Dealing With Spencer-Chapter Twelve Part One
Kenji had always wondered about Spencer's dreams. He wondered as he watched him snoozing deeply. Kenji looked down at him in a rare moment that he caught the blonde sleeping peacefully and couldn’t help but wonder what images his unconsciousness produced. Kenji had his arm wrapped around him from behind and his head braced on his free hand while the blonde had curled up against him. Quietly the younger man listened to the sounds coming from him. Even in his sleep Spencer was never truly relaxed. Every now and then a soft gasp escaped his lips and he’d move slightly. Kenji could see his eyes moving behind his lids and softly stroke through the messy hair.
The touch made him move and he pressed a little closer to Kenji, searching, even in his dreams for more closeness. He smelled good; Kenji thought dreamingly and kissed the pale cheek fondly. Sometimes he wondered why he felt so affected by him and in moments like this he might go with Zane's belief regarding a chemical reaction, though his best friend only recently came to that conclusion, right after Trish dumped him. Currently he had his eyes on a girl named Monika but still widely promoted the idea that love only exists in molecules.
Maybe some of it is true, Kenji thought and caressed along Spencer's temple as if painting some of his feelings onto the skin. It was over a year since that first thanksgiving that Spencer spent with his family. By now the blonde had become almost a family member. Kenji was proud of his family and immensely grateful, they took Spencer in and the result was more than uplifting. Only his father often gave them a hard time. Though, for some strange reasons it seemed to affect him rather positively since Spencer was trying very hard to impress Mr. Miyagi. Every smile he received he took gratefully.
Granted not everything had been perfectly great and Kenji thought of a few incidents while he kept on softly caressing him in his sleep. It was definitely rare to have the chance for watching him sleep because the blonde barely ever slept. Surely it hadn’t been easy to adjust to the highly unusual hours but Kenji nonetheless did. He did a lot more in those past months than that.
It had been his mom who one day suggested inviting Spencer to her group. She was teaching a course for the community children in which the kids were basically told how to act in certain situations such as an emergency. The course did a lot more than that and she figured that in this different environment it might help him to learn. Eager to learn Spencer agreed, though with a reluctance that only Kenji noticed. Kenji was the one who talked to Lawrence Trainour and asked for the permission to pick up Spencer every Thursday.
After Spencer went about two times Kenji made another request and from that day on Spencer was allowed to spend the weekends at Kenji's place. Everybody agreed that in order to prepare, it would be best if Spencer gained more perception by living with a normal family. It is safe to say that the blonde had quite a profound affect on the family.
It had never been easy and the problems started with the soccer match, not so much because of the sport but because of Ty, who showed up with a fake smile and gave Kenji a hug. By now Kenji knew a whole lot more about Spencer's problems but back then it bewildered him to see him aggressive for the first time. He wasn’t violently aggressive but had huge problems in dealing with jealousy.
The reason for that was quite simple. Spencer had never been jealous before and the emotion hit him unprepared. The only few times where he felt something similar was always when he was with Kenji. Dr. Hollister explained later that Spencer was raised and kept so tightly cut out from life that there had never been reason to be jealous. He had been around both parents long enough to accept not being the only one in his mother’s life and she had always been so fixated on him that he never had to fear competition.
This of course was entirely different with Kenji. At first it seemed impossible to make him even articulate what it was that was making him so angry and when he finally confessed that he didn’t like Ty, it became evident in his struggle to explain himself, that he was jealous. Kenji was surprised because he had never given him reason to doubt his faithfulness, besides it was obvious even to the people who barely knew Kenji that he was in love with Spencer.
The reason why Spencer continued to see his psychiatrist was also easy. He wanted to get better. With two sessions a week they started slow. Trainour Senior was impressed by this improvement and the fact that his grandson made that choice by himself. He talked to Dr. Hollister and suggested that Kenji should be informed about those sessions. It was an unusual choice and the expert talked to both of them. In the end Spencer gave his agreement that unless he would state it orally within the session that he’d like to keep this between him and his doctor, Dr. Hollister was allowed to share most of the content with Kenji.
Hollister wasn’t too happy in the beginning because he, as well as a lot of people around the couple, sincerely doubted the bond between them. He found Kenji too young to be involved in this highly sensitive subject and raised concern because in his mind Spencer was already depending on Kenji too much. There were a lot of disorders mentioned, diagnosed, changed and dismissed but he was sure about two: Separation Anxiety Disorder and unfortunately Dependent Personality Disorder.
Spencer's biggest fear was to be abandoned and it was evident in every one of his improvements. Dr. Hollister worried that Spencer might be doing all of this solely for Kenji in order to live with him and he feared that it was the wrong reason. After one session he had called Kenji into his office and asked him a rather personal question regarding their intimate life, which had Kenji blush and stuttering that he found it a bit too personal. Surprisingly enough Hollister smiled mildly and said he understood but he was wondering if maybe the patient felt pressured. He came to that conclusion because Spencer casually mentioned that he hoped to be the right one for Kenji and that he feared he was not making him happy.
It felt strange to Kenji to assure the psychiatrist that there seemed to be no problem in that area. Which wasn’t exactly true, either. There was a certain anxiety that often lay in Spencer's touches and he always seemed insecure, much unlike his behaviour in the tree house. Neither Kenji nor Hollister knew that the blonde was simply struggling with an awakening yearn for closeness.
For Spencer those months had been hard. He needed to adjust to so much and sometimes it felt difficult. If Kenji had been able to read his mind he would have noticed that Spencer had become curious and it pushed him out of balance because usually he had dreaded all things sexual. Since everything was different with Kenji, that changed but he had never learned how to deal with those sorts of feelings.
Dr. Hollister often talked about the mother and despite how much Kenji disliked her by now he was actually grateful to hear a few things from a different view. Things, Spencer mostly liked to be untold. It made a few things clear and added a few more questions as well. Fact was that the father, as Hollister told Kenji one day, left because he was disturbed by the affection they shared. Though knowing that the mother was in the wrong, he had been too weak and too scared by everything that he simply left the family. It was Spencer's father who talked to Dr. Hollister shortly after the discovery of the pregnancy. It was his father who gave a clearer picture on the abuse and unconsciously an explanation for the boy’s utter compliance.
“They shared a very small world,” Hollister explained and added, “A world hidden from the outside and it went on for years. A few things I gathered from his father but most of is still locked up inside him.”
“He still loves her,” Kenji said with his eyes lifted on the dark haired doctor as if he expected an explanation.
“She had quite an impact on the world.’
“Did you know her?”
“Oh, yes. Everybody knows the Trainour girl in my profession. I’ve only met her once in person but I can honestly say I will never forget her. She went through so many specialists and was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder when she was ten, I think.”
Kenji stayed quiet and refrained from letting out his anger because she obviously had never been fit to take care of a child and yet the family never interfered.
“She was rich, spoiled and a beautiful girl. Even during her high times of using drugs she never lost her beauty. Mr. Trainour himself once said that she is one of those girls who will be on drugs all her life but always look like a prom queen. She had been aware of her amenities and used them against everybody. Her mental state rapidly worsened when the boy was born. According to concerning colleagues, who noted it in the files, she instantly took control over her son in mind, soul and body.”
“How could the father leave? Or rather why didn’t he leave earlier?”
“Because he was a young man in love with a beautiful girl. It sounds like fairy tale. They’d been living in the big house in the beginning and later in the treehouse with no worries whatsoever and at first they functioned as a perfect family. They both agreed to raise him differently. It had not bothered the father to have sex with his wife when the boy was in the room because it was all so natural. Which in a way might be truth but evidently the mother soon started to project more and more of her longings into her son, who she always called her soul mate.
She excused most of her behaviour by making a point of being a good mother. She claimed that by simply helping the boy to develop she was doing a good thing. For the most part the father believed it as well. He had a very close relationship to his son in the beginning but it changed when she started to pull the child closer to her and out of his influence, which due her many strange ways worked quickly. Don’t get me wrong if I say this but a part of her parenting had been truly wonderful.”
“Wonderful?”
“Yes. She always taught him things in playful games and she used to make him the sole centre of her attention, though at the time using emotional blackmail to maintain that status. The father became disturbed when he more than once watched her persuading the boy to touch her inappropriately, saying or rather stating matter of factly that she was only teaching him to become a good lover. By that time, I’m afraid it was already too late. I don’t know if you can imagine how devastating it is for a young mind to have the one person of trust change in that way. When a loving mother becomes a wanting woman it in almost all cases a life shattering experience.
She demanded his attention in exchange for giving him love, care and safety. He never had a choice and since his father unfortunately reacted more disturbed than helpful he was pretty much alone in this mess. His father told me that when Spencer would show reluctance or discomfort she would not yell at him but cry. She would tell him that he didn’t love her enough or sometimes shun him to show her disappointment. By taking away the usual fondness she most likely damaged him most. He didn’t want to disappoint her or make her angry and was utterly frightened of that coldness she threatened him with that he completely gave into her. That sort of devotion tore him apart and separated child and lover. Not just in his mind but in hers as well. I believe that by the time the father left she already wanted him gone. She mostly wanted to be alone and in complete isolation because I sincerely believe that she knew it was morally wrong. However once the boundary is broken she kept making him the caring husband that she needed to be loved by. They both share similar disorders and there are theories that some of them might even be inherited. Clever scientists even claim that the incest was bound to happen, though I don’t share that theory.”
“I still can’t believe this happened and no one noticed,” Kenji hushed quietly in discomfort because it still unnerved him to picture Spencer in that position. He couldn’t care less about theories and he didn’t like the way Hollister explained all of it, with such a calm voice and that slight hint of fascination. Nothing about this was fascinating, he thought but kept quiet.
“Oh, well the Trainour’s are a big, wealthy and well known family. She had always caused problems but with the child she seemed satisfied. She never attempted to adjust him to society. Even when she took him out on rare occasions she only showed him her world. As far as I known she got arrested at least twice and because she feared to lose the son she simply stayed home. You’ve been to the house, it’s a huge house and life went on with her out of the picture.
Trainour’s senior biggest mistake was to keep it low profile after he separated Spencer from his mother. He should have interfered when the husband left. Spencer’s father even told him why. He surely did the wrong thing by leaving him with her but I can partly feel compassion since he was also struggling with addiction and had been ripped of his social life for a couple of years. When his wife started to seek out more intimacy with her son he reacted with a dreadful jealousy. He said once that he couldn’t bear looking at Spencer and that’s why he had to leave.”
Hollister paused and took a deep breath. It felt strange to tell this saddening story to such a young man. No matter how many papers were being written regarding incest there would never be an understanding. At least not in the western part of the world and especially not in a case where it was clearly a forced intimacy.
“The problem with incest in such a case is the affection between the family. Interesting enough it’s always harder when it’s the mother who is the abuser. It isn’t even a phenomenon and happens quite often but it’s rarely ever discussed. In most of those cases it never comes out. It’s hidden behind thick doors and when your doors are as thick as the Trainour’s it stays hidden. You see, in case of mother abuse people often tend to a softer tone. They often search for excuses and are more likely to forgive. Lawrence Trainour couldn’t believe that his daughter would do such a thing and even went with the father’s emotions by blaming a lot of it on the boy.
After all it is the man who gains pleasure by sexual intercourse. It also increased the guilt and shame factor and therefore they tried to keep it quiet. Trainour truly believed that with a simple teacher and a little help Spencer would become a normal boy in a matter of weeks because he had not even begun to understand what had happened right under his nose. That of course didn’t work because neither gave an explanation or even tried to find out more about this relationship. Quite the opposite he was looked at with accusing eyes that made him feel more shame and forced him to distance himself more from the world. It is not surprising that he pushed aside the negative thoughts regarding his mother because being confronted with the harshness of the Trainour’s and all those immense expectations he’d wished himself back into that small world. An easier world if you will. Where there was only his mother and him.
Now he has you, Kenji and now you’ve become that one person he holds on to.”
Kenji shifted in his seat and wiped his palms over his jeans before he said, “And I guess you want to lecture me on how wrong that is?”
“I don’t know,’ Dr. Hollister admitted, “He seems to be doing well.”
“He is doing well. He’s very smart.”
“On the contrary, he’s not only very smart but regarding his IQ in general, basic testing he’s a genius, which is why it’s absolutely not understandable that he can’t read.”
Kenji stayed quiet because he had made a promise and he couldn’t help being amused by this confusion. Dr. Hollister might know a lot about Spencer’s mom and the reasons as to why things had turned out like that but he didn’t know Spencer very well. It was something Kenji claimed for himself. He knew Spencer. He was absolutely certain of that even though when sometimes things baffled him. Maybe that was part of it, the way Spencer sometimes tried to copy him during the day or the way the blonde tried to impress his dad, or those very intense emotions, all of that sometimes threw him off balance. It was scary sometimes and he hated nothing more when he couldn’t help him. It always broke his heart.
Halloween was a disaster, Kenji thought pushing aside Dr. Hollister’s words to focus more on Spencer. He hushed another kiss into the blonde hair and almost shook his head by the memory. Halloween was not a disaster due the horror content or scary costumes or stomach pain because of too much candy, as Mrs. Miyagi had feared at some point because Spencer truly enjoyed sweets. He was actually so obsessed that half way through a bucket he got slightly sick. It made Kenji laugh to notice that despite obvious health issues the blonde only reluctantly stopped and was then overwhelmed by a sugar rush. That happened in between the perfect beginning and a horrible ending.
The day started perfectly romantic. In Kenji's mind it counted as one of the sweetest moments between them. Unlike what he had told Dr. Hollister their sex life was something rather strange because it constantly reeled back and forth between reluctance and want. Kenji had come to learn to wait for Spencer to make the first move because the blonde felt more relaxed and when Kenji showed too much agitation he sort of backed out. It was therefore quite enjoyable to be awakened by an eager Spencer who seemed to have become obsessed with kissing over night.
He hadn’t even waited for Kenji to fully wake up when he started to kiss him so intensely that Kenji partly thought he was still in a sort of dream. There is no way in telling how long they made out but they both were breathless afterwards and their faces were blushing with a post-orgasmic glow. The entire time Spencer had laid on top of him and shifted with the intensity of the kiss. Granted, due the thin fabric of the night clothing they shared an intense body contact and yet all they did was kiss. Occasionally the sensitive parts would graze each other in a soft thrust, not nearly as heavily as they were breathing.
It was something that certainly had never happened to Kenji. He rarely ever had even a wet dream and always believed to be a more physical person. As it turned out with Spencer a little bit of closeness, a bit of shifting and some widely tongue battling seemed enough to push him over the edge. That revelation had Kenji beaming the entire day, much to the dislike of his father who started to worry about those sleeping arrangements and felt estranged to notice that glow on Spencer's face as well. He curled his lips and shook his head before returning to the newspaper, ignoring the soft chuckling of the young men.
Mrs. Miyagi had made pancakes with funny ghost faces that naturally affected Spencer and made him smile so enchantingly that Kenji's mom blushed with pride. Well, life isn’t easy but making him smile is, Kenji thought as he remembered the start of the day and for a brief moment buried his face onto the sleeping blonde’s neck.
After breakfast Kenji had to go to school and Spencer stayed home with his mom. During the days when he didn’t have to learn anything and wasn’t watching a movie, which had become quite an obsession ever since Alien, Spencer often stayed outside in the garden. Nobody had even noticed that he befriended Jonathan Meyers from next door, a wooden fence with lots of holes and therefore a free view separated the two gardens.
Jonathan was a ten-year-old boy suffering from an aggressive from of cancer and therefore stayed home. One day Spencer mentioned him and told Kenji that they played together. The younger man wasn’t bothered since he knew that Spencer was absolutely wonderful with kids and it never occurred to him that some people might see that differently. One of those people was Mrs. Meyer, Jonathan’s mother who came home early that Halloween day only to find her son tied up to a tree and a very strange blonde teenager yelling at him.
Despite the urgency with which Jonathan tried to explain to his mother that it was simply part of the game he didn’t get through to her. She screamed in a raging voice, freed her son and still screamed as she walked back into the house threatening to call the police. Spencer was so shocked that he had trouble explaining to Mrs. Miyagi what had happened and he didn’t understand it. He was worried about Jonathan, his friend, as he explained and so utterly shaken up by Mrs. Meyer’s motherly wrath that he fled upstairs into Kenji's room and hid inside the tepee.
Kenji's mom went to the neighbors and had a long talk, which sorted a few things out and made a few things terribly difficult. The police would not be called but Spencer was told that he wasn’t allowed to play with Jonathan anymore. He was told that on Halloween and Kenji came home from school to find a complete wretched blonde curled up inside the toy tent. It wasn’t just that he was no longer allowed to play with the kid but that he didn’t understand why.
Mrs. Meyer’s had called him names that had him in despair and it pained Kenji to see him like that. It was hard to explain to him that normally adults only played with children in appropriate places with appropriate authority under appropriate time schedules and not alone in the garden and certainly not in a sort of fetish kind of way.
Kenji smiled softly when Spencer moved in his arms and he waited for the breezed gasp, which made his lips tremble for a moment. The younger man shivered in relief knowing that the day was long passed, though a few things still amused him.
Fetish had been quite difficult to explain, especially on Halloween and with the tremendously stupid idea to distract him by going to Zane's party.
Zane's night of the living dead - as the invitation stated.
Once Spencer had stopped crying and weakly accepted the defeat without ever truly understanding why Mrs. Meyer obviously hated him so much, Kenji tried to convince him to go the party. It still made Kenji often blush ashamedly because he simply wanted to go. He was curious since Zane had mentioned Ty's new boyfriend but he couldn’t very well tell Spencer that. It wasn’t so much that he still felt something for Ty but more of a territorial curiosity.
By then they were high school seniors and Kenji should have known better than to bring Spencer to a Halloween party created by high school kids. It must have been quite a culture shock, Kenji thought ruefully, knowing that it had been solely his fault. Around that time he had been convinced that everything was fine. He had spent so much time with Spencer that he could barely see the discrepancies anymore.
It was loud, obscene, childish and the costumes downright slutty. That alone hadn’t been the problem but a highly dangerous but sweet tasting strawberry bowl. For someone who had been basically fed drugs from the cradle, Spencer, as it turned out, was not good with alcohol and if Kenji hadn’t been so eagerly involved in gossiping about Ty's new lover with one of his classmates he could have prevented Spencer from drinking any.
Luckily enough he caught him early enough to prevent him from complete drunkenness but the blonde was rather agitated. He was sweating and rambling way too hastily, which had Kenji concerned and furious with some of his classmates who gave him the liquor. In order to calm him down Zane offered his room upstairs and since Spencer acted more amused and relaxed they kissed and joked around.
Of course the blonde was drawn in by the extensive movie collection and demanded to see one. Ever since Alien, Spencer was on the way to become the biggest movie nerd in the history of movies. He never watched any movie alone though, because he couldn’t always choose with whom he was introduced to in a broad spectrum. With Mrs. Miyagi he would watch old classic comedies, like ‘Some like it hot,’ and with Mr. Miyagi it often was a mild action movie.
Personally Spencer would almost always choose Science Fiction or Fantasy. It was what he liked most and Kenji still couldn’t believe how many times he had to watch ‘Legend.’ Kenji, himself found the movie okay but nothing more and the little fairy annoyed him but Spencer loved that movie. He adored it so much that he could quote the entire film.
What care I for human hearts? Soft and spiritless as porridge! A faerie's heart beats fierce and free!
How on earth the porn tape landed in the VCR would forever be a mystery to Kenji. Most likely because there was nothing on the back and due to curiosity Spencer had pushed it in, expecting a mind-blowing movie adventure and was instantly face to face with straight, loud, obscene porn. Thus alone might have been bad enough but the reason why it turned out to become a nightmare were not the pictures. The pictures seemed to amuse him even in the first minute.
It were the sounds that seemed to kick him in the stomach for he made a face, groaned and covered his ears, which instantly had Kenji on alert and he slid down to turn the TV off. It took Kenji a moment to realize that it wasn’t what had been on the screen but the sounds and he hastily rushed up to turn out the stereo. When the lewd moaning faded Spencer seemed devastated. He felt devastated for the sounds triggered memories long buried. Due the alcohol he wasn’t quick enough to push those memories aside and was forced to look into himself, recalling certain moments of abuse so clearly that it completely pushed him out of balance.
Moments like this are always to be expected, Dr. Hollister later on said to a pale-faced Kenji. He hadn’t been able to calm him down. For the first time in their relationship he had failed to help him mostly because Spencer reacted aggressively. He suddenly pulled away from him and wouldn’t allow Kenji to touch him. He snapped at him angrily in a rasping voice that made him sound like a wounded animal and wept alone with his arms wrapped around himself. He couldn’t explain to Kenji that he simply felt ashamed. That shame overwhelmed him so intensely that he even developed a fever, his body physically reacting to this inner pain and because he was refusing any sort of help Kenji had no other choice than to call the clinic.
By that time the music had stopped and a row of people had gathered outside while Zane tried to support Kenji in helping Spencer, which at that point seemed impossible. Zane actually sincerely believed in that moment that the blonde would never snap out of it. He had crawled into the far corner of his room and protectively shielded himself with his arms, his head resting on his knees. He was hiding from them in a way that it looked like he was trying to chant like good ol’ Dorothy in the wizard of Oz. If it hadn’t been so depressingly serious Zane might have expected Spencer to be jumping up, saying ‘There is no place like home,’ followed by a ‘Happy Halloween, got you!’ but this wasn’t a Halloween prank.
Kenji brushed softly over Spencer’s cheeks with his lips and cuddled him fondly with his nose. He needed to do that every time he thought back on that day. It had taught him a valuable lesson to never lose focus. It was his duty, his task to be there for him whenever he needed him. Spencer’s task seemed so much more difficult than his, he would often think and partly forget that he still had a life as well.
It didn’t matter anyway for Kenji lived and breathed for Spencer and didn’t care about much else. Well, maybe except for writing. He wouldn’t call himself a writer but he had become quite talented in writing about Spencer and for Spencer. Kenji saw it as a hobby unlike Spencer, who seemed eager to push him further in that direction mostly because he simply could picture Kenji as a writer, which eventually led to the discussion of what Spencer would like to be one day.
It surprised Kenji more that he was startled by the answer than the answer itself. Of course, naturally Spencer wanted to be an actor. It was something he revealed a couple of weeks after Halloween. Fortunately the blonde had recovered only days later but had to spent almost two days in isolation, his body numbed by medication. Post-traumatic stress with delay, Dr. Hollister explained. He was, however impressed how fast the patient went back to his former self. It seemed dangerously easy for Spencer to push aside all sort of negative thinking. The reason was mostly Kenji. No, it seemed that it was always Kenji. The reason for getting better and the wanting to learn was all because he wanted to be with Kenji.
Whether it was good or not, no one knew. Only the future would tell. Kenji watched him silently and smiled affectively when he remembered Spencer’s casual plan to become an actor one day. He had even spoken with a slight cockiness in this voice and said that he preferred stage to film, though that had slightly changed by now. It wouldn’t even surprise Kenji if that would somehow come true for Spencer had the ability to always surprise the people around him.
Kenji kissed his neck and closed his eyes for a brief moment to soak in his scent. He felt him moving in his arms and gave him enough room to turn around. His eyes looked tired but somewhat enchanted due the fact that Kenji was awake. In a still sleep drunken mind he almost purred when Kenji caressed his cheek and played fondly with a blonde strain of hair.
“What are you doing?” Spencer whispered.
“Waking you up,” Kenji answered with a grin and winked at him.
“Why?”
“Because I want you to be with me.”
“What are we going to do?”
“I don’t know,” Kenji said softly and smiled, amused. In moments like this he would swear that Spencer was playing with him.
“That’s not a very good plan, Kenji,” Spencer admonished and raised his index finger, tipping it tenderly against Kenji’s lips, saying in all seriousness, “You always have to have a plan.”
“Do I? Well, what about you? Do you always have a plan when you wake me up?”
“Absolutely. A well thought out plan,” Spencer firmly stated and supported it with a nod.
“You remember two weeks ago? When I had that giant essay to write and prepare for a test the other day and hadn’t slept in a while?”
Spencer blushed by those words as he always blushed when he felt ashamed for interfering with Kenji’s life so much. Kenji had tried it with friendly asking and later on actually had been a bit angry due the stress. Spencer remembered well and nodded, “Yes, I do.”
“What was your plan?”
“To apologize.”
“For what?”
“For being so annoying and not letting you sleep enough,” Spencer said almost proudly and Kenji couldn’t help but chuckle.
“That’s why you woke me up at three A.M in the morning?”
“Yes. What’s so funny?”
“Forget it,” Kenji laughed and waved up, “You’re right, Spencer. One should always have a plan.”
“So, what’s yours?”
Sometimes Kenji thought he could hear a certain sarcastic tone or maybe a melody of soft irony in moments like that. It was as if he had successfully made his move and Kenji felt strangely checkmate.
“I wanted to talk to you,” Kenji answered honestly and felt a soft rush going through his body when Spencer started to casually trail his finger around his chest.
“About what?”
“I don’t know. Just talk,” the younger man shrugged and Spencer kept painting his emotions in circles on to Kenji’s skin.
“I forgot my dream,” Spencer suddenly breezed ruefully. Apparently he had accepted the plan and went with it, Kenji thought a bit amused and slightly sorry because Spencer seemed truly sad that he had forgotten his dream.
“Do you remember if it was a nice dream?”
“I think so. Otherwise I wouldn’t be sad because I’ve forgotten it, would I?” Spencer asked with a cocked eyebrow and Kenji found it so adorable that he had to lean in to kiss him softly.
“Of course you’re right. I’m sorry,” he hushed an apology and kept so close to him that their lips almost touched.
“You’re warm,” Spencer suddenly croaked gaspingly and let his palm caress over Kenji’s chest and waist.
“You can say that,” Kenji giggled and reached out for his face, resting his palm shortly on his cheeks before softly sliding it down. His fingertips nuzzled over his shoulders and he noticed the visible shudder that went through the skinny body. It was followed by a beautiful smile and slightly shy laughter.
The touch made him move and he pressed a little closer to Kenji, searching, even in his dreams for more closeness. He smelled good; Kenji thought dreamingly and kissed the pale cheek fondly. Sometimes he wondered why he felt so affected by him and in moments like this he might go with Zane's belief regarding a chemical reaction, though his best friend only recently came to that conclusion, right after Trish dumped him. Currently he had his eyes on a girl named Monika but still widely promoted the idea that love only exists in molecules.
Maybe some of it is true, Kenji thought and caressed along Spencer's temple as if painting some of his feelings onto the skin. It was over a year since that first thanksgiving that Spencer spent with his family. By now the blonde had become almost a family member. Kenji was proud of his family and immensely grateful, they took Spencer in and the result was more than uplifting. Only his father often gave them a hard time. Though, for some strange reasons it seemed to affect him rather positively since Spencer was trying very hard to impress Mr. Miyagi. Every smile he received he took gratefully.
Granted not everything had been perfectly great and Kenji thought of a few incidents while he kept on softly caressing him in his sleep. It was definitely rare to have the chance for watching him sleep because the blonde barely ever slept. Surely it hadn’t been easy to adjust to the highly unusual hours but Kenji nonetheless did. He did a lot more in those past months than that.
It had been his mom who one day suggested inviting Spencer to her group. She was teaching a course for the community children in which the kids were basically told how to act in certain situations such as an emergency. The course did a lot more than that and she figured that in this different environment it might help him to learn. Eager to learn Spencer agreed, though with a reluctance that only Kenji noticed. Kenji was the one who talked to Lawrence Trainour and asked for the permission to pick up Spencer every Thursday.
After Spencer went about two times Kenji made another request and from that day on Spencer was allowed to spend the weekends at Kenji's place. Everybody agreed that in order to prepare, it would be best if Spencer gained more perception by living with a normal family. It is safe to say that the blonde had quite a profound affect on the family.
It had never been easy and the problems started with the soccer match, not so much because of the sport but because of Ty, who showed up with a fake smile and gave Kenji a hug. By now Kenji knew a whole lot more about Spencer's problems but back then it bewildered him to see him aggressive for the first time. He wasn’t violently aggressive but had huge problems in dealing with jealousy.
The reason for that was quite simple. Spencer had never been jealous before and the emotion hit him unprepared. The only few times where he felt something similar was always when he was with Kenji. Dr. Hollister explained later that Spencer was raised and kept so tightly cut out from life that there had never been reason to be jealous. He had been around both parents long enough to accept not being the only one in his mother’s life and she had always been so fixated on him that he never had to fear competition.
This of course was entirely different with Kenji. At first it seemed impossible to make him even articulate what it was that was making him so angry and when he finally confessed that he didn’t like Ty, it became evident in his struggle to explain himself, that he was jealous. Kenji was surprised because he had never given him reason to doubt his faithfulness, besides it was obvious even to the people who barely knew Kenji that he was in love with Spencer.
The reason why Spencer continued to see his psychiatrist was also easy. He wanted to get better. With two sessions a week they started slow. Trainour Senior was impressed by this improvement and the fact that his grandson made that choice by himself. He talked to Dr. Hollister and suggested that Kenji should be informed about those sessions. It was an unusual choice and the expert talked to both of them. In the end Spencer gave his agreement that unless he would state it orally within the session that he’d like to keep this between him and his doctor, Dr. Hollister was allowed to share most of the content with Kenji.
Hollister wasn’t too happy in the beginning because he, as well as a lot of people around the couple, sincerely doubted the bond between them. He found Kenji too young to be involved in this highly sensitive subject and raised concern because in his mind Spencer was already depending on Kenji too much. There were a lot of disorders mentioned, diagnosed, changed and dismissed but he was sure about two: Separation Anxiety Disorder and unfortunately Dependent Personality Disorder.
Spencer's biggest fear was to be abandoned and it was evident in every one of his improvements. Dr. Hollister worried that Spencer might be doing all of this solely for Kenji in order to live with him and he feared that it was the wrong reason. After one session he had called Kenji into his office and asked him a rather personal question regarding their intimate life, which had Kenji blush and stuttering that he found it a bit too personal. Surprisingly enough Hollister smiled mildly and said he understood but he was wondering if maybe the patient felt pressured. He came to that conclusion because Spencer casually mentioned that he hoped to be the right one for Kenji and that he feared he was not making him happy.
It felt strange to Kenji to assure the psychiatrist that there seemed to be no problem in that area. Which wasn’t exactly true, either. There was a certain anxiety that often lay in Spencer's touches and he always seemed insecure, much unlike his behaviour in the tree house. Neither Kenji nor Hollister knew that the blonde was simply struggling with an awakening yearn for closeness.
For Spencer those months had been hard. He needed to adjust to so much and sometimes it felt difficult. If Kenji had been able to read his mind he would have noticed that Spencer had become curious and it pushed him out of balance because usually he had dreaded all things sexual. Since everything was different with Kenji, that changed but he had never learned how to deal with those sorts of feelings.
Dr. Hollister often talked about the mother and despite how much Kenji disliked her by now he was actually grateful to hear a few things from a different view. Things, Spencer mostly liked to be untold. It made a few things clear and added a few more questions as well. Fact was that the father, as Hollister told Kenji one day, left because he was disturbed by the affection they shared. Though knowing that the mother was in the wrong, he had been too weak and too scared by everything that he simply left the family. It was Spencer's father who talked to Dr. Hollister shortly after the discovery of the pregnancy. It was his father who gave a clearer picture on the abuse and unconsciously an explanation for the boy’s utter compliance.
“They shared a very small world,” Hollister explained and added, “A world hidden from the outside and it went on for years. A few things I gathered from his father but most of is still locked up inside him.”
“He still loves her,” Kenji said with his eyes lifted on the dark haired doctor as if he expected an explanation.
“She had quite an impact on the world.’
“Did you know her?”
“Oh, yes. Everybody knows the Trainour girl in my profession. I’ve only met her once in person but I can honestly say I will never forget her. She went through so many specialists and was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder when she was ten, I think.”
Kenji stayed quiet and refrained from letting out his anger because she obviously had never been fit to take care of a child and yet the family never interfered.
“She was rich, spoiled and a beautiful girl. Even during her high times of using drugs she never lost her beauty. Mr. Trainour himself once said that she is one of those girls who will be on drugs all her life but always look like a prom queen. She had been aware of her amenities and used them against everybody. Her mental state rapidly worsened when the boy was born. According to concerning colleagues, who noted it in the files, she instantly took control over her son in mind, soul and body.”
“How could the father leave? Or rather why didn’t he leave earlier?”
“Because he was a young man in love with a beautiful girl. It sounds like fairy tale. They’d been living in the big house in the beginning and later in the treehouse with no worries whatsoever and at first they functioned as a perfect family. They both agreed to raise him differently. It had not bothered the father to have sex with his wife when the boy was in the room because it was all so natural. Which in a way might be truth but evidently the mother soon started to project more and more of her longings into her son, who she always called her soul mate.
She excused most of her behaviour by making a point of being a good mother. She claimed that by simply helping the boy to develop she was doing a good thing. For the most part the father believed it as well. He had a very close relationship to his son in the beginning but it changed when she started to pull the child closer to her and out of his influence, which due her many strange ways worked quickly. Don’t get me wrong if I say this but a part of her parenting had been truly wonderful.”
“Wonderful?”
“Yes. She always taught him things in playful games and she used to make him the sole centre of her attention, though at the time using emotional blackmail to maintain that status. The father became disturbed when he more than once watched her persuading the boy to touch her inappropriately, saying or rather stating matter of factly that she was only teaching him to become a good lover. By that time, I’m afraid it was already too late. I don’t know if you can imagine how devastating it is for a young mind to have the one person of trust change in that way. When a loving mother becomes a wanting woman it in almost all cases a life shattering experience.
She demanded his attention in exchange for giving him love, care and safety. He never had a choice and since his father unfortunately reacted more disturbed than helpful he was pretty much alone in this mess. His father told me that when Spencer would show reluctance or discomfort she would not yell at him but cry. She would tell him that he didn’t love her enough or sometimes shun him to show her disappointment. By taking away the usual fondness she most likely damaged him most. He didn’t want to disappoint her or make her angry and was utterly frightened of that coldness she threatened him with that he completely gave into her. That sort of devotion tore him apart and separated child and lover. Not just in his mind but in hers as well. I believe that by the time the father left she already wanted him gone. She mostly wanted to be alone and in complete isolation because I sincerely believe that she knew it was morally wrong. However once the boundary is broken she kept making him the caring husband that she needed to be loved by. They both share similar disorders and there are theories that some of them might even be inherited. Clever scientists even claim that the incest was bound to happen, though I don’t share that theory.”
“I still can’t believe this happened and no one noticed,” Kenji hushed quietly in discomfort because it still unnerved him to picture Spencer in that position. He couldn’t care less about theories and he didn’t like the way Hollister explained all of it, with such a calm voice and that slight hint of fascination. Nothing about this was fascinating, he thought but kept quiet.
“Oh, well the Trainour’s are a big, wealthy and well known family. She had always caused problems but with the child she seemed satisfied. She never attempted to adjust him to society. Even when she took him out on rare occasions she only showed him her world. As far as I known she got arrested at least twice and because she feared to lose the son she simply stayed home. You’ve been to the house, it’s a huge house and life went on with her out of the picture.
Trainour’s senior biggest mistake was to keep it low profile after he separated Spencer from his mother. He should have interfered when the husband left. Spencer’s father even told him why. He surely did the wrong thing by leaving him with her but I can partly feel compassion since he was also struggling with addiction and had been ripped of his social life for a couple of years. When his wife started to seek out more intimacy with her son he reacted with a dreadful jealousy. He said once that he couldn’t bear looking at Spencer and that’s why he had to leave.”
Hollister paused and took a deep breath. It felt strange to tell this saddening story to such a young man. No matter how many papers were being written regarding incest there would never be an understanding. At least not in the western part of the world and especially not in a case where it was clearly a forced intimacy.
“The problem with incest in such a case is the affection between the family. Interesting enough it’s always harder when it’s the mother who is the abuser. It isn’t even a phenomenon and happens quite often but it’s rarely ever discussed. In most of those cases it never comes out. It’s hidden behind thick doors and when your doors are as thick as the Trainour’s it stays hidden. You see, in case of mother abuse people often tend to a softer tone. They often search for excuses and are more likely to forgive. Lawrence Trainour couldn’t believe that his daughter would do such a thing and even went with the father’s emotions by blaming a lot of it on the boy.
After all it is the man who gains pleasure by sexual intercourse. It also increased the guilt and shame factor and therefore they tried to keep it quiet. Trainour truly believed that with a simple teacher and a little help Spencer would become a normal boy in a matter of weeks because he had not even begun to understand what had happened right under his nose. That of course didn’t work because neither gave an explanation or even tried to find out more about this relationship. Quite the opposite he was looked at with accusing eyes that made him feel more shame and forced him to distance himself more from the world. It is not surprising that he pushed aside the negative thoughts regarding his mother because being confronted with the harshness of the Trainour’s and all those immense expectations he’d wished himself back into that small world. An easier world if you will. Where there was only his mother and him.
Now he has you, Kenji and now you’ve become that one person he holds on to.”
Kenji shifted in his seat and wiped his palms over his jeans before he said, “And I guess you want to lecture me on how wrong that is?”
“I don’t know,’ Dr. Hollister admitted, “He seems to be doing well.”
“He is doing well. He’s very smart.”
“On the contrary, he’s not only very smart but regarding his IQ in general, basic testing he’s a genius, which is why it’s absolutely not understandable that he can’t read.”
Kenji stayed quiet because he had made a promise and he couldn’t help being amused by this confusion. Dr. Hollister might know a lot about Spencer’s mom and the reasons as to why things had turned out like that but he didn’t know Spencer very well. It was something Kenji claimed for himself. He knew Spencer. He was absolutely certain of that even though when sometimes things baffled him. Maybe that was part of it, the way Spencer sometimes tried to copy him during the day or the way the blonde tried to impress his dad, or those very intense emotions, all of that sometimes threw him off balance. It was scary sometimes and he hated nothing more when he couldn’t help him. It always broke his heart.
Halloween was a disaster, Kenji thought pushing aside Dr. Hollister’s words to focus more on Spencer. He hushed another kiss into the blonde hair and almost shook his head by the memory. Halloween was not a disaster due the horror content or scary costumes or stomach pain because of too much candy, as Mrs. Miyagi had feared at some point because Spencer truly enjoyed sweets. He was actually so obsessed that half way through a bucket he got slightly sick. It made Kenji laugh to notice that despite obvious health issues the blonde only reluctantly stopped and was then overwhelmed by a sugar rush. That happened in between the perfect beginning and a horrible ending.
The day started perfectly romantic. In Kenji's mind it counted as one of the sweetest moments between them. Unlike what he had told Dr. Hollister their sex life was something rather strange because it constantly reeled back and forth between reluctance and want. Kenji had come to learn to wait for Spencer to make the first move because the blonde felt more relaxed and when Kenji showed too much agitation he sort of backed out. It was therefore quite enjoyable to be awakened by an eager Spencer who seemed to have become obsessed with kissing over night.
He hadn’t even waited for Kenji to fully wake up when he started to kiss him so intensely that Kenji partly thought he was still in a sort of dream. There is no way in telling how long they made out but they both were breathless afterwards and their faces were blushing with a post-orgasmic glow. The entire time Spencer had laid on top of him and shifted with the intensity of the kiss. Granted, due the thin fabric of the night clothing they shared an intense body contact and yet all they did was kiss. Occasionally the sensitive parts would graze each other in a soft thrust, not nearly as heavily as they were breathing.
It was something that certainly had never happened to Kenji. He rarely ever had even a wet dream and always believed to be a more physical person. As it turned out with Spencer a little bit of closeness, a bit of shifting and some widely tongue battling seemed enough to push him over the edge. That revelation had Kenji beaming the entire day, much to the dislike of his father who started to worry about those sleeping arrangements and felt estranged to notice that glow on Spencer's face as well. He curled his lips and shook his head before returning to the newspaper, ignoring the soft chuckling of the young men.
Mrs. Miyagi had made pancakes with funny ghost faces that naturally affected Spencer and made him smile so enchantingly that Kenji's mom blushed with pride. Well, life isn’t easy but making him smile is, Kenji thought as he remembered the start of the day and for a brief moment buried his face onto the sleeping blonde’s neck.
After breakfast Kenji had to go to school and Spencer stayed home with his mom. During the days when he didn’t have to learn anything and wasn’t watching a movie, which had become quite an obsession ever since Alien, Spencer often stayed outside in the garden. Nobody had even noticed that he befriended Jonathan Meyers from next door, a wooden fence with lots of holes and therefore a free view separated the two gardens.
Jonathan was a ten-year-old boy suffering from an aggressive from of cancer and therefore stayed home. One day Spencer mentioned him and told Kenji that they played together. The younger man wasn’t bothered since he knew that Spencer was absolutely wonderful with kids and it never occurred to him that some people might see that differently. One of those people was Mrs. Meyer, Jonathan’s mother who came home early that Halloween day only to find her son tied up to a tree and a very strange blonde teenager yelling at him.
Despite the urgency with which Jonathan tried to explain to his mother that it was simply part of the game he didn’t get through to her. She screamed in a raging voice, freed her son and still screamed as she walked back into the house threatening to call the police. Spencer was so shocked that he had trouble explaining to Mrs. Miyagi what had happened and he didn’t understand it. He was worried about Jonathan, his friend, as he explained and so utterly shaken up by Mrs. Meyer’s motherly wrath that he fled upstairs into Kenji's room and hid inside the tepee.
Kenji's mom went to the neighbors and had a long talk, which sorted a few things out and made a few things terribly difficult. The police would not be called but Spencer was told that he wasn’t allowed to play with Jonathan anymore. He was told that on Halloween and Kenji came home from school to find a complete wretched blonde curled up inside the toy tent. It wasn’t just that he was no longer allowed to play with the kid but that he didn’t understand why.
Mrs. Meyer’s had called him names that had him in despair and it pained Kenji to see him like that. It was hard to explain to him that normally adults only played with children in appropriate places with appropriate authority under appropriate time schedules and not alone in the garden and certainly not in a sort of fetish kind of way.
Kenji smiled softly when Spencer moved in his arms and he waited for the breezed gasp, which made his lips tremble for a moment. The younger man shivered in relief knowing that the day was long passed, though a few things still amused him.
Fetish had been quite difficult to explain, especially on Halloween and with the tremendously stupid idea to distract him by going to Zane's party.
Zane's night of the living dead - as the invitation stated.
Once Spencer had stopped crying and weakly accepted the defeat without ever truly understanding why Mrs. Meyer obviously hated him so much, Kenji tried to convince him to go the party. It still made Kenji often blush ashamedly because he simply wanted to go. He was curious since Zane had mentioned Ty's new boyfriend but he couldn’t very well tell Spencer that. It wasn’t so much that he still felt something for Ty but more of a territorial curiosity.
By then they were high school seniors and Kenji should have known better than to bring Spencer to a Halloween party created by high school kids. It must have been quite a culture shock, Kenji thought ruefully, knowing that it had been solely his fault. Around that time he had been convinced that everything was fine. He had spent so much time with Spencer that he could barely see the discrepancies anymore.
It was loud, obscene, childish and the costumes downright slutty. That alone hadn’t been the problem but a highly dangerous but sweet tasting strawberry bowl. For someone who had been basically fed drugs from the cradle, Spencer, as it turned out, was not good with alcohol and if Kenji hadn’t been so eagerly involved in gossiping about Ty's new lover with one of his classmates he could have prevented Spencer from drinking any.
Luckily enough he caught him early enough to prevent him from complete drunkenness but the blonde was rather agitated. He was sweating and rambling way too hastily, which had Kenji concerned and furious with some of his classmates who gave him the liquor. In order to calm him down Zane offered his room upstairs and since Spencer acted more amused and relaxed they kissed and joked around.
Of course the blonde was drawn in by the extensive movie collection and demanded to see one. Ever since Alien, Spencer was on the way to become the biggest movie nerd in the history of movies. He never watched any movie alone though, because he couldn’t always choose with whom he was introduced to in a broad spectrum. With Mrs. Miyagi he would watch old classic comedies, like ‘Some like it hot,’ and with Mr. Miyagi it often was a mild action movie.
Personally Spencer would almost always choose Science Fiction or Fantasy. It was what he liked most and Kenji still couldn’t believe how many times he had to watch ‘Legend.’ Kenji, himself found the movie okay but nothing more and the little fairy annoyed him but Spencer loved that movie. He adored it so much that he could quote the entire film.
What care I for human hearts? Soft and spiritless as porridge! A faerie's heart beats fierce and free!
How on earth the porn tape landed in the VCR would forever be a mystery to Kenji. Most likely because there was nothing on the back and due to curiosity Spencer had pushed it in, expecting a mind-blowing movie adventure and was instantly face to face with straight, loud, obscene porn. Thus alone might have been bad enough but the reason why it turned out to become a nightmare were not the pictures. The pictures seemed to amuse him even in the first minute.
It were the sounds that seemed to kick him in the stomach for he made a face, groaned and covered his ears, which instantly had Kenji on alert and he slid down to turn the TV off. It took Kenji a moment to realize that it wasn’t what had been on the screen but the sounds and he hastily rushed up to turn out the stereo. When the lewd moaning faded Spencer seemed devastated. He felt devastated for the sounds triggered memories long buried. Due the alcohol he wasn’t quick enough to push those memories aside and was forced to look into himself, recalling certain moments of abuse so clearly that it completely pushed him out of balance.
Moments like this are always to be expected, Dr. Hollister later on said to a pale-faced Kenji. He hadn’t been able to calm him down. For the first time in their relationship he had failed to help him mostly because Spencer reacted aggressively. He suddenly pulled away from him and wouldn’t allow Kenji to touch him. He snapped at him angrily in a rasping voice that made him sound like a wounded animal and wept alone with his arms wrapped around himself. He couldn’t explain to Kenji that he simply felt ashamed. That shame overwhelmed him so intensely that he even developed a fever, his body physically reacting to this inner pain and because he was refusing any sort of help Kenji had no other choice than to call the clinic.
By that time the music had stopped and a row of people had gathered outside while Zane tried to support Kenji in helping Spencer, which at that point seemed impossible. Zane actually sincerely believed in that moment that the blonde would never snap out of it. He had crawled into the far corner of his room and protectively shielded himself with his arms, his head resting on his knees. He was hiding from them in a way that it looked like he was trying to chant like good ol’ Dorothy in the wizard of Oz. If it hadn’t been so depressingly serious Zane might have expected Spencer to be jumping up, saying ‘There is no place like home,’ followed by a ‘Happy Halloween, got you!’ but this wasn’t a Halloween prank.
Kenji brushed softly over Spencer’s cheeks with his lips and cuddled him fondly with his nose. He needed to do that every time he thought back on that day. It had taught him a valuable lesson to never lose focus. It was his duty, his task to be there for him whenever he needed him. Spencer’s task seemed so much more difficult than his, he would often think and partly forget that he still had a life as well.
It didn’t matter anyway for Kenji lived and breathed for Spencer and didn’t care about much else. Well, maybe except for writing. He wouldn’t call himself a writer but he had become quite talented in writing about Spencer and for Spencer. Kenji saw it as a hobby unlike Spencer, who seemed eager to push him further in that direction mostly because he simply could picture Kenji as a writer, which eventually led to the discussion of what Spencer would like to be one day.
It surprised Kenji more that he was startled by the answer than the answer itself. Of course, naturally Spencer wanted to be an actor. It was something he revealed a couple of weeks after Halloween. Fortunately the blonde had recovered only days later but had to spent almost two days in isolation, his body numbed by medication. Post-traumatic stress with delay, Dr. Hollister explained. He was, however impressed how fast the patient went back to his former self. It seemed dangerously easy for Spencer to push aside all sort of negative thinking. The reason was mostly Kenji. No, it seemed that it was always Kenji. The reason for getting better and the wanting to learn was all because he wanted to be with Kenji.
Whether it was good or not, no one knew. Only the future would tell. Kenji watched him silently and smiled affectively when he remembered Spencer’s casual plan to become an actor one day. He had even spoken with a slight cockiness in this voice and said that he preferred stage to film, though that had slightly changed by now. It wouldn’t even surprise Kenji if that would somehow come true for Spencer had the ability to always surprise the people around him.
Kenji kissed his neck and closed his eyes for a brief moment to soak in his scent. He felt him moving in his arms and gave him enough room to turn around. His eyes looked tired but somewhat enchanted due the fact that Kenji was awake. In a still sleep drunken mind he almost purred when Kenji caressed his cheek and played fondly with a blonde strain of hair.
“What are you doing?” Spencer whispered.
“Waking you up,” Kenji answered with a grin and winked at him.
“Why?”
“Because I want you to be with me.”
“What are we going to do?”
“I don’t know,” Kenji said softly and smiled, amused. In moments like this he would swear that Spencer was playing with him.
“That’s not a very good plan, Kenji,” Spencer admonished and raised his index finger, tipping it tenderly against Kenji’s lips, saying in all seriousness, “You always have to have a plan.”
“Do I? Well, what about you? Do you always have a plan when you wake me up?”
“Absolutely. A well thought out plan,” Spencer firmly stated and supported it with a nod.
“You remember two weeks ago? When I had that giant essay to write and prepare for a test the other day and hadn’t slept in a while?”
Spencer blushed by those words as he always blushed when he felt ashamed for interfering with Kenji’s life so much. Kenji had tried it with friendly asking and later on actually had been a bit angry due the stress. Spencer remembered well and nodded, “Yes, I do.”
“What was your plan?”
“To apologize.”
“For what?”
“For being so annoying and not letting you sleep enough,” Spencer said almost proudly and Kenji couldn’t help but chuckle.
“That’s why you woke me up at three A.M in the morning?”
“Yes. What’s so funny?”
“Forget it,” Kenji laughed and waved up, “You’re right, Spencer. One should always have a plan.”
“So, what’s yours?”
Sometimes Kenji thought he could hear a certain sarcastic tone or maybe a melody of soft irony in moments like that. It was as if he had successfully made his move and Kenji felt strangely checkmate.
“I wanted to talk to you,” Kenji answered honestly and felt a soft rush going through his body when Spencer started to casually trail his finger around his chest.
“About what?”
“I don’t know. Just talk,” the younger man shrugged and Spencer kept painting his emotions in circles on to Kenji’s skin.
“I forgot my dream,” Spencer suddenly breezed ruefully. Apparently he had accepted the plan and went with it, Kenji thought a bit amused and slightly sorry because Spencer seemed truly sad that he had forgotten his dream.
“Do you remember if it was a nice dream?”
“I think so. Otherwise I wouldn’t be sad because I’ve forgotten it, would I?” Spencer asked with a cocked eyebrow and Kenji found it so adorable that he had to lean in to kiss him softly.
“Of course you’re right. I’m sorry,” he hushed an apology and kept so close to him that their lips almost touched.
“You’re warm,” Spencer suddenly croaked gaspingly and let his palm caress over Kenji’s chest and waist.
“You can say that,” Kenji giggled and reached out for his face, resting his palm shortly on his cheeks before softly sliding it down. His fingertips nuzzled over his shoulders and he noticed the visible shudder that went through the skinny body. It was followed by a beautiful smile and slightly shy laughter.