(no subject)
I must have really needed a good cry, because I just cried for a solid hour and a half. And not just weeping-crying, this was screaming, sobbing, can't breathe, crying so hard I'm going to be sick sort of deal. I can't remember the last time I did that. It's been at least almost two years, because this last year has been a good one, and the year before that I couldn't cry even if I wanted to.
I guess this is a gentle reminder from my brain- the depression and anxiety may have been mostly dormant for the last 6 months, but that doesn't mean they won't be back at some stage.
I went to a wedding today. My anxiety kicked in this morning before I even left the house, with a lovely general sense of dread filling me. I mostly ignored it, and continued on my way to Lorne, while scenarios of enjoying my afternoon in my comfort zones flitted through my mind. I couldn't find a carpark, so I missed the bus that took us out to the ceremony. I followed the bus to the location in my car and hunted for a park nearby - the reason there was a bus is because there is almost no parking available close by. I did about 10 laps attempting to convince myself I should park the car and get out.
The ceremony was in a lovely location and quite funny so I was ok then. Still uneasy and a bit worried, but ok. I got through the 2.5 hour break between the ceremony and the reception by reading a book and drinking cider in the sun, which sounds lovely, but when you're feeling anxious and on edge it isn't always great. Got through the reception and talking to all the strangers on my table without falling apart, but only just in parts. I think I just snapped when I left, because I cried from the second I got into my car to go til after I got home. And I took so long to get home, I kept having to pull over and get past the worst of it. Now I'm going to sleep and hope tomorrow is a nicer day.
I'm not even sure why.