Tit For Tat
Technically the work day doesn't start till 8 A.M. so I've done everything but focus on work so far this morning. It's Monday, so it's laundry day. I've also passed the time by tagging some rubber ducks to fill up the box in the Jeep where we keep our steady supply. Mentally, I have zero interest in work. But, I am also feeling the intense anxiety of several projects I am currently working on and ones waiting in the wings to be dealt with. I remain consistently disinterested in working for a living.
I had a video playing in the background about comparisons between functional and dysfunctional families. Of course, most of the items for the latter category line up with how my family has been for my entire life. It is quite depressing to have spent so much time in the past month and a half thinking on the shortcomings of my family. It is why I feel so lackadaisical about just cutting ties with them. The thought is less upsetting to me and more of a comfort as it would mean the end to the constant anxiety and pain I have dealing with them (or even just thinking about them).
It's not as if I haven't known my family was screwed up for most of my adult life. I'd often make excuses for this, or say that we at least weren't as bad as someone else's family. However, these days it feels like less of a comfort in making comparisons and measuring our dysfunction next to other people's. I would always say my parents did the best they could, and I do mostly believe that. Though I know they could have done better. Perhaps if they both had dealt with their own life traumas and such their kids wouldn't have all been so screwed up.
My focus this morning, having been listening to this video, is back to the fact that I was never listened to or taken seriously my entire life. Opinions I had within my family were openly mocked and dismissed. I feel the anxiety of that even just typing about it. That rage that I want to just scream my head off for them to listen to me. But, it's too late. I'm a grown man now. All of this should be irrelevant, right?
I know better than that though. I know these traumas stick with people for their entire lives, unless they find a way to process them and deal with them. It's why my mother who is almost 80 is still crippled by her past, and still often acts like a little child because of it. Though her behavior makes it possible for me to be aware of mine and reflect on all these things. Which in the end is helpful in a way.
I am aware I am not a doctor, so I have no authority to diagnose anyone with anything (not that I have much respect for doctors and their opinions anyway), but I cannot say for sure if my father suffered from narcissistic personality disorder. I think it's highly likely, based on random memories that emerge when I think of him. I do think, without a doubt, my sister suffers from it severely. I have all the evidence I need to make that judgement.
My mother suffers from some, or many, ailments. I do not think NPD applies with her, but I am not sure. I have become hyperaware of her manipulation tactics as of late. I always knew she used emotional manipulation to get attention or a reaction in the past. This is nothing new as far as my perception of things goes. I often excuse this by saying that she is a naive woman and that she is just reacting as a child would, in order to try acquiring love and attention from her target. The question really is if this behavior has been ramped up as of late, or if it was always this bad and I simply was less aware because my father was the go-between, or perhaps I was not developed enough cognitively myself to really see it.
I believe a lot of what is happening is due to my age and the fact that I am adult enough now to see this stuff and be more aware of it. Especially now being married and having someone else that is experiencing a lot of these things with me. It allows me to see a different perspective, hear different opinions and frankly have someone (or multiple people) who can point out to me that *I* am not obviously the issue in many of these situations.
For example, I've had blow-ups and issues with my sister in the past, but I think back then I always ended up feeling guilty for not stepping back or just letting things be. I felt like it was my duty "for the family" to keep my opinions to myself, in order to keep the family structure in tact. I see now how wrong that thinking was, because it simply allowed my sister's behavior to become even more destructive. Maybe years and years ago, if I would have had the courage to say something, her narcissism might have been abated. I can't sit here and theorize about the past or assume any blame for how things are now, I am just contemplating.
I know how my mother and sister think, and I feel as if the two of them are looking at my relationship to the Sparrow and potentially his family as a reason why *I* am now acting "this way". This goes back to how my opinions have never been taken seriously and how I am looked at as a child. Because of this, they likely think it is some kind of "influence" the Sparrow has over me that may be causing me to revolt. My sister may be wiser than this, but in her need to manipulate my mother she most definitely would allude to the fact that my brother was manipulated by his wife... so to "win" my mother to her side, my sister would make that correlation.
This is more than just theory really, because my sister evoked my sister-in-law's name at Thanksgiving during her blow-up. And TWICE now my mother has commented on the Bro-in-Law, making illogical comparisons between how I treat/interact with him and my relationship with my sister. The comedy of that being the fact that my mother really knows nothing about me, my life, my interactions with people etc etc. She has seemed almost disinterested in retaining any information about me throughout my life. Often coupled with that dismissiveness by which she perceives me and/or treats me like a child.
The Sparrow's family is in no way perfect. They have all their own issues. From a cheating father who at the very least verbally abused his children, and physically abused their older brother. Their mother having to deal with the fallout of their divorce. His sister tends to be overly-emotional and has social anxieties when dealing with people. And that older brother of there's is somewhat of a complete loser, and even their mother is able to admit to that.
I think I have actively attempted NOT to speak too much of his family before around my mother, walking on eggshells because I know how she is. When the Sparrow's mom visited here last May I did not even tell my mother she was coming because I knew it would stir up anxieties and jealousies. One of the motivations my mother spoke of for her having come to see the house by herself the first time was simply due to the fact that the Sparrow's sister had already come or was about to because of the medical issues with their father. My mother couldn't just come to see the house, it had to be because some of the Sparrow's family was going to be here. And that is the child mentality of my mother.
She would never choose to do something because she wanted to do it, or because it would be nice and normal for a parent to want to see their child's new house. No, she came because of some mentally fucked up competition in her head that someone from the Sparrow's family was coming/came, so she *had* to come. This was probably the main motivation behind me NOT telling her about the Sparrow's mom coming. Because I did not want it to be the new excuse as to why my mother decided to come here again. If she was going to come, I wanted it to be because she CHOSE to out of her own desire. Not out of guilt or obligation.
Though, every time she does come... or should I say, the three times she has, it has always been miserable. There's no fun to be had. No joy in showing the house or the garden. No pleasure in having lunch somewhere. From the second she gets to the house, she very obviously wants to leave. When my sister is in tow, as I've written before, this desire to go home is also often openly stated, repeatedly, the *entire* time (by my sister). There's not even an attempt to pretend otherwise. They both want me to know how inconvenient it is for them to have to come here.
Why the hell would I ever want either of them in our house after having endured this multiple times?
It is absolutely exhausting dealing with all this mental, anxiety-inducing, narcissistic dysfunction. I think it is perfectly logical that I feel like I do not want these relationships. I can't use my brother as an excuse as to why I *must* endure the torture of it. He made his choices. I cannot allow guilt or this perceived obligation to keep me from making whatever choices I want to. I am not even saying I am thinking of cutting my mother off. But, I don't feel right now that it'd be a huge loss if that did occur.
What relationship do I even have with this woman? She doesn't really know who I am as a person. If I ever attempt to tell her, she'll either retort that she knows better than me about my own personality, or she'll comment that some trait or interest of mine MUST have been acquired by me copying someone else or from something I saw on TV. In her mind, I have no independent thought or personal development. Since Christmas always seems to be an event at the heart of all this, it is another perfect example of how she knows nothing about me. Because she cannot just go out and find a gift for me. She HAS to have some kind of list in order to think of anything. Even though we often talk about interests I have... very basic interests like gardening or birdwatching. She seemingly can't even remember these things.
This makes it very comedic when her (and my sister) invoke this idea that we are "family" and therefore the members within have to come first. Mind you, *I* would never come first to them. Being "family" really means that I am supposed to accept and tolerate my sister's monstrous behavior. I am supposed to accept and tolerate my mother's dysfunctional need for reassurance and validation. I am supposed to accept that my mother can't drive 50 minutes to my house. I must accept that she *has* to spend thousands on us for Christmas. And also that I must accept that every holiday be celebrated at her house simply because that's "the way that it is".
I have to accept walking on eggshells for every interaction we have or have had for the past 30 years. Her emotional state is the most important out of anyone's, which is an idea my father also championed when he was alive. It is also the thing my sister-in-law revolted against those many years ago.
It's a waste of time going on about my sister right now, whose mental deficiencies and horrible behaviors have already been written about in length. I feel nothing about the woman but a deep-seeded resentment. I care nothing about a relationship with her. Previously, my only concern was making sure that justice was served with my parents estate once my mom is gone. Making sure my sister didn't walk away with a single cent she legally wasn't entitled to. But, I've reached the point now where I am not sure I care. Pain avoidance and freedom from this dysfunction feel more important to me than inheritance or taking ownership of cherished family heirlooms.
At the antique store yesterday I found these three ceramic Christmas mice identical to three we've had in our family since I was a little kid. A symbol of the kind of items I would want to take ownership of when my mom passes. Though my mom puts no value on most any of the things, I do. One of the mice she has has been broken from years due to her manic method of putting Christmas stuff away. She rushes, she breaks things, all in a mad panic to prevent me in the past from helping them put stuff away.
I understand too that *I* am the one giving this value to the items that are otherwise just useless, material objects. To my sister, they are just things she wants to possess, at times simply if she knows *I* would like to have them. She has less of a concern for the history and sentimentality for any of these things. Shown by the fact that she lets her out of control mongrels often destroy everything in her house.
So I saw these three ceramic Christmas mice and I bought them. I told the Sparrow, what difference does it make if these aren't the exact ones we had when I was a kid? The items still invoke the same sense of memory and nostalgia. These three were intact, and not mishandled and abused by my mother who doesn't care. And having these separates ones now removes the conflict later of having to potentially go through every item in my mom's house one by one because of my sister.
Could I simply walk away from all of it if need be? That's where I am right now. I've ended friendships and relationships where I had deeper connections with people than my own family. My family's roles often compare though to friendships like I had with Rockwell, which was torturous and pointless for years until I finally was aware and confident enough in myself and my position in life to simply walk away from it. Whereas that moment was easy for me concerning with him, it seems far more complicated when it involves my family.
I had a video playing in the background about comparisons between functional and dysfunctional families. Of course, most of the items for the latter category line up with how my family has been for my entire life. It is quite depressing to have spent so much time in the past month and a half thinking on the shortcomings of my family. It is why I feel so lackadaisical about just cutting ties with them. The thought is less upsetting to me and more of a comfort as it would mean the end to the constant anxiety and pain I have dealing with them (or even just thinking about them).
It's not as if I haven't known my family was screwed up for most of my adult life. I'd often make excuses for this, or say that we at least weren't as bad as someone else's family. However, these days it feels like less of a comfort in making comparisons and measuring our dysfunction next to other people's. I would always say my parents did the best they could, and I do mostly believe that. Though I know they could have done better. Perhaps if they both had dealt with their own life traumas and such their kids wouldn't have all been so screwed up.
My focus this morning, having been listening to this video, is back to the fact that I was never listened to or taken seriously my entire life. Opinions I had within my family were openly mocked and dismissed. I feel the anxiety of that even just typing about it. That rage that I want to just scream my head off for them to listen to me. But, it's too late. I'm a grown man now. All of this should be irrelevant, right?
I know better than that though. I know these traumas stick with people for their entire lives, unless they find a way to process them and deal with them. It's why my mother who is almost 80 is still crippled by her past, and still often acts like a little child because of it. Though her behavior makes it possible for me to be aware of mine and reflect on all these things. Which in the end is helpful in a way.
I am aware I am not a doctor, so I have no authority to diagnose anyone with anything (not that I have much respect for doctors and their opinions anyway), but I cannot say for sure if my father suffered from narcissistic personality disorder. I think it's highly likely, based on random memories that emerge when I think of him. I do think, without a doubt, my sister suffers from it severely. I have all the evidence I need to make that judgement.
My mother suffers from some, or many, ailments. I do not think NPD applies with her, but I am not sure. I have become hyperaware of her manipulation tactics as of late. I always knew she used emotional manipulation to get attention or a reaction in the past. This is nothing new as far as my perception of things goes. I often excuse this by saying that she is a naive woman and that she is just reacting as a child would, in order to try acquiring love and attention from her target. The question really is if this behavior has been ramped up as of late, or if it was always this bad and I simply was less aware because my father was the go-between, or perhaps I was not developed enough cognitively myself to really see it.
I believe a lot of what is happening is due to my age and the fact that I am adult enough now to see this stuff and be more aware of it. Especially now being married and having someone else that is experiencing a lot of these things with me. It allows me to see a different perspective, hear different opinions and frankly have someone (or multiple people) who can point out to me that *I* am not obviously the issue in many of these situations.
For example, I've had blow-ups and issues with my sister in the past, but I think back then I always ended up feeling guilty for not stepping back or just letting things be. I felt like it was my duty "for the family" to keep my opinions to myself, in order to keep the family structure in tact. I see now how wrong that thinking was, because it simply allowed my sister's behavior to become even more destructive. Maybe years and years ago, if I would have had the courage to say something, her narcissism might have been abated. I can't sit here and theorize about the past or assume any blame for how things are now, I am just contemplating.
I know how my mother and sister think, and I feel as if the two of them are looking at my relationship to the Sparrow and potentially his family as a reason why *I* am now acting "this way". This goes back to how my opinions have never been taken seriously and how I am looked at as a child. Because of this, they likely think it is some kind of "influence" the Sparrow has over me that may be causing me to revolt. My sister may be wiser than this, but in her need to manipulate my mother she most definitely would allude to the fact that my brother was manipulated by his wife... so to "win" my mother to her side, my sister would make that correlation.
This is more than just theory really, because my sister evoked my sister-in-law's name at Thanksgiving during her blow-up. And TWICE now my mother has commented on the Bro-in-Law, making illogical comparisons between how I treat/interact with him and my relationship with my sister. The comedy of that being the fact that my mother really knows nothing about me, my life, my interactions with people etc etc. She has seemed almost disinterested in retaining any information about me throughout my life. Often coupled with that dismissiveness by which she perceives me and/or treats me like a child.
The Sparrow's family is in no way perfect. They have all their own issues. From a cheating father who at the very least verbally abused his children, and physically abused their older brother. Their mother having to deal with the fallout of their divorce. His sister tends to be overly-emotional and has social anxieties when dealing with people. And that older brother of there's is somewhat of a complete loser, and even their mother is able to admit to that.
I think I have actively attempted NOT to speak too much of his family before around my mother, walking on eggshells because I know how she is. When the Sparrow's mom visited here last May I did not even tell my mother she was coming because I knew it would stir up anxieties and jealousies. One of the motivations my mother spoke of for her having come to see the house by herself the first time was simply due to the fact that the Sparrow's sister had already come or was about to because of the medical issues with their father. My mother couldn't just come to see the house, it had to be because some of the Sparrow's family was going to be here. And that is the child mentality of my mother.
She would never choose to do something because she wanted to do it, or because it would be nice and normal for a parent to want to see their child's new house. No, she came because of some mentally fucked up competition in her head that someone from the Sparrow's family was coming/came, so she *had* to come. This was probably the main motivation behind me NOT telling her about the Sparrow's mom coming. Because I did not want it to be the new excuse as to why my mother decided to come here again. If she was going to come, I wanted it to be because she CHOSE to out of her own desire. Not out of guilt or obligation.
Though, every time she does come... or should I say, the three times she has, it has always been miserable. There's no fun to be had. No joy in showing the house or the garden. No pleasure in having lunch somewhere. From the second she gets to the house, she very obviously wants to leave. When my sister is in tow, as I've written before, this desire to go home is also often openly stated, repeatedly, the *entire* time (by my sister). There's not even an attempt to pretend otherwise. They both want me to know how inconvenient it is for them to have to come here.
Why the hell would I ever want either of them in our house after having endured this multiple times?
It is absolutely exhausting dealing with all this mental, anxiety-inducing, narcissistic dysfunction. I think it is perfectly logical that I feel like I do not want these relationships. I can't use my brother as an excuse as to why I *must* endure the torture of it. He made his choices. I cannot allow guilt or this perceived obligation to keep me from making whatever choices I want to. I am not even saying I am thinking of cutting my mother off. But, I don't feel right now that it'd be a huge loss if that did occur.
What relationship do I even have with this woman? She doesn't really know who I am as a person. If I ever attempt to tell her, she'll either retort that she knows better than me about my own personality, or she'll comment that some trait or interest of mine MUST have been acquired by me copying someone else or from something I saw on TV. In her mind, I have no independent thought or personal development. Since Christmas always seems to be an event at the heart of all this, it is another perfect example of how she knows nothing about me. Because she cannot just go out and find a gift for me. She HAS to have some kind of list in order to think of anything. Even though we often talk about interests I have... very basic interests like gardening or birdwatching. She seemingly can't even remember these things.
This makes it very comedic when her (and my sister) invoke this idea that we are "family" and therefore the members within have to come first. Mind you, *I* would never come first to them. Being "family" really means that I am supposed to accept and tolerate my sister's monstrous behavior. I am supposed to accept and tolerate my mother's dysfunctional need for reassurance and validation. I am supposed to accept that my mother can't drive 50 minutes to my house. I must accept that she *has* to spend thousands on us for Christmas. And also that I must accept that every holiday be celebrated at her house simply because that's "the way that it is".
I have to accept walking on eggshells for every interaction we have or have had for the past 30 years. Her emotional state is the most important out of anyone's, which is an idea my father also championed when he was alive. It is also the thing my sister-in-law revolted against those many years ago.
It's a waste of time going on about my sister right now, whose mental deficiencies and horrible behaviors have already been written about in length. I feel nothing about the woman but a deep-seeded resentment. I care nothing about a relationship with her. Previously, my only concern was making sure that justice was served with my parents estate once my mom is gone. Making sure my sister didn't walk away with a single cent she legally wasn't entitled to. But, I've reached the point now where I am not sure I care. Pain avoidance and freedom from this dysfunction feel more important to me than inheritance or taking ownership of cherished family heirlooms.
At the antique store yesterday I found these three ceramic Christmas mice identical to three we've had in our family since I was a little kid. A symbol of the kind of items I would want to take ownership of when my mom passes. Though my mom puts no value on most any of the things, I do. One of the mice she has has been broken from years due to her manic method of putting Christmas stuff away. She rushes, she breaks things, all in a mad panic to prevent me in the past from helping them put stuff away.
I understand too that *I* am the one giving this value to the items that are otherwise just useless, material objects. To my sister, they are just things she wants to possess, at times simply if she knows *I* would like to have them. She has less of a concern for the history and sentimentality for any of these things. Shown by the fact that she lets her out of control mongrels often destroy everything in her house.
So I saw these three ceramic Christmas mice and I bought them. I told the Sparrow, what difference does it make if these aren't the exact ones we had when I was a kid? The items still invoke the same sense of memory and nostalgia. These three were intact, and not mishandled and abused by my mother who doesn't care. And having these separates ones now removes the conflict later of having to potentially go through every item in my mom's house one by one because of my sister.
Could I simply walk away from all of it if need be? That's where I am right now. I've ended friendships and relationships where I had deeper connections with people than my own family. My family's roles often compare though to friendships like I had with Rockwell, which was torturous and pointless for years until I finally was aware and confident enough in myself and my position in life to simply walk away from it. Whereas that moment was easy for me concerning with him, it seems far more complicated when it involves my family.