MiSTed - "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)"
It's getting close to graduation time out there, so to commemorate the achievements of all those out there who've managed to wend their way through academia, here's a MiSTing of some fake Kurt Vonnegut for you. Well, some fake Kurt Vonnegut, anyway.
For those that don't remember: back in 1999 Producer Baz Luhrmann (best known today for "Moulin Rogue") put out a recording entitled "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)". The recording was all around, and could not be avoided unless you were living under a rock (which was my personal recommendation). Full of dubiously offered advice, the prose had been attributed to a commencement address given by Vonnegut at someplace or another, but it was actually a piece penned by Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich. This, however, did not stop it from taking over the radio for a brief period.
So now, ladies & gents, Bill Brains presents it's magical interpretation of Baz Luhrmann's Mary's Schmich's Kurt Vonnegut's...
[SOL - Mike & the bots are sitting at the console with big-ass glasses of milk in front of them]
TOM: I don't know, guys.
MIKE: Ah, c'mon Tom, it'll be fun.
TOM: It just seems beneath my dignity, that's all.
CROW: Geez, Tom, you're a two-foot tall robot the shape and color of a fireplug with a pair of vestigial arms, and you're worried about 'dignity'?
TOM: Why you -
MIKE: Cool it, you two. [notices Cambot on] Oh, hey everyone. I'm Mike Nelson here on the old Satellite of Love, and these are the usual suspects, Crow T. Robot & Tom Servo. Tom's a bit skittish about joining the rest of us in one of those "milk mustache" ads.
TOM: It just seems like selling out, that's all.
CROW: Oh, not that "art versus commerce" thing again?!?
TOM: I just ask myself: would Shakespeare have done it? Would Mark Twain have done it? Would Carrottop do it?
MIKE: Jennifer Anniston and Lisa Kudrow did it.
TOM: Would - they did?
MIKE: Yep.
CROW: So did Rachel McLish and Sarah Michelle Gellar and Tyra Banks and Daisy Fuentes and Yasmine Bleeth and -
TOM: So Milk is the hot drink of the next Millennium?
MIKE: Well, if you believe the hype, sure.
CROW: Plus, it impresses the chicks!
TOM: Nuff said! Pass me the cow juice, Nelson!
[Gypsy comes on, with her upper lip painted white]
GYPSY: Are we ready?
[Lights flash]
MIKE: Hold on, looks like Katrina and the Waves are calling.
[CASTLE FORRESTER - We see Pearl & Brain Guy, wearing hard hats. There's a little tiny hard hat over Brain Guy's brain, too!]
PEARL: Hi, Nelson Bergeron - mechanical contraptions. Love to chat, but we're in the middle of a monkey emergency here.
[SOL]
CROW: A monkey emergency?
MIKE: Is something wrong with Bobo?
[CF]
OBSERVER: That's one way of putting it. You see...
PEARL: [suddenly yelling toward offscreen] C'mon, get outta there, you!
BOBO: [OS] I'm almost done!
[SOL]
ALL: Ewwww!
[CF]
PEARL: Not that, you yerks! Explain it to 'em, Brainiac.
OBSERVER: Well, for some reason, shortly after breakfast Bobo started worrying that his Professorial skills are atrophying, so he locked himself in the laboratory and started trying to invent something - anything!
[SOL]
TOM: He's taken himself hostage! Cool!
MIKE: I think I saw this on "Voyager" a few weeks ago.
CROW: Well yeah, but everything eventually winds up on Voyager, Mike.
[CF]
PEARL: Worse, it turns out when J. Fred Muggs there gets frustrated, he starts lobbing around anything not nailed down.
OBSERVER: [Various crashing sounds offscreen, followed by Bobo screeching franticly] As you can hear, he hasn't had much luck trying to - [Suddenly, a piece of random debris flies past his head] Oh, my!
PEARL: That's it! I'm going in before he trashes the joint! Brain Guy, you better hightail it for the storm cellar.
[SOL]
CROW: Good idea! Thanks for the tip.
MIKE: Why did I just get deja vu when she said "Storm Cellar"?
PEARL: Hold it! That's where he's going. You, on the other hand, have a chore. I need you to keep occupied while I go spank the m- uh, take care of Bobo, so I'm sending you up a little piece of faux-Vonnegut pretentiousness called "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen" that oughta keep you in pain. Brainy. [Observer does the "doodly-doodly" thing, then heads off] Have fun! Now, as for Bobo - I'M GONNA CLEAN YER CLOCK, YOU CRAZY CHIMP!!! [rushes off towards the fray]
[SOL - Crow, Servo & Gypsy's upper "lips" all are coated with a thick, black, viscous ooze]
BOTS: Got oil?
[lights and buzzer go off]
MIKE: Never mind that -
ALL: WE'VE GOT LYRICS SIGN!!!!
[Chaos, doors, etc.]
[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O
[All enter]
MIKE: "Got oil"?!?
CROW: We like it better than milk.
TOM: And it really punches up a bowl of Wheat Chex!
>"Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)"
MIKE: Sunbathers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your dermatologist's bills!
>Written by Chicago Tribune Columnist Mary Schmich
TOM: "Schmich"? She's named for a word scramble puzzle?
CROW: Looks more like a cryptogram to me.
>Sung by Baz Luhrmann
CROW: [singing] We're off to meet the Luhrmann, the wonderful Luhrmann of Baz...
>FYI: Album title is "Something For Everybody"
TOM: Really? Oh boy! What'd we get?
MIKE: Lessee [rummages down below the seat] - Tom, here's a 1985 phone book from Xenia, Ohio - Crow, you got a carburetor from an AMC Pacer - and it looks like I have a half-full jar of bullion cubes.
[pause]
CROW: Not very impressive, is it?
MIKE: Well, it's not "Something Neat for Everybody".
>
>
>Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99.
MIKE: [basso] Get out of here and get a job! Ya bums!
> Wear Sunscreen
>
TOM: Use it 24-7! Bathe in it! Marry sunscreen!
>If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
CROW: Invest wisely? Love your kids? Buncha hooey!!!
>The long term benefits of sunscreen have been provided by scientists,
TOM: It's chock full of nutrients!
MIKE: Plus, it has a delicious coconutty flavor!
>whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own
>meandering experience...
TOM: Well, that wasn't too bad.
CROW: Yeah - a little banal, but a lot shorter than I thought.
[All prepare to go]
> I will dispense this advice now.
ALL: D'OH!!!
[All sit back down]
MIKE: I was afraid of something like that.
>
>Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
MIKE: [basso] Young man, turn down that junk you call "music" and come take out the trash!
TOM: [teen] No way, dude! I'm enjoying the power and beauty of my youth!
> oh nevermind;
CROW: He's discovered the power and beauty of Kurt Cobain.
> you will not
>understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
MIKE: Well, what good is it, then?
> But
>trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall
TOM: [Baz] That you left the kitchen sink running.
>in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and
>how fabulous you really looked...
CROW: Well, unless you're Mike.
TOM: Yeah, then you'll just be the same beefy, squareheaded squarehead you were then.
MIKE: Hey!
> You're not as fat as you imagine.
>
CROW: So there's no need to bomb Kosovo to overcompensate.
>Don't worry about the future;
CROW: Live only for the day!
TOM: Yeah, posterity is for suckers!
> or worry, but know that worrying is as
>effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
TOM: That doesn't work?
MIKE: Apparently not.
TOM: Huh. No wonder I can never solve for X!
> The
>real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your
>worried mind;
CROW: Things like giant mutant killer catfish, or why Santa Claus doesn't wear blue, or whether something you write will be attributed to Kurt Vonnegut.
> the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
>
TOM: Didn't you arrive here on a Tuesday, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah, now that you mention it.
TOM: Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
MIKE: Actually - no, not really.
>Do one thing everyday that scares you.
>
CROW: Take a nap with a spitting cobra.
TOM: Bungee jump with a frayed cord.
MIKE: Give a speech to a crowd of naked plumbers.
[pause]
CROW: Where did that -
MIKE: Just don't even ask.
>Sing.
>
ALL: Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
>Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people
>who are reckless with yours.
>
CROW: Christiaan Barnaard, you stop juggling those transplants this second!!!
>Floss.
>
TOM: Wear your teeth down to tiny, pointed nubs.
>Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're
>behind...
CROW: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
> the race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself.
>
MIKE: But in any case, you're unlikely to finish in the money.
>Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed
>in doing this, tell me how.
>
TOM: Selective memory purge/compress.
CROW: Yeah, I mean - duh!
>Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
>
CROW: Don't waste time with financial record keeping. Instead, why not obsess endlessly over that old girlfriend you haven't seen in years?
>Stretch.
[Tom's head extends up on a ratchet like it used to in KTMA days]
TOM: Like that?
MIKE: I thought you said you hurt your neck doing that.
TOM: Little Blue Star Ointment, and I'm as good as new!
[Tom retracts himself]
>
>Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life...
MIKE: Wander aimlessly about, muttering unintelligibly - people enjoy that.
>the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted
>to do with their lives,
TOM: Sound familiar, Mike?
> some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know
>still don't.
>
TOM: Sound even more familiar, Mike?
MIKE: Oh, c'mon! I'm not 40 yet!
CROW: Yeah. And he's not that interesting, either.
TOM: True.
MIKE: I'm surrounded by assassins.
>Get plenty of Calcium.
MIKE: Satisfy your oral fixation by sucking on chalk.
>
>Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
>
TOM: Easy for you to say!
MIKE: I'm sorry, what was that, Tom?
CROW: yeah, we couldn't hear you - we were too busy enjoying the power and beauty of our knees! Heh-heh-heh.
TOM: Grrrrrrrrr!
>Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe
>you won't,
MIKE: Maybe you'll have a peanut butter sandwich, maybe you won't.
TOM: Maybe you'll invest in a high-yield financial portfolio, maybe you won't.
CROW: Maybe you'll get involved in a dangerous and messy yet erotically stimulating affair with someone two decades younger than you and wind up either maimed by a jealous lover or walking the streets penniless and alone after a hefty palimony suit, maybe you won't.
MIKE: Wow!
CROW: I know - I think I've watched too many Michael Douglas movies.
> maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken
>on your 75th wedding anniversary...
TOM: In which case, maybe you'll require traction. Maybe you won't.
> whatever you do, don't congratulate
>yourself too much
MIKE: Especially if it involves that funky chicken deal.
> or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance.
CROW: And half Community Chest.
>So are everybody else's.
>
TOM: Yes, life's a crapshoot, so just get out there and try to survive it, if you can!
>Enjoy your body, use it every way you can...
CROW: This admonition void where prohibited by law.
> don't be afraid of it,
TOM: Unlike the tragic protagonist of the story "The Man Who Was Scared of His Own Ingrown Follicle".
MIKE: Sad, really.
> or what
>other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
>
POP
MR.B NATURAL: You gotta inspect your instrument, boy!
POP
MIKE: Did that just happen?
CROW: By all that's good and decent, I hope not!
>Dance... even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
>
TOM: But for crying out loud, close the curtain first, ya perv!
>Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
>
CROW: Hm, should I shut off the power before fixing this socket? Naaah!
>Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
>
MIKE: Instead, read ugliness magazines, they will make you feel beautiful.
TOM: Or just watch Springer for the same effect.
>Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
CROW: Once again, they've moved without leaving a forwarding address.
>Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
>people most likely to stick with you in the future.
>
MIKE: They're also the ones most likely to give you a double jock-lock and taunt you in public with embarrassing nicknames.
CROW: Thinking about Eddie?
MIKE: Yeah, he - hey, how'd you know my brother's name?
CROW: Um, it's a long story.
>Understand that friends, come and go,
TOM: Actually, "Friends" has had a pretty steady timeslot for the last couple of years.
> but for the precious few you should
>hold on.
[Mike grabs the bots around an arm]
TOM: Um, what are you doing, Mike?
MIKE: I'm holding on to the precious few.
CROW: We, uh, we hate to disappoint you, Mike, but we're actually part of the cheap multitude.
MIKE: Oh. [Lets go] Sorry.
TOM: 'Sokay. It's the thought that counts.
> Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the
>older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
>
MIKE: Because only they'll know that as bad as you are now, you're a vast improvement over when you were a bratty little kid.
>Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
ALL: LEAVE THE BRONX!!!
> live in
>Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
>
MIKE: Live in Wisconsin once, but leave before it makes you a cheese-wearing Packers fan!
CROW: Live in Texas once, but leave before it makes you a boozy, no-neck hick.
TOM: Live in Canada once, but leave before it m-
MIKE: What did we agree to, Tom?
TOM: *sigh* Fine. No Canada-bashing for at least a month.
>Travel.
>
MIKE: Double-dribble. Goaltend. Violate all the rules of basketball.
>Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
>philander, you too will get old,
TOM: So, basically, life sucks?
MIKE: Basically.
> and when you do you'll fantasize that when
>you were young
CROW: You were a chick magnet, instead of a geeky loner.
> prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children
>respected their elders.
>
TOM: In other words, you lived in Shangri-La.
>Respect your elders.
>
MIKE: And your deacons.
>Don't expect anyone else to support you.
TOM: Accept the fact that you're pretty much alone in life.
> Maybe you have a trust fund,
>maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
>might run out.
>
MIKE: So just count your blessings if you have a wife who works at Kwik-E-Mart and more than 40 bucks in your checking account.
>Don't mess too much with your hair, or by time you're 40, it will look 85.
>
CROW: If that's true, that "Werewolf" guy should've been bald halfway through the picture.
>Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
TOM: Particularly if they're supplying it wholesale.
>Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past
>from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and
>recycling it for more that it's worth.
>
CROW: Wow!
MIKE: Yep, this has been one cheery chunk of prose.
TOM: Hollow optimism, thy name is Baz.
>BUT TRUST ME ON THE SUNSCREEN.
>
>
MIKE: Remember, kids: Life is a shallow and lonely existence, but as long as you have sunscreen, you'll be okay!
TOM: Let's go.
[All leave]
O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]
[SOL - Mike is thumbing through a copy of "Monica's Story". Tom is engrossed in the trade paperback edition of "Kingdom Come". Crow enters, glistening strangely, even in the subdued lighting of the satellite. We soon see that he's covered in a dark, gooey liquid.]
CROW: Hey, Mike. Hey. Servo.
TOM: Crow.
MIKE: Hey, Crow. [stops, sniffs the air]
CROW: Something wrong?
MIKE: No, it's just - do you smell something funny?
CROW: No, not really.
TOM: [sniffing] Hey, I do, now that you mention it. I wonder what it - GYAH! Geez, Crow, what'd you do, OD on Brylcreem?
MIKE: Crow, what in the world is all this - this gunk?
CROW: Huh? Oh! Oh, that. It's just -
TOM: Wait, don't tell me, let me guess. [pause] Sunscreen!
CROW: Yep.
MIKE: I already regret asking this, but why have you slathered this stuff all over yourself?
CROW: Well, I figured now that I'm free to wear it, I may as well exercise my Baz-given right to SPF protection. Pretty neat, huh?
MIKE: Crow - you, uh, you do realize that even if you could actually get a sunburn, which, thanks to being made of metal, you're in zero danger of, we live on a satellite - in a completely enclosed environment where the sun don't shine?
TOM: So to speak.
MIKE: Right.
CROW: Mike, Mike, Mike - wearing sunscreen isn't just about UV Ray protection! It's a statement to the world.
MIKE: And this, I take it, is your statement.
CROW: Right! I'm standing proud and saying to the world, "Hey, World! I'm a powerful, beautiful youth, and my sunscreen is a liberating force! It makes me feel alive and free! It makes me an individual!"
TOM: It also makes you smell like a sour pina colada.
CROW: Philistine!
MIKE: Look, if you wanna get baptized in sunscreen, that's fine, just - just remember to put towels over the furniture before you sit, okay?
CROW: Will do, Mike! You can count on me! [leaves]
TOM: Does this place seem a little silly to you sometimes?
MIKE: That's a loaded question if I ever heard one. You, uh, you wanna give with the info?
TOM: Hmmmm. Can it wait? I'm up to the part where they're chasing Batson through the worm labs.
MIKE: Well, go ahead, then, I'll do it. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail to majordomo@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the message "subscribe dibslist []" in the message body. Read the FAQ, try not to work blue, and enjoy the power and beauty of your dibs.
CROW: [re-enters] Oh, Mike, I kinda forgot and sat on your bed. You got Coppertone soaked clear through to the mattress. Hope that's okay.
MIKE: *sugh* No, but it's about what I expected. [Motions Crow closer] C'mere for second, Crow.
CROW: [leans in] Yes?
[Mike lightly flicks Crow on the "pin" with a single finger. With a loud
"WAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!", Crow slides off screen and lands with a huge crash]
TOM: Cute.
MIKE: Sunscreen is a two-edged sword. [Lights flash] Oop, let's see how the siege of Castle Perilous is going.
[CF - Just Brain Guy. Offscreen, lots of screeching, incoherent threats, crashes and general pandemonium]
OBSERVER: Hello, Mike. Well, things here are still basically the same. Bobo's being stubborn, Pearl is livid, and life as we know it will probably be disrupted [looks at his watch] any second now.
[A huge flash comes from OS in the direction of the hubbub, followed by an eerie silence]
OBSERVER: Good heavens!
[SOL - Mike & the bots are gaping in concern]
MIKE: Observer, what happened?
[CF]
OBSERVER: Somehow, Bobo has managed to warp the very fabric of space and time itself. I could feel it from here! Oh, my, this could have serious repercussions indeed for anyone caught in it!
BOBO: [OS] Oh, quit whining, you big goon, I'm okay!
OBSERVER: Bobo, thank heavens you're - all -
[Out marches Kevin Murphy, sans any make-up]
OBSERVER: ...right?
BOBO: Yeah, I'm right as rain! Well, except for this whole being human business, of course. Actually - it's funny, but for the first time in a long time, I don't itch anywhere!
OBSERVER: Well - I, uh, appreciate the update on your dermatological distress, I suppose. [Looks around] Where's Pearl? Has she suffered any side effects?
BOBO: Ummmmmmm -
PEARL: [OS] What do you think?!?
OBSERVER: gasp
[What enters isn't Pearl - it's the Giant Mutant Tom Servo (c) from "High School Big Shot", with a blonde wig on top]
[SOL]
MIKE: Pearl!
CROW: Oh the humanity!
TOM: Fellas! I think - I think I'm in l-
[CF]
PEARL: Finish that sentence, Sparky, and I'll come up there and smash your globe in! Brain Guy - please tell me you can fix this!
OBSERVER: I - I - I'll certainly try, but it'll take time. I need to go do some research! [leaves]
[pause]
BOBO: I'm, uh, I'm dreadfully sorry, Lawgiver. Is there anything I can do?
PEARL: Is there anyth- actually, Booboo, there is. See, I'd love to pound the snot out of you, but my arms aren't functioning too well at the moment. So why don't you go in the kitchen and whack yourself over the skull with a frying pan until you pass out?
BOBO: You got it, Lawgiver! [strides forcefully away]
PEARL: Well, that's one thing out of the way. Hmmm - as long as I'm stuck like this, I may as well enjoy the power and beauty of my monstrous size and go scare the peasants.
[Pearl hovers off, humming to herself. As we fade we hear:] CLANG
BOBO: Ow! CLANG
BOBO: Ow! CLANG
BOBO: Ow! CLANG
[THUD]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"EVERBODY'S FREE TO WEAR SUNSCREEN" BY: Mary Schmich, recorded by Baz Luhrmann.
"EVERBODY'S FREE TO WEAR SUNSCREEN" NOT BY: Kurt Vonnegut
MiSTING BY: BILL LIVINGSTON
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon
ORNAMENTS BY: Hallmark
STAND BY: For News!
HIT ME BABY: One more time
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, the cast of "Sports Night", Westwood One, and those little faux crab-meat and cream cheese things they serve at some Chinese restaurants - Yum!
ALSO THANKS TO: Special Guest Star Bridget Jones as Mr. B. Natural.
"Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen" is (c) by May Schmich and the Chicago Tribune. Recording is (c) Baz Luhrmann. Please note that none of these are, in fact, Kurt Vonnegut.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Playing Ring Toss with your soul since 1988.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. And this time, I really mean it!
Go ahead, shove the irony down my throat!
Keep circulating the posts.
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>Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.