"The Election of Dave Barry" Part 6/6
EPILOGUE
BILL CLINTON resigned as Governor of Arkansas in January of 1994, one week after pleading No Contest to three counts of second-degree fraud. He received a three-year suspended sentence. In 1996, Clinton won a huge Slander and Invasion of Privacy judgment against the Washington Post and Jerry Brown. He then moved to Los Angeles where he took a job as a commentator on "60 Minutes", and eventually became the host of "Bill!", the highly rated afternoon talk show produced by old friends Harry & Linda Bloodworth-Thomason. He has since been romantically linked to several celebrities, including Sharon Stone, former Spice Girl Melanie Brown, Lisa Kudrow, Rose McGowan and, most recently, Hilary Swank.
HILLARY RODHAM (formerly Clinton) also pled No Contest to a single count of fraud, and likewise received a suspended sentence. She divorced her husband in mid-1995, and returned home to Illinois. She served two terms as mayor of Chicago before being elected Governor of Illinois in 2006. She is rumored to be seriously considering her own run for the White House in 2012.
JERRY BROWN had not, technically, committed a crime, but he declared bankruptcy after the Bill Clinton lawsuit, and never again ran for elective office - at least not as a Democrat. In 2002, Brown ran for his old job as California Governor on the Green Party ticket and finished fourth. Currently, Brown is touring college campuses speaking about the Green Party. Ironically, his May 2003 appearance on "Bill!", where he and Clinton reconciled with a tearful embrace, was the second highest rated episode of the show ever (surpassed only by the February 2006 show where Bill and his ex-wife, Chicago Mayor Rodham, tearfully embraced and made up).
PAUL TSONGAS passed away in 1996, suffering from cancer and pneumonia. After Brown's staff admitted (three months after the fact) that Tsongas was not involved in the "incident", Bill Clinton dropped him from his lawsuit. Tsongas then filed a defamation suit against the Washington Post, which was settled out of court after his demise (a death that some family members still bitterly accuse the story of hastening).
MARIO CUOMO was defeated for re-election in 1994. He has since written several books, and is just waiting for a publisher to come and ask him for them.
GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH has regained most of his physical mobility. He celebrated his 80th birthday by going scuba diving off the coast of Florida, where son JEB BUSH is the Governor and is considered a leading contender for the 2008 Republican Presidential nomination. His other son, GEORGE W. BUSH ran for governor of Texas in 1998, but lost in the GOP primary to martial artist and actor Chuck Norris. George is still owner of the Texas Rangers. His other other son, NEIL BUSH, currently owes various people a lot of money, but doesn't care.
DAN QUAYLE returned to Indiana after the election. He made another bid for the White House in 1996, but never finished higher than second anywhere, and dropped out after Super Tuesday. He currently plays a lot of golf, and makes a lot of speeches.
JACK KEMP stayed on as HUD secretary in the Barry administration. He made his own bid for the White House in 2000, but lost the nomination to Senator John McCain. In 2005, he was named commissioner of the National Football League.
CHARLIE WOODBURN (STILL NOT HIS REAL NAME) won a Pulitzer Prize for breaking the story about Jerry Brown. He dated ZELDA (ALSO STILL NOT HER REAL NAME) for a while, but they eventually split up and he wound up marrying her younger sister, HORTENSE (MOST DEFINITELY NOT HER REAL NAME).
STEPHEN EDWIN KING chose to avoid the Senate as much as possible while in office, usually presiding only when a tie had to be broken or the President gave the State of the Union. After his term was up, he returned home and wrote a novel about a man from Castle Rock, Maine, who is elected to the Senate and discovers it's filled with zombies, aliens and monsters. King swears it's non-fiction.
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO is still dead.
DAVID WILLIAM BARRY JR. served as President of the United States from 1993-1997. He and his wife BETH divorced not long after he left office, though neither will discuss the matter publicly. The Ex-President, who has severed all ties to any political party, has since returned to live in Miami, remarried to a local sportswriter, and resumed writing humor columns and novels. His 2004 presidential memoirs, "Enough With the Leadership, Already!", was his best selling book ever.
(End of the Whole Darn Thing)
BILL CLINTON resigned as Governor of Arkansas in January of 1994, one week after pleading No Contest to three counts of second-degree fraud. He received a three-year suspended sentence. In 1996, Clinton won a huge Slander and Invasion of Privacy judgment against the Washington Post and Jerry Brown. He then moved to Los Angeles where he took a job as a commentator on "60 Minutes", and eventually became the host of "Bill!", the highly rated afternoon talk show produced by old friends Harry & Linda Bloodworth-Thomason. He has since been romantically linked to several celebrities, including Sharon Stone, former Spice Girl Melanie Brown, Lisa Kudrow, Rose McGowan and, most recently, Hilary Swank.
HILLARY RODHAM (formerly Clinton) also pled No Contest to a single count of fraud, and likewise received a suspended sentence. She divorced her husband in mid-1995, and returned home to Illinois. She served two terms as mayor of Chicago before being elected Governor of Illinois in 2006. She is rumored to be seriously considering her own run for the White House in 2012.
JERRY BROWN had not, technically, committed a crime, but he declared bankruptcy after the Bill Clinton lawsuit, and never again ran for elective office - at least not as a Democrat. In 2002, Brown ran for his old job as California Governor on the Green Party ticket and finished fourth. Currently, Brown is touring college campuses speaking about the Green Party. Ironically, his May 2003 appearance on "Bill!", where he and Clinton reconciled with a tearful embrace, was the second highest rated episode of the show ever (surpassed only by the February 2006 show where Bill and his ex-wife, Chicago Mayor Rodham, tearfully embraced and made up).
PAUL TSONGAS passed away in 1996, suffering from cancer and pneumonia. After Brown's staff admitted (three months after the fact) that Tsongas was not involved in the "incident", Bill Clinton dropped him from his lawsuit. Tsongas then filed a defamation suit against the Washington Post, which was settled out of court after his demise (a death that some family members still bitterly accuse the story of hastening).
MARIO CUOMO was defeated for re-election in 1994. He has since written several books, and is just waiting for a publisher to come and ask him for them.
GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH has regained most of his physical mobility. He celebrated his 80th birthday by going scuba diving off the coast of Florida, where son JEB BUSH is the Governor and is considered a leading contender for the 2008 Republican Presidential nomination. His other son, GEORGE W. BUSH ran for governor of Texas in 1998, but lost in the GOP primary to martial artist and actor Chuck Norris. George is still owner of the Texas Rangers. His other other son, NEIL BUSH, currently owes various people a lot of money, but doesn't care.
DAN QUAYLE returned to Indiana after the election. He made another bid for the White House in 1996, but never finished higher than second anywhere, and dropped out after Super Tuesday. He currently plays a lot of golf, and makes a lot of speeches.
JACK KEMP stayed on as HUD secretary in the Barry administration. He made his own bid for the White House in 2000, but lost the nomination to Senator John McCain. In 2005, he was named commissioner of the National Football League.
CHARLIE WOODBURN (STILL NOT HIS REAL NAME) won a Pulitzer Prize for breaking the story about Jerry Brown. He dated ZELDA (ALSO STILL NOT HER REAL NAME) for a while, but they eventually split up and he wound up marrying her younger sister, HORTENSE (MOST DEFINITELY NOT HER REAL NAME).
STEPHEN EDWIN KING chose to avoid the Senate as much as possible while in office, usually presiding only when a tie had to be broken or the President gave the State of the Union. After his term was up, he returned home and wrote a novel about a man from Castle Rock, Maine, who is elected to the Senate and discovers it's filled with zombies, aliens and monsters. King swears it's non-fiction.
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO is still dead.
DAVID WILLIAM BARRY JR. served as President of the United States from 1993-1997. He and his wife BETH divorced not long after he left office, though neither will discuss the matter publicly. The Ex-President, who has severed all ties to any political party, has since returned to live in Miami, remarried to a local sportswriter, and resumed writing humor columns and novels. His 2004 presidential memoirs, "Enough With the Leadership, Already!", was his best selling book ever.
(End of the Whole Darn Thing)