Sunday Sermonette: Io, Saturnalia!
It’s a very busy weekend, and I just don’t have the time to compose a Sermonette. Here’s an oldie but goodie I’ve dusted off and tuned up a bit.
Io Saturnalia, citizen!
In a few short days, the Northern Hemisphere will be at its furthest angle from the sun. We know this because of a Greek named Eratosthenes who lived long ago. The Greeks themselves say it was from somebody from even further back: Pythagorus or Aristotle. Their ideas about how they ought to govern themselves are ridiculous, but I'll say this for them, they're an educated people.
Everybody in the Empire has a holiday to mark the Winter Solstice. The barbarians in Trans-Alpine Gaul believe that the sun is going away, and so they encourage it to come back by lighting bonfires and holding great feasts with much singing and drinking and wenching. I talked to one barbarian who told me they didn't really believe the sun would go out, but it was a fine excuse for a good party. Barbarians aren't stupid, you know. The cider that was put by in October has developed into a pretty decent tipple, and there are other potent beverages as well. Animals that they don’t want to keep through the winter are slaughtered and smoked, salted, dried, or roasted. The offal is minced for sausages, puddings, and pies. The deep midwinter is coming, and not everyone will make it through to spring. What better reason for a feast do you want?
Our brave soldiers have their own big feast at this time. They say it's to celebrate some god from Persia, a good warrior god who is probably just another guise of Apollo. A centurion told me that the Persians had a crazy old prophet named Zoroaster who preached there were two forces in the cosmos: light and darkness, good and evil. The light was the light of some god named Ahura Mazda and the darkness was a demon named Ahriman, and the two forever contend for dominance. But that's all theology. The important thing is that the sun is the life-giver, as virile as a bull, and represented by a god called Mithra. Mithra was born from a virgin, said the centurion. Those who are baptized in the blood of a bull received special blessings, and there's plenty of roast meat and wine at the festival of the Unconquerable Sun.
Those aren’t the real Roman holidays, though. The real holiday, as we all know, is dedicated to the god Saturn. There is a sacrifice to the god at his temple and a great public feast. We give gifts to each other, especially to the children. The Divine Augustus liked it so well he extended the holiday to a whole week. Gambling is legal, the songs and the wine flow in rivers, and the girls… There will be many a swelling belly come spring, I can tell you. Ah, it is truly the greatest of festivals. The celebrations of the barbarians are but pale imitations.
But now I hear of a cult of Jews and slaves who are trying to take Saturn out of Saturnalia. They don't believe in the good Roman gods like Apollo or Augustus or even that Thunderer from the northern provinces. They refuse to offer proper sacrifice to Jove and the emperor and the gods who protect the City. They say there’s only one god, except that he had a terrorist son who we executed for rabble-rousing. They're atheists, that’s what they are. Why, only yesterday I was walking in the Forum, and what did I hear some filthy little fish-sauce merchant say? Not a proper seasonal greeting like "Io, Saturnalia!" No, it was “Merry Christmas."
Look, this is a Roman nation, and we worship Roman gods. If the Christian atheists don't want to celebrate Saturnalia, let them exile themselves back to the Provinces where they came from.
Io Saturnalia, citizen!
In a few short days, the Northern Hemisphere will be at its furthest angle from the sun. We know this because of a Greek named Eratosthenes who lived long ago. The Greeks themselves say it was from somebody from even further back: Pythagorus or Aristotle. Their ideas about how they ought to govern themselves are ridiculous, but I'll say this for them, they're an educated people.
Everybody in the Empire has a holiday to mark the Winter Solstice. The barbarians in Trans-Alpine Gaul believe that the sun is going away, and so they encourage it to come back by lighting bonfires and holding great feasts with much singing and drinking and wenching. I talked to one barbarian who told me they didn't really believe the sun would go out, but it was a fine excuse for a good party. Barbarians aren't stupid, you know. The cider that was put by in October has developed into a pretty decent tipple, and there are other potent beverages as well. Animals that they don’t want to keep through the winter are slaughtered and smoked, salted, dried, or roasted. The offal is minced for sausages, puddings, and pies. The deep midwinter is coming, and not everyone will make it through to spring. What better reason for a feast do you want?
Our brave soldiers have their own big feast at this time. They say it's to celebrate some god from Persia, a good warrior god who is probably just another guise of Apollo. A centurion told me that the Persians had a crazy old prophet named Zoroaster who preached there were two forces in the cosmos: light and darkness, good and evil. The light was the light of some god named Ahura Mazda and the darkness was a demon named Ahriman, and the two forever contend for dominance. But that's all theology. The important thing is that the sun is the life-giver, as virile as a bull, and represented by a god called Mithra. Mithra was born from a virgin, said the centurion. Those who are baptized in the blood of a bull received special blessings, and there's plenty of roast meat and wine at the festival of the Unconquerable Sun.
Those aren’t the real Roman holidays, though. The real holiday, as we all know, is dedicated to the god Saturn. There is a sacrifice to the god at his temple and a great public feast. We give gifts to each other, especially to the children. The Divine Augustus liked it so well he extended the holiday to a whole week. Gambling is legal, the songs and the wine flow in rivers, and the girls… There will be many a swelling belly come spring, I can tell you. Ah, it is truly the greatest of festivals. The celebrations of the barbarians are but pale imitations.
But now I hear of a cult of Jews and slaves who are trying to take Saturn out of Saturnalia. They don't believe in the good Roman gods like Apollo or Augustus or even that Thunderer from the northern provinces. They refuse to offer proper sacrifice to Jove and the emperor and the gods who protect the City. They say there’s only one god, except that he had a terrorist son who we executed for rabble-rousing. They're atheists, that’s what they are. Why, only yesterday I was walking in the Forum, and what did I hear some filthy little fish-sauce merchant say? Not a proper seasonal greeting like "Io, Saturnalia!" No, it was “Merry Christmas."
Look, this is a Roman nation, and we worship Roman gods. If the Christian atheists don't want to celebrate Saturnalia, let them exile themselves back to the Provinces where they came from.