It still hurts...
It's been one month today since my father passed away. The days aren't alike as today it's very... gloomy. The rain that patters against my window, the silence, and the stillness. It's still hard to believe that he's left the family. That he's really gone from us to a better world. Is it wrong of me to still be in shock? To still hurt and wish that he never had left? I just wish a lot of things in life changed. I just wish he was back, alive, healthy, and full of life.
I'm an emotional wreck. But I try to look up everyday and feel as if this is what he wanted me to do. TO go on with my life and be happy. Be successful. But how can you be all of that when a part of you, your heart, is missing? It's like I"m empty inside still. That part of him, in my heart, still pains me and it throbs ongoing without an end. I won't ever hear his laugh again, hear his encouraging words, or be there and watch Penn State play a game and win. There are a lot of things I miss that I won't be able to do with anyone else.
I sit here and I cry. I lay down and I cry. I dream and I cry. It's because I miss him so much. What father figure do I look up to now? I'm so afraid that life won't be as happy anymore without him. I don't know what to look for in life. Sometimes I wonder why he was taken away. Were we not good enough to keep him? Did the hospital intentionally put him in this condition just to end his life? He was doing so well last year after his procedure. And then the doctors started to neglect him, poke at him like some test subject, and try new things. It's like they didn't care anymore.
Why am I even blaming them, or God? I just want him back. I want my life back. I can't ever get close to anyone because I'm afraid I'll lose them. I'm not the strongest person in the world when I don't have those I love with me. I may have issues, I know I do, and it affects my everyday life. I've fought more with my mom and sister. We all have been fighting. It never ends. It's like he was the person who made peace among the house. And with him gone, it's like a war that continues on and off everyday.
And then my mom thinks that the reason I can't get close to a guy, can't have a boyfriend, is because without my father there.. who is there to protect me? That my issue is I can't be with someone because then they would be the only guy in my life and I wouldn't want them to replace my father. How can they replace my father? Maybe I'm just being too anti-social that it affects my love life. I don't seek anyone because I would just want it to happen. The relationship build before I go out with someone. They could never replace my father. But they could be the one that stands by my side and protects me. Makes my every day much better than the one before. And holds me when I cry because I can't handle it by myself. I don't know why everyone thinks I need a boyfriend. I thought I was doing well by myself. Plus any guy that I've ever liked either treated me like shit or rejected me. So why should I look? I'm too afraid of the next rejection or the next shitty situation I'll be put through.
Anyway, today I just want to be at peace. There are steps I need to take and it'll take time before I can finally let the hurt go. I want to stop crying. I want to stop feeling depressed. I want to be happy again. But time could only tell. And I hope one day I'll be able to laugh and be merry without having to feel guilty that my dad isn't there to share it with me.
Classes are fine by the way, just a bit busy with the homework load. Had a few tests last week that I think went pretty good. Besides that, another week of school. How dreadful. Atleast I'll be looking for a new car this coming Thursday. Wish me luck. Hope you all had a nice weekend and a good week to come. Just don't worry about me, I'll be fine. =)