(no subject)
I recall my early 20's being a time of intense emotion. Joy, anger, lust, boredom, (misplaced) romance and loneliness. Certainly not on par with the rollicking times I have now (that's sarcasm, folks). But my apparent recollection of those years as being bright and colored with feelings and experiences, I wonder if it is my age, my experience, my friends and/or environment, or the haze of my memory that makes them seem so much more strong and sharp than my current dullard existence.
I feel as I'm packed in gauze, every sensation and feeling softened by... I don't know. My emotions, apart from frustration at work, feel... less... than I remember having so many years ago. I could say the same about my physical sensations, how food seems less tasty, touches less comforting, music less entertaining to my ear...
I still enjoy good things and dislike bad. I've not gone totally emo, I assure you. But I do feel like things are not as clear-cutting to my mind as they used to be. I even feel dumber than I used to. Maybe it's because I never feel rested. Perhaps my erratic sleep is to blame. That's a very good point to consider. Or how it's rare that I get moments of peace. Even when I am relaxing in front of the computer, I still have to fight my cats for a clear view of the monitor. Maybe it's because I'm just that much older than the crowd I hang out with. I see their more intense experience of even mundane daily life, and compare it to my more weathered perceptions. The disparity in our values and understanding could reflect a different view of things. On the other hand, it could be that I've just had such a lack of anything truly exciting for a long, long time.
This is all speculation, of course. I just feel anxious at times, like something is missing... or that I'm missing something.
Mysteries and conundrums, all of it. And meanwhile, I stew in my own juices trying to guess at what direction I should take with myself now. Let's hope I figure something out before I become completely pickled.
I feel as I'm packed in gauze, every sensation and feeling softened by... I don't know. My emotions, apart from frustration at work, feel... less... than I remember having so many years ago. I could say the same about my physical sensations, how food seems less tasty, touches less comforting, music less entertaining to my ear...
I still enjoy good things and dislike bad. I've not gone totally emo, I assure you. But I do feel like things are not as clear-cutting to my mind as they used to be. I even feel dumber than I used to. Maybe it's because I never feel rested. Perhaps my erratic sleep is to blame. That's a very good point to consider. Or how it's rare that I get moments of peace. Even when I am relaxing in front of the computer, I still have to fight my cats for a clear view of the monitor. Maybe it's because I'm just that much older than the crowd I hang out with. I see their more intense experience of even mundane daily life, and compare it to my more weathered perceptions. The disparity in our values and understanding could reflect a different view of things. On the other hand, it could be that I've just had such a lack of anything truly exciting for a long, long time.
This is all speculation, of course. I just feel anxious at times, like something is missing... or that I'm missing something.
Mysteries and conundrums, all of it. And meanwhile, I stew in my own juices trying to guess at what direction I should take with myself now. Let's hope I figure something out before I become completely pickled.