your favorite book sucks.
there are spoilers in this rant. i would apologize, but i don't give a shit.
ok, so i finally read this damn book and i think i was like the last person in the world to do so. now, while i won't agree with the literary critics who think that this is like the worst thing ever written, i will say that it's certainly not as good as everyone thinks it is--the book of which i speak is the da vinci code, a 489 page shitstorm of murder, intrigue, wooden characters, plausible history, and some of the worst writing i've seen outside of a high school creative writing course.
seriously, this book reads like something i'd have written at the age of fifteen and been immensely proud of. the research put into this book proves that dan brown can read, but maybe he should have devoted some time to reading actual novels written by authors so he could learn some new vocabulary and the difference between foreshadowing and hitting his audience over the head with a shovel. how many times does he seriously need to have the female lead have a flashback to something SO TOTALLY OMFG HORRIBLE!!!!!1111 without actually telling us what the fuck she is supposed to be remembering? when it was finally explained, it was totally anti-climactic because, for one thing, i didn't care anymore; for another, it wasn't even really that horrible. i was expecting at least an animal sacrifice or something, but some kind of froofy pagan love-rite doesn't exactly enter into the top ten things that would make me never forgive someone. instead, her shunning of her grandfather reminds me of a child deciding to never speak to her parents again because she walks in on them having sex. whoopdy-doo. so your grandpa's a weirdo. join the club. throw in a couple of scenes of sensationalist self-flagellation and a few probably incorrect views of secret societies and apparently you have a hit. who knew?
of course, another thing that i think is totally lame is how much people polarize over this book. the people that LOOOOOOOVE it are annoying, yes, but just as irritating are the people that say that it's the worst piece of crap ever written. mainly because this book is simply too mediocre to qualify as the worst piece of crap ever written. it is seriously a completely unremarkable book. i wouldn't call it boring, the frantic pace (some people have called it rushed, i would actually disagree, i think the one thing that kept me actually reading this was the pacing) keeps it from ever getting boring--but without the net of murder, intrigue, subterfuge, etc, it would have been just another one of those books that like to rip off the christ conspiracy or holy blood, holy grail (which we all know about that lawsuit...), another work of theoretical nonfiction that collects dust on the shelves at barnes & noble. but in the end, the book is well-researched, the history is plausible, it might make people think about their beliefs, and it is actually getting americans to READ (gasp!) so it can't be all bad.
so am i going to see the movie? well....yeah. i see pretty much everything with this much hype, if for no other reason than so i can tell everyone how not worth the hype it is. and i mean, come on it has LEON in it. he kicks ass.
ok, so i finally read this damn book and i think i was like the last person in the world to do so. now, while i won't agree with the literary critics who think that this is like the worst thing ever written, i will say that it's certainly not as good as everyone thinks it is--the book of which i speak is the da vinci code, a 489 page shitstorm of murder, intrigue, wooden characters, plausible history, and some of the worst writing i've seen outside of a high school creative writing course.
seriously, this book reads like something i'd have written at the age of fifteen and been immensely proud of. the research put into this book proves that dan brown can read, but maybe he should have devoted some time to reading actual novels written by authors so he could learn some new vocabulary and the difference between foreshadowing and hitting his audience over the head with a shovel. how many times does he seriously need to have the female lead have a flashback to something SO TOTALLY OMFG HORRIBLE!!!!!1111 without actually telling us what the fuck she is supposed to be remembering? when it was finally explained, it was totally anti-climactic because, for one thing, i didn't care anymore; for another, it wasn't even really that horrible. i was expecting at least an animal sacrifice or something, but some kind of froofy pagan love-rite doesn't exactly enter into the top ten things that would make me never forgive someone. instead, her shunning of her grandfather reminds me of a child deciding to never speak to her parents again because she walks in on them having sex. whoopdy-doo. so your grandpa's a weirdo. join the club. throw in a couple of scenes of sensationalist self-flagellation and a few probably incorrect views of secret societies and apparently you have a hit. who knew?
of course, another thing that i think is totally lame is how much people polarize over this book. the people that LOOOOOOOVE it are annoying, yes, but just as irritating are the people that say that it's the worst piece of crap ever written. mainly because this book is simply too mediocre to qualify as the worst piece of crap ever written. it is seriously a completely unremarkable book. i wouldn't call it boring, the frantic pace (some people have called it rushed, i would actually disagree, i think the one thing that kept me actually reading this was the pacing) keeps it from ever getting boring--but without the net of murder, intrigue, subterfuge, etc, it would have been just another one of those books that like to rip off the christ conspiracy or holy blood, holy grail (which we all know about that lawsuit...), another work of theoretical nonfiction that collects dust on the shelves at barnes & noble. but in the end, the book is well-researched, the history is plausible, it might make people think about their beliefs, and it is actually getting americans to READ (gasp!) so it can't be all bad.
so am i going to see the movie? well....yeah. i see pretty much everything with this much hype, if for no other reason than so i can tell everyone how not worth the hype it is. and i mean, come on it has LEON in it. he kicks ass.