Festivus
Way back when, at my old, horrible job the Playpen we would send out an email forward thing around to a few of the sane people in our click this time of year celebrating "Festivus" (from that Seinfeld ep). We'd list grievances and then say a feat of strength we would be performing.
I left there in January of 2007. I was replaced almost immediately by this straight, ex-Marine kid who is around 30 I think. He was welcomed with open arms there at first. Being ex-military the Mafioso jizzed in his pants about bringing the kid on. Everything was just "wonderful".
Well, almost three years have passed and all the wonder and glory and sanity are gone now and that kid is reaping the same Hell on Earth I did when I worked there. He sent out his Festivus email today and it's almost uncomfortable for me to read.
It all at once reminds me of the pain I suffered in that job as well as the horror that it really wasn't *me*. All the shit that happened there and the depths to which I sank were exactly the reaction of any sane person in that situation it seems. And it makes me angry to think all those evil people still exist and are still getting away with murder.
I almost want to fall on my knees, weep and thank the maker that I got out of there. Lest I be eaten alive and driven to homicide.
His email:
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To Festivus I grieve:
#1 This shitty company's logo, how many geniuses convened and for how long to figure out how to italicize 3 words, bold 1 in Arial font, all in 1 color? Other companies have simple logos but look good (i.e. FedEx, Dell, Sony, etc).? I'd like to show the genius the Font menu, the color menu, the size menu in Word. I guess if we did have a picture logo, it would be a fat guy, a hermaphrodite and a wine glass with rotten junk.
#2 Why can't I get software that benefits this piece of shit company that only costs $3k but that alcoholic piece of shit waste of life stale cuntbag whose vagina probably looks like a gas station bathroom; gets $10k to pay for her DUI lawyers (who she is probably fucking) and an extra $5k that is probably for her rent and deposit to her new whore house? Why is this fucking hag rewarded for her irresponsible drinking and driving and living, yet us who work hard, earnestly, honestly in a non-sexual way and drink excessively but drive responsibly, get the fucking shaft when it comes to a bonus or raise? I'd be happing splitting those $15k between us and buying her a $25 Jewel gift card for her drinking habit.
#3 Why does everyone kiss ass and suck up to someone whose balls have been stretched thinner than paper in lobas and tomas' direction? Why do people tremble by simply hearing his name? Fuck that shit, I don't fear anyone; especially fuckers who can't remember their fucking password to their own fucking HOME COMPUTER!! Nor those who would rather run out of gas in the middle of nowhere instead of gassing their own fucking vehicle themselves. Nor those who don't have the balls to make decisions for their OWN piece of shit company, without consulting with rancid whores. I can only hope one day your shoelace will come undone and you'll fall because you can't or don't know how to tie your own fucking shoe.
#4 Why is that vile disease ridden bitch who probably has a pound of roast beef between her legs, get to choose which software to get the company? Is it cuz she’s fucking jefe or is it cuz she’s fucking the software vendor who oracles all over her leather handbag face? Why does she think she is the shit in this worthless company? Like a wise man once said: That’s like being the coolest fucking kid with Down syndrome. Since you have unlimited vacation days, do us all a favor and take a day off and throw yourself off a building; if you need encouragement, I will throw a wine bottle first for you to follow. Fucking turd.
#5 Why do you call me just to find out where I am if you don't need anything? I don't need to hear the shit that comes out of your cock holster asking why I'm out of the office. Why don't you spend your time more productively and take control of your fucking fake employees. I'm sick and tired of the illegal piece of shit Javier Murillo, aka Angel Garcia, aka Daniel Avila, aka retArd who can't even fucking spell "laptop" and most likely misspells his own fake name. I swear to Allah, I will send immigration to St. Louis to deport your ass. Are you listening beer gut slut? How about you take the cock out of your mouth, clean the baby gravy off your face, do some real work and leave everyone the fuck alone! The only GOOD thing that EVER came out of you are your daughter's breasts.
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I guess I could say to anyone that ever thought I was overreacting about how bad it was there... SUCK IT! It's reeeeaaaalllll!
I really feel like I could have written that. Especially the part where he swears "to Allah". Funny thing, this kid doesn't even know me and aside from saying hello once we never spoke. Is it demon possession?
I left there in January of 2007. I was replaced almost immediately by this straight, ex-Marine kid who is around 30 I think. He was welcomed with open arms there at first. Being ex-military the Mafioso jizzed in his pants about bringing the kid on. Everything was just "wonderful".
Well, almost three years have passed and all the wonder and glory and sanity are gone now and that kid is reaping the same Hell on Earth I did when I worked there. He sent out his Festivus email today and it's almost uncomfortable for me to read.
It all at once reminds me of the pain I suffered in that job as well as the horror that it really wasn't *me*. All the shit that happened there and the depths to which I sank were exactly the reaction of any sane person in that situation it seems. And it makes me angry to think all those evil people still exist and are still getting away with murder.
I almost want to fall on my knees, weep and thank the maker that I got out of there. Lest I be eaten alive and driven to homicide.
His email:
------------
To Festivus I grieve:
#1 This shitty company's logo, how many geniuses convened and for how long to figure out how to italicize 3 words, bold 1 in Arial font, all in 1 color? Other companies have simple logos but look good (i.e. FedEx, Dell, Sony, etc).? I'd like to show the genius the Font menu, the color menu, the size menu in Word. I guess if we did have a picture logo, it would be a fat guy, a hermaphrodite and a wine glass with rotten junk.
#2 Why can't I get software that benefits this piece of shit company that only costs $3k but that alcoholic piece of shit waste of life stale cuntbag whose vagina probably looks like a gas station bathroom; gets $10k to pay for her DUI lawyers (who she is probably fucking) and an extra $5k that is probably for her rent and deposit to her new whore house? Why is this fucking hag rewarded for her irresponsible drinking and driving and living, yet us who work hard, earnestly, honestly in a non-sexual way and drink excessively but drive responsibly, get the fucking shaft when it comes to a bonus or raise? I'd be happing splitting those $15k between us and buying her a $25 Jewel gift card for her drinking habit.
#3 Why does everyone kiss ass and suck up to someone whose balls have been stretched thinner than paper in lobas and tomas' direction? Why do people tremble by simply hearing his name? Fuck that shit, I don't fear anyone; especially fuckers who can't remember their fucking password to their own fucking HOME COMPUTER!! Nor those who would rather run out of gas in the middle of nowhere instead of gassing their own fucking vehicle themselves. Nor those who don't have the balls to make decisions for their OWN piece of shit company, without consulting with rancid whores. I can only hope one day your shoelace will come undone and you'll fall because you can't or don't know how to tie your own fucking shoe.
#4 Why is that vile disease ridden bitch who probably has a pound of roast beef between her legs, get to choose which software to get the company? Is it cuz she’s fucking jefe or is it cuz she’s fucking the software vendor who oracles all over her leather handbag face? Why does she think she is the shit in this worthless company? Like a wise man once said: That’s like being the coolest fucking kid with Down syndrome. Since you have unlimited vacation days, do us all a favor and take a day off and throw yourself off a building; if you need encouragement, I will throw a wine bottle first for you to follow. Fucking turd.
#5 Why do you call me just to find out where I am if you don't need anything? I don't need to hear the shit that comes out of your cock holster asking why I'm out of the office. Why don't you spend your time more productively and take control of your fucking fake employees. I'm sick and tired of the illegal piece of shit Javier Murillo, aka Angel Garcia, aka Daniel Avila, aka retArd who can't even fucking spell "laptop" and most likely misspells his own fake name. I swear to Allah, I will send immigration to St. Louis to deport your ass. Are you listening beer gut slut? How about you take the cock out of your mouth, clean the baby gravy off your face, do some real work and leave everyone the fuck alone! The only GOOD thing that EVER came out of you are your daughter's breasts.
---------------
I guess I could say to anyone that ever thought I was overreacting about how bad it was there... SUCK IT! It's reeeeaaaalllll!
I really feel like I could have written that. Especially the part where he swears "to Allah". Funny thing, this kid doesn't even know me and aside from saying hello once we never spoke. Is it demon possession?