It Was My Lucky Day
Friends / Enemies (same shit),
I've seen some horrors in my day. Being in the shit and the piss during the Korean War opened my eyes to all sorts of atrocities. I've seen my buddies carrying blown off arms, sergeants with parts of their skull shattered, even saw ol' Murphy take a bayonet in the ball-bag.
But what I saw yesterday was right up there.
I was minding my own business, looking for some place to get a nice Reuben sandwich on campus. Quong was nice enough to have dropped me off on his way to classes. Since I'd never been to the college before, I thought I'd take a look around...you know, see what the fuck was up.
As I came to an interection, I noticed a chubby dude crossing the street. He hadn't noticed that the light had changed and was stuffing fries in his mouth as he was glancing at something attached to his waist. I think it was one of those goddamn step-o-meters that McDonald's sells with their new Adult Crappy Meals. Those assholes. Suddenly, their filthy burgers aren't cutting it anymore and they're trying to act like their the fucking one-stop-shop for everything healthy.
Anyway, he must've been counting his 'steps' and he took his last, fatal step off the curb.
A goddamn city bus, or what I like to call a 'bad neighborhood on wheels' plowed into the poor son of a bitch like he was made of toilet tissue. He got hit so hard, it launched him right out of his shoes. Fries exploded from the Super-sized box and landed everywhere. The bus slammed on the brakes (moments too late) as the tub of goo landed on the concrete. It sounded like someone bitch-slapped the street with a porkchop. Something like that.
His fucking step-o-meter flew off of his size 56 belt and broke into a bunch of little shitty plastic pieces.
That wasn't the worst of it. No sooner had the bus stopped, but one of those ridiculous Hummer trucks came roaring around from behind the bus. Guess he didn't know there was a Fatty Arbuckle down and was pissed that he had to go around. So, in typical dickhead fashion, he tore around the bus doing like 60 mph. The driver turned to give the bus driver the stinkeye and hit the downed food dumpster with terrible force.
The wheel drove over his bloated stomach and I could see blood shoot out of his ears and mouth like he was vomiting. Chunks of fries, you name it. It was horrible.
I turned away and something landed with a soft 'fap' next to my feet. I looked down and saw that a wallet sat nicely folded by my size 11s. Somehow, the force of this poor dick getting hit by the car had made his billfold fly out where it found it's way to me.
Suddenly, I didn't give a shit about the accident. The wallet was loaded with $100 bills. I don't know if this poor bastard was on his way to pay for his tuition or maybe a down-payment on a car, but I took advantage of the situation. I high-stepped it off of campus and no one was the wiser.
Moral of the story? Some fellows are lucky and some ain't. I consider yesterday a blessing in disguise. With my new-found wealth, I think I'm going to move out of my bullshit apartment with Quong and get set up somewhere nice.
Fuck. I deserve it.
Whistling Dixie,
Bill Tabernacle
I've seen some horrors in my day. Being in the shit and the piss during the Korean War opened my eyes to all sorts of atrocities. I've seen my buddies carrying blown off arms, sergeants with parts of their skull shattered, even saw ol' Murphy take a bayonet in the ball-bag.
But what I saw yesterday was right up there.
I was minding my own business, looking for some place to get a nice Reuben sandwich on campus. Quong was nice enough to have dropped me off on his way to classes. Since I'd never been to the college before, I thought I'd take a look around...you know, see what the fuck was up.
As I came to an interection, I noticed a chubby dude crossing the street. He hadn't noticed that the light had changed and was stuffing fries in his mouth as he was glancing at something attached to his waist. I think it was one of those goddamn step-o-meters that McDonald's sells with their new Adult Crappy Meals. Those assholes. Suddenly, their filthy burgers aren't cutting it anymore and they're trying to act like their the fucking one-stop-shop for everything healthy.
Anyway, he must've been counting his 'steps' and he took his last, fatal step off the curb.
A goddamn city bus, or what I like to call a 'bad neighborhood on wheels' plowed into the poor son of a bitch like he was made of toilet tissue. He got hit so hard, it launched him right out of his shoes. Fries exploded from the Super-sized box and landed everywhere. The bus slammed on the brakes (moments too late) as the tub of goo landed on the concrete. It sounded like someone bitch-slapped the street with a porkchop. Something like that.
His fucking step-o-meter flew off of his size 56 belt and broke into a bunch of little shitty plastic pieces.
That wasn't the worst of it. No sooner had the bus stopped, but one of those ridiculous Hummer trucks came roaring around from behind the bus. Guess he didn't know there was a Fatty Arbuckle down and was pissed that he had to go around. So, in typical dickhead fashion, he tore around the bus doing like 60 mph. The driver turned to give the bus driver the stinkeye and hit the downed food dumpster with terrible force.
The wheel drove over his bloated stomach and I could see blood shoot out of his ears and mouth like he was vomiting. Chunks of fries, you name it. It was horrible.
I turned away and something landed with a soft 'fap' next to my feet. I looked down and saw that a wallet sat nicely folded by my size 11s. Somehow, the force of this poor dick getting hit by the car had made his billfold fly out where it found it's way to me.
Suddenly, I didn't give a shit about the accident. The wallet was loaded with $100 bills. I don't know if this poor bastard was on his way to pay for his tuition or maybe a down-payment on a car, but I took advantage of the situation. I high-stepped it off of campus and no one was the wiser.
Moral of the story? Some fellows are lucky and some ain't. I consider yesterday a blessing in disguise. With my new-found wealth, I think I'm going to move out of my bullshit apartment with Quong and get set up somewhere nice.
Fuck. I deserve it.
Whistling Dixie,
Bill Tabernacle