"The Election of Dave Barry" Part 4/6
August 27
The developments of July have understandably left the GOP chortling with glee.
The Democrats have just torn themselves to bits on national TV, and for their troubles have wound up with a candidate who may be personable and endearing, but woefully lacking in any kind of experience. In fact, poll after poll shows that even though a great majority of the electorate finds Barry and his laid-back, no-ties-allowed personality by far the more likeable candidate, most don't believe he has what it takes to be President.
The Republican convention in Houston, held the previous week, was filled with high spirits. Dave Barry's name is never mentioned, so assured is everyone that the Bush/Quayle ticket is headed not just for a victory, but a walkover! So in order to celebrate (and clear his head for the coming campaign), the President retires immediately to Kennebunkport for a week-long working vacation.
This evening, President Bush is out playing horseshoes with sons George, Neil & Jeb. He's in high spirits, and is leading his boys by a comfortable margin. None of them were ever sure exactly what happened next, but one of them (some say George, some say Neil) failed to notice their father approach the stake to retrieve his horseshoe, and let fly with his own. The horseshoe struck the President in the back of the head, and he crumpled to the ground unconscious.
As always, a medical team is on standby, and the President is rushed in for treatment. He regains consciousness an hour or so later, and despite his protests, is given a thorough examination by the doctors. They find nothing wrong and release him.
Whether the horseshoe incident contributed to what happened next remains a subject of heated debate in medical circles.
August 30
It's Sunday evening, and the President is returning to Washington aboard Air Force One. He is reviewing documents with Defense Secretary Dick Cheney about Saddam Hussein's ongoing military programs in Iraq when he clutches the side of his head, groans once and collapses.
AF1 makes an emergency landing in New York, where the unconscious Chief Executive is rushed to St. Vincent's Hospital. The diagnosis reveals that he has suffered a massive stroke. The President survives, thanks to the superb care on board the plane, but while his mental capacity is unaffected, his physical condition is another story. He is now totally paralyzed on his left side and partially on his right. The doctors state that he can recover some of his mobility, but the effort will require months, perhaps years, of intense physical therapy.
At first, President Bush is determined to carry on with both his administration and the re-election campaign, but the doctors tell him that just the stress of the campaign, let alone running the nation, will hinder his recovery. "You can choose to stay in office," his personal physician tells him bluntly, "And I can't stop you. But if you do, I can almost guarantee we'll be having a Presidential funeral before the end of 1993 - possibly even before the election is over." This piece of news only partially sways George Bush, but it certainly convinces Barbara Bush that after 30 years of public service, enough is finally enough.
September 4
Reluctantly, but at the full insistence of the First Lady, George Herbert Walker Bush submits his resignation as both Commander in Chief and as the candidate of the Republican Party, and James Danforth Quayle is sworn in as the 42nd President of the United States.
September 6
During the convention crisis in New York back in July, the Chairman of the Republican National Committee felt pretty jubilant watching the other guys slowly disintegrate right before his eyes. Now, though, he's starting to feel some appreciation for what the DNC Chairman had to live through.
To be sure, President Quayle has many supporters on the committee. Others, though, view him more as a liability than an asset. Some had even privately urged then-President Bush to replace the man with a new running mate when the convention had met - and imagine the quagmire they'd be in now if he had! But George Bush was a man loyal to his people, so Dan Quayle had stayed. Even now, some members had privately expressed the hope that, considering the circumstances, Quayle would opt out of running for his own term.
Fat chance! the chairman thought to himself as he read the new President's letter to the committee. It's a fairly direct note - whatever his other faults, Dan Quayle didn't tend to dissemble - stating that he hopes the RNC will choose him to take George Bush's place on the ticket.
"I think we should," the chairman finally said. "I think we have to. I mean, not only is he George Bush's running mate, he's now the incumbent! What does it say if we toss over a sitting President for someone else?"
"What does it say?" snapped someone from the far end of the table. "I'll tell you what it says! It says that just because George Bush had a momentary lapse of judgment, we're not going to perpetuate it!"
"Ralph!" someone winced.
"Well, it's true!" Ralph (not his real name) continued heatedly. "Four years he's lived a heartbeat away from the White House, and what's he accomplished? He's proven that he can't spell 'potato', and that he doesn't like 'Murphy Brown'! I can name a dozen candidates, right now, that we'd be better off fielding! Want me to list them alphabetically?"
"It's a recipe for disaster, is what it is," someone else said.
"Oh, come on," the chairman chided. "Are you saying that an incumbent President can't beat a jumped-up jokewriter like Dave Barry?"
"I'm saying that it'll be a race between a jokewriter and a joke!"
"Look, maybe you're right," someone else said wearily, "But then we get back to the facts - and the most crucial fact is that he is the President of the United States, and he is the most logical choice to take over George Bush's slot on the ticket."
It took the committee most of a day to decide, but in the end (with Ralph and four others dissenting), with the semi-official start of campaign season the next day, the RNC chooses J. Danforth "Dan" Quayle to be their official candidate for President.
President Quayle announces that he will leave the Vice-Presidency vacant between now and the election (meaning House Speaker Tom Foley is now next in the line of succession) and selects Former New York congressman and current HUD secretary Jack F. "Jack" Kemp as his running mate.
{End Part 4)
The developments of July have understandably left the GOP chortling with glee.
The Democrats have just torn themselves to bits on national TV, and for their troubles have wound up with a candidate who may be personable and endearing, but woefully lacking in any kind of experience. In fact, poll after poll shows that even though a great majority of the electorate finds Barry and his laid-back, no-ties-allowed personality by far the more likeable candidate, most don't believe he has what it takes to be President.
The Republican convention in Houston, held the previous week, was filled with high spirits. Dave Barry's name is never mentioned, so assured is everyone that the Bush/Quayle ticket is headed not just for a victory, but a walkover! So in order to celebrate (and clear his head for the coming campaign), the President retires immediately to Kennebunkport for a week-long working vacation.
This evening, President Bush is out playing horseshoes with sons George, Neil & Jeb. He's in high spirits, and is leading his boys by a comfortable margin. None of them were ever sure exactly what happened next, but one of them (some say George, some say Neil) failed to notice their father approach the stake to retrieve his horseshoe, and let fly with his own. The horseshoe struck the President in the back of the head, and he crumpled to the ground unconscious.
As always, a medical team is on standby, and the President is rushed in for treatment. He regains consciousness an hour or so later, and despite his protests, is given a thorough examination by the doctors. They find nothing wrong and release him.
Whether the horseshoe incident contributed to what happened next remains a subject of heated debate in medical circles.
August 30
It's Sunday evening, and the President is returning to Washington aboard Air Force One. He is reviewing documents with Defense Secretary Dick Cheney about Saddam Hussein's ongoing military programs in Iraq when he clutches the side of his head, groans once and collapses.
AF1 makes an emergency landing in New York, where the unconscious Chief Executive is rushed to St. Vincent's Hospital. The diagnosis reveals that he has suffered a massive stroke. The President survives, thanks to the superb care on board the plane, but while his mental capacity is unaffected, his physical condition is another story. He is now totally paralyzed on his left side and partially on his right. The doctors state that he can recover some of his mobility, but the effort will require months, perhaps years, of intense physical therapy.
At first, President Bush is determined to carry on with both his administration and the re-election campaign, but the doctors tell him that just the stress of the campaign, let alone running the nation, will hinder his recovery. "You can choose to stay in office," his personal physician tells him bluntly, "And I can't stop you. But if you do, I can almost guarantee we'll be having a Presidential funeral before the end of 1993 - possibly even before the election is over." This piece of news only partially sways George Bush, but it certainly convinces Barbara Bush that after 30 years of public service, enough is finally enough.
September 4
Reluctantly, but at the full insistence of the First Lady, George Herbert Walker Bush submits his resignation as both Commander in Chief and as the candidate of the Republican Party, and James Danforth Quayle is sworn in as the 42nd President of the United States.
September 6
During the convention crisis in New York back in July, the Chairman of the Republican National Committee felt pretty jubilant watching the other guys slowly disintegrate right before his eyes. Now, though, he's starting to feel some appreciation for what the DNC Chairman had to live through.
To be sure, President Quayle has many supporters on the committee. Others, though, view him more as a liability than an asset. Some had even privately urged then-President Bush to replace the man with a new running mate when the convention had met - and imagine the quagmire they'd be in now if he had! But George Bush was a man loyal to his people, so Dan Quayle had stayed. Even now, some members had privately expressed the hope that, considering the circumstances, Quayle would opt out of running for his own term.
Fat chance! the chairman thought to himself as he read the new President's letter to the committee. It's a fairly direct note - whatever his other faults, Dan Quayle didn't tend to dissemble - stating that he hopes the RNC will choose him to take George Bush's place on the ticket.
"I think we should," the chairman finally said. "I think we have to. I mean, not only is he George Bush's running mate, he's now the incumbent! What does it say if we toss over a sitting President for someone else?"
"What does it say?" snapped someone from the far end of the table. "I'll tell you what it says! It says that just because George Bush had a momentary lapse of judgment, we're not going to perpetuate it!"
"Ralph!" someone winced.
"Well, it's true!" Ralph (not his real name) continued heatedly. "Four years he's lived a heartbeat away from the White House, and what's he accomplished? He's proven that he can't spell 'potato', and that he doesn't like 'Murphy Brown'! I can name a dozen candidates, right now, that we'd be better off fielding! Want me to list them alphabetically?"
"It's a recipe for disaster, is what it is," someone else said.
"Oh, come on," the chairman chided. "Are you saying that an incumbent President can't beat a jumped-up jokewriter like Dave Barry?"
"I'm saying that it'll be a race between a jokewriter and a joke!"
"Look, maybe you're right," someone else said wearily, "But then we get back to the facts - and the most crucial fact is that he is the President of the United States, and he is the most logical choice to take over George Bush's slot on the ticket."
It took the committee most of a day to decide, but in the end (with Ralph and four others dissenting), with the semi-official start of campaign season the next day, the RNC chooses J. Danforth "Dan" Quayle to be their official candidate for President.
President Quayle announces that he will leave the Vice-Presidency vacant between now and the election (meaning House Speaker Tom Foley is now next in the line of succession) and selects Former New York congressman and current HUD secretary Jack F. "Jack" Kemp as his running mate.
{End Part 4)