lunch time. It makes me nervous to go anywhere. But, I think I might cue up some tunes from the 2000s and go for a quick drive. It's rainy and dark out, but I feel like having the breeze blow across my face. I feel like getting out of the house. Perhaps to remember other things I've long forgotten.
It's a sense of youth. That I was much younger than I thought I was. That the times seemed really rough living in them, but looking back it all seems fun, funny and "of its time". Living in the city for the first time. Being on my own for the first time. Yes, there was that period when I had a roommate, but that's a disaster I've recounted too many times.
I randomly thought of Wookie Goat Boy on Friday and was thinking about that whole relationship and how mesmerized I was at the time over it. Now, two decades later I am able to look back and see just how unhealthy and toxic it was. I wonder... no, let me restate... I *know* why my self-esteem was so low for so many years. And when thinking on myself, I do feel sad I guess that I thought so little of myself to get in such situations. Allowing my low self-worth to dictate my choices. Some very questionable and often bad choices.
Yet, the experience of it all is a part of my life and I do like remembering so many of the things that happened during that time, even if it makes me cringe at my own behavior. The world I was in has a look to it in my memories, in that same way a movie from the 1970s or 1980s has a particular look to it. The colors, the graininess. Even the music had its own style and hearing a song from that time takes me right back.
I think this trip down memory lane was due to my having been in the north suburbs two weeks ago. Driving past where Hunters used to be and listening to the music from that period in the late 90s. Naturally my mind would start wandering to other periods after, in its review of the past.
I do sometimes wonder where people are now and what they are doing. When it comes to relationships, I don't feel there's any "loose ends" to tie up. I don't have regrets about breaking up with anyone. Though I do have vague notions one might categorize as "regrets" involving my older self wishing my younger self would not have put up with some people's shit. Such is life though. So yea, I do wonder what Wookie Boy is doing now. And I just remembered someone else who I first met in the 1990s. And I am blanking on his moniker. We had dated in the 90s and he went psycho. We became friends later, but then he got into drugs and eventually contracted HIV. I stopped talking to him because of his drug use. Someone like that, I do wonder where they are now.
I see some faces of people I was acquaintances with whose names I cannot even remember. And people who I was very good friends with that I sometimes wonder if I should reach out to. Would it be opening a can of worms to start communicating with people who I essentially knew when I was a different person. I think for me, politics does play a part in this. I'd rather not open communications again with people who are going to judge me for my political positions. The "Great Purge of 2016" showed me that pretty much no one I knew was bipartisan. They all had their beliefs and those beliefs were all single-mindedly in one direction.
It was such a great time though, being young and living in the city. Back when it still had a slight edge. Before the straight liberals all moved in an destroyed the character of it. Working all day and still somehow having the energy to go out at night, and then still be able to wake up for work the next day. These days I don't even have to drink. If I go to bed late (and by late I mean after 10:00) I wake up feeling hungover even without drinking.
It was a time of spontaneity. A time with far fewer responsibilities. I had to work, of course. I had to pay rent, of course. Beyond that what obligations did I have?
Perhaps if I was more responsible and more focused, I'd be in a better financial place now. Hell, if I was where we are now, but had also been this responsible back then, I'd be a multi-millionaire today. I'm not going to beat myself up too hard though. Where we are now is great. And I can't change what happened back then, so I can't worry about it.
I was just remembering when I first moved to Boystown. That apartment I was in for only a year before the building got sold for condos. This three-flat, graystone. It was a dream to live in that place, though it cost a lot and inside it wasn't that great. But, I was coming home from work one day and I think I may have bumped into someone I knew from the 90s on the street, or maybe the El, and I dropped my bag off and went and sat outside at the Roscoe's cafe with them. Had some drinks and some laughs. It was great.
I loved living in Boystown when I did. Simple things like walking home from the train, walking to the grocery store. I *loved* being a resident in that neighborhood. Feeling like I was in the "action", so to speak. It was what I always wanted and I got to live that for a time. Before that, when I lived farther north, I'd walk around Lakeview and see people going about, coming in and out of their apartments and I dreamed of being one of those people. I'd sit in the front window of Melrose and watch the people going about their business and as stupid as it is, my dream was to become one of those people. And I did.
It was a great time period. Sure, maybe politics was a thing back then too. But, it wasn't as militant as it was now. When I've gone back through Boystown in recent years it truly frightens me. The BLM signs everywhere, hung by people who hope such a thing will spare their businesses from attack if riots break out. The rainbows being shoved down everyone's throat. It's funny, because we thought those rainbow pillars they installed on Halsted at some point in the 2000s were kinda dumb. Now they seem tame in comparison to the cult-like virtue signaling of today.
I guess in the 2000s, it was just a more innocent time. I was definitely more innocent, in some sense of the word. Naive is probably the better choice.
All we cared about was music and dancing and drinking and dating etc etc. It wasn't really reality. We were lying to ourselves about what life was and we had no real goals other than the next good time. But, that's not to say the times weren't good anyway.
I miss being young, of course. I think for the most part I embraced the youth I had at the time. I miss "discovery", if I were to try to be specific about something. I miss learning things for the first time. Whether it be in books or emotional experiences or just in life. That is part of that "feeling" I mentioned above. How the time had a sense to it, and a lot of that revolved around growing up and discovering what life was to me.
I think months back I was writing about this. That I missed having "passion" for things. I am in a routine now. It is not a bad routine. Well, other than work being like an anchor around my neck. I wake up every day and look out the windows and see that I *have* achieved many of my dreams. They would likely not be big dreams in the eyes of other people, but they were important to me and I've reached them. I live on this big plot of land, with nature all around me and it was one of the things I always wanted. I am not unhappy about this.
And maybe the passion and energy I seek means I need to become more active. Perhaps I need to start using that gym equipment in the garage. Maybe I need to rethink how work affects my mind. It doesn't bother me like it used to, but it still annoys me daily. I have to live with it, I have to work. Maybe there's a way to change my perspective on it.
I take vitamins every day. Since this past winter, I've changed my diet and have been eating healthy again. I've lost 20 pounds since last year doing that alone. Exercise would definitely help me. But, is my passion in there? Will I find it by running on a treadmill? Will it unlock my heart and mind? I did used to say it was all connected (as did every other philosopher in existence): Body, mind and soul.
I don't think getting older is a problem necessarily. I just loved being young. I think most people do to an extent. Perhaps not in being naive, though that does have its benefits. Just in the vigor and stamina that comes with youth.
And the hair... I miss my big, thick mane of hair from my late teens and early twenties.
I really don't have anywhere to go on lunch today. Yesterday everyone started emailing with issues right at lunch time. It makes me nervous to go anywhere. But, I think I might cue up some tunes from the 2000s and go for a quick drive. It's rainy and dark out, but I feel like having the breeze blow across my face. I feel like getting out of the house. Perhaps to remember other things I've long forgotten.