12 31 14
It's the last day of the year. In the past I've spent this day coming up with huge lists of resolutions. Often spending the day listening to old jazz or disco music. Feeling a certain energy about the whole affair knowing how silly it all is.
So far, I've made no lists. I'm enjoying the soundtrack to '300: Rise of an Empire'. Counting the minutes to lunch, as I am "working" today and off the next two after. I suppose as always that is the thing dulling my mood on the holiday.
Looking back, this year was the typical roller coaster of events. One of the main things I did on January 1st of this year was to cut sugar out of my diet as much as possible. I ended up losing about 25-30 pounds by mid-summer. That's a lot of weight by cutting out junk food, which has generally been the staple of my diet my whole life.
Unfortunately, come October and Halloween I was back to eating candy and treats. Eventually collapsing back into the metaphorical fetal position downing soda and garbage. I'm positioning myself to make a comeback though. I've gained back about 15 pounds in three months. But, I am literally nauseated ingesting a lot of the cookies, cakes and candy my mother passed along to me on Xmas. Most has been thrown in the garbage this week. I've got things set to get back on the wagon and return to the healthy eating.
Big exercise plans never materialized. I won't kid myself about thoughts on finally doing it this year. If I know anything, it is that my anxiety over work completely consumes me. I am able to maintain a functional life for now doing a minimum, so I will be satisfied with that. Regarding work, and whether I would even consider thoughts of moving on from it I can only say I don't want to ruin my weekend thinking about it. But, I'm also playing the lottery every week in hopes for a miracle fix.
One thing I was reflecting on this past week was how my tolerance of people in general is becoming paper thin. I just cannot stand being around most of them. The life I know in the city, as I've written about many, many times before, is gone. I find the city and the people in it now to be annoying and abrasive. I look forward to being away from them.
Case in point, my landlords. They are decent enough people if not incompetent idiots about basic life functions. But, I hate running into them. I hide in my apartment sometimes to avoid them. I have had garbage sitting up here that's needed to be taken out for days that I just leave sit there. Because I know the second I go down the back stairs one of them will suddenly appear and I'll be forced to have some mundane conversation with them, at best. At worst, they'll be asking me for the umpteenth time to help with their computer problems or other B.S.
I just want to be left alone. That has been my anthem as of late. Whether it be work, landlords etc. Just leave me alone.
I made huge strides in my debt this year. In spring I really did decide it was time to do something. I knew I would be a prisoner to my current state of existence as long as my financial situation remained the same (i.e. so bleak). My Discover card with it's 27% interest rate is now just a memory.
All I have left now is about $1200 on a no interest card I transferred and then about $21,000 on a Visa. I won't fool myself into thinking it will be gone this year. Even at best it will take me another two years from today to eliminate it. A long time. But, I am more committed than ever before. Every time I bump into my landlords I am reminded how my financial situation keeps me trapped in these kind of scenarios. I want to have my own four walls some day. I want to be set free from this.
I turn 40 next year. Doesn't feel like a big deal, though I find it funny I don't feel as old as I am... which is good and bad. There are already plans for a trip to New Orleans for the occasion. And with that, already wrenches in the gears with some people who will affect the trip badly if they are involved. (Again, we go back to me just wanting to get away from most people).
As I think I've written already, I think 2014 was my last Halloween party. I'm still carrying around angst concerning the turnout and the people I know in general. Still find myself wanting to be able to connect with other people "like me" who share my interests. Unfortunately, my first attempt at doing that by joining a group on Facebook has shown me that even people with my shared interest can be intolerable.
I'm looking forward to summer and gardening again. Maybe checking out a comicbook convention this year. Going back to NOLA. For Xmas my parents got me some houses for a Halloween village (like my dad's Xmas one). I look forward to fall already and setting that up.
But, to end on the negative, work is like a dark cloud looming over any anticipation I have. The Meat Packer that got dumped on me from Taco has been an endless punishment for over a year now. I think the CFO there who is my contact is even getting frustrated with me... not because I am doing anything wrong, but because so much has gone wrong since I took over I am the only one to blame.
To add to them, they are moving locations next year. I am already willing to bet that they will decide to move the week before Memorial Day. Which is the same week as my 40th bday and the trip we are planning on. Even if the chances of it are remote, as I've been given no date, I am already dealing with immense anxiety over the thought of it... for weeks now in fact.
Just typing about it makes my head feel like it is swelling. This job is a poison to me. I wish there was an easy cure. My review is in three months. I already know that will be a veiled disaster. I may do my job, but I am certainly not motivated to do much more and I think that has been evident this past year. I also have a sneaking suspicion that yet another of Taco's clients might be getting dumped on me. Just wanted to put that in writing now so I can feel justified when it comes true.
I wish there was some positive to close with. But work clouds the whole horizon. It's a miserable torture, and it is unavoidable.
So far, I've made no lists. I'm enjoying the soundtrack to '300: Rise of an Empire'. Counting the minutes to lunch, as I am "working" today and off the next two after. I suppose as always that is the thing dulling my mood on the holiday.
Looking back, this year was the typical roller coaster of events. One of the main things I did on January 1st of this year was to cut sugar out of my diet as much as possible. I ended up losing about 25-30 pounds by mid-summer. That's a lot of weight by cutting out junk food, which has generally been the staple of my diet my whole life.
Unfortunately, come October and Halloween I was back to eating candy and treats. Eventually collapsing back into the metaphorical fetal position downing soda and garbage. I'm positioning myself to make a comeback though. I've gained back about 15 pounds in three months. But, I am literally nauseated ingesting a lot of the cookies, cakes and candy my mother passed along to me on Xmas. Most has been thrown in the garbage this week. I've got things set to get back on the wagon and return to the healthy eating.
Big exercise plans never materialized. I won't kid myself about thoughts on finally doing it this year. If I know anything, it is that my anxiety over work completely consumes me. I am able to maintain a functional life for now doing a minimum, so I will be satisfied with that. Regarding work, and whether I would even consider thoughts of moving on from it I can only say I don't want to ruin my weekend thinking about it. But, I'm also playing the lottery every week in hopes for a miracle fix.
One thing I was reflecting on this past week was how my tolerance of people in general is becoming paper thin. I just cannot stand being around most of them. The life I know in the city, as I've written about many, many times before, is gone. I find the city and the people in it now to be annoying and abrasive. I look forward to being away from them.
Case in point, my landlords. They are decent enough people if not incompetent idiots about basic life functions. But, I hate running into them. I hide in my apartment sometimes to avoid them. I have had garbage sitting up here that's needed to be taken out for days that I just leave sit there. Because I know the second I go down the back stairs one of them will suddenly appear and I'll be forced to have some mundane conversation with them, at best. At worst, they'll be asking me for the umpteenth time to help with their computer problems or other B.S.
I just want to be left alone. That has been my anthem as of late. Whether it be work, landlords etc. Just leave me alone.
I made huge strides in my debt this year. In spring I really did decide it was time to do something. I knew I would be a prisoner to my current state of existence as long as my financial situation remained the same (i.e. so bleak). My Discover card with it's 27% interest rate is now just a memory.
All I have left now is about $1200 on a no interest card I transferred and then about $21,000 on a Visa. I won't fool myself into thinking it will be gone this year. Even at best it will take me another two years from today to eliminate it. A long time. But, I am more committed than ever before. Every time I bump into my landlords I am reminded how my financial situation keeps me trapped in these kind of scenarios. I want to have my own four walls some day. I want to be set free from this.
I turn 40 next year. Doesn't feel like a big deal, though I find it funny I don't feel as old as I am... which is good and bad. There are already plans for a trip to New Orleans for the occasion. And with that, already wrenches in the gears with some people who will affect the trip badly if they are involved. (Again, we go back to me just wanting to get away from most people).
As I think I've written already, I think 2014 was my last Halloween party. I'm still carrying around angst concerning the turnout and the people I know in general. Still find myself wanting to be able to connect with other people "like me" who share my interests. Unfortunately, my first attempt at doing that by joining a group on Facebook has shown me that even people with my shared interest can be intolerable.
I'm looking forward to summer and gardening again. Maybe checking out a comicbook convention this year. Going back to NOLA. For Xmas my parents got me some houses for a Halloween village (like my dad's Xmas one). I look forward to fall already and setting that up.
But, to end on the negative, work is like a dark cloud looming over any anticipation I have. The Meat Packer that got dumped on me from Taco has been an endless punishment for over a year now. I think the CFO there who is my contact is even getting frustrated with me... not because I am doing anything wrong, but because so much has gone wrong since I took over I am the only one to blame.
To add to them, they are moving locations next year. I am already willing to bet that they will decide to move the week before Memorial Day. Which is the same week as my 40th bday and the trip we are planning on. Even if the chances of it are remote, as I've been given no date, I am already dealing with immense anxiety over the thought of it... for weeks now in fact.
Just typing about it makes my head feel like it is swelling. This job is a poison to me. I wish there was an easy cure. My review is in three months. I already know that will be a veiled disaster. I may do my job, but I am certainly not motivated to do much more and I think that has been evident this past year. I also have a sneaking suspicion that yet another of Taco's clients might be getting dumped on me. Just wanted to put that in writing now so I can feel justified when it comes true.
I wish there was some positive to close with. But work clouds the whole horizon. It's a miserable torture, and it is unavoidable.