2003: The Resolutions
What I did. What I didn’t do. Why and why not?
1. See John Mayer Live
- The second week of January, I was afforded the opportunity to see John at a special morning broadcast of Eric and Kathy at the Mix that took place at the House of Blues. A chance I have since talked about in abundance that I could not have accomplished without the grace of Rockwell’s friend who DJ’s at the station. It was this one seemingly impossible event that provided me the idea that nothing on my list was improbable.
There is always this reality check for me when seeing someone famous or otherwise that has been an inspiration to me. To have him right there in front of me was like being a kid again. It would leave me quite unimpressed in general with the three other times I saw him in concert in 2003. But, his music has well been established as an enduring factor in some of the changes I have gone through in my recent life and an inspiration (maybe even the first to prompt me to discover my artistic side again).
2. Read the complete poems of Walt Whitman
- Starting out 2003 without having read much after high school, this did seem like a difficult feat. I had bought several books in the past year before, but read none of them. For whatever reason, I chose Whitman and the size of his book seemed so intimidating I needed to theoretically give myself a year to read it.
It was very difficult at first to even find the focus and so many times in the first twenty pages or so, I let my mind wander off and the words were blown apart by my day dreams like the noodles poured out of a can of alphabet soup. But, one poem grabbed me, ’Who Is This New Person Drawn To Me” and I began to feel that, while he was a great writer of American history, he was not far off from being a person just as I was. The more I read, the more I said I could do this too and each page empowered me more with this idea that the only thing that separated great writers from myself was the action of actually writing.
After Whitman, I suffered through Great Expectations by Dickens, sampled some Poe but grew weary and found a new voice and inspiration in Henry David Thoreau. ’Walden’ became the words on paper of all the thoughts I felt in my heart but could not define by any means of my own language. I could not even begin to express how deeply the book affected my way of thinking or the confidence it provided to me.
This resolution was particularly successful because it has spawned a new era of self-education for me and eradicated the useless fear I once harbored that I could not read other people’s writings because it would taint my own ability and original thoughts.
3. Twenty-five pushups and sit ups five days a week to start
- The obligatory exercise entry. I have wanted to be physically fit since I was 14 years old, and I have had many excuses in the interim. The one I have stuck with now for several years is that I don’t want to because it’s what every other homo does. Body-worship and retarded aspirations of acceptance through admiration of ones physical state.
I know I need to ’do it for myself’ and I figured a simple start might build to something more. But, my mind is erratic and easily bored or affected. Even 25 pushups seem like an eternity of suffering when I cannot even speak for the first hour of each waking day from exhaustion and misery. It’s all laziness, I know.
4. Walk/Run five miles starting twice a week
- At the beginning of summer my endurance had built up quite substantially. I was actually able to run almost a full mile without feeling I’d collapse in exhaustion. After several weeks of really sticking with it I was honestly shocked to feel my calf muscle one night and see it was cut unlike anything I’d ever seen on my body. Just a little effort and visible proof of it.
But, as summer slammed down on the city, I was seriously ashamed to go out running in shorts because of how white I am, so it fell by the wayside. I did make feeble attempts to restart it as summer was closing down, but my work schedule and commute began weighing down on me physically and I find myself to be in a constant state of fatigue. I have better hopes for next year though.
5. Recite a piece of my work at an open-mic poetry forum
- I actually never even made it back to the Green Mill since I was there over a year ago. I didn’t have high aspirations for this one as I am horribly terrified of getting in front of crowds. But, I sprinkled it on for good seasoning incase I was some day feeling saucy.
6. Visit a new city
- This one began the same as number five; a sprinkling of a thought with no real basis but a list filler. Yet, as quickly as the John Mayer possibility fell in my lap, I suddenly found myself on a landslide toward one of the greatest opportunities of my life. One might think it silly I’d view it as such, but my chance to help San Diego Rob move from the west coast to Atlanta was like a life long dream manifesting.
I landed in Los Angeles, drove down to San Diego. Went to Tempe, AZ then to El Paso, followed by Austin, TX. Then down to New Orleans (which was amazing) and up to Atlanta. It was like a sampling of the country I would have kicked myself for missing. It took months for the experience to settle in my brain before I realized how truly sad I was it went by so quickly.
7. Study photography
- I got a new digital camera for X-mas last year so I assumed it meant I’d suddenly be on the heals of Ansel Adams. I had picked up a book on Chicago with so many fascinating pictures I thought I too should be out there finding my ’eye’. I did take some great photos on my trip across country. Two of my favorite were actually decently artistic: both were shots looking into the rear view mirror. One was of a New Mexico sunset and the other of Rob pumping gas. Hardly a ’study’ in photography, but we learn by doing (and not always by reading ’Dummy Guides to’ something).
8. Paint A Picture
- as a child, I would draw for hours and hours. Before I used words, I spoke artistically through pencils and crayons and incessant doodling. Though, outside of art class, I had never painted a picture. As I learned with writing, I already thought with painting, that there was no reason I couldn’t just do it. I admit though I made zero effort to try and accomplish this.
9. Drink three liters of water a day
- One of the most difficult things I have discovered to do is drinking water when I have a pocket full of singles and a pop machine down the hall. For a while, about the time I was running, I’d down three to four 32 oz bottles of water a day. On the weekends I’d always slack off, but then start up again on Monday.
But, as I seem to be using for my all-purpose excuse, my work schedule began eating away at my life, and I became addicted to the sugar and caffeine kick provided by the eight cans of Pepsi I’d drink a day. Again, another half-assed attempt lost to weakness.
10. Go back to Toronto
- As much as I ached to return in 2003, it just wasn’t financially possible to accomplish this. Which in the end, could be a good thing because it shows a new level of responsibility for me.
11. Pay off three credit cards by my 28th birthday.
- This one truly amazed me. As the new year started I had just paid off two of my department store credit cards with three left to deal with. I think there was a tie for the ’what the hell did I buy there’ award between Express which was close to a thousand and Sears which was pushing $1500. Kohls coming in third with about $800 or so. In five months, I managed to accomplish something I’d agonized about for literally years.
A year before I attempted to contact a credit consolidation place that, though well renowned had blatantly attempted to scam me. At that point I had lost faith in any means by which to conquer my huge debt. Two years after deciding I needed to change my life, I discovered simply by my own fortitude could I deal with issues that seemed so impossibly huge before.
12. Go hiking
- We always wanted to make a tradition of going to Starved Rock each year. Though, I have since lost the friend whom I’d wanted to make the tradition with. I’d also gone to Devil’s Head in Wisconsin and hiked there for part of a day. Needless to say, I do not have enough nature in my life and need to reestablish my connection to it some how. Of course, I made little effort to make it happen this year.
13. Find a new job
- Like a fissure on my ass, my job has plagued me for five years and I do little more than complain. I almost did make an effort at one point when this place so enraged me that I nearly walked out. I did find it humorous that whenever my resume landed in someone’s hands, they became affected by what seemed the same listlessness as myself. I am sure it’s all the workings of the universe to force me to fix my own problems and not expect anyone else to.
14. Write one new piece of work every week.
- I am sure I meant for this to be something more of the artistic side, but I grouped it in with my journal, which has been very successful and occasionally laced with poetry.
15. Get a new computer
- I didn’t get a ’new’ new computer but I did rebuild a machine from work with a faster processor that has given me few problems so far. An actual new computer would fall into the realm of "financial impossibility" for 2003.
16. Spend a day in a secluded place
- Before I had even thought of Thoreau or ’Walden’ I knew that in order for me to tap into the greater part of myself I’d need to be removed from the distractions of the everyday world. Work is a constant irritation and my apartment has too many temptations for me to truly sit and think. I spend scores of time alone but never to the degree that I am connected with a deeper part of myself. This resolution was meant to correct that though it was ultimately never attempted.
17. Take a road trip
- Another thought that manifested itself quite easily in 2003 with Rob moving in February.
18. Fix my roller blades
- The wheels on my blades have been worn down for years and it’s always something I "think" of doing. I did buy wheels, but they were the wrong size. Then I found myself at Sport’s Authority another time trying on several pairs, but I opted not to purchase them; again because of money. So, in a way, it’s ok this one didn’t get done because it saved me money.
19. Pay off at least one of my three major credit cards by year end
- I didn’t think this one would get done, and I was amazed once again that I did it. I had focused on paying my car off early and put this to the side briefly, yet managed to budget the money just right the last few months of the year and got rid of the smallest of the three major pains in my financial ass. Another huge monster of an impossibility easily tamed on my own with a little real effort.
20. Do something cultural every month
- This one seemed to be open to massive interpretation but was none-the-less accomplished in some form or another for most of the year. I started out seeing a play. Followed by many concerts from John Mayer to Handel’s Messiah. I didn’t keep very good track of all that I did but I am confident I did a decent job on this one.
21. Keep a journal
- Another thing, like exercise, I had wanted to do for years and only haphazardly attempted. I have stacks of notebooks with only the first few pages filled spanning the past decade. On June 21st, I wrote my first entry and in less than six months I have written over 500 entries which I feel is a superb accomplishment. The forum of an online journal does seem a bit impersonal and attention-grabbing but I honestly set out to do this first for myself and feel that other people reading it is of little violation to me in any form. In fact, I see it more as a motivator that there may be at least one person out there expecting to hear something, so that on the days when I am feeling distracted I have that thought to keep me on track of my goal.
As a whole, 2003 was a great year of growth and change for me. I took my list of resolutions very seriously from the onset. It was honesty the first year I had real goals. I do feel I spent the ten years before (if not longer) floundering around in life with little confidence in anything. I feel I have reawakened to so many things, and learned so much more for the first time. If I had to choose one word to describe the whole of the year, I would say Enlightenment.
I tapped into my inner artist once again and realized small personal goals are no less important than any major success a person could want. That a lack of an educational degree does not define intelligence. Some people are gifted their whole lives with abilities they need only to realize and utilize.
I realized that not having a car does not hinder a person’s mobility.
I realized that I do have my own opinion that I should not be hesitant to voice if necessary and that other people are equally entitled to theirs.
I learned that the "impossibility" I apply to future desires, like paying off debt, are just irrational fears. The time passes so quickly it seems like only yesterday a thought was formed and it is each person’s opportunity to seize or ignore the chance to turn it to action.
I gained a sense of accountability through my sometimes passionate disdain for my generalized view of society. Within this sense of each person’s responsibility to themselves I came to understand the same as my above thoughts, that there is nothing truly impossible to a person that chooses not to fear and to act.
Morbidly so, I have come to harbor a somewhat distasteful realization that my parents are getting on in their years. As I have gotten older I do not feel such a great distance from them as people but at the same time have kept a silent vigil in my mind that there are fewer years ahead than behind for them. Maybe because they spend so much time joking about their mortality now.
I’ve learned again this year that friendship is an often temporal thing. People change, sometimes for the negative, and you can either allow yourself to be pulled into that world or to walk away from it. Each person has the ability to help themselves and they make the choice whether or not to do so. It goes back to accountability.
We have to grow up sometimes. If that means that a person gets left behind because they choose not to grow the real sadness is that person’s lack of love for themselves. Something even the best of friends cannot provide to a person.
We have but one life and in 2003 I think I finally started to live mine.
1. See John Mayer Live
- The second week of January, I was afforded the opportunity to see John at a special morning broadcast of Eric and Kathy at the Mix that took place at the House of Blues. A chance I have since talked about in abundance that I could not have accomplished without the grace of Rockwell’s friend who DJ’s at the station. It was this one seemingly impossible event that provided me the idea that nothing on my list was improbable.
There is always this reality check for me when seeing someone famous or otherwise that has been an inspiration to me. To have him right there in front of me was like being a kid again. It would leave me quite unimpressed in general with the three other times I saw him in concert in 2003. But, his music has well been established as an enduring factor in some of the changes I have gone through in my recent life and an inspiration (maybe even the first to prompt me to discover my artistic side again).
2. Read the complete poems of Walt Whitman
- Starting out 2003 without having read much after high school, this did seem like a difficult feat. I had bought several books in the past year before, but read none of them. For whatever reason, I chose Whitman and the size of his book seemed so intimidating I needed to theoretically give myself a year to read it.
It was very difficult at first to even find the focus and so many times in the first twenty pages or so, I let my mind wander off and the words were blown apart by my day dreams like the noodles poured out of a can of alphabet soup. But, one poem grabbed me, ’Who Is This New Person Drawn To Me” and I began to feel that, while he was a great writer of American history, he was not far off from being a person just as I was. The more I read, the more I said I could do this too and each page empowered me more with this idea that the only thing that separated great writers from myself was the action of actually writing.
After Whitman, I suffered through Great Expectations by Dickens, sampled some Poe but grew weary and found a new voice and inspiration in Henry David Thoreau. ’Walden’ became the words on paper of all the thoughts I felt in my heart but could not define by any means of my own language. I could not even begin to express how deeply the book affected my way of thinking or the confidence it provided to me.
This resolution was particularly successful because it has spawned a new era of self-education for me and eradicated the useless fear I once harbored that I could not read other people’s writings because it would taint my own ability and original thoughts.
3. Twenty-five pushups and sit ups five days a week to start
- The obligatory exercise entry. I have wanted to be physically fit since I was 14 years old, and I have had many excuses in the interim. The one I have stuck with now for several years is that I don’t want to because it’s what every other homo does. Body-worship and retarded aspirations of acceptance through admiration of ones physical state.
I know I need to ’do it for myself’ and I figured a simple start might build to something more. But, my mind is erratic and easily bored or affected. Even 25 pushups seem like an eternity of suffering when I cannot even speak for the first hour of each waking day from exhaustion and misery. It’s all laziness, I know.
4. Walk/Run five miles starting twice a week
- At the beginning of summer my endurance had built up quite substantially. I was actually able to run almost a full mile without feeling I’d collapse in exhaustion. After several weeks of really sticking with it I was honestly shocked to feel my calf muscle one night and see it was cut unlike anything I’d ever seen on my body. Just a little effort and visible proof of it.
But, as summer slammed down on the city, I was seriously ashamed to go out running in shorts because of how white I am, so it fell by the wayside. I did make feeble attempts to restart it as summer was closing down, but my work schedule and commute began weighing down on me physically and I find myself to be in a constant state of fatigue. I have better hopes for next year though.
5. Recite a piece of my work at an open-mic poetry forum
- I actually never even made it back to the Green Mill since I was there over a year ago. I didn’t have high aspirations for this one as I am horribly terrified of getting in front of crowds. But, I sprinkled it on for good seasoning incase I was some day feeling saucy.
6. Visit a new city
- This one began the same as number five; a sprinkling of a thought with no real basis but a list filler. Yet, as quickly as the John Mayer possibility fell in my lap, I suddenly found myself on a landslide toward one of the greatest opportunities of my life. One might think it silly I’d view it as such, but my chance to help San Diego Rob move from the west coast to Atlanta was like a life long dream manifesting.
I landed in Los Angeles, drove down to San Diego. Went to Tempe, AZ then to El Paso, followed by Austin, TX. Then down to New Orleans (which was amazing) and up to Atlanta. It was like a sampling of the country I would have kicked myself for missing. It took months for the experience to settle in my brain before I realized how truly sad I was it went by so quickly.
7. Study photography
- I got a new digital camera for X-mas last year so I assumed it meant I’d suddenly be on the heals of Ansel Adams. I had picked up a book on Chicago with so many fascinating pictures I thought I too should be out there finding my ’eye’. I did take some great photos on my trip across country. Two of my favorite were actually decently artistic: both were shots looking into the rear view mirror. One was of a New Mexico sunset and the other of Rob pumping gas. Hardly a ’study’ in photography, but we learn by doing (and not always by reading ’Dummy Guides to’ something).
8. Paint A Picture
- as a child, I would draw for hours and hours. Before I used words, I spoke artistically through pencils and crayons and incessant doodling. Though, outside of art class, I had never painted a picture. As I learned with writing, I already thought with painting, that there was no reason I couldn’t just do it. I admit though I made zero effort to try and accomplish this.
9. Drink three liters of water a day
- One of the most difficult things I have discovered to do is drinking water when I have a pocket full of singles and a pop machine down the hall. For a while, about the time I was running, I’d down three to four 32 oz bottles of water a day. On the weekends I’d always slack off, but then start up again on Monday.
But, as I seem to be using for my all-purpose excuse, my work schedule began eating away at my life, and I became addicted to the sugar and caffeine kick provided by the eight cans of Pepsi I’d drink a day. Again, another half-assed attempt lost to weakness.
10. Go back to Toronto
- As much as I ached to return in 2003, it just wasn’t financially possible to accomplish this. Which in the end, could be a good thing because it shows a new level of responsibility for me.
11. Pay off three credit cards by my 28th birthday.
- This one truly amazed me. As the new year started I had just paid off two of my department store credit cards with three left to deal with. I think there was a tie for the ’what the hell did I buy there’ award between Express which was close to a thousand and Sears which was pushing $1500. Kohls coming in third with about $800 or so. In five months, I managed to accomplish something I’d agonized about for literally years.
A year before I attempted to contact a credit consolidation place that, though well renowned had blatantly attempted to scam me. At that point I had lost faith in any means by which to conquer my huge debt. Two years after deciding I needed to change my life, I discovered simply by my own fortitude could I deal with issues that seemed so impossibly huge before.
12. Go hiking
- We always wanted to make a tradition of going to Starved Rock each year. Though, I have since lost the friend whom I’d wanted to make the tradition with. I’d also gone to Devil’s Head in Wisconsin and hiked there for part of a day. Needless to say, I do not have enough nature in my life and need to reestablish my connection to it some how. Of course, I made little effort to make it happen this year.
13. Find a new job
- Like a fissure on my ass, my job has plagued me for five years and I do little more than complain. I almost did make an effort at one point when this place so enraged me that I nearly walked out. I did find it humorous that whenever my resume landed in someone’s hands, they became affected by what seemed the same listlessness as myself. I am sure it’s all the workings of the universe to force me to fix my own problems and not expect anyone else to.
14. Write one new piece of work every week.
- I am sure I meant for this to be something more of the artistic side, but I grouped it in with my journal, which has been very successful and occasionally laced with poetry.
15. Get a new computer
- I didn’t get a ’new’ new computer but I did rebuild a machine from work with a faster processor that has given me few problems so far. An actual new computer would fall into the realm of "financial impossibility" for 2003.
16. Spend a day in a secluded place
- Before I had even thought of Thoreau or ’Walden’ I knew that in order for me to tap into the greater part of myself I’d need to be removed from the distractions of the everyday world. Work is a constant irritation and my apartment has too many temptations for me to truly sit and think. I spend scores of time alone but never to the degree that I am connected with a deeper part of myself. This resolution was meant to correct that though it was ultimately never attempted.
17. Take a road trip
- Another thought that manifested itself quite easily in 2003 with Rob moving in February.
18. Fix my roller blades
- The wheels on my blades have been worn down for years and it’s always something I "think" of doing. I did buy wheels, but they were the wrong size. Then I found myself at Sport’s Authority another time trying on several pairs, but I opted not to purchase them; again because of money. So, in a way, it’s ok this one didn’t get done because it saved me money.
19. Pay off at least one of my three major credit cards by year end
- I didn’t think this one would get done, and I was amazed once again that I did it. I had focused on paying my car off early and put this to the side briefly, yet managed to budget the money just right the last few months of the year and got rid of the smallest of the three major pains in my financial ass. Another huge monster of an impossibility easily tamed on my own with a little real effort.
20. Do something cultural every month
- This one seemed to be open to massive interpretation but was none-the-less accomplished in some form or another for most of the year. I started out seeing a play. Followed by many concerts from John Mayer to Handel’s Messiah. I didn’t keep very good track of all that I did but I am confident I did a decent job on this one.
21. Keep a journal
- Another thing, like exercise, I had wanted to do for years and only haphazardly attempted. I have stacks of notebooks with only the first few pages filled spanning the past decade. On June 21st, I wrote my first entry and in less than six months I have written over 500 entries which I feel is a superb accomplishment. The forum of an online journal does seem a bit impersonal and attention-grabbing but I honestly set out to do this first for myself and feel that other people reading it is of little violation to me in any form. In fact, I see it more as a motivator that there may be at least one person out there expecting to hear something, so that on the days when I am feeling distracted I have that thought to keep me on track of my goal.
As a whole, 2003 was a great year of growth and change for me. I took my list of resolutions very seriously from the onset. It was honesty the first year I had real goals. I do feel I spent the ten years before (if not longer) floundering around in life with little confidence in anything. I feel I have reawakened to so many things, and learned so much more for the first time. If I had to choose one word to describe the whole of the year, I would say Enlightenment.
I tapped into my inner artist once again and realized small personal goals are no less important than any major success a person could want. That a lack of an educational degree does not define intelligence. Some people are gifted their whole lives with abilities they need only to realize and utilize.
I realized that not having a car does not hinder a person’s mobility.
I realized that I do have my own opinion that I should not be hesitant to voice if necessary and that other people are equally entitled to theirs.
I learned that the "impossibility" I apply to future desires, like paying off debt, are just irrational fears. The time passes so quickly it seems like only yesterday a thought was formed and it is each person’s opportunity to seize or ignore the chance to turn it to action.
I gained a sense of accountability through my sometimes passionate disdain for my generalized view of society. Within this sense of each person’s responsibility to themselves I came to understand the same as my above thoughts, that there is nothing truly impossible to a person that chooses not to fear and to act.
Morbidly so, I have come to harbor a somewhat distasteful realization that my parents are getting on in their years. As I have gotten older I do not feel such a great distance from them as people but at the same time have kept a silent vigil in my mind that there are fewer years ahead than behind for them. Maybe because they spend so much time joking about their mortality now.
I’ve learned again this year that friendship is an often temporal thing. People change, sometimes for the negative, and you can either allow yourself to be pulled into that world or to walk away from it. Each person has the ability to help themselves and they make the choice whether or not to do so. It goes back to accountability.
We have to grow up sometimes. If that means that a person gets left behind because they choose not to grow the real sadness is that person’s lack of love for themselves. Something even the best of friends cannot provide to a person.
We have but one life and in 2003 I think I finally started to live mine.