Two Truths

May 11, 2005 09:49

One thing I truly dislike is censoring myself. I think it’s apparent that I will say most anything regardless of how embarrassing or detrimental to my character it might be. If it comes down to a question of not doing something because someone else might think me a psychotic or an asshole and avoiding what I think is the truth or the facts of an event, I will always side with the truth/facts. I am well aware I am passionate, overly-emotional and sometimes yes, psychotic. But, I know everything I say is the honest truth as far as I’ve conceived and written it at that particular time, and that is where the power resides for me.

I say what I say when I want to say it, and if other people get offended by it, it’s not my problem. It’s their own issue with how they feel and deal with what I say. I am not talking about high school dramatics here and using a written forum to intentionally hurt people and pine for attention. But, in some ways that is what’s happening now because of the precarious situation I am in.

I can’t write completely about the events at work with the same emotional vigor I used to because the main villain in my stories is none other than the mother of a (former?) close friend. After the first blow out where she was upset I referred to her mother as a "cunt" everything has been awkward and strained and we have barely spoken. In fact, since she cancelled on her trip to Boystown two weeks ago, I am not sure I have spoken to Lynn at all.

And, I said before, I would accept that our friendship had run it’s course if my working with her mother created an impasse for the two of us. I am not going to sugarcoat my feelings because she can’t handle what I say (even as I somewhat do that now by hiding what I say behind privacy protocols. But, I know of a thing called tact that I guess should be used sometimes). As I’ve said a billion and one times... anyone can say anything they want about me, or my mother if need be, and I generally could care less.

But, I am selfish in many respects, and this is all about me, and I hate that I can’t write my contiguous thoughts because I have to take in account someone else’s feelings.

Lynn, your mom is a horse-humping bitch. I have never met such a vile, offensive cunt in my life. Even Dearest had more respectable qualities. Your mother is a nasty, bitter old hag whose bigotry is that of the worst kind of ignorant.

When she came in here yesterday and confronted Lonnie about leaving the office door open when he wasn’t in there, and then referred to the Mexican guys that were in the lobby as ”dogs” (more than once) I was completely revolted. I am racist when I drive. I crack racist jokes based on stereotypes, but I don’t feel I have any true, inbred hatred for any one race. I make jokes about gays all the time too, and when gay society pisses me off, I refer to them all as "faggots" because I need a harsh word that expresses my feelings. But, I obviously don’t hate the same way this woman does. It’s unbelievable.

And when she walked out, Lonnie was in complete shock. He sat there dazed for a minute before turning to me and saying he couldn’t believe he had not even met that woman and she would refer to people in such a derogatory manner. Lonnie might not be as bitter as I, but he always seemed to have something to say about everything, and Happily left him speechless in disgust.

And, I was happy for this. Happy that I am not the only one that thinks it. That I am not singling her out for some other agenda.

She is such a foul, horrible woman.

And, I’d love to relate to the world how Happily got pissed because 500PPG doesn’t always work a regular schedule because she has offsite meetings and is part of an entirely different branch of the company Happily has no control over. So, because 500PPG was not in by 10:00 on Monday, she went storming into the HR area and called an emergency meeting to discuss this atrocity. Causing a huge dramatic uproar and the HR woman and 500PPG talked and everything was cool there, but the HR woman said that it seemed funny how she was on Happily’s good side until she started going to lunch with Lesbalia all the time.

The woman is offensive on every human level. If I was Lynn, I would disown her before ever admitting that I shared blood with her.

And, more honesty... I want Lynn to know I am saying these things. I want to hurt Lynn. I want to destroy the last thread our friendship is hanging on by. Why would I want to be so heartless and evil?

I think I’ve already talked about it before. Because I blame her for being in this situation. I know it’s wrong. I know I have my own choices. But, one thing my family does and I was taught at an early age; holding a grudge. And, I can hold grudges for decades if need be. Once someone crosses me or hurts me, it takes years upon years for me to be able to fully trust them again.. if ever.

And she filled my head with all kinds of ideas about this job. About how wonderful it was going to be. About all the perks and the money and the opportunities. And, as I have whined endlessly since late February, it was all bogus. Everything was a misguided exaggeration. This place is worse than the Circus ever was. I cannot deny how much better I feel getting more than four hours sleep a night and not having to commute for two hours one way each day. And the flexible hours without the guilt trips is fantastic. But even as I left at 3:15 Friday, Happily saw me departing and gave me this look like ”Where the hell do you think you’re going?”

I had met her mother once or twice, but I never knew just how fucked in the head this woman was. I have met a lot of people and I dare say I have never, ever met someone as horrible as she is. And, I think that’s saying a lot for me to say it that way. Because I usually have something bad to say about everyone.

So what is left to say between Lynn and I then? We can’t talk about work, because I have nothing nice to say about it. She is still hurt that I called her mother a cunt and I am angry that she called me, fishing for an apology. I am sorry she got upset with what I said, but I don’t apologize for saying it. Even when Rockwell tries giving me the guilt trip about it, "Mr. Common Courtesy"' all it leaves me feeling is that he can’t even begin to comprehend how offensive this woman is. I have no sorries to offer. That’s me. If that is intolerable then I guess knowing me is equally as intolerable and that’s that.

I don’t want to talk to her on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with her in Boystown. I don’t want to send her the random link in an email every week as if we are still close buddies. Everything is different now, and the trust we had is broken. When Dearest was the subject, it was all great, daily comedy. Now it’s her mom, and she can’t accept that her own mother could be as horrible, if not worse.

I could just go on and on about how offensive she is. She cannot ever make a statement about anything without beginning or following it with some horribly bigoted, ignorant opinion about something. Just answer my fucking question... Don’t talk about ”the Mexicans”, don’t tell me you think ”some people” should be fired and are lazy. Don’t say anything to me you ravenous, foul skank, unless it has something to do directly with what I’ve inquired about.

And, don’t even mention the CG’s name because she will go off on a tangent of vile misconceptions about his entire role here. I am angry she tainted my first impressions of the guy because he has turned out to be very cool and I hated him at first because of her poisons. What kind of dumb cunt would say that, if we had the CG order new PC hardware for us, that he’d jack up the cost so he could skim some money for himself. He’s not working for the city of Chicago you fucking bitch. Not like the mobster owner here whose dick you no doubt suck behind closed doors getting kick backs for every little shit he takes.

Just take your opinions, keep them behind your nasty, wrinkled old lips, and fuck off. And in a final, overly childish statement, she fucking smells like an old lady too.

dearest, happily/rozz, playpen, relationships

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