A whole other subject entirely
Aside from the whole, I am woman glory I alluded to earlier, I have really learned a lot about myself lately. When I spent 3 1/2 months in the hospital last year with pneumonia, almost died and had to be completely taken care of by others, I learned how to change and use a bedpan, correctly and carefully clean someone who is not ambulatory, and to transfer them from the bed to the toilet in a walker. I had no idea that in less than a year I would be doing all of these things in my own home for my mother. I have begun to feel almost grateful for the experiences afforded me when I was ill and lucid that have allowed me to see the people in my life for who they are, to appreciate those who are worth it, to realize the size of the circle of people who really do care me, and to plant the seeds of determination to improve my life so that I can live to the fullest. I am very thankful that I have my mother, although sometimes my frustrations are great. My housekeeping is atrocious and I fear that someday I will be featured on a bad episode of "Hoarders: Buried Alive". In the past I have used food to avoid and smother my emotions. Lately I have begun to resort to writing, reading, and (GASP) exercise. I have also been reading alot lately, mostly audiobooks while I cook and wash dishes. My favorites have been books by Augusten Burroughs, and in some of those truly fucked-up characters, I have seen reflected some of my own faulty thinking. I really think I am starting to break through some of my barriers and I might actually become someone I WANT to know.
