Stuff In The Basement
We watched 'Rocky Balboa' last night. I'd seen the movie years ago. It was long after it had been released. I honestly didn't think I'd have any interest in such a movie, but even back then I was completely moved. I think at the time with the themes of father and son. It was during that period in which I was on a quest to understand my own masculinity. It really spoke to me during that time.
Now, all these years later we sat down to watch it and the film was still as compelling and affecting as the first time, but I think now for different reasons. I really identified with the themes of age and purpose presented this time around. I understood more the feelings of aging and sometimes feeling like there are things left in life undone. As with the first time, I was in tears during some of the excellent speeches.
I am not unhappy with my life, as I've written before. It's actually quite the opposite. I don't think I have been as comfortable and content with the state of my existence as I am now. Yes, work is stressful. I am often tired because of responsibilities and obligations. I wish I was healthier, in better shape. I wish I read more books. Had more time for leisure. Maybe that I would have gotten wise to my finances a decade earlier. That we had the time and money to travel.
None of those things though feel apocalyptic. None of them feel desperate. They are all things I can change and improve upon. They are not things holding me back necessarily. I accept reality.
I do think though that some men always have thoughts within themselves, especially as they age, about the dreams and accomplishments that have been in the backs of their minds their whole lives. In my opinion, it is perfectly natural.
Unlike most people, I have this record here where I can go back and see my progress. See my experiences. Relive them again in a way others cannot. One does not want to live in the past, but I think reviewing it, seeing one's progress, remembering goals and aspirations... I think it can all be a very good thing. A good thing if one acts on the information and motivation.
There is a lot I do not care about anymore. People's opinions. Presenting myself a certain way for attention or some kind of esteem boost. I am not saying I don't have moments of weakness, but I am older now and motivations change. I see more completely how the things I do in life need to be for myself, or for "us" (as in my partner and I). I think being married has reinvigorated many goals and aspirations I previously had. Especially in the financial realm, which I failed and floundered in for years.
I feel great strength in having a partner, a teammate... someone who shares my ideas and goals and plans for the future. In a way, he gave me a reason to change that I might not have had otherwise.
I've always hated feeling old, and I suppose more and more I feel like it is no longer a "feeling", but a reality. No one wants to get older. Or at least, ancient. I've had gray hair since I was 25, but the gray in the eyebrows is something that really annoys me these days. I wonder sometimes if I get worn out because I am out of shape, or because I just don't have the energy I "used to".
I discovered the other day that, though I'd thought I'd gotten through my entire journal, I'd missed a period between mid-2006 through the end of that year and into 2007. I was going back through it when I found some old phone posts I'd made from New Orleans that Mardi Gras. I am drunk in all of them I think, and they were quite amusing to hear. I have no memory of even making them, though I do recall the trip as being one of the more fun times I've had in that city.
In one post I am talking about this one kid we met who was also from Chicago. And I guess he was kind of arrogant and it annoyed me, and he was out dancing and acting like the shit so I did what I always did and got up on the box and was dancing for hours having the time of my life. It sounds like a dumb story, but the nugget within involved me having a realization that I wasn't going to allow myself to "feel old" because this 22-year-old kid made me feel inferior. I loved to dance, I did it well and I got up there and had a blast.
There's always a comic irony when I read/hear myself talking about being "so old" when I was in my twenties or early thirties. I had no idea what I was talking about, yet it is somehow endearing all the same. But, I think the attitude is the critical part of the story. I don't find my displeasure with getting older to be debilitating. I am not sitting at home depressed about it, like I used to do with so many things a decade ago. It's just always something on my mind. No doubt exacerbated by the fact that my partner is younger than I am.
The whole scenario feels like the new thing that my mind is intent on exploring. Just like masculinity, self-esteem and confidence and all those other aspects of life I'd previously set out to analyze and dissect as I was growing up and evolving.
I think the bottomline is that I know I shouldn't be feeling old just yet. And I'd like to remember a little of the levity, humor, energy and fun of my old personality. It's not that I don't have fun now, but I am definitely more subdued than I used to be. And I am not sure if I am that way out of a natural course of my growth, or if at some point I decided to repress that part of my personality out of some shame or embarrassment about what I consider to be my "previous life".
I know for a fact, having reread it all again, that there was a time when I was not the nicest, best version of myself. A time also it seems when I was not surrounded by the nicest people either, and we all fed into that awfulness within each other.
I remember my dad was always the life of whatever gathering or family party we went to. I was like him in that way. Now I feel I've at least partially become more subdued like my mother. I feel there is a balance in there for me to find.
People get old, but they never stop growing, changing and developing. My desire is for those things to continue. And yes, perhaps to achieve some forgotten goals and dreams. However small or large they happen to be.
Somewhere in all my paperwork I have a notepad from almost 30 years ago. I had written down a list of dreams and goals. Years later, perhaps seven years ago now, I rediscovered this list. I feel like I may have written about it. But, I went down it and discovered I had actually achieved a fair amount of the items on it. This both amused and shocked me. It also gave me perspective to see that not everything we desire in life happens immediately. That life itself, though brief as it is, still goes on a long time. In youth we want that instant gratification, but sometimes in patience we see that somehow or another we reach goals. We don't even realize we do sometimes.
I know that I have always had the ability to achieve most of the things I've wanted in life. Half the time life was just waiting for me to realize it. Pretty much the only person who has ever held me back has been myself.
Now, all these years later we sat down to watch it and the film was still as compelling and affecting as the first time, but I think now for different reasons. I really identified with the themes of age and purpose presented this time around. I understood more the feelings of aging and sometimes feeling like there are things left in life undone. As with the first time, I was in tears during some of the excellent speeches.
I am not unhappy with my life, as I've written before. It's actually quite the opposite. I don't think I have been as comfortable and content with the state of my existence as I am now. Yes, work is stressful. I am often tired because of responsibilities and obligations. I wish I was healthier, in better shape. I wish I read more books. Had more time for leisure. Maybe that I would have gotten wise to my finances a decade earlier. That we had the time and money to travel.
None of those things though feel apocalyptic. None of them feel desperate. They are all things I can change and improve upon. They are not things holding me back necessarily. I accept reality.
I do think though that some men always have thoughts within themselves, especially as they age, about the dreams and accomplishments that have been in the backs of their minds their whole lives. In my opinion, it is perfectly natural.
Unlike most people, I have this record here where I can go back and see my progress. See my experiences. Relive them again in a way others cannot. One does not want to live in the past, but I think reviewing it, seeing one's progress, remembering goals and aspirations... I think it can all be a very good thing. A good thing if one acts on the information and motivation.
There is a lot I do not care about anymore. People's opinions. Presenting myself a certain way for attention or some kind of esteem boost. I am not saying I don't have moments of weakness, but I am older now and motivations change. I see more completely how the things I do in life need to be for myself, or for "us" (as in my partner and I). I think being married has reinvigorated many goals and aspirations I previously had. Especially in the financial realm, which I failed and floundered in for years.
I feel great strength in having a partner, a teammate... someone who shares my ideas and goals and plans for the future. In a way, he gave me a reason to change that I might not have had otherwise.
I've always hated feeling old, and I suppose more and more I feel like it is no longer a "feeling", but a reality. No one wants to get older. Or at least, ancient. I've had gray hair since I was 25, but the gray in the eyebrows is something that really annoys me these days. I wonder sometimes if I get worn out because I am out of shape, or because I just don't have the energy I "used to".
I discovered the other day that, though I'd thought I'd gotten through my entire journal, I'd missed a period between mid-2006 through the end of that year and into 2007. I was going back through it when I found some old phone posts I'd made from New Orleans that Mardi Gras. I am drunk in all of them I think, and they were quite amusing to hear. I have no memory of even making them, though I do recall the trip as being one of the more fun times I've had in that city.
In one post I am talking about this one kid we met who was also from Chicago. And I guess he was kind of arrogant and it annoyed me, and he was out dancing and acting like the shit so I did what I always did and got up on the box and was dancing for hours having the time of my life. It sounds like a dumb story, but the nugget within involved me having a realization that I wasn't going to allow myself to "feel old" because this 22-year-old kid made me feel inferior. I loved to dance, I did it well and I got up there and had a blast.
There's always a comic irony when I read/hear myself talking about being "so old" when I was in my twenties or early thirties. I had no idea what I was talking about, yet it is somehow endearing all the same. But, I think the attitude is the critical part of the story. I don't find my displeasure with getting older to be debilitating. I am not sitting at home depressed about it, like I used to do with so many things a decade ago. It's just always something on my mind. No doubt exacerbated by the fact that my partner is younger than I am.
The whole scenario feels like the new thing that my mind is intent on exploring. Just like masculinity, self-esteem and confidence and all those other aspects of life I'd previously set out to analyze and dissect as I was growing up and evolving.
I think the bottomline is that I know I shouldn't be feeling old just yet. And I'd like to remember a little of the levity, humor, energy and fun of my old personality. It's not that I don't have fun now, but I am definitely more subdued than I used to be. And I am not sure if I am that way out of a natural course of my growth, or if at some point I decided to repress that part of my personality out of some shame or embarrassment about what I consider to be my "previous life".
I know for a fact, having reread it all again, that there was a time when I was not the nicest, best version of myself. A time also it seems when I was not surrounded by the nicest people either, and we all fed into that awfulness within each other.
I remember my dad was always the life of whatever gathering or family party we went to. I was like him in that way. Now I feel I've at least partially become more subdued like my mother. I feel there is a balance in there for me to find.
People get old, but they never stop growing, changing and developing. My desire is for those things to continue. And yes, perhaps to achieve some forgotten goals and dreams. However small or large they happen to be.
Somewhere in all my paperwork I have a notepad from almost 30 years ago. I had written down a list of dreams and goals. Years later, perhaps seven years ago now, I rediscovered this list. I feel like I may have written about it. But, I went down it and discovered I had actually achieved a fair amount of the items on it. This both amused and shocked me. It also gave me perspective to see that not everything we desire in life happens immediately. That life itself, though brief as it is, still goes on a long time. In youth we want that instant gratification, but sometimes in patience we see that somehow or another we reach goals. We don't even realize we do sometimes.
I know that I have always had the ability to achieve most of the things I've wanted in life. Half the time life was just waiting for me to realize it. Pretty much the only person who has ever held me back has been myself.