Dealing With Spencer-Chapter One
Author's Note: I have about twenty or so (and still counting) chapters on this so bare with me while I get them posted. :))
Chapter One
Once upon a time…Fairytales always start the same way, but this is not a fairytale at all. But remember "Little Red Riding Hood? It’s very horrible story. Because it’s real, it’s every day life. There are those who are innocent and the world hates them and hurts them every day.
"Kenji, let’s play!" Spencer said with a broad smile.
Kenji let out an exasperated sigh and rolled his eyes, saying, "Please, Spencer, can you sit still for one minute? I really have to work."
Two boys who were completely different; they couldn’t have been any less similar. Kenji was sixteen and did a bit of work at the nearby hospital for the mental ill. He worked to earn a bit of spending money, not to mention that having an after school job looked great on a college application. Three months ago, it had seemed like simple nurse job.
How hard could it be?
Life for Kenji had always been rather easy. He had a nice family and a large circle of friends he trusted; Kenji had a good sense of self worth and he knew what he wanted out of life. He knew where he wanted to be five years into the future-Kenji wanted to be a doctor, a surgeon to be exact-and he followed the path accordingly. Granted the thought of dealing with unconscious patients had seemed somewhat frightening in the beginning.
Kenji had been extremely nervous on his first day at the hospital because he’d never seen the inside of such an institution. Of course, he had checked out some books that focused on various mental disorders prior to starting his job; yet, everything Kenji read had been theory. The fact remained that Kenji hadn’t slept well the night before, and when he entered the white hospital corridors he had a gigantic knot in the pit of his stomach.
From mild depression to schizophrenia… Every possible disorder was treated at the institution. The hospital specialized in juveniles and children, many of them saved from abusive households. They were lost in the depths of their own minds, and Kenji could see it in the various pictures hanging on the walls all over the hospital. Some of the pictures were dark and disturbing; others were brighter and more hopeful. Some images practically captured the fears of each child, and Kenji was impressed.
In all honesty, the place gave him the creeps. He felt out of place, especially when he met Spencer for the first time. Kenji had just finished a rather lengthy tour of the hospital with the head nurse when a skinny blonde rounded the corner with a wooden broomstick in hand and fearsome war cry and almost knocked Kenji over in the process.
The head nurse noticed Kenji’s puzzled look and whispered, "Apparently this month is pirates. He just lives in his own world."
Kenji was completely amazed by the scene that unfolded in front of his eyes. Spencer was so completely sucked up in his own world of make-believe that he barely noticed Kenji’s presence. He was too busy rounding up some other patients and giving them roles as pirates and hostages. A few older kids sent the boy a piercing glare, but most of the younger kids happily followed One-Eyed Spencer as he waved his broomstick above his head and announced that he would free the princess at any cost.
Spencer paid no attention to some rather ruthless comments that were thrown his way; he took his mission seriously. He wore an eye patch and a red kerchief around his head. His eyes sparkled with excitement, and he looked so young Kenji was surprised when the nurse told him that Spencer the "Pirate" actually a year older than he.
"What’s his problem?" Kenji asked in a whisper, watching in utter astonishment as Spencer tied little nine-year-old Suzi to a chair, all the while telling her that should he receive the ransom money he would let her go. Then he turned to face his following of ferocious pirates, all of whom were less than twelve years old, save for Bobby Wilson.
Most of the older kids rolled their eyes and turned their attention to other things in an effort to waste time. Ironically, Spencer and his gang were the only patients who seemed to be enjoying themselves. But that all changed when a second nurse tapped Spencer's shoulder and called his name.
The pirate quickly faded away, leaving in its absence a very shy young boy with lowered eyes and hands stuffed tightly into his pockets. He seemed almost surprised that he was not really on an old ship, sailing across the ocean. Not only surprised, but sad as well. Spencer gazed nervously around the room, and Kenji thought the boy had a little difficulty trying to be himself.
A blush caressed the boy’s pale cheeks; he reached up, pulled off the eye-patch and quietly gave the nurse his full attention, and Kenji noticed the nervous shaking of the boy’s hands as he gave the nurse a shy smile and took the two pills she gave him. She watched him closely as he swallowed them and sipped on a small plastic cup of water.
"We have to make sure he takes his medication," the head nurse explained to Kenji and added, "He’s had some really bad days recently. At least the pills will help him create his own happiness."
"He’s very expressive," Kenji said distractedly, his eyes still fixed on Spencer.
The head nurse gave him a questioning glance and tilted her head slightly to the side before she said, "You know, we’re looking for someone to spend some extra time with him. This is a very busy place and Spencer needs a lot more attention than we can provide. You might just be the right person."
"I would love to try," Kenji answered honestly because he found the make-believe pirate very intriguing.
He gave Spencer a friendly smile when the nurse introduced them.
"Spencer, this is Kenji. He’s offered to spend some time with you," she said softly.
The blonde boy cocked his head to one side and gave Kenji a suspicious glance. "Is he nice?" he asked the nurse, and Kenji couldn’t help the grin that found its way onto his face.
"He’s very nice and I’m sure you boys will be having lots of fun. And Kenji can teach you how to read, so that you can read your book."
Kenji felt awkward for many reasons. For one thing, Spencer was older than Kenji by a couple years at least and it felt a bit strange to be teaching him how to read. Apparently Spencer had trouble putting the letters in their right order. The head nurse told Kenji that this was not a physical condition but a block in the young patient’s mind. All of their previous attempts to teach Spencer to read had failed thus far.
So far the hospital hadn’t been able to diagnose Spencer with a specific disorder. There were moments where he appeared to be normal , times when he truly acted his age. However, those moments were rare and Spencer usually lived inside his head. Every so often, his mind drifted off to his own fantasy world. He made up places, characters and plotlines in his head and always played out the story to its ending.
Spencer’s most dangerous problem was his inability to keep his temper in check, and he’d suffered a few accidents because of it. The hospital had no plausible explanation for it; Spencer’s mysterious condition was a riddle no one was able to solve, and his chances of ever being cured were slim to none. Neither Spencer nor his family had any money to pay for a treatment.
The doctors had some suspicions. They believed that the family itself was directly responsible for Spencer’s condition; however, since Spencer wasn’t exactly capable of revealing whatever had caused his retreat into his own mind, and his family wasn’t very interested in helping him, the hospital staff could only guess. They were quite certain that Spencer had been mistreated and abused in some kind of way, but it was impossible to coax him into opening up. He would only slide back into his fantasy world.
Kenji clearly heard Ty’s warnings echoing around inside his head, warnings about working with retards. Spencer had already caused quite a few arguments between Kenji and his friends. Most of the disputes could be attributed to Spencer’s method of connecting with people, a process which led Kenji to believe that he was doing something good for someone who deserved it.
When the nurses had finally left them alone for the first time, Spencer had eyed Kenji suspiciously before clearing his throat and politely asking, "Do you wanna be a pirate?"
"I don’t know," Kenji had replied with an amused smile.
Spencer had ignored his confusion and, firmly taking Kenji’s hand, he pulled the other boy down a long hallway to his room.
At first glance, the room seemed to fill Kenji with an aching sort of sadness. It was all Spencer had; in a way, the tiny room contained the boy’s entire life. Spencer liked to paint, Kenji realized, but it wasn’t really painting because most he ever did was fill each blank, white page with a variety of different colors. Kenji had let his gaze wander over the few scattered items placed carefully around the interior of the room. It was mostly childhood memorabilia…toys and stuffed animals, children’s books and various costume pieces. It was undoubtedly the room of a child, and yet a young adult gazed up at Kenji with sparkling brown eyes.
Spencer was obviously very proud of his possessions. He beamed with excitement and picked up a book, waving it eagerly in Kenji’s face, saying, "Fairytales! Do you like fairytales? Please, Kenji read me a fairytale."
Granted, it was a rather peculiar way to break the ice, but Kenji was overwhelmed by the boy’s infectious enthusiasm. He smiled and took the book, flipped through the pages and asked, "Why fairytales?"
It was the first time they’d been alone together, and it was the first time Kenji had witnessed the reality of Spencer’s short attention span. Spencer’s mind seemed to drift without warning. It usually happened when the boy felt unable to provide an explanation or was reluctant to do so. It seemed like Spencer had lost interest in whatever subject was being discussed; he glanced blankly at the wall and casually whispered, "Happy endings…they all have happy endings."
"Good point," Kenji had replied, earning himself an enchanting smile.
Over the next few weeks Kenji concluded that Ty was completely and utterly wrong. Spencer wasn’t dumb; in fact, he was far from stupid and Kenji could see it, especially when Spencer assumed one of the many characters he’d created in his mind. For one thing, Spencer never confused the timelines in his stories. He lived them out in a straight line, right up until the happy ending.
And there was always a happy ending. Spencer always insisted there be a happy ending; sometimes, when there wasn’t enough time left and the story ended with an impromptu cliffhanger, Spencer became extremely agitated.
Spencer believed implicitly in the reality of his characters and he hated to leave them alone. However, he wasn’t averse to taking a break here and there. For example, when Spencer had to stop for dinner, he always made sure to say to be continued. It allowed him to store a mental image of the scene. The scene, Spencer had once explained, had to be saved at exactly the right moment.
Kenji had been carefully trained so that he wouldn’t mess anything up, and Spencer had made sure of it.
Spencer also knew every corner of the spacious institution, he knew every nurse by name and he had a very keen sense of perception when it came to observing other people. Spencer always knew when Kenji was stressed from school and didn’t feel like playing. In all honesty, it amazed Kenji that Spencer was able to be completely still for hours and hours, thus allowing him to finish his homework. Spencer also reacted completely unexpectedly when Kenji had brought him a plastic sword, thinking that the toy would spice up the world of cutthroat pirates.
However, Spencer gave it one look and shrugged, curled his lip and said, "I don’t want to play that game anymore."
"But why?" Kenji asked him in confusion.
"Because the tale is over," Spencer replied, crossing his arms over his chest as if he was appalled that Kenji hadn’t known. Surprisingly enough, Kenji felt horrible for making such a mistake and promised to participate in anything Spencer wanted him to do. The blonde’s face shone with barely concealed excitement at those words.
"Fairytales, we are in a fairytale," Spencer cried in obvious excitement, and Kenji couldn’t shake the terrifying feeling that he was going to end up as a princess or a dwarf. But it didn’t matter, he thought with a soft smile in Spencer’s direction. And Spencer was already making up a new story.
However, much to his surprise, Spencer made Kenji the hero, an actual knight in shining armor. Not just any knight but a knight of noble kindness, Spencer told him in a nasally voice, always there to help the poor and the downtrodden. And Kenji slowly began to enjoy the time he spent with Spencer because it took his mind away from reality and allowed him live in a world where homework and responsibility didn’t matter.
Although Kenji never completely let himself go, he couldn’t deny the fun they had together. It was fun to be a child, sometimes, whether they were running through the corridors or turning the entire hospital garden into a medieval archery tournament. Spencer’s characters were always so full of life that it was hard not to get sucked into the stories. Even the hospital staff asked for spoilers, which Spencer happily provided. He was always extremely secretive about it, winking and saying, "I can’t say too much, but it’s going to be mind-blowing."
Still, there were things that irritated Kenji and they became harder to ignore the more time he spent with Spencer. It was obvious that Spencer sought out physical contact; every now and then, Spencer pulled Kenji into a casual embrace, and from time to time he even went so far as to brush a gentle kiss to Kenji's cheek.
At first, the affectionate gestures made Kenji nervous, but eventually he got used to such behavior.
Everybody noticed Spencer’s affection for Kenji and they welcomed it. Not only did Spencer work harder at learning to read, but most of his bad days were gone as well. He still had them, although they were few and far between. Kenji had witnessed a couple of them; he’d seen days when trivial things had turned Spencer into an emotional wreck.
During these episodes, Spencer wasn’t crazy or aggressive. Instead, he became rather quiet, crying silently to himself while attempting to hide any traces of his tears behind a blank mask. Nobody was able to reach him. Everyone who’d dare to do so only served to agitate him further.
Once, Kenji had witnessed one of Spencer’s breakdowns, and it had shocked him to see Spencer so lost and so hopeless. All the joy had vanished, leaving only a scared child in its absence. Usually, the nurses sedated him and put him to sleep for an hour or two, and when he woke up Spencer was normal again.
Sometimes, Kenji couldn’t help feeling that Spencer was truly that lost, wretched child.
Once, Kenji had asked Dr. Miller, Spencer’s psychiatrist, if there was a chance Spencer would ever be "normal" again.
Dr. Miller said that he didn’t know, that no one knew what would happen. It seemed unlikely, but strange things had happened. After all, Spencer suffered no apparent physical defects, and dozens of medical tests had suggested that Spencer was actually quite healthy. Still, his mind remained a mystery to everyone around him.
Because Kenji spent so much time at the hospital with Spencer, his relationship with Ty had ended somewhere along the way. After a few heated arguments and after Ty shouted some rather nasty comments aimed at Spencer, Kenji had called it off. He’d arrived at the hospital in a horribly grumpy mood; he was depressed and he was angry and those emotions put Kenji into a situation he’d never thought was possible.
For over an hour Spencer sat and watched Kenji in silence. Even so, Kenji could see Spencer out of the corner of his eye, and he knew that that the boy was growing nervous. When he turned to look at Spencer, Kenji noticed that blonde’s mind was drifting, his eyes staring out of the window. Kenji could practically see Spencer’s imagination working overtime.It won't be long, he thought. He wasn’t really sure if he was in the mood for playing. He barely had time to finish the thought because Spencer suddenly stood and approached him, whispering, "Kenji, come with me."
Kenji sighed and asked, "Where to, Spencer?"
"The end of the rainbow," Spencer said, waving his arms in triumph. "And we’ll find treasure!"
"What are we going to do with it?" Kenji asked, trying to concentrate on Spncer’s voice. The blonde narrowed his eyes and thought about the answer to that question, his mind obviously overflowing with possibilities. Finally, he looked up and smiled.
"We’re going to give it to the poor."
"Good answer, Spencer. So, we’re at rainbow’s end," Kenji said, standing up and pulling Spencer with him. "What now?"
Once again, Spencer shot him a look of disbelief. "Shovel, we need a shovel…for the treasure. How else are we going to find the gold?"
It was the seriousness with which he said, the sound of his voice that made Kenji smile. Lifting his arms in defense, self defense, Kenji said, "Of course. I should’ve known."
Spencer placed the palm of his hand on Kenji’s cheek and whispered, "Stupid Kenji."
It wasn’t the first time in the last few days that Kenji noticed a significant change in Spencer’s behavior. The search for close physical contact had become more obvious, and the gesture alarmed Kenji because Spencer was leaning so close to him that their lips were practically touching. Thoroughly uncomfortable, Kenji mumbled something under his breath and took a step backward.
It wasn’t appropriate; it bugged him that he actually felt his heartbeat increasing with every second. Every thought suddenly seemed wrong, completely wrong. He let out a gasp and said, "Well, I’m sorry. So, lets dig this gold out."
"Kenji?"
"Yes?" Kenji replied, his eyes fixed on Spencer’s face.
"Do you like me?"
"Of course I like you," Kenji said, trying desperately to focus on something other than Spencer’s questioning gaze. "We’re friends, remember?" He tried to ignore the sudden tension between them, but he felt like his feet were glued to the ground when the blonde boy leaned closer and pressed his trembling lips against Kenji’s.
Instinctively, Kenji pulled back, shaking his head, murmuring, "Hey, what the fuck?"Good Lord, Kenji thought when he realized that he was getting horribly excited over it; he turned around and tried to regain his composure, saying, "Let’s focus on the treasure, okay?"
It was sick, it was wrong, and Kenji knew he shouldn’t find it arousing. And yet, he couldn’t help feeling drawn to Spencer, even when he reminded himself that Spencer was sick. He had the mind of a child. Whatever this tension was, it shouldn’t have been sexual. He was here to take care of Spencer and to give him attention but surely not of that kind.
Kenji shivered when he felt Spencer approaching him, circling him until they were face to face. Then Spencer smiled, that goddamn naïve smile, and whispered out, "You are my friend."
And Kenji let Spencer kiss him, even though every pore inside his body told him that this was beyond wrong. It was weird in the beginning; Spencer seemed so shiftless and so eager almost simultaneously, pressing against Kenji and breathing into his mouth. The blonde’s entire body was trembling nervously, anxious. And by the time, his hand lifted the hem of Kenji’s shirt the younger man gave in.
God, he hadn’t done anything like that in weeks and Spencer’s persisting tongue made his head spin. Before his conscience could find another reason to stop him, Kenji wrapped his arms around Spencer’s waist and pushed him to the bed. Later, he couldn’t remember exactly how they managed to get naked. He was overwhelmed with desire. He kissed those eager lips over and over again, barely aware of the few soft giggles that escaped Spencer’s lips every now and then.
Kenji’s hands fondly caressed Spencer’s skin, softly at first, and then his prurience increased and his touches became firmer. His breathing increased and then he was on top of Spencer and everything seemed right. It was perfectly natural. Nothing was horribly different. But Kenji was so aroused it hurt. He kissed Spencer passionately, roughly as his hands roamed all over the trembling body, preparing him before he made Spencer his own. And then entering him with a moan.
His blood boiled and he panted heavily, his warm breath grazing over Spencer’s sweating skin. He longed for release, he wanted release, and he let out a deep groan when he came. Spencer was an adult; Spencer had initiated everything. However, when he lifted his head and stared into Spencer’s eyes, his blood ran cold.
Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw; Spencer’s eyes were closed, his lips pressed tightly together, and tears poured down his cheeks. It took Kenji quite awhile to coax the boy into opening his eyes. What happened?, Kenji wondered, stroking the tips of his fingers over Spencer’s wet cheeks.
"Hey…I’m sorry. Did I hurt you? Fuck, I’m really, really sorry, Spencer."
To his surprise, Spencer shrugged and wiped away his tears, murmuring, "Don’t be. It’s all good." His voice was completely emotionless.
It was completely confusing, and Kenji was suddenly painfully aware of the fact that they were both naked. Carefully he pulled the blanket up from the foot of the bed and covered Spencer’s trembling body, asking worriedly, "But why are you crying? Spencer, did you even like what we just did?"
As he’d feared, the blonde shook his head and said, "No."
It was a simple answer to a simple question, and it struck Kenji harder than anything he’d ever felt before. Hearing that Spencer hadn’t liked the sex was bad enough; but looking into the tear-filled eyes made Kenji feel physically ill. And he was sick of himself and horrified that he hadn’t thought to pay attention.
"But why didn’t you say anything?" Kenji asked, completely shocked.
The answer heightened the sick feeling in Kenji’s stomach; the answer made his head ache, because Spencer quietly said, "But we’re friends. That’s what friends do."
And finally, Kenji knew why Spencer behaved the way he did. Spencer’s obviously believed what he’d said. The boy strongly believed that in order to keep Kenji close to him, he needed to give up his body. Kenji finally understood that for as long as Spencer could remember, it was what people had always wanted from him.
Kenji shook his head in utter disbelief and caught Spencer’s face in his hands, whispering, "No, Spencer. That’s wrong. I don’t want to make you hurt. That’s not what "friends’ do to each other…"
It seemed to confuse Spencer even more. The boy brushed a trembling hand through his hair and gave Kenji a puzzled look, saying, "But…that…"
His voice broke and he stared up at the ceiling, unable to comprehend.
"Oh, man. Look…" Kenji slipped into his boxers and handed Spencer his clothes. "I’m really sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. You should have told me to stop. Jesus, I can’t believe I did that you. Who told you that this is what friends do? Spencer did somebody…" He couldn’t finish the sentence.
"Are you mad at me?" Spencer asked, and his eyes filled with tears. He felt like he’d done something wrong; he wondered if he should have moved more, if he should have touched Kenji more intimately…
"What? No, no…Spencer I’m not mad at you, you should be mad at me."
"But I like you. I want to make you feel good. I can do better. I promise I can do better. You just have to show me how you like it," Spencer sobbed, overwhelmed with confusion and the fear that Kenji would never come back to the hospital to spend time with him.
Kenji didn’t know what else to do, so he just pulled Spencer into his arms and cradled him gently, whispering, "You don’t have to do anything. Okay? Do you understand that?"
*
*
When Kenji woke up the next morning, he felt so completely wretched that he could barely force himself to get out of bed and go to the bathroom. What the fuck had he done? Never in his life had he thought that this would happen between Spencer and him. After what Spencer had said, Kenji was sure that Spencer had been sexually abused.
And yet, when he arrived at the hospital the next day, Spencer greeted Kenji like nothing had happened between them, as if everything was just the same as before. Kenji couldn’t bear it and when they were, alone he turned to Spencer and said, "Spencer, I want to talk about yesterday."
He had trouble getting Spencer to focus on him because the blonde was already making plans in how they would spend the treasure. When he finally looked at Kenji, he shrugged and said, "Do you want to do it again?"Shit, Kenji thought. He wasn’t trained to deal with things like this. How could he make Spencer understand? He shook his head and said, "Do you want that? Tell me the truth." Spencer stared at the wall, scratching the back of his hand with shaky fingers. Kenji could see that he was becoming even more nervous and jumpy, and he softly added, "I won’t be mad at you."
"No," Spencer said in an anguished whisper. "I don’t like it that much. But…I like when you kiss me. That’s different."
"Different from what?"
"Just different. I…I like being kissed. Nobody’s ever kissed me before."
So, that's chapter one...Tell me what you think?? :)
<3's Callie Joe