Dealing With Spencer-Chapter Eleven-Part Two
"Help me," Spencer croaked helplessly and rocked back and fourth, sobbing, "Get it out! Get it out!"
"Get what out?" Kenji asked, confused and shocked, trying desperately to calm him down. His eyes noticed the blood stains on his bare chest and he knew he needed to treat those wounds but Spencer was fighting so heavily that he couldn’t let go of the blonde’s wrists, "Dad, help! Dad!" Kenji screamed because he couldn’t do this alone.
His father rushed to his side, startled by the sight of the blonde but instinctively grabbed him from behind, yelling breathlessly, "What’s wrong with him?"
"I don’t know," Kenji replied in a panic driven voice, desperately trying to reach Spencer and asking him repeatedly what was wrong, receiving no answer but only helpless sounds.
Some of the neighbors stepped outside into the clear day to witness that strange moment. They watched as father and son struggled with the blonde boy, who was groaning and crying for it to stop.
"Do you need help?" One of them asked but Kenji's father snarled back, "No, it’s okay. We got him," unsure if that was explanation enough.
"Where is the blood coming from? Did he fall down?" His father asked, realizing how strong the blonde fought against his grip.
"No. I think he did it to himself," Kenji answered painfully and screamed loudly, "Spencer! Please, what’s wrong?"
His words were reaching the blonde but it took him a while until he found the breath to hiss, "It’s inside and it’s going to come out… I’m dying."
"You’re not dying," Kenji said and then suddenly was hit by a clearness that shocked him. His eyes fell through the open door and spotted the T.V. He connected the scenes from the movie with Spencer's fear and said, "Oh, shit," and as everything suddenly made horrible sense he found himself adding, "It’s just a movie. It’s just a movie. Do you understand that? It’s not real."
When Spencer told him about being agitated by movies he certainly hadn’t expected this. Though no expert he’d call it downright schizophrenic because obviously the blonde believed with all of his senses that an alien had nested in his chest. He was terrified and in panic, muttering constantly that he’d die and that it came out of him, referring to the character in the movie and helplessly tried to express that he was hurting so much because he could feel it.
The neighbors were still watching. They watched the blonde slowly calming down due to Kenji's words, his body rattled by heavy hiccups the tears were causing him. He wasn’t aware of the curious eyes staring at him with their jaws dropped and not aware of the panic painted on Kenji's father’s face. Everything was just one giant blur and the only thing that got through was Kenji's voice telling him that it was just a movie over and over again.
"It was an actor not a real person. It’s just a movie," Kenji hushed once more and Spencer suddenly sunk down in his arms, no longer fighting.
"What movie are you talking about?" his father asked, still in shock.
"Alien," Kenji sighed, wrapping his arms around Spencer’s rocking shoulders, holding them tightly while the blonde kept on weeping in despair.
Sweat pearls trailed from Kenji’s forehead and his heartbeat still pounded dangerously fast but Spencer was finally no longer trying to scratch his skin. Instead he lifted his suffused eyes and croaked, "I tried getting it out… but I couldn’t…"
"There is nothing inside you. Please, trust me. Believe me," Kenji pleaded and started to wipe away tears and blood attentively with the handed tissue of his father. Luckily Spencer hadn’t found anything sharp, he thought with a sickening feeling in his stomach. Overwhelmed and utterly shaken he kissed the blonde hair and repeated that everything will be all right over and over again. Then he carefully lifted him with the help of his dad and they pulled him inside the house.
"It doesn’t stop," Spencer wept bitterly, his hand clawing into Kenji’s shoulders like a drowning man while the younger man gestured his father to turn off the T.V.
"There is nothing inside you," Kenji assured again.
"I know," Spencer surprisingly said but added, "But the image isn’t stopping. I keep seeing it over and over again. I keep seeing the blood and hearing that sound…"
"Shhh, none of it was real. I’m sorry you saw that. But it didn’t really happen. It was just special effects. That guy isn’t dead. It was all make believe," Kenji hushed softly, embracing him and stroking over his back.
"I’m scared it’ll never stop… I don’t want to see it again. He made those sounds…"
"It’s just a movie," Kenji tried again but failed in sounding strong. His voice was more rasping mostly due the shock. He kept holding on to him for a while before he pushed him up with tender force to treat the wounds. The scratches looked worse than they were and weren’t deep. Nonetheless Spencer had done this to himself and the revelation shocked Kenji so deeply that he was deprived of words. He looked at his father and then shunned his eyes away because he had no explanation for this.
When the panic and shock faded Kenji just felt sorry. He felt so sorry for Spencer who suffered so intensely because of a stupid scene of a movie that it broke his heart. Even when the heavy sobs dampened to a quieter crying he could still feel the skinny body shivering in his arms. His shirt was wet with Spencer’s tears and there seemed to be no ending in sight.
"Oh, my god. What happened," Kenji’s mom gasped in disbelief and an overwhelming guilt for leaving the house, "Is he okay?"
"No, he’s not. He ripped his skin apart because of a movie so he’s certainly not okay. This is what I’m talking about. It needed both of us to keep him from harming himself further. This is too much," he spat out in a moment of despair.
"Dad," Kenji pleaded for his father to stop that. It was bad enough and he didn’t need his parents to play the I-told-you-so card. His father became quiet, instantly feeling sorry for his words but didn’t take them back.
Kenji’s mother watched as he was cradling a seventeen-year-old boy. They were both crying but Kenji much more out of shock than anything. He lifted his eyes at her and for a moment she was startled by that strength behind them when he said, "Mom, could you hand me Spencer’s backpack? It’s in my room."
His mother didn’t ask why but silently complied and returned with the luggage in her trembling hand. She watched Kenji as he reached into it and pulled out a teddy bear, tenderly handing it to the blonde who instantly grabbed it and pressed it tightly against him. She watched Spencer burying his face into the stuffed animal as if he soaked up strength from it.
He was still crying but the sobs had seethed and his tears were now running silently yet profusely over his face. Kenji then reached again into the backpack and fished out a pack of pills.
"Would you hand me a glass of water?" Kenji asked his mother and she nodded.
When he pushed the blonde up slightly and showed him the pills. Spencer shook his head, "No, no pills."
"They’ll help you calm down," Kenji urged softly.
"No,' Spencer cried, tilting his head to the side in a plead because he didn’t want to take them. Not while he was here. He didn’t want to miss anything but his protest was so weak due the horrors still clear in his head. "Please, I’ll get better," he promised, unsure if he would be capable of complying with that promise.
"Spencer, please," Kenji tried but the blonde brushed his hand away in defiance. Kenji’s mother couldn’t help but see a child, a very confused and angry child and she realized what Kenji had to learn. She would talk to him about that and hoped that he wouldn’t take it the wrong way but her son had to learn to become an authority figure. Spencer needed to learn to listen to Kenji even if that would mean that sometimes her son’s voice would need a firmer tone.
"They will help you," the younger man repeated because he sincerely believed it necessary but lacked the strength. What his mother was already realizing Kenji tried very hard to ignore and he refrained from pressuring him, though knowing that it would be best in the situation mostly because he dreaded to become that person. That family member, that nurse or that doctor, judging what would be best for the patient. He wanted to be his confidant, his friend and his lover. He sighed when Spencer again shook his head, refusing the medication.
It turned into a subtle argument and Kenji’s mother watched her son struggling with his words, utterly careful to never sound hostile or angry. Her eyes gazed at the blonde who had his lips curled, pleading silently with his eyes for Kenji to stop offering them, despite the small part inside him who actually wanted something to get rid of this horrible image still flashing before his eyes every time he closed them.
Spencer was no fool and knew very well that the gulps and shivers wouldn’t stop just like that. Regardless of Kenji being here, regardless of the knowledge that it had been just a movie. It made him feel sick to his stomach when he finally agreed with a heavy sigh and took the pills from Kenji’s hand, swallowing them down with water. It pained Kenji to watch Spencer’s defeat reflecting from his eyes. He was unable to decline the medication and it filled him up with shame as well.
Within just a few minutes everything inside him calmed down but he wouldn’t call it calming, he’d call it dying. He had agreed because he wanted the feeling to go away and still wished to go to the soccer game. Yet, he was aware that every other feeling was numbed down as well, leaving only that vague faint of sadness that gave him a wretched and exhausted stare. His view went blank and absent as his shoulders sunk down. He felt Kenji’s tender caress but didn’t react to it anymore.
Carefully Kenji started to treat the scratches. Spencer winced only slightly under the touches but mostly stayed motionless while Kenji attached band-aids to the wounds. The tears were seething and dried into his cheeks. He didn’t wipe them away for he didn’t care about it anymore. He didn’t like the softness that lay around his mind but couldn’t fight it either. He just hoped that it would fade soon and was even partly grateful that for now it successfully locked away that dreadful movie scene.
Maybe, the mother would have given her husband more support had she not witnessed the softness of her son’s touches. With utter care he treated the wounds and even kissed him softly on the cheek more than once. She couldn’t help but feel bad for the blonde as she watched the medication go to work. It seemed as if life was ripped away from him, leaving back an empty shell yet still so visibly sad that it made her heart hurt. His movements slowed down and it was suddenly hard to imagine that a smile would ever caress his face again.
"Let’s get you to my room, okay?" Kenji asked carefully and Spencer nodded weakly and his face looked tired.
"I’m sorry," he croaked helplessly but Kenji simply kissed him and hushed, "It’s okay. I’m here now."
Kenji’s mom watched her son as he carefully lifted Spencer up on his feet and under constant soothing words guided him to his room. The blonde wouldn’t let him go once they lay on the bed but held on to him as tightly as to Wicket, needing both of them to help him through this. He felt ashamed and embarrassed.
He knew it was just a movie but he couldn’t help but shiver every time he closed his eyes and the image would be back, tormenting him further. He hated that image and he wished he’d never seen that scene. It was also becoming painfully clear to him that he’d underestimated the real world outside because it contained movies like this one. All of the past weeks mirrored in his thoughts while Kenji softly caressed through his hair unknowingly making everything worse because Kenji was so tender and Spencer felt guilty because he had made him worry. He also felt the drugs floating through his veins, depriving him of emotions he needed so desperately to function.
"I’m sorry," he apologized again under tears and added, "I know it’s just… I know it’s not real… but it felt so real and I couldn’t fight it."
"I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left you here alone," Kenji whispered but noticed that his words had the blonde crying harder.
"I’m not crazy. I’m not a child. I can be alone. I… just didn’t expect…" he wept and pressed closer to Kenji.
"I know you’re not crazy. It’s a horror movie and that scene is pretty gruesome," Kenji breezed and kissed the blonde hair.
"Your parents… Oh, I made such a mess of your bathroom…"
"That’s okay. It’s all fixable. Don’t worry about that."
"No," Spencer croaked and sat up facing him, "it’s not okay. I just wish…" he slammed his palm against his head while he angrily snarled, "That picture would go away. I wish that this had never happened. I want it to be undone."
It was the determined voice of a child and Kenji knew that. He sighed, "You can’t make it undone, you have to learn to deal with it. It wasn’t real. That’s what you need to under…"
"I know that!" Spencer interrupted him harshly and brushed through his hair in a frantic gesture, "I know that now but I didn’t know then. I’m sorry, Kenji. I didn’t mean for… I want to go home," he suddenly said and Kenji gave him a blank stare.
"What?"
"I shouldn’t be here. Get me home, right now," the blonde repeated his wish and started to reach for his backpack but it slipped from his hands and he couldn’t hold on. He suddenly felt overwhelmed by a numbness and tiredness, yearning to simply close his eyes and sleep everything away.
"Spencer, please…" Kenji felt a panic rising he’d never known before and something told him that should he let him go today it wouldn’t work out. It was something they had to get through together otherwise they’d never make it. He also felt a sting, noticing how much it troubled Spencer to pack his things. His body shifting like that of a drunk man and he brushed through his hair, rubbed his eyes to regain more focus.
"Back… home," Spencer muttered with a trembling voice, not really meaning it at all. In truth he wanted to be nowhere else than close to Kenji because after all it was Kenji who made it stop hurting. However, Kenji also had made him take the pills and Spencer wasn’t sure how that made him feel.
"Please, don’t say that. Please, Spencer don’t do that. I know it was bad what happened and I know you are confused and sad but don’t run away from me."
Spencer didn’t know what to say. He started moving his head, a bit unbalanced and felt his knees shaking because he didn’t want to leave but he couldn’t stay here either. He had already caused too much worry. He felt like he had caused too much worry to everybody he ever knew. They all ran away and now Kenji was asking him to stay. He couldn’t explain that. He searched for the right words but failed miserably.
"Why do you want me to stay? After you’ve seen what… why are you always…" his voice cracked and he didn’t fight when Kenji swung his arms around him and pulled him in an embrace.
"Because I love you. You freaked me out at first but this wasn’t your fault. There is still so much to learn but together we can do this," Kenji assured and started kissing him. He kissed the tear struck eyes, his nose, his cheeks and his lips. His hands stroked through the blonde hair and kept on kissing him over and over again, "Please, stay…"
"No," the blonde sobbed out and pushed him away. It wasn’t even an option. He would barely make it to the car and he would need someone to drive him because he had no idea how to get back home, wasn’t even sure where home truly was but still felt the strong urge to be alone. He probably would have forced himself to move away from Kenji had the younger man not made him halt in his movements due to his followed words.
"Don’t do that to me," Kenji pleaded and confessed, "Can’t you see how much this is hurting me?"
He didn’t know how else to say it and the situation was entirely too much for him to handle. It was true, he felt hurt by Spencer’s request to be brought home. Despite how shocked he was about the behaviour he still wanted him to stay. Or more accurately he still wanted take care of him, utterly convinced that if he wouldn’t be able to achieve that he’d failed the person he loved most.
"W…what?"
Spencer stared at Kenji and noticed tears trailing down the younger man’s cheek. His eyes followed the liquid drops as they left a trace on the blushing skin and he realized that Kenji was crying because of him. It pained him so heavily because he never meant to hurt him. It estranged him to watch those tears. For as long as he could remember he always hated most to see someone he cared about cry. Cry because of him to be accurate. It saddened him almost even more that he didn’t feel more affected. The drugs had given him a shield but that shield couldn’t prevent every bad feeling. It only dampened them as if to save them for later. It felt like a time bomb ticking inside his chest and he reached out with his hand to wipe one of Kenji’s tears away before his view drifted.
"I want to be there for you but if you leave now… how will we make it later? I thought that I was your home," Kenji whispered and lifted his eyes. He noticed that blank stare and cursed himself for giving him the drugs because that absent face scared him more than the fright in his eyes before.
There was a long silent pause between them. Very slowly the blonde let the backpack sink to the ground and sunk onto the bed. It was inevitable that he thought of his mom and wondered how she’d react. He remembered her drowsy voice and her weird worldly views while he stared at Kenji. It was as if something behind Kenji’s eyes made him aware how wrong his behaviour had been. How crazy he must have looked like. He stared at his hands, still bloody and briefly touched the band-aids. His mind filled with fear still from the movie, shame and guilt because he made Kenji cry and a nagging sting in his heart that forced him to make a confession he believed he’d never make.
"I don’t want to leave," he said slowly.
"Then don’t."
"Were you scared?" Spencer asked and his eyes found Kenji’s, who gave him a confused look.
"What?"
"Did I scare you?"
"Yes," Kenji admitted quietly.
"I once tried to kill myself."
His voice sounded so strangely calm that it made Kenji shiver yet he dared not to say anything. He didn’t dare to breathe for a few seconds and tried to brace himself mentally for whatever Spencer was about to tell him. Although the movie seemed to have faded out of the blonde’s thoughts it might somehow relate. Or maybe it was something completely different. Either way Kenji was sure that it was important. More than that, he believed that it would be vital for this relationship.
"Have you ever felt really tired? So tired that all you want to do is sleep?"
Kenji nodded and watched him closely. It struck him hard to hear the blonde talking about suicide like that.
"The first year in the clinic… I was fine. The people were nice. I was mostly alone but I like to be alone. It was easier, you know. But then the sessions started. Dr. Miller and Dr. Hollister kept calling me to them. Then they’d asked questions. So many questions and I didn’t want to answer them. It’s so straining and confusing. I just rather stayed alone or played with the kids. I didn’t understand why they were asking me these questions and I was angry because they never gave up.
They asked me about my mom all the time but every question sounded like something bad and I didn’t want that. I wanted to keep her in my head," he tipped on his head slightly before going on, "As my mom. The way she was before… before… she started to need me, you know."
Kenji nodded silently and took his hand into his own, squeezing it tenderly.
"So, in every session they would ask; 'Did your mom touch you?’ and then showed me some puppets where I should point out where. It was a strange question. And it felt like betraying her by pointing out where she’d touched me."
Kenji swallowed hard and tried to hide how uncomfortable this made him feel because he felt that Spencer needed that. It was also distracting from the Alien incident and therefore he kept listening intently, squeezing his hand every so often.
"But I did and showed them, though it was difficult and then they had another puppet and asked me if mom made me touch her. I showed them and they’d look at me as if they knew everything. But they didn’t know anything. Nobody ever did. But they kept asking. They ask me how I felt when she… but I didn’t want to remember," he shifted slightly and took a deep breath before he locked eyes with Kenji and said, "I do remember. I didn’t like it. But she needed me, you know. She was always so sad and I only wanted to make her happy. They kept asking and asking and they gave me pills and advice and all of it made me tired. I wanted everything to stop. I just wanted it to stop hurting so badly."
Spencer looked at Kenji to check on his reaction. He wasn’t sure why he was telling all of this to Kenji now and still struggled with his previous horrors. For some reason he felt the strong need to tell Kenji more about how dark his thoughts can get, maybe to warn him, maybe to find out if he would still want him to stay once he was done.
"I stole a knife from the kitchen and tried to cut my wrist. My mom said that if you want to cut your wrist you have to cut them vertical. I just wanted it to be over but they found me and put me under suicide watch. There are dozens of poems you can view as a good bye to life," Spencer croaked and Kenji couldn’t help but to start crying. It seemed so difficult picturing the former pirate with his broad smile in a mental state like this.
"Suzie came to me one night and read me a fairy tale. I can’t remember. It’s the only one I can’t remember and I never ask her. Sometimes it drives me insane because I can always remember stories. But this one is gone."
"I remember what she said to me when she left. She said, 'Don’t ever do that again. You scared me’. She said that again about a month later when I broke my arm because I jumped out of the window. I hadn’t indented to scare her. I just wanted to fly. But I scared her nonetheless," he paused and let his finger trail over the band aids, "Once I ran away from the tree house and hid at the lake for a night. When I came back because I’d gotten hungry my mom yelled at me. She yelled and she cried and she said that I scared her. She said that I could never run away from her. By showing them what she did to me it felt like I’m running away. They said that’s not the truth. And then they argued how they should call my sickness.
I’ve only seen two movies before. One was black and white. There was a girl and she was born mute and blind. Suzie said it was a classic and her favorite movie. She warned me that it might be sad. We watched it after I had told… I answered Dr. Hollister’s question in a session. He asked me something I first didn’t understand."
Kenji felt unease with his voice. He felt strangely in the wrong because he figured that the only reason why Spencer was talking about those past moments so openly was the simple fact that he’d stopped caring due the drugs. He seemed to have lost the strength to keep certain secrets to himself. The issue of his mother and what she had done suddenly seemed easier to talk about and he almost seemed to hope that he’d gain an explanation for his reaction to the movie. However Kenji was already certain that he was talking about something that had nothing to do with that.
"She made you sleep with her," Kenji suddenly said because it was aching him to say it out loud because that’s what it was, what Dr. Hollister surely had asked him. Maybe in a more professional way but in the right terms. In terms he couldn’t deny it and was confronted with the wrongness. Kenji pictured Dr. Hollister’s professional face to the answer, the stiffness of someone who’d heard worse. Someone who believed that once the boy would admit he’d be able to overcome the abuse and lead a perfectly normal life.
Spencer blushed heavily and lowered his eyes to the ground, playing with his finger he croaked, "This isn’t what I want… to talk… the movie I’ve watched after that session made me think I was mute and blind for three days. Dr. Hollister said that I believed that because it would help me avoid the issue. Dr. Miller said it was because of the drugs and that nobody ever explained the concept of movies to me."
"What do you believe?"
"A few days later Suzie came to me with another movie. I think it was called E.T?"
"I know that one," Kenji said and nodded, almost found himself smiling.
"E.T gets sick because he’s separated from his friend and I became sick because I missed my mom. Dr. Miller then said that watching visualized fiction," Spencer stretched out the words as if they made no sense to him and went on, "Is something my brain can’t work out. He said that I lived in a self-created fiction for too long myself. I was angry because it sounded like my life wasn’t really real."
"When I watched E.T, Riku had taken me to the movie theatre and I cried during the movie. He mocked me for weeks and called me a pussy," Kenji suddenly said, feeling a bit ashamed since it wasn’t a very harsh childhood memory. Nonetheless Spencer gave him almost a smile. Maybe without the drugs it would have been a real one.
"You cried?"
"Yeah. Hell, it was so sad, at least at some points. And you know what? The first time I saw Alien, I almost got sick during that scene. I think it’s something you can work on as well. But that’s the problem, isn’t it? I know why you are scared, Spencer. You are scared to try because it hadn’t worked back then. This isn’t about the movie. You are not telling me this because of the movie. You are telling me this as fucking warning. Do you want to know what scares me? It isn’t that you freaked out because of a scene in a movie, it’s because you are letting me know that you thought of killing yourself." Kenji paused, shocked over himself but went on because Spencer didn’t say a word nor did he look away, "I’m not scared of your problems. I’m not even scared of your mom. I’m scared that you push me away. And I’m angry that you still believe I’d leave you just like her. If this is supposed to work you have to learn a few things. You can’t just expect it to go down smoothly because this world isn’t really nice and there are worse movies than the one you’ve seen already.
There will always be people judging you. There will always be mean people as well. People like Ty for example, and they’ll say horrible things to you just to make you hurt. There will be more situations where you will feel lost. But do you want to give up? Because if you say the word this can all be over. You go back in the clinic and stay there. No one will bother you anymore. You play as much as you like and you can always be alone. Is that what you want?"
"No," Spencer whispered and swallowed some tears. He hated every word but didn’t pull away.
"I can’t always protect you. I can’t destroy every goddamn movie out there and I can’t shield you from everything bad."
"I know…"
"She couldn’t do that either. She had you locked up and shielded by illusion and she still harmed you. I want to be honest but I know it’s going to hurt you. The truth is that by now I hate your mom," Kenji said sternly.
For a moment Spencer just watched him silently. He took a deep breath before he said, "I can’t hate her. I’ve tried."
"You don’t have to hate her but you have to let her go. You said you love me and if that is true and you want to be with me, you have to stop letting her push you down. You can do this. We got through today and we’ll get through to tomorrow but if you want more you have to start adjusting a bit more. You have to help me do this if you want to prove them all wrong."
Spencer didn’t pull back when caressed over his face and leaned in to kiss him. It was a shy and unsure kiss, as if he needed some assurance. He noticed that though the blonde didn’t resist he still sort of blocked the kiss mostly because Kenji had spoken the truth and the truth hurt. He originally believed this to be easier but up until now he always had a place to retreat when he felt bad. That place would be gone if he would live with Kenji. Or maybe that place needed to become a person to confide in.
"I’m scared more than ever because I fear I really am crazy," Spencer admitted but sunk finally into Kenji’s arms with a sigh.
"We all are a little bit crazy, Spencer," Kenji hushed softly and kissed him.
"But you don’t think that a creepy worm lives insight your chest."
"Maybe not but there are other crazy things. Promise me something, please. Promise me that you won’t ever hurt yourself again."
"I can’t promise that," Spencer replied and added, "I can’t promise you something that I might not able to keep. I promise you that I will try. I promise you that I will try but it would break my heart should I ever break a promise I made to you. Therefore I can’t risk it."
"Then promise me that you will always come to me first, no matter what it is that makes you sad, please come to me first."
"I can do that," Spencer said and kissed him. The kiss was first shy, then eager and soon they gave into each other in a breathless embrace. Once he tried to kill himself to make all the bad feelings stop and a similar need laid in his kiss because Kenji had a way to make them at least fade.
"I love you," Kenji whispered and felt him trembling in his arms.
"I love you, too. And it’s not that I don’t trust you. I do. I really do. I just don’t want to scare you or make you cry. It’s just all so confusing. Sometimes it feels so right and so perfect. I want to kiss you all the time and be with you. I want to tell you things I’ve told nobody before. But it’s not going to be easy, is it?"
"I’m afraid we’re way past easy."
"I have to tell you a secret," Spencer suddenly said and sat up.
"What secret?" Kenji asked in a mixture of curiosity and unease, hoping it wouldn’t be about his mom.
Very carefully Spencer pulled out a blank piece of paper and a red pen from his backpack. He placed the empty white sheet on the bed and by ignoring the sharp sound of breath escaping from Kenji’s lips, he wrote his name down. The letters looked childish but he had written it flawlessly.
"You…?"
"I can’t read when I’m agitated because the letters confuse me. But when I concentrate I can," Spencer explained almost casually.
"But how?"
"My mom taught me," he surprisingly answered and added, "She told me that should she travel through the world she wanted me to be able to read her postcards. She sent two and they both said the same. 'I miss you, love Mom.' And then she wrote about India and how beautiful the country is. Because everybody thought I couldn’t read, Suzie read it differently. She lied. She made it up. But I liked it better. They gave up on teaching me and said it was impossible to teach me writing and reading and that meant that they left me alone. I liked that better, too."
"All this time…"
"I lied to you,’ Spencer replied with a rasping voice.
Unlike what he expected Kenji started to laugh, "You do know that it drives your doctors nuts because they can’t figure it out?"
"Yes but it’s not my fault that every time they tested it I was so nervous that I couldn’t make sense of it. I stuttered half way through the alphabet and then couldn’t go on and why are you laughing?"
"Because you fooled them. You successfully fooled everyone around you. I don’t know but after hearing a lot of people always saying, 'He can’t read,’ as if that is the ultimate proof that we would never work, it amuses me to know that you all fooled them. Actually it’s hilarious," Kenji grunted and laughed even louder.
"It’s not funny," Spencer protested, though unsure about himself.
"Yes, it is. It’s brillant. I can’t believe you got away with it," Kenji said, still grinning.
"Nobody ever questioned it," the blonde replied in a defensive voice because he wasn’t sure why Kenji was laughing at him. Besides, most of the time Spencer really couldn’t read due the habit to be generally agitated around people. He could read by himself in silence because he had enough time to imagine a voice to the written words. It was a strange habit and it started when his grandfather hired a teacher to teach him how to read. Spencer hadn’t liked the teacher.
Even in the moments where he was tired and would rather reveal his secret he couldn’t really make out the words because with his teacher in his room nothing made sense. It also couldn’t exactly be called fun and despite everything Spencer was a somewhat spoiled child since everything his mother ever taught him she had done by making it funny and interesting. It was partly the reason why Kenji was more successful in reaching him because Spencer liked to talk to Kenji and liked to be himself with Kenji.
"Let’s finish the movie," Kenji suddenly suggested, fully aware of the frightening eyes.
"What?"
"It’s a horror movie, Spencer. It’s supposed to be scary and I believe that if we watch it together it won’t be that bad. I think it only happens when you are alone."
"But Suzie watched…"
"Did she talk to you during the movies? I mean did she explain anything?"
"No, but…"
"I will. I’ll be there the whole time and I promise you that no Alien will hurt you."
Spencer’s face if possible had gotten paler and he shifted next to Kenji, "No," he hushed weakly and added with big eyes, "I don’t want to see that again."
"We should watch the entire movie. Including the goddamn credits," Kenji kept on and started to move up, pulling Spencer by his arm, "It’s time I stop being so soft with you. You are strong enough for this."
"No, Kenji, no please," Spencer protested all the way downstairs, trying to get away from Kenji’s grip, though admittingly not all too reluctant. A part of him was very scared actually to watch the movie while another part was filled with trust in Kenji. He noticed Kenji’s parents giving them a blank stare.
"Come on. It’s a classic and you haven’t seen the best parts yet. It’s going to be scary as hell," Kenji warned, not making the blonde feel any better.
"Kenji, what are you doing?" his mother asked in shock.
"We’re watching a movie and I think you and dad should watch it with us," Kenji explained firmly and rewound the tape, placing a ghostly pale Spencer onto the sofa with the words, "Want some popcorn?"
"Popcorn?"
"Yeah, people always eat popcorn during movies," Kenji explained.
"I thought people eat popcorn at the fair," Spencer replied and Kenji’s dad rolled his eyes, shaking his head over their strange way to talk to each other.
"Well, yes but during the movies, too," the younger man said and pushed the button on the microwave turning to his parents, "Go on sit down."
"Are you alright?" Kenji’s father asked, concern directed at the blonde who seemed to be rather nervous.
"No," Spencer whispered and gazed around as if he wanted to make sure Kenji couldn’t hear him, "I’m very scared," he admitted.
"We shouldn’t watch a scary movie. Not after what happened…" Mrs. Miyagi protested appalled but was struck silent by Kenji’s determined look as he returned, placing a bowl of popcorn at the table.
"It’s just a fucking movie and the only way to make that clear is to watch it," Kenji explained.
"And you came up with that?" Kenji’s father asked in disbelief.
"Actually no. You came up with that, dad," Kenji hushed and his father cocked an eyebrow, "You made me watch Jaws remember?"
Kenji’s father’s blushed, slightly ashamed and he earned a disapproving glare of his wife. He cleared his throat, "You had nightmares because of that glimpse you saw when you sneaked out. You weren’t allowed to watch the movie but you did and then kept tormenting us every night with nightmares."
"You rented it again and watched it with me and though it still scared me it wasn’t so bad and therefore we are all going to watch Alien now.'
"But…" Spencer tried to protest but Kenji dismissed him with a wave and sunk next to him, wrapping his arms around the skinny shoulders, "Don’t worry. I’m here with you."
During the next hour and a half Kenji’s parents silently witnessed their son and that strange kid. Kenji somehow managed to lift that horror from him. Even though he was still scared and shrieked every time something bad happened on screen his mind stayed focused. In some scenes he hid behind Kenji, uttering, "Make it stop!"
Only to have Kenji tease him and pull him up, forcing him to watch with the words, "It’s just a movie…" sometimes even joking with him, "Don’t be such a baby."
About half way through Spencer started asking questions about the movie. His voice was trembling and he flinched from time to time but became increasingly interested in the story. When the secret identity of the Character Ash was revealed he let out a hissing sound and asked in shock, "He’s a robot?"
"Yes, he is," Kenji stated the obvious and smiled, "A goddamn robot."
"No," Spencer breezed with wide-open eyes and Kenji hushed a kiss at his surprised face.
"Hell, yes and he even wants the Alien to stay alive."
"But it can’t stay alive. It’s evil," the blonde whispered and leaned closer to Kenji, "Does that mean he’s evil as well?"
"I guess you can say that."
"Can a robot be even evil?" Kenji’s father suddenly asked and they both turned their heads, "Well, it’s a machine."
For a while they argued before Spencer’s eyes found the screen and he had trouble breathing during the tragic passing of yet another two characters, leaving only Ripley and the cat. A red cat at that. Surprisingly it wasn’t the blonde who shrieked out loud during a rather intense moment in which the Alien gazed at the preposterously smaller animal but Kenji’s mom. "Oh, God I can’t watch," she said and covered his eyes.
"What happens to cat?" Spencer asked, concerned.
"You have to wait and see…" Kenji teased him and Spencer actually curled his lips.
"Why won’t you tell me? You said you tell me…"
"It’s part of the suspense."
"I hate suspense."
"Me, too," the mother stated, "What is going to happen to the cat?"
"I’m not spoiling you two," Kenji said sternly and crossed his arms before his chest while they followed the events on screen. Ripley, the main character, who had become Spencer’s new found hero, mostly because she actually went back for the cat had now entered a smaller spaceship. It looked like her plan would work after all but Spencer still suspected it to not entirely be over.
"Is the Alien on the big ship or on the small ship? Oh, no it’s on the smaller ship! Is it?" he asked worriedly and Kenji hid an amused smile. "Is it?" Spencer repeated restlessly and narrowed his eyes in slight anger over Kenji’s refusal to answer him.
"I’m not telling you."
Spencer grunted adorably angry, "That is not very nice of you, Kenji."
"And that’s not going to work on me, Spencer," Kenji conquered with a slick tongue and Kenji’s dad couldn’t help but smile.
There was a very weird moment when Ripley stripped to make herself ready for the hyper chamber, a technical advice that Kenji was not able to fully describe to his satisfaction by the way. Spencer wasn’t really interested in her but suspicious of the quietness. The blonde of course let out a scream and almost jumped behind Kenji’s back when the Alien appeared on the screen again in a shock effective moment. Kenji, however laughed and pulled his arms around him, saying, "Don’t be scared."
"That’s not funny," Spencer cried out loudly but because Kenji smiled he strangely smiled himself and almost enjoyed his heavy beating heart. He lurked back on the screen, partly shielding his eyes, partly watching fascinated how Ripley was now climbing into a spacesuit, humming a melody.
"Why is she singing?"
"To calm herself," Kenji explained.
In the last minutes of the movie Spencer went through a roller coaster of emotions, first fearing for the heroine’s life, then cheering to her victory only to feel incredibly sad for the dying alien followed by the ultimate relief that Ripley and the cat were safe and sound. When the credits appeared he spoke fast and it seemed that the drug was lifted from his mind, "It’s over? Why is it over? How does it go on? What happens to her? And the cat?"
"It’s just the end of the story," Kenji said, smiling proudly because the blonde was no longer in sorrow. "Actually," he suddenly added, "There’s a second part."
"A second part? We have to watch that right now."
"I don’t have it."
"Then get it," Spencer demanded and Kenji’s mom almost choked out and refrained from telling Kenji that this kid sounded a little bit spoiled.
"It’s pretty gruesome. More than the first part."
"I don’t care. I want to know what happens."
"Even if it might be more horrible than this one? There are more aliens. Lot’s of them and a lot of characters get killed. It’s not a pretty story."
"I still want to know," Spencer said and his eyes followed the credits, far too agitated to be able to read a word. He didn’t realize that Kenji was smiling at him.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Can’t you get the movie?" the blonde pleaded.
"I will get it but first I want to ask you something."
"Okay."
"Are you scared?"
"What? No, I mean yes. I mean… I don’t know what you mean."
"To do this with me? Not watching a movie but this. Us. If you want to know the ending you have to work through the story first. It might be pretty gruesome."
"Kenji,’ his father interrupted him, feeling uncomfortable to be sitting there and listening to this way of talking. They were kids after all, just children who just watched a horror movie, happy that one of them didn’t freak out.
"No, Dad, please. This isn’t your choice to make."
"Is it my choice?" Spencer asked.
"Yes, silly it’s yours. Yours alone."
"I’m not running away," Spencer answered simply and smiled warily.
"That’s a good start. I’m going to call Zane because I think he’s got the second part," Kenji said and Spencer clapped his hands in delight because he sincerely wanted to know the rest of the story.
"Final report of the commercial starship Nostromo, third officer reporting. The other members of the crew, Kane, Lambert, Parker, Brett, Ash and Captain Dallas, are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off." - Ripley’s last words
"Get what out?" Kenji asked, confused and shocked, trying desperately to calm him down. His eyes noticed the blood stains on his bare chest and he knew he needed to treat those wounds but Spencer was fighting so heavily that he couldn’t let go of the blonde’s wrists, "Dad, help! Dad!" Kenji screamed because he couldn’t do this alone.
His father rushed to his side, startled by the sight of the blonde but instinctively grabbed him from behind, yelling breathlessly, "What’s wrong with him?"
"I don’t know," Kenji replied in a panic driven voice, desperately trying to reach Spencer and asking him repeatedly what was wrong, receiving no answer but only helpless sounds.
Some of the neighbors stepped outside into the clear day to witness that strange moment. They watched as father and son struggled with the blonde boy, who was groaning and crying for it to stop.
"Do you need help?" One of them asked but Kenji's father snarled back, "No, it’s okay. We got him," unsure if that was explanation enough.
"Where is the blood coming from? Did he fall down?" His father asked, realizing how strong the blonde fought against his grip.
"No. I think he did it to himself," Kenji answered painfully and screamed loudly, "Spencer! Please, what’s wrong?"
His words were reaching the blonde but it took him a while until he found the breath to hiss, "It’s inside and it’s going to come out… I’m dying."
"You’re not dying," Kenji said and then suddenly was hit by a clearness that shocked him. His eyes fell through the open door and spotted the T.V. He connected the scenes from the movie with Spencer's fear and said, "Oh, shit," and as everything suddenly made horrible sense he found himself adding, "It’s just a movie. It’s just a movie. Do you understand that? It’s not real."
When Spencer told him about being agitated by movies he certainly hadn’t expected this. Though no expert he’d call it downright schizophrenic because obviously the blonde believed with all of his senses that an alien had nested in his chest. He was terrified and in panic, muttering constantly that he’d die and that it came out of him, referring to the character in the movie and helplessly tried to express that he was hurting so much because he could feel it.
The neighbors were still watching. They watched the blonde slowly calming down due to Kenji's words, his body rattled by heavy hiccups the tears were causing him. He wasn’t aware of the curious eyes staring at him with their jaws dropped and not aware of the panic painted on Kenji's father’s face. Everything was just one giant blur and the only thing that got through was Kenji's voice telling him that it was just a movie over and over again.
"It was an actor not a real person. It’s just a movie," Kenji hushed once more and Spencer suddenly sunk down in his arms, no longer fighting.
"What movie are you talking about?" his father asked, still in shock.
"Alien," Kenji sighed, wrapping his arms around Spencer’s rocking shoulders, holding them tightly while the blonde kept on weeping in despair.
Sweat pearls trailed from Kenji’s forehead and his heartbeat still pounded dangerously fast but Spencer was finally no longer trying to scratch his skin. Instead he lifted his suffused eyes and croaked, "I tried getting it out… but I couldn’t…"
"There is nothing inside you. Please, trust me. Believe me," Kenji pleaded and started to wipe away tears and blood attentively with the handed tissue of his father. Luckily Spencer hadn’t found anything sharp, he thought with a sickening feeling in his stomach. Overwhelmed and utterly shaken he kissed the blonde hair and repeated that everything will be all right over and over again. Then he carefully lifted him with the help of his dad and they pulled him inside the house.
"It doesn’t stop," Spencer wept bitterly, his hand clawing into Kenji’s shoulders like a drowning man while the younger man gestured his father to turn off the T.V.
"There is nothing inside you," Kenji assured again.
"I know," Spencer surprisingly said but added, "But the image isn’t stopping. I keep seeing it over and over again. I keep seeing the blood and hearing that sound…"
"Shhh, none of it was real. I’m sorry you saw that. But it didn’t really happen. It was just special effects. That guy isn’t dead. It was all make believe," Kenji hushed softly, embracing him and stroking over his back.
"I’m scared it’ll never stop… I don’t want to see it again. He made those sounds…"
"It’s just a movie," Kenji tried again but failed in sounding strong. His voice was more rasping mostly due the shock. He kept holding on to him for a while before he pushed him up with tender force to treat the wounds. The scratches looked worse than they were and weren’t deep. Nonetheless Spencer had done this to himself and the revelation shocked Kenji so deeply that he was deprived of words. He looked at his father and then shunned his eyes away because he had no explanation for this.
When the panic and shock faded Kenji just felt sorry. He felt so sorry for Spencer who suffered so intensely because of a stupid scene of a movie that it broke his heart. Even when the heavy sobs dampened to a quieter crying he could still feel the skinny body shivering in his arms. His shirt was wet with Spencer’s tears and there seemed to be no ending in sight.
"Oh, my god. What happened," Kenji’s mom gasped in disbelief and an overwhelming guilt for leaving the house, "Is he okay?"
"No, he’s not. He ripped his skin apart because of a movie so he’s certainly not okay. This is what I’m talking about. It needed both of us to keep him from harming himself further. This is too much," he spat out in a moment of despair.
"Dad," Kenji pleaded for his father to stop that. It was bad enough and he didn’t need his parents to play the I-told-you-so card. His father became quiet, instantly feeling sorry for his words but didn’t take them back.
Kenji’s mother watched as he was cradling a seventeen-year-old boy. They were both crying but Kenji much more out of shock than anything. He lifted his eyes at her and for a moment she was startled by that strength behind them when he said, "Mom, could you hand me Spencer’s backpack? It’s in my room."
His mother didn’t ask why but silently complied and returned with the luggage in her trembling hand. She watched Kenji as he reached into it and pulled out a teddy bear, tenderly handing it to the blonde who instantly grabbed it and pressed it tightly against him. She watched Spencer burying his face into the stuffed animal as if he soaked up strength from it.
He was still crying but the sobs had seethed and his tears were now running silently yet profusely over his face. Kenji then reached again into the backpack and fished out a pack of pills.
"Would you hand me a glass of water?" Kenji asked his mother and she nodded.
When he pushed the blonde up slightly and showed him the pills. Spencer shook his head, "No, no pills."
"They’ll help you calm down," Kenji urged softly.
"No,' Spencer cried, tilting his head to the side in a plead because he didn’t want to take them. Not while he was here. He didn’t want to miss anything but his protest was so weak due the horrors still clear in his head. "Please, I’ll get better," he promised, unsure if he would be capable of complying with that promise.
"Spencer, please," Kenji tried but the blonde brushed his hand away in defiance. Kenji’s mother couldn’t help but see a child, a very confused and angry child and she realized what Kenji had to learn. She would talk to him about that and hoped that he wouldn’t take it the wrong way but her son had to learn to become an authority figure. Spencer needed to learn to listen to Kenji even if that would mean that sometimes her son’s voice would need a firmer tone.
"They will help you," the younger man repeated because he sincerely believed it necessary but lacked the strength. What his mother was already realizing Kenji tried very hard to ignore and he refrained from pressuring him, though knowing that it would be best in the situation mostly because he dreaded to become that person. That family member, that nurse or that doctor, judging what would be best for the patient. He wanted to be his confidant, his friend and his lover. He sighed when Spencer again shook his head, refusing the medication.
It turned into a subtle argument and Kenji’s mother watched her son struggling with his words, utterly careful to never sound hostile or angry. Her eyes gazed at the blonde who had his lips curled, pleading silently with his eyes for Kenji to stop offering them, despite the small part inside him who actually wanted something to get rid of this horrible image still flashing before his eyes every time he closed them.
Spencer was no fool and knew very well that the gulps and shivers wouldn’t stop just like that. Regardless of Kenji being here, regardless of the knowledge that it had been just a movie. It made him feel sick to his stomach when he finally agreed with a heavy sigh and took the pills from Kenji’s hand, swallowing them down with water. It pained Kenji to watch Spencer’s defeat reflecting from his eyes. He was unable to decline the medication and it filled him up with shame as well.
Within just a few minutes everything inside him calmed down but he wouldn’t call it calming, he’d call it dying. He had agreed because he wanted the feeling to go away and still wished to go to the soccer game. Yet, he was aware that every other feeling was numbed down as well, leaving only that vague faint of sadness that gave him a wretched and exhausted stare. His view went blank and absent as his shoulders sunk down. He felt Kenji’s tender caress but didn’t react to it anymore.
Carefully Kenji started to treat the scratches. Spencer winced only slightly under the touches but mostly stayed motionless while Kenji attached band-aids to the wounds. The tears were seething and dried into his cheeks. He didn’t wipe them away for he didn’t care about it anymore. He didn’t like the softness that lay around his mind but couldn’t fight it either. He just hoped that it would fade soon and was even partly grateful that for now it successfully locked away that dreadful movie scene.
Maybe, the mother would have given her husband more support had she not witnessed the softness of her son’s touches. With utter care he treated the wounds and even kissed him softly on the cheek more than once. She couldn’t help but feel bad for the blonde as she watched the medication go to work. It seemed as if life was ripped away from him, leaving back an empty shell yet still so visibly sad that it made her heart hurt. His movements slowed down and it was suddenly hard to imagine that a smile would ever caress his face again.
"Let’s get you to my room, okay?" Kenji asked carefully and Spencer nodded weakly and his face looked tired.
"I’m sorry," he croaked helplessly but Kenji simply kissed him and hushed, "It’s okay. I’m here now."
Kenji’s mom watched her son as he carefully lifted Spencer up on his feet and under constant soothing words guided him to his room. The blonde wouldn’t let him go once they lay on the bed but held on to him as tightly as to Wicket, needing both of them to help him through this. He felt ashamed and embarrassed.
He knew it was just a movie but he couldn’t help but shiver every time he closed his eyes and the image would be back, tormenting him further. He hated that image and he wished he’d never seen that scene. It was also becoming painfully clear to him that he’d underestimated the real world outside because it contained movies like this one. All of the past weeks mirrored in his thoughts while Kenji softly caressed through his hair unknowingly making everything worse because Kenji was so tender and Spencer felt guilty because he had made him worry. He also felt the drugs floating through his veins, depriving him of emotions he needed so desperately to function.
"I’m sorry," he apologized again under tears and added, "I know it’s just… I know it’s not real… but it felt so real and I couldn’t fight it."
"I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left you here alone," Kenji whispered but noticed that his words had the blonde crying harder.
"I’m not crazy. I’m not a child. I can be alone. I… just didn’t expect…" he wept and pressed closer to Kenji.
"I know you’re not crazy. It’s a horror movie and that scene is pretty gruesome," Kenji breezed and kissed the blonde hair.
"Your parents… Oh, I made such a mess of your bathroom…"
"That’s okay. It’s all fixable. Don’t worry about that."
"No," Spencer croaked and sat up facing him, "it’s not okay. I just wish…" he slammed his palm against his head while he angrily snarled, "That picture would go away. I wish that this had never happened. I want it to be undone."
It was the determined voice of a child and Kenji knew that. He sighed, "You can’t make it undone, you have to learn to deal with it. It wasn’t real. That’s what you need to under…"
"I know that!" Spencer interrupted him harshly and brushed through his hair in a frantic gesture, "I know that now but I didn’t know then. I’m sorry, Kenji. I didn’t mean for… I want to go home," he suddenly said and Kenji gave him a blank stare.
"What?"
"I shouldn’t be here. Get me home, right now," the blonde repeated his wish and started to reach for his backpack but it slipped from his hands and he couldn’t hold on. He suddenly felt overwhelmed by a numbness and tiredness, yearning to simply close his eyes and sleep everything away.
"Spencer, please…" Kenji felt a panic rising he’d never known before and something told him that should he let him go today it wouldn’t work out. It was something they had to get through together otherwise they’d never make it. He also felt a sting, noticing how much it troubled Spencer to pack his things. His body shifting like that of a drunk man and he brushed through his hair, rubbed his eyes to regain more focus.
"Back… home," Spencer muttered with a trembling voice, not really meaning it at all. In truth he wanted to be nowhere else than close to Kenji because after all it was Kenji who made it stop hurting. However, Kenji also had made him take the pills and Spencer wasn’t sure how that made him feel.
"Please, don’t say that. Please, Spencer don’t do that. I know it was bad what happened and I know you are confused and sad but don’t run away from me."
Spencer didn’t know what to say. He started moving his head, a bit unbalanced and felt his knees shaking because he didn’t want to leave but he couldn’t stay here either. He had already caused too much worry. He felt like he had caused too much worry to everybody he ever knew. They all ran away and now Kenji was asking him to stay. He couldn’t explain that. He searched for the right words but failed miserably.
"Why do you want me to stay? After you’ve seen what… why are you always…" his voice cracked and he didn’t fight when Kenji swung his arms around him and pulled him in an embrace.
"Because I love you. You freaked me out at first but this wasn’t your fault. There is still so much to learn but together we can do this," Kenji assured and started kissing him. He kissed the tear struck eyes, his nose, his cheeks and his lips. His hands stroked through the blonde hair and kept on kissing him over and over again, "Please, stay…"
"No," the blonde sobbed out and pushed him away. It wasn’t even an option. He would barely make it to the car and he would need someone to drive him because he had no idea how to get back home, wasn’t even sure where home truly was but still felt the strong urge to be alone. He probably would have forced himself to move away from Kenji had the younger man not made him halt in his movements due to his followed words.
"Don’t do that to me," Kenji pleaded and confessed, "Can’t you see how much this is hurting me?"
He didn’t know how else to say it and the situation was entirely too much for him to handle. It was true, he felt hurt by Spencer’s request to be brought home. Despite how shocked he was about the behaviour he still wanted him to stay. Or more accurately he still wanted take care of him, utterly convinced that if he wouldn’t be able to achieve that he’d failed the person he loved most.
"W…what?"
Spencer stared at Kenji and noticed tears trailing down the younger man’s cheek. His eyes followed the liquid drops as they left a trace on the blushing skin and he realized that Kenji was crying because of him. It pained him so heavily because he never meant to hurt him. It estranged him to watch those tears. For as long as he could remember he always hated most to see someone he cared about cry. Cry because of him to be accurate. It saddened him almost even more that he didn’t feel more affected. The drugs had given him a shield but that shield couldn’t prevent every bad feeling. It only dampened them as if to save them for later. It felt like a time bomb ticking inside his chest and he reached out with his hand to wipe one of Kenji’s tears away before his view drifted.
"I want to be there for you but if you leave now… how will we make it later? I thought that I was your home," Kenji whispered and lifted his eyes. He noticed that blank stare and cursed himself for giving him the drugs because that absent face scared him more than the fright in his eyes before.
There was a long silent pause between them. Very slowly the blonde let the backpack sink to the ground and sunk onto the bed. It was inevitable that he thought of his mom and wondered how she’d react. He remembered her drowsy voice and her weird worldly views while he stared at Kenji. It was as if something behind Kenji’s eyes made him aware how wrong his behaviour had been. How crazy he must have looked like. He stared at his hands, still bloody and briefly touched the band-aids. His mind filled with fear still from the movie, shame and guilt because he made Kenji cry and a nagging sting in his heart that forced him to make a confession he believed he’d never make.
"I don’t want to leave," he said slowly.
"Then don’t."
"Were you scared?" Spencer asked and his eyes found Kenji’s, who gave him a confused look.
"What?"
"Did I scare you?"
"Yes," Kenji admitted quietly.
"I once tried to kill myself."
His voice sounded so strangely calm that it made Kenji shiver yet he dared not to say anything. He didn’t dare to breathe for a few seconds and tried to brace himself mentally for whatever Spencer was about to tell him. Although the movie seemed to have faded out of the blonde’s thoughts it might somehow relate. Or maybe it was something completely different. Either way Kenji was sure that it was important. More than that, he believed that it would be vital for this relationship.
"Have you ever felt really tired? So tired that all you want to do is sleep?"
Kenji nodded and watched him closely. It struck him hard to hear the blonde talking about suicide like that.
"The first year in the clinic… I was fine. The people were nice. I was mostly alone but I like to be alone. It was easier, you know. But then the sessions started. Dr. Miller and Dr. Hollister kept calling me to them. Then they’d asked questions. So many questions and I didn’t want to answer them. It’s so straining and confusing. I just rather stayed alone or played with the kids. I didn’t understand why they were asking me these questions and I was angry because they never gave up.
They asked me about my mom all the time but every question sounded like something bad and I didn’t want that. I wanted to keep her in my head," he tipped on his head slightly before going on, "As my mom. The way she was before… before… she started to need me, you know."
Kenji nodded silently and took his hand into his own, squeezing it tenderly.
"So, in every session they would ask; 'Did your mom touch you?’ and then showed me some puppets where I should point out where. It was a strange question. And it felt like betraying her by pointing out where she’d touched me."
Kenji swallowed hard and tried to hide how uncomfortable this made him feel because he felt that Spencer needed that. It was also distracting from the Alien incident and therefore he kept listening intently, squeezing his hand every so often.
"But I did and showed them, though it was difficult and then they had another puppet and asked me if mom made me touch her. I showed them and they’d look at me as if they knew everything. But they didn’t know anything. Nobody ever did. But they kept asking. They ask me how I felt when she… but I didn’t want to remember," he shifted slightly and took a deep breath before he locked eyes with Kenji and said, "I do remember. I didn’t like it. But she needed me, you know. She was always so sad and I only wanted to make her happy. They kept asking and asking and they gave me pills and advice and all of it made me tired. I wanted everything to stop. I just wanted it to stop hurting so badly."
Spencer looked at Kenji to check on his reaction. He wasn’t sure why he was telling all of this to Kenji now and still struggled with his previous horrors. For some reason he felt the strong need to tell Kenji more about how dark his thoughts can get, maybe to warn him, maybe to find out if he would still want him to stay once he was done.
"I stole a knife from the kitchen and tried to cut my wrist. My mom said that if you want to cut your wrist you have to cut them vertical. I just wanted it to be over but they found me and put me under suicide watch. There are dozens of poems you can view as a good bye to life," Spencer croaked and Kenji couldn’t help but to start crying. It seemed so difficult picturing the former pirate with his broad smile in a mental state like this.
"Suzie came to me one night and read me a fairy tale. I can’t remember. It’s the only one I can’t remember and I never ask her. Sometimes it drives me insane because I can always remember stories. But this one is gone."
"I remember what she said to me when she left. She said, 'Don’t ever do that again. You scared me’. She said that again about a month later when I broke my arm because I jumped out of the window. I hadn’t indented to scare her. I just wanted to fly. But I scared her nonetheless," he paused and let his finger trail over the band aids, "Once I ran away from the tree house and hid at the lake for a night. When I came back because I’d gotten hungry my mom yelled at me. She yelled and she cried and she said that I scared her. She said that I could never run away from her. By showing them what she did to me it felt like I’m running away. They said that’s not the truth. And then they argued how they should call my sickness.
I’ve only seen two movies before. One was black and white. There was a girl and she was born mute and blind. Suzie said it was a classic and her favorite movie. She warned me that it might be sad. We watched it after I had told… I answered Dr. Hollister’s question in a session. He asked me something I first didn’t understand."
Kenji felt unease with his voice. He felt strangely in the wrong because he figured that the only reason why Spencer was talking about those past moments so openly was the simple fact that he’d stopped caring due the drugs. He seemed to have lost the strength to keep certain secrets to himself. The issue of his mother and what she had done suddenly seemed easier to talk about and he almost seemed to hope that he’d gain an explanation for his reaction to the movie. However Kenji was already certain that he was talking about something that had nothing to do with that.
"She made you sleep with her," Kenji suddenly said because it was aching him to say it out loud because that’s what it was, what Dr. Hollister surely had asked him. Maybe in a more professional way but in the right terms. In terms he couldn’t deny it and was confronted with the wrongness. Kenji pictured Dr. Hollister’s professional face to the answer, the stiffness of someone who’d heard worse. Someone who believed that once the boy would admit he’d be able to overcome the abuse and lead a perfectly normal life.
Spencer blushed heavily and lowered his eyes to the ground, playing with his finger he croaked, "This isn’t what I want… to talk… the movie I’ve watched after that session made me think I was mute and blind for three days. Dr. Hollister said that I believed that because it would help me avoid the issue. Dr. Miller said it was because of the drugs and that nobody ever explained the concept of movies to me."
"What do you believe?"
"A few days later Suzie came to me with another movie. I think it was called E.T?"
"I know that one," Kenji said and nodded, almost found himself smiling.
"E.T gets sick because he’s separated from his friend and I became sick because I missed my mom. Dr. Miller then said that watching visualized fiction," Spencer stretched out the words as if they made no sense to him and went on, "Is something my brain can’t work out. He said that I lived in a self-created fiction for too long myself. I was angry because it sounded like my life wasn’t really real."
"When I watched E.T, Riku had taken me to the movie theatre and I cried during the movie. He mocked me for weeks and called me a pussy," Kenji suddenly said, feeling a bit ashamed since it wasn’t a very harsh childhood memory. Nonetheless Spencer gave him almost a smile. Maybe without the drugs it would have been a real one.
"You cried?"
"Yeah. Hell, it was so sad, at least at some points. And you know what? The first time I saw Alien, I almost got sick during that scene. I think it’s something you can work on as well. But that’s the problem, isn’t it? I know why you are scared, Spencer. You are scared to try because it hadn’t worked back then. This isn’t about the movie. You are not telling me this because of the movie. You are telling me this as fucking warning. Do you want to know what scares me? It isn’t that you freaked out because of a scene in a movie, it’s because you are letting me know that you thought of killing yourself." Kenji paused, shocked over himself but went on because Spencer didn’t say a word nor did he look away, "I’m not scared of your problems. I’m not even scared of your mom. I’m scared that you push me away. And I’m angry that you still believe I’d leave you just like her. If this is supposed to work you have to learn a few things. You can’t just expect it to go down smoothly because this world isn’t really nice and there are worse movies than the one you’ve seen already.
There will always be people judging you. There will always be mean people as well. People like Ty for example, and they’ll say horrible things to you just to make you hurt. There will be more situations where you will feel lost. But do you want to give up? Because if you say the word this can all be over. You go back in the clinic and stay there. No one will bother you anymore. You play as much as you like and you can always be alone. Is that what you want?"
"No," Spencer whispered and swallowed some tears. He hated every word but didn’t pull away.
"I can’t always protect you. I can’t destroy every goddamn movie out there and I can’t shield you from everything bad."
"I know…"
"She couldn’t do that either. She had you locked up and shielded by illusion and she still harmed you. I want to be honest but I know it’s going to hurt you. The truth is that by now I hate your mom," Kenji said sternly.
For a moment Spencer just watched him silently. He took a deep breath before he said, "I can’t hate her. I’ve tried."
"You don’t have to hate her but you have to let her go. You said you love me and if that is true and you want to be with me, you have to stop letting her push you down. You can do this. We got through today and we’ll get through to tomorrow but if you want more you have to start adjusting a bit more. You have to help me do this if you want to prove them all wrong."
Spencer didn’t pull back when caressed over his face and leaned in to kiss him. It was a shy and unsure kiss, as if he needed some assurance. He noticed that though the blonde didn’t resist he still sort of blocked the kiss mostly because Kenji had spoken the truth and the truth hurt. He originally believed this to be easier but up until now he always had a place to retreat when he felt bad. That place would be gone if he would live with Kenji. Or maybe that place needed to become a person to confide in.
"I’m scared more than ever because I fear I really am crazy," Spencer admitted but sunk finally into Kenji’s arms with a sigh.
"We all are a little bit crazy, Spencer," Kenji hushed softly and kissed him.
"But you don’t think that a creepy worm lives insight your chest."
"Maybe not but there are other crazy things. Promise me something, please. Promise me that you won’t ever hurt yourself again."
"I can’t promise that," Spencer replied and added, "I can’t promise you something that I might not able to keep. I promise you that I will try. I promise you that I will try but it would break my heart should I ever break a promise I made to you. Therefore I can’t risk it."
"Then promise me that you will always come to me first, no matter what it is that makes you sad, please come to me first."
"I can do that," Spencer said and kissed him. The kiss was first shy, then eager and soon they gave into each other in a breathless embrace. Once he tried to kill himself to make all the bad feelings stop and a similar need laid in his kiss because Kenji had a way to make them at least fade.
"I love you," Kenji whispered and felt him trembling in his arms.
"I love you, too. And it’s not that I don’t trust you. I do. I really do. I just don’t want to scare you or make you cry. It’s just all so confusing. Sometimes it feels so right and so perfect. I want to kiss you all the time and be with you. I want to tell you things I’ve told nobody before. But it’s not going to be easy, is it?"
"I’m afraid we’re way past easy."
"I have to tell you a secret," Spencer suddenly said and sat up.
"What secret?" Kenji asked in a mixture of curiosity and unease, hoping it wouldn’t be about his mom.
Very carefully Spencer pulled out a blank piece of paper and a red pen from his backpack. He placed the empty white sheet on the bed and by ignoring the sharp sound of breath escaping from Kenji’s lips, he wrote his name down. The letters looked childish but he had written it flawlessly.
"You…?"
"I can’t read when I’m agitated because the letters confuse me. But when I concentrate I can," Spencer explained almost casually.
"But how?"
"My mom taught me," he surprisingly answered and added, "She told me that should she travel through the world she wanted me to be able to read her postcards. She sent two and they both said the same. 'I miss you, love Mom.' And then she wrote about India and how beautiful the country is. Because everybody thought I couldn’t read, Suzie read it differently. She lied. She made it up. But I liked it better. They gave up on teaching me and said it was impossible to teach me writing and reading and that meant that they left me alone. I liked that better, too."
"All this time…"
"I lied to you,’ Spencer replied with a rasping voice.
Unlike what he expected Kenji started to laugh, "You do know that it drives your doctors nuts because they can’t figure it out?"
"Yes but it’s not my fault that every time they tested it I was so nervous that I couldn’t make sense of it. I stuttered half way through the alphabet and then couldn’t go on and why are you laughing?"
"Because you fooled them. You successfully fooled everyone around you. I don’t know but after hearing a lot of people always saying, 'He can’t read,’ as if that is the ultimate proof that we would never work, it amuses me to know that you all fooled them. Actually it’s hilarious," Kenji grunted and laughed even louder.
"It’s not funny," Spencer protested, though unsure about himself.
"Yes, it is. It’s brillant. I can’t believe you got away with it," Kenji said, still grinning.
"Nobody ever questioned it," the blonde replied in a defensive voice because he wasn’t sure why Kenji was laughing at him. Besides, most of the time Spencer really couldn’t read due the habit to be generally agitated around people. He could read by himself in silence because he had enough time to imagine a voice to the written words. It was a strange habit and it started when his grandfather hired a teacher to teach him how to read. Spencer hadn’t liked the teacher.
Even in the moments where he was tired and would rather reveal his secret he couldn’t really make out the words because with his teacher in his room nothing made sense. It also couldn’t exactly be called fun and despite everything Spencer was a somewhat spoiled child since everything his mother ever taught him she had done by making it funny and interesting. It was partly the reason why Kenji was more successful in reaching him because Spencer liked to talk to Kenji and liked to be himself with Kenji.
"Let’s finish the movie," Kenji suddenly suggested, fully aware of the frightening eyes.
"What?"
"It’s a horror movie, Spencer. It’s supposed to be scary and I believe that if we watch it together it won’t be that bad. I think it only happens when you are alone."
"But Suzie watched…"
"Did she talk to you during the movies? I mean did she explain anything?"
"No, but…"
"I will. I’ll be there the whole time and I promise you that no Alien will hurt you."
Spencer’s face if possible had gotten paler and he shifted next to Kenji, "No," he hushed weakly and added with big eyes, "I don’t want to see that again."
"We should watch the entire movie. Including the goddamn credits," Kenji kept on and started to move up, pulling Spencer by his arm, "It’s time I stop being so soft with you. You are strong enough for this."
"No, Kenji, no please," Spencer protested all the way downstairs, trying to get away from Kenji’s grip, though admittingly not all too reluctant. A part of him was very scared actually to watch the movie while another part was filled with trust in Kenji. He noticed Kenji’s parents giving them a blank stare.
"Come on. It’s a classic and you haven’t seen the best parts yet. It’s going to be scary as hell," Kenji warned, not making the blonde feel any better.
"Kenji, what are you doing?" his mother asked in shock.
"We’re watching a movie and I think you and dad should watch it with us," Kenji explained firmly and rewound the tape, placing a ghostly pale Spencer onto the sofa with the words, "Want some popcorn?"
"Popcorn?"
"Yeah, people always eat popcorn during movies," Kenji explained.
"I thought people eat popcorn at the fair," Spencer replied and Kenji’s dad rolled his eyes, shaking his head over their strange way to talk to each other.
"Well, yes but during the movies, too," the younger man said and pushed the button on the microwave turning to his parents, "Go on sit down."
"Are you alright?" Kenji’s father asked, concern directed at the blonde who seemed to be rather nervous.
"No," Spencer whispered and gazed around as if he wanted to make sure Kenji couldn’t hear him, "I’m very scared," he admitted.
"We shouldn’t watch a scary movie. Not after what happened…" Mrs. Miyagi protested appalled but was struck silent by Kenji’s determined look as he returned, placing a bowl of popcorn at the table.
"It’s just a fucking movie and the only way to make that clear is to watch it," Kenji explained.
"And you came up with that?" Kenji’s father asked in disbelief.
"Actually no. You came up with that, dad," Kenji hushed and his father cocked an eyebrow, "You made me watch Jaws remember?"
Kenji’s father’s blushed, slightly ashamed and he earned a disapproving glare of his wife. He cleared his throat, "You had nightmares because of that glimpse you saw when you sneaked out. You weren’t allowed to watch the movie but you did and then kept tormenting us every night with nightmares."
"You rented it again and watched it with me and though it still scared me it wasn’t so bad and therefore we are all going to watch Alien now.'
"But…" Spencer tried to protest but Kenji dismissed him with a wave and sunk next to him, wrapping his arms around the skinny shoulders, "Don’t worry. I’m here with you."
During the next hour and a half Kenji’s parents silently witnessed their son and that strange kid. Kenji somehow managed to lift that horror from him. Even though he was still scared and shrieked every time something bad happened on screen his mind stayed focused. In some scenes he hid behind Kenji, uttering, "Make it stop!"
Only to have Kenji tease him and pull him up, forcing him to watch with the words, "It’s just a movie…" sometimes even joking with him, "Don’t be such a baby."
About half way through Spencer started asking questions about the movie. His voice was trembling and he flinched from time to time but became increasingly interested in the story. When the secret identity of the Character Ash was revealed he let out a hissing sound and asked in shock, "He’s a robot?"
"Yes, he is," Kenji stated the obvious and smiled, "A goddamn robot."
"No," Spencer breezed with wide-open eyes and Kenji hushed a kiss at his surprised face.
"Hell, yes and he even wants the Alien to stay alive."
"But it can’t stay alive. It’s evil," the blonde whispered and leaned closer to Kenji, "Does that mean he’s evil as well?"
"I guess you can say that."
"Can a robot be even evil?" Kenji’s father suddenly asked and they both turned their heads, "Well, it’s a machine."
For a while they argued before Spencer’s eyes found the screen and he had trouble breathing during the tragic passing of yet another two characters, leaving only Ripley and the cat. A red cat at that. Surprisingly it wasn’t the blonde who shrieked out loud during a rather intense moment in which the Alien gazed at the preposterously smaller animal but Kenji’s mom. "Oh, God I can’t watch," she said and covered his eyes.
"What happens to cat?" Spencer asked, concerned.
"You have to wait and see…" Kenji teased him and Spencer actually curled his lips.
"Why won’t you tell me? You said you tell me…"
"It’s part of the suspense."
"I hate suspense."
"Me, too," the mother stated, "What is going to happen to the cat?"
"I’m not spoiling you two," Kenji said sternly and crossed his arms before his chest while they followed the events on screen. Ripley, the main character, who had become Spencer’s new found hero, mostly because she actually went back for the cat had now entered a smaller spaceship. It looked like her plan would work after all but Spencer still suspected it to not entirely be over.
"Is the Alien on the big ship or on the small ship? Oh, no it’s on the smaller ship! Is it?" he asked worriedly and Kenji hid an amused smile. "Is it?" Spencer repeated restlessly and narrowed his eyes in slight anger over Kenji’s refusal to answer him.
"I’m not telling you."
Spencer grunted adorably angry, "That is not very nice of you, Kenji."
"And that’s not going to work on me, Spencer," Kenji conquered with a slick tongue and Kenji’s dad couldn’t help but smile.
There was a very weird moment when Ripley stripped to make herself ready for the hyper chamber, a technical advice that Kenji was not able to fully describe to his satisfaction by the way. Spencer wasn’t really interested in her but suspicious of the quietness. The blonde of course let out a scream and almost jumped behind Kenji’s back when the Alien appeared on the screen again in a shock effective moment. Kenji, however laughed and pulled his arms around him, saying, "Don’t be scared."
"That’s not funny," Spencer cried out loudly but because Kenji smiled he strangely smiled himself and almost enjoyed his heavy beating heart. He lurked back on the screen, partly shielding his eyes, partly watching fascinated how Ripley was now climbing into a spacesuit, humming a melody.
"Why is she singing?"
"To calm herself," Kenji explained.
In the last minutes of the movie Spencer went through a roller coaster of emotions, first fearing for the heroine’s life, then cheering to her victory only to feel incredibly sad for the dying alien followed by the ultimate relief that Ripley and the cat were safe and sound. When the credits appeared he spoke fast and it seemed that the drug was lifted from his mind, "It’s over? Why is it over? How does it go on? What happens to her? And the cat?"
"It’s just the end of the story," Kenji said, smiling proudly because the blonde was no longer in sorrow. "Actually," he suddenly added, "There’s a second part."
"A second part? We have to watch that right now."
"I don’t have it."
"Then get it," Spencer demanded and Kenji’s mom almost choked out and refrained from telling Kenji that this kid sounded a little bit spoiled.
"It’s pretty gruesome. More than the first part."
"I don’t care. I want to know what happens."
"Even if it might be more horrible than this one? There are more aliens. Lot’s of them and a lot of characters get killed. It’s not a pretty story."
"I still want to know," Spencer said and his eyes followed the credits, far too agitated to be able to read a word. He didn’t realize that Kenji was smiling at him.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Can’t you get the movie?" the blonde pleaded.
"I will get it but first I want to ask you something."
"Okay."
"Are you scared?"
"What? No, I mean yes. I mean… I don’t know what you mean."
"To do this with me? Not watching a movie but this. Us. If you want to know the ending you have to work through the story first. It might be pretty gruesome."
"Kenji,’ his father interrupted him, feeling uncomfortable to be sitting there and listening to this way of talking. They were kids after all, just children who just watched a horror movie, happy that one of them didn’t freak out.
"No, Dad, please. This isn’t your choice to make."
"Is it my choice?" Spencer asked.
"Yes, silly it’s yours. Yours alone."
"I’m not running away," Spencer answered simply and smiled warily.
"That’s a good start. I’m going to call Zane because I think he’s got the second part," Kenji said and Spencer clapped his hands in delight because he sincerely wanted to know the rest of the story.
"Final report of the commercial starship Nostromo, third officer reporting. The other members of the crew, Kane, Lambert, Parker, Brett, Ash and Captain Dallas, are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off." - Ripley’s last words