Been a long time lj
Sitting alone in my bed at 12:45 on a Sunday night, wide awake because the insomnia is back.
I've been a bit manic lately too. I get jittery, and anxious and I kind of feel like I'm not really present in my own life. My mind won't shut off, and I'm wired all of the time. I'm not sure if any one has noticed, because i am so used to passing, but I know I've stopped smiling so freely - I have to consciously do it now, so I'm not doing that great.
I haven't been sleeping much, just reading. I've read millions of words in the last two weeks (mostly ff some actual paper backs). This all makes such a change from the last 8 months, where I haven't been able to read; I just didn't have the concentration span for it. Don't know what changed to set me off on this mad binge of not always very well edited fanfiction, but ill take it. It's helping distract me, and gives me a focus for a while.
I've had a weird year. It's been terrible, and yet strangely memorable and just something I can't figure out or quantify.
Work has been challenging, and not really in the good way. I stopped caring a few months ago, when I made up my mind to move on, because I don't have too much left to get from the company. I realized that whatever happens I need to look out for me, and even if I am my pessimistic self, I should not not be happy just for money. There is too much crap in life to put up with something if you aren't getting an equal return. So I checked my budget, and while my money is nice, I can pay all of my bills on minimum wage, so I can literally do anything once I decide what it is.
I tried to get back into online dating, but I lasted a week. I didn't have the energy to go through the getting to know you motions, so I closed my profile again. I'm not sure what or who I am looking for. I love being alone, a classic introvert, but I miss having that one person to rely on some days. Most of my close friends are in relationships at the moment. It is great and I adore their partners, but it is sometimes really hard being the only one going home alone. Or mustering the strength to go somewhere new alone.
I'm not sure why I needed to write something longer than a tweet today. Probably because putting one self into exile from the world for a weekend leads to needing a human outlet for thoughts. Or maybe it's to put them in order and stop them chasing around and around my head in some infinite loop in the dark.
I've been a bit manic lately too. I get jittery, and anxious and I kind of feel like I'm not really present in my own life. My mind won't shut off, and I'm wired all of the time. I'm not sure if any one has noticed, because i am so used to passing, but I know I've stopped smiling so freely - I have to consciously do it now, so I'm not doing that great.
I haven't been sleeping much, just reading. I've read millions of words in the last two weeks (mostly ff some actual paper backs). This all makes such a change from the last 8 months, where I haven't been able to read; I just didn't have the concentration span for it. Don't know what changed to set me off on this mad binge of not always very well edited fanfiction, but ill take it. It's helping distract me, and gives me a focus for a while.
I've had a weird year. It's been terrible, and yet strangely memorable and just something I can't figure out or quantify.
Work has been challenging, and not really in the good way. I stopped caring a few months ago, when I made up my mind to move on, because I don't have too much left to get from the company. I realized that whatever happens I need to look out for me, and even if I am my pessimistic self, I should not not be happy just for money. There is too much crap in life to put up with something if you aren't getting an equal return. So I checked my budget, and while my money is nice, I can pay all of my bills on minimum wage, so I can literally do anything once I decide what it is.
I tried to get back into online dating, but I lasted a week. I didn't have the energy to go through the getting to know you motions, so I closed my profile again. I'm not sure what or who I am looking for. I love being alone, a classic introvert, but I miss having that one person to rely on some days. Most of my close friends are in relationships at the moment. It is great and I adore their partners, but it is sometimes really hard being the only one going home alone. Or mustering the strength to go somewhere new alone.
I'm not sure why I needed to write something longer than a tweet today. Probably because putting one self into exile from the world for a weekend leads to needing a human outlet for thoughts. Or maybe it's to put them in order and stop them chasing around and around my head in some infinite loop in the dark.