The Passive Aggressive Polka
My mood *had* toned down a bit, until 20 minutes ago. Now I am blazing twice as hot as I was yesterday.
When I went to feed the birds this morning I opened up the garage and there was a bottle of cat pee cleaner placed next to the corner of the garage door. A fucking nuke went off in my head. It is so funny too because I am fully aware this reaction is not just because of this bottle of cleaner or the fact that this woman came onto our property at some point to deposit it passive aggressively next to our garage. This is about my sister. This is about my mom and her little comments and her passive aggressive actions throughout my whole lifetime. This is about people trying to placate me and play into my sympathies. People over the course of my whole life who have taken advantage of me trying to be a nice person. This is about people who refuse to take personal responsibility for anything. A history, a lifetime of my encountering and being enmeshed with all this toxic assholes.
After a few minutes of raging in my head over it while replacing the jelly cups for the oriole feeders I grabbed the bottle and pitched it through the opening of the bushes back onto her property. Comically, I'd wanted it to go quite a distance but the cap broke off in my hand and the bottle only went ten feet or so. Of course.
The Sparrow and I both agreed that this almost seemed like a sign she wasn't going to do anything about the problem. Yet another placating action. And the fact that this woman was creeping around outside our house at some point really, REALLY bugs me. I've wanted a camera system for a long time and this kind of thing only makes me anxious to get it in place sooner.
We did not ask you to give us piss cleaner. We did not ask you to find a solution to the pee that was already ON our fucking house. We wanted you to solve the root of the fucking issue, which is your cat. This is not difficult to understand... for a sane person.
I am absolutely sure she is seeing herself as the victim of all this. She probably thinks that yet again white males are trying to come at her and ruin her life. In this liberal psychosis she exists in where she has no responsibility for anything in her life that happens.
The rage I feel over this simple bottle of cleaner is ridiculously disproportionate. I almost feel like channeling it at my mom when I call her later this morning for our usual Friday talk. I am so sick of things NOT being discussed. This silent shame and anxiety she tries putting on me about not talking to my sister. The excuses and the constant defenses she throws up to protect my sister from any responsibility or criticism. Just like she would do to my dad when he would comment on my sister's shortcomings and bad behavior.
In tandem with all this drama the Sparrow is having drama at work with his new manager who is not engaging or capable in any way. It is not only the Sparrow being affected by this. All the employees in this new storefront have issues with the guy and they were all supposed to meet with him one on one with this other co-manager-in-suggestion-only who is cool I guess, and was hired to be a manager, but then when everyone asked about him being so, the shit company for some reason freaked out and said it wasn't so, even though he and they were told it was. It's all so fucking stupid. The place is run terribly and has echoes of my experiences at the Playpen.
Well this asshole, who we'll call Brett, put off these meetings yesterday and eventually only met with one person at 4:00. Likely thinking if he waited till the end of the day people would want to rush through it and not say anything so they could just go home. That didn't happen, and the first chick unloaded. They were supposed to then meet with the Sparrow this morning at 7:00. As of 8:00 it still has not happened.
In the interim this Brett asshole sent out an email that they were updating the scheduling and moved the Sparrow to work till 6:00 on Thursdays. Something that was never discussed before this. Except over a year ago when he sat down with this Brett asshole and one of the owners and said he'd be open to helping on the schedule, but that he would not simply take over Thursdays or Saturdays and certainly wouldn't even help without there being a *discussion*. This was all agreed to back then by both of this morons.
But no one at this shit company keeps their word, which is why they discourage people from putting anything in writing. That way they can lie later and say things that were discussed never were.
This Brett asshole is also very close to the other manager, the Disney Pedo that was giving the Sparrow grief the previous years before this. It is so obvious the pedo is still pulling some of these strings with everything that is happening. The funny thing though is that every other employee there has issues with Brett the asshole so they can't claim that this is somehow only the Sparrow being "difficult".
We need this money. Desperately. The cost of everything thanks to Bidenomics and braindead pedo liberals is so out of hand now we are running out of spending money at the end of every month. If he were to get fired for taking this stand, we'd have to put our extra mortgage payment plan on hold. It'd affect our entire future plans. Yet, I don't feel like that matters in the face of self-respect and decency. I've had a lifetime before this of being treated like garbage by employers. The Sparrow tolerates far less than I ever did and I fully support him taking this stand, regardless of the short term consequences.
This is about more than a schedule... This is yet again about people's bad behavior. People taking advantage of the decent, responsible folks in society to get away with their shit. And this Brett asshole is a shit. He is hardly ever on site. He does not discuss issues with employees directly. He hides behind email, sometimes sending folks messages when he's sitting two feet from them... Miss Managed used to do this same shit. He leaves early all the time. When he goes to the other location for "training" he just sits around and talks all day.
AND, he was already once the manager of a different department at the other location. He was so bad that all the employees in that department went to HR together and he was removed from the position. But he sucks such good dick with one of the owners they won't get rid of him.
The Sparrow has the ear of one of the other owners and he's met with the guy a few times. It seemed successful, but we see now how little it accomplished. What with one of the discussions being about lack of communication and schedules. I've been telling him for WEEKS he needed to email this guy and setup a meeting. Not only with the two of them, but with the other folks in the store. Because they are looking to move this storefront to an actual new building location over summer and it is already being setup for disaster by the incompetence of this guy. The Sparrow asked the non-manager guy if he'd be game for such a meeting and this guy thought they should do these one on one meetings with Brett the asshole first.
I am so sick of shitty people getting away with their shitty behavior. I am tired of bad people being awarded and protected. I am tired of seeing decent people miserable because they are trapped in these toxic situations. Made to feel as if *they* are the assholes and the bad guys for just wanting to do their jobs and get through their days. Or just wanting to live in their house without it being covered in cat piss.
I am ready to have a confrontation with someone about something. Whether it by my mom or my sister or this commie feminist liberal cat bitch. They won't change. They won't take responsibility. They won't admit their own faults. But fuck me if I won't still tell them to their fucking faces what their faults are.
I was trying to analyze fear and anxiety within myself last night as far as this cat situation. Trying to understand why it is I feel like a bad person for wanting something completely rational and understandable. I thought about some of the info I've taken in about toxic and narcissistic family situations and the one guy talks about how we are programmed from childhood to react in certain ways, often in ways that benefit the toxic situation. And lord knows my entire life has been this. How I deal with people and situations and adversity. I've been programmed to think I deserve it. I've been programmed to think I cannot do anything about it.
Just now I had an instant flashback in my head of sophomore Spanish class. The day that I was beaten on the head by several students with rolled up school newspapers. This was after the guy in front of me and behind me started rubbing my shoulders and my legs and having a mock fight over who was going to take me out on a date that weekend. I sat silently and did nothing. Every blow that came down on my head, I did not react to. My glasses got bent on my face. I. Did. Nothing.
I sat there weak and nonreactive. Afraid of what? Getting a detention for protecting myself? Yes, partially true because my parents, mother specifically, put the this anxiety within me about ever missing the bus and what an inconvenience it would be if she ever had to come pick me up.
But, it wasn't just about detention. It was about my parents not teaching me any self-value. Not being taught to stand up for myself. In fact, likely my parents jointly worked against such character development. Whether consciously or subconsciously they demeaned me and devalued me and de-personed me for their own purposes. Because of their own shortcomings and flaws.
There is a war raging inside of me right now. A fight against this programming that would have me believe I am worth nothing and this new perspective I have that I have value. That my life IS worth something. That I have nothing to be ashamed of about myself. This isn't even just about the gay thing. This is about an entire perspective on who I see myself as as a whole person. I don't consider being gay as an identity. It is just some small facet of everything.
I feel great amounts of resentment because I feel my mother is constantly trying to pull me back into the toxicity. I don't know if it even matters if she's aware or not that she is doing it. Or if it is just programming of her own at play. I resent the woman though. I resent her weakness and her unwillingness to stand up for herself. It disgusts me. And it is a direct reflection of how I see myself. Afraid, weak, pathetic.
But I'm not. Yes, I have fear. But, I've also done some pretty fucking courageous things in my life, especially in the past decade. I've had people tell me they think so much, and the weak part of me dismisses it because I am ashamed and I don't believe what they say. I believe I am a piece of shit.
When the Boss was talking to me a few weeks ago about the postcard thing that I do for his aunt and uncle and the elderly he complimented me continuously about what a "good" thing it was and how I didn't even know how much of a difference it was making for some people. I felt this gross shame within myself at his compliments. I was embarrassed and made dismissive jokes about the situation. I could not accept the compliment because I cannot believe I am a decent person.
This goes back years. I remember breaking down into tears at certain points in life when people from my past would tell me I was a good person. I could not believe it. And even now this battle within is wrapped up in these false perceptions. Whether I am "good" or not in a spiritual sense is left up to God to judge. But there is nothing wrong with a person having a health self-image and self-acceptance. I DO deserve to treat myself well. Not in some narcissistic, toxic way in which I uplift myself by putting other people down. And I know I do that too sometimes.
This is a period of upheaval and character development for me. I have no idea where it is going next. It may only last as long as this rage is burning inside of me. Frankly, it feels good to be this angry about how poorly other people have treated me. I should be mad as hell about it.
When I went to feed the birds this morning I opened up the garage and there was a bottle of cat pee cleaner placed next to the corner of the garage door. A fucking nuke went off in my head. It is so funny too because I am fully aware this reaction is not just because of this bottle of cleaner or the fact that this woman came onto our property at some point to deposit it passive aggressively next to our garage. This is about my sister. This is about my mom and her little comments and her passive aggressive actions throughout my whole lifetime. This is about people trying to placate me and play into my sympathies. People over the course of my whole life who have taken advantage of me trying to be a nice person. This is about people who refuse to take personal responsibility for anything. A history, a lifetime of my encountering and being enmeshed with all this toxic assholes.
After a few minutes of raging in my head over it while replacing the jelly cups for the oriole feeders I grabbed the bottle and pitched it through the opening of the bushes back onto her property. Comically, I'd wanted it to go quite a distance but the cap broke off in my hand and the bottle only went ten feet or so. Of course.
The Sparrow and I both agreed that this almost seemed like a sign she wasn't going to do anything about the problem. Yet another placating action. And the fact that this woman was creeping around outside our house at some point really, REALLY bugs me. I've wanted a camera system for a long time and this kind of thing only makes me anxious to get it in place sooner.
We did not ask you to give us piss cleaner. We did not ask you to find a solution to the pee that was already ON our fucking house. We wanted you to solve the root of the fucking issue, which is your cat. This is not difficult to understand... for a sane person.
I am absolutely sure she is seeing herself as the victim of all this. She probably thinks that yet again white males are trying to come at her and ruin her life. In this liberal psychosis she exists in where she has no responsibility for anything in her life that happens.
The rage I feel over this simple bottle of cleaner is ridiculously disproportionate. I almost feel like channeling it at my mom when I call her later this morning for our usual Friday talk. I am so sick of things NOT being discussed. This silent shame and anxiety she tries putting on me about not talking to my sister. The excuses and the constant defenses she throws up to protect my sister from any responsibility or criticism. Just like she would do to my dad when he would comment on my sister's shortcomings and bad behavior.
In tandem with all this drama the Sparrow is having drama at work with his new manager who is not engaging or capable in any way. It is not only the Sparrow being affected by this. All the employees in this new storefront have issues with the guy and they were all supposed to meet with him one on one with this other co-manager-in-suggestion-only who is cool I guess, and was hired to be a manager, but then when everyone asked about him being so, the shit company for some reason freaked out and said it wasn't so, even though he and they were told it was. It's all so fucking stupid. The place is run terribly and has echoes of my experiences at the Playpen.
Well this asshole, who we'll call Brett, put off these meetings yesterday and eventually only met with one person at 4:00. Likely thinking if he waited till the end of the day people would want to rush through it and not say anything so they could just go home. That didn't happen, and the first chick unloaded. They were supposed to then meet with the Sparrow this morning at 7:00. As of 8:00 it still has not happened.
In the interim this Brett asshole sent out an email that they were updating the scheduling and moved the Sparrow to work till 6:00 on Thursdays. Something that was never discussed before this. Except over a year ago when he sat down with this Brett asshole and one of the owners and said he'd be open to helping on the schedule, but that he would not simply take over Thursdays or Saturdays and certainly wouldn't even help without there being a *discussion*. This was all agreed to back then by both of this morons.
But no one at this shit company keeps their word, which is why they discourage people from putting anything in writing. That way they can lie later and say things that were discussed never were.
This Brett asshole is also very close to the other manager, the Disney Pedo that was giving the Sparrow grief the previous years before this. It is so obvious the pedo is still pulling some of these strings with everything that is happening. The funny thing though is that every other employee there has issues with Brett the asshole so they can't claim that this is somehow only the Sparrow being "difficult".
We need this money. Desperately. The cost of everything thanks to Bidenomics and braindead pedo liberals is so out of hand now we are running out of spending money at the end of every month. If he were to get fired for taking this stand, we'd have to put our extra mortgage payment plan on hold. It'd affect our entire future plans. Yet, I don't feel like that matters in the face of self-respect and decency. I've had a lifetime before this of being treated like garbage by employers. The Sparrow tolerates far less than I ever did and I fully support him taking this stand, regardless of the short term consequences.
This is about more than a schedule... This is yet again about people's bad behavior. People taking advantage of the decent, responsible folks in society to get away with their shit. And this Brett asshole is a shit. He is hardly ever on site. He does not discuss issues with employees directly. He hides behind email, sometimes sending folks messages when he's sitting two feet from them... Miss Managed used to do this same shit. He leaves early all the time. When he goes to the other location for "training" he just sits around and talks all day.
AND, he was already once the manager of a different department at the other location. He was so bad that all the employees in that department went to HR together and he was removed from the position. But he sucks such good dick with one of the owners they won't get rid of him.
The Sparrow has the ear of one of the other owners and he's met with the guy a few times. It seemed successful, but we see now how little it accomplished. What with one of the discussions being about lack of communication and schedules. I've been telling him for WEEKS he needed to email this guy and setup a meeting. Not only with the two of them, but with the other folks in the store. Because they are looking to move this storefront to an actual new building location over summer and it is already being setup for disaster by the incompetence of this guy. The Sparrow asked the non-manager guy if he'd be game for such a meeting and this guy thought they should do these one on one meetings with Brett the asshole first.
I am so sick of shitty people getting away with their shitty behavior. I am tired of bad people being awarded and protected. I am tired of seeing decent people miserable because they are trapped in these toxic situations. Made to feel as if *they* are the assholes and the bad guys for just wanting to do their jobs and get through their days. Or just wanting to live in their house without it being covered in cat piss.
I am ready to have a confrontation with someone about something. Whether it by my mom or my sister or this commie feminist liberal cat bitch. They won't change. They won't take responsibility. They won't admit their own faults. But fuck me if I won't still tell them to their fucking faces what their faults are.
I was trying to analyze fear and anxiety within myself last night as far as this cat situation. Trying to understand why it is I feel like a bad person for wanting something completely rational and understandable. I thought about some of the info I've taken in about toxic and narcissistic family situations and the one guy talks about how we are programmed from childhood to react in certain ways, often in ways that benefit the toxic situation. And lord knows my entire life has been this. How I deal with people and situations and adversity. I've been programmed to think I deserve it. I've been programmed to think I cannot do anything about it.
Just now I had an instant flashback in my head of sophomore Spanish class. The day that I was beaten on the head by several students with rolled up school newspapers. This was after the guy in front of me and behind me started rubbing my shoulders and my legs and having a mock fight over who was going to take me out on a date that weekend. I sat silently and did nothing. Every blow that came down on my head, I did not react to. My glasses got bent on my face. I. Did. Nothing.
I sat there weak and nonreactive. Afraid of what? Getting a detention for protecting myself? Yes, partially true because my parents, mother specifically, put the this anxiety within me about ever missing the bus and what an inconvenience it would be if she ever had to come pick me up.
But, it wasn't just about detention. It was about my parents not teaching me any self-value. Not being taught to stand up for myself. In fact, likely my parents jointly worked against such character development. Whether consciously or subconsciously they demeaned me and devalued me and de-personed me for their own purposes. Because of their own shortcomings and flaws.
There is a war raging inside of me right now. A fight against this programming that would have me believe I am worth nothing and this new perspective I have that I have value. That my life IS worth something. That I have nothing to be ashamed of about myself. This isn't even just about the gay thing. This is about an entire perspective on who I see myself as as a whole person. I don't consider being gay as an identity. It is just some small facet of everything.
I feel great amounts of resentment because I feel my mother is constantly trying to pull me back into the toxicity. I don't know if it even matters if she's aware or not that she is doing it. Or if it is just programming of her own at play. I resent the woman though. I resent her weakness and her unwillingness to stand up for herself. It disgusts me. And it is a direct reflection of how I see myself. Afraid, weak, pathetic.
But I'm not. Yes, I have fear. But, I've also done some pretty fucking courageous things in my life, especially in the past decade. I've had people tell me they think so much, and the weak part of me dismisses it because I am ashamed and I don't believe what they say. I believe I am a piece of shit.
When the Boss was talking to me a few weeks ago about the postcard thing that I do for his aunt and uncle and the elderly he complimented me continuously about what a "good" thing it was and how I didn't even know how much of a difference it was making for some people. I felt this gross shame within myself at his compliments. I was embarrassed and made dismissive jokes about the situation. I could not accept the compliment because I cannot believe I am a decent person.
This goes back years. I remember breaking down into tears at certain points in life when people from my past would tell me I was a good person. I could not believe it. And even now this battle within is wrapped up in these false perceptions. Whether I am "good" or not in a spiritual sense is left up to God to judge. But there is nothing wrong with a person having a health self-image and self-acceptance. I DO deserve to treat myself well. Not in some narcissistic, toxic way in which I uplift myself by putting other people down. And I know I do that too sometimes.
This is a period of upheaval and character development for me. I have no idea where it is going next. It may only last as long as this rage is burning inside of me. Frankly, it feels good to be this angry about how poorly other people have treated me. I should be mad as hell about it.