The Problem Is Choice
I've been debt free for a week. It doesn't feel much different yet from being in debt. Work is still tedious. The days are grey and dull. Spring is unforgiving with bipolar weather. It is barely breaking cold outside. Inside the winter chill seems trapped. I still wake up every day in an absolute panic about what idiot client may be contacting me while I'm sleeping. I am still trying to just get by the first four days of the week to get to Friday, to try and recoup over the weekend before the same old misery starts taking hold of me on Sundays.
Everything is different now. But, as they say "the more things change the more they stay the same". Or is it "change doesn't happen overnight"?
I may be debt free, but even in the fantasy that I will own a home a year from now, I still must get through the next 11 months living above my incompetent landlords, who the past week seem intent of seeing how much they can take advantage of my good will. I've actually comically considered walking around the building with a wrist brace or somehow faking injury so they will stop asking me for help.
This past Friday the wife actually asked me in a voicemail if I would drive out to the burbs to retrieve the replacement for my months-dead dishwasher. And in the message went on to say, if I couldn't, if she could borrow my truck to retrieve it because of some bullshit excuse involving her spawn and its friends.
These people simply have no shame. YOU are the landlords. YOU are responsible for replacing the dishwasher. This is not a group effort. YOU are collecting a hundred dollars more a month from me in rent. YOU pickup the fucking dishwasher. It's been over a month. It is absolutely ridiculous.
But, I won't say anything to them of course.
In the midst of all this I have spent days and nights online looking at real estate listings to get an idea of what is out there. Not even really knowing what I'll be able to get for a loan. And I've found myself in quite a quandary about where I may end up.
As much as I want to be isolated from the idiots that make up 99.9999% of society, I realize there is a chance I would get lonely if I did not at least have neighbors or wasn't in proximity of human beings.
I accept that most people I know are in the city, and that I would be going back down there to have a social life. I accept this because I know I cannot find what I am looking for in the city. I have no delusions about that. And perhaps another motivation is to remove myself from as many possibilities of going out and getting drunk.
But, I'd often dreamt about having a large chunk of land. A place for that dream garden. A space buffering me from society by walls of nature. But, being closer to a point where I will need to decide I wonder if that isn't too extreme. Is there a middle ground?
Looking at maps of the suburbs, from above looking down it seems like the same thing I am dealing with in the city. People on top of people. No breathing room. No buffer zone. Even worse it seems the modern suburban home has a yard half the size of what I grew up with as a kid. And even what I grew up with seems small to me.
It is a world where yuppies want big houses, but have no interest in yards they have to tend to (unless they hire a truckload of groundskeepers to do it for them). The very thought of such things makes me ill. If I am buying a house, it has to be everything I want because it may be the last place I live until I die. That is a serious thing to be up against. I cannot make this decision rashly.
If I found something acceptable in the midst of the burbs I would at least be near people for socialization. I do have fond memories of neighborhood camaraderie as a kid. I like walking around the neighborhood I am in right now. I don't mind that aspect of things. I just want that with some space. Does it exist?
I have neighbor fears. I've had enough issues just apartment living. What if I move next door to some asshole. Someone that has parties every weekend like my sister's neighbor. Or some yuppy with brat-spawn who knocks balls into my yard and climbs my fences. Dogs barking day and night. Perhaps someone who doesn't like my ideas of gardening. Or even a city or village that has ridiculous laws limiting what I can plant.
If I found something farther south along I-57 there would be no worries about kids and neighbors. I could have a house on an acre or more of land all by itself with cornfields in all directions. I could have the huge backyard to make my dream garden a reality. But, then would I get to the point where I wished I had someone around to appreciate it?
Would I be too far away from my parents house, just in the opposite direction. Too far away from civilization; of grocery stores and gas stations. Too far to deal with work headaches quickly. Too far for cable TV even. I like my solitude, but am I ready to become a recluse? And what happens in winter when one is in the middle of the country? Do the streets even get plowed? Will I be trapped in my home on those days or weeks?
I don't know what the right answer is. I fear there isn't an in between. Anything sizable closer to my folks and society will cost more than I can afford. The houses farther out on the large chunks of land seem to be older and lacking in even the slightest hint of design esthetic.
This is a very big decision. I don't want to make the wrong one.
And perhaps I am not thinking clearly because of my work stress. Or the fact that I seem to be making proximity of my parents a priority when such a thing may not be necessary. I just don't know right now what the answer is. I've got many months to contemplate it of course, but it is weighing on me right now. With the weather around here being so bleak and unruly I am suffering from the same cabin fever I had all winter. Trapped and stagnant, low drive for most any activity. Without even a simple walk a few times a week my mind is unhinged and aching.
On the plus side, I will be removed from it all in a week to venture down to New Orleans for my 40th birthday. I hope amidst any excessive alcohol consumption I can find some clarity.
Everything is different now. But, as they say "the more things change the more they stay the same". Or is it "change doesn't happen overnight"?
I may be debt free, but even in the fantasy that I will own a home a year from now, I still must get through the next 11 months living above my incompetent landlords, who the past week seem intent of seeing how much they can take advantage of my good will. I've actually comically considered walking around the building with a wrist brace or somehow faking injury so they will stop asking me for help.
This past Friday the wife actually asked me in a voicemail if I would drive out to the burbs to retrieve the replacement for my months-dead dishwasher. And in the message went on to say, if I couldn't, if she could borrow my truck to retrieve it because of some bullshit excuse involving her spawn and its friends.
These people simply have no shame. YOU are the landlords. YOU are responsible for replacing the dishwasher. This is not a group effort. YOU are collecting a hundred dollars more a month from me in rent. YOU pickup the fucking dishwasher. It's been over a month. It is absolutely ridiculous.
But, I won't say anything to them of course.
In the midst of all this I have spent days and nights online looking at real estate listings to get an idea of what is out there. Not even really knowing what I'll be able to get for a loan. And I've found myself in quite a quandary about where I may end up.
As much as I want to be isolated from the idiots that make up 99.9999% of society, I realize there is a chance I would get lonely if I did not at least have neighbors or wasn't in proximity of human beings.
I accept that most people I know are in the city, and that I would be going back down there to have a social life. I accept this because I know I cannot find what I am looking for in the city. I have no delusions about that. And perhaps another motivation is to remove myself from as many possibilities of going out and getting drunk.
But, I'd often dreamt about having a large chunk of land. A place for that dream garden. A space buffering me from society by walls of nature. But, being closer to a point where I will need to decide I wonder if that isn't too extreme. Is there a middle ground?
Looking at maps of the suburbs, from above looking down it seems like the same thing I am dealing with in the city. People on top of people. No breathing room. No buffer zone. Even worse it seems the modern suburban home has a yard half the size of what I grew up with as a kid. And even what I grew up with seems small to me.
It is a world where yuppies want big houses, but have no interest in yards they have to tend to (unless they hire a truckload of groundskeepers to do it for them). The very thought of such things makes me ill. If I am buying a house, it has to be everything I want because it may be the last place I live until I die. That is a serious thing to be up against. I cannot make this decision rashly.
If I found something acceptable in the midst of the burbs I would at least be near people for socialization. I do have fond memories of neighborhood camaraderie as a kid. I like walking around the neighborhood I am in right now. I don't mind that aspect of things. I just want that with some space. Does it exist?
I have neighbor fears. I've had enough issues just apartment living. What if I move next door to some asshole. Someone that has parties every weekend like my sister's neighbor. Or some yuppy with brat-spawn who knocks balls into my yard and climbs my fences. Dogs barking day and night. Perhaps someone who doesn't like my ideas of gardening. Or even a city or village that has ridiculous laws limiting what I can plant.
If I found something farther south along I-57 there would be no worries about kids and neighbors. I could have a house on an acre or more of land all by itself with cornfields in all directions. I could have the huge backyard to make my dream garden a reality. But, then would I get to the point where I wished I had someone around to appreciate it?
Would I be too far away from my parents house, just in the opposite direction. Too far away from civilization; of grocery stores and gas stations. Too far to deal with work headaches quickly. Too far for cable TV even. I like my solitude, but am I ready to become a recluse? And what happens in winter when one is in the middle of the country? Do the streets even get plowed? Will I be trapped in my home on those days or weeks?
I don't know what the right answer is. I fear there isn't an in between. Anything sizable closer to my folks and society will cost more than I can afford. The houses farther out on the large chunks of land seem to be older and lacking in even the slightest hint of design esthetic.
This is a very big decision. I don't want to make the wrong one.
And perhaps I am not thinking clearly because of my work stress. Or the fact that I seem to be making proximity of my parents a priority when such a thing may not be necessary. I just don't know right now what the answer is. I've got many months to contemplate it of course, but it is weighing on me right now. With the weather around here being so bleak and unruly I am suffering from the same cabin fever I had all winter. Trapped and stagnant, low drive for most any activity. Without even a simple walk a few times a week my mind is unhinged and aching.
On the plus side, I will be removed from it all in a week to venture down to New Orleans for my 40th birthday. I hope amidst any excessive alcohol consumption I can find some clarity.