REFLECTIONS (2)
Another Justin's POV. Hope you like it!
Again, thanks to my wonderful Beta, InconspicuousBunny. Check out her amazing stories!
It's amazing how a few months can change someone's view of things. But, as amazing as it is, it's also true. I know it is, because it has happened to me.
When I left Brian for Ethan, I thought I was gonna be happier. Because Ethan was going to give me things I thought I needed to have; a "real" relationship. Things Brian couldn't give me. And yes, I just said couldn't. No matter what he may say to deny it, I know now that he's not able to do those kind of romantic things, because that's not the way he is, the way his life has forced him to be. Anyway, I thought I was gonna be happier with Ethan. But, in the end, I wasn't.
Maybe I was for a while, even though I didn't love Ethan the way I've always loved Brian. I finally had a doting partner that actually said he loved me. Which is what we all dream to have one day, a perfect and loving happily ever after, right? But I was fooling myself. Life isn't like that, and at the end, I understood some of the things Brian is always saying. Like, "sorry is bullshit", or "love is something straight people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid, and then they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with". What I understand now is that words don't matter. It's like that saying, you know, "an act is worth ten thousand words". Which means that what matters is what you show, what you demonstrate, and NOT what you say, right? And Ethan said a lot of shit and did a lot of meaningless romantic things that, in the end, were just shallow. At the end, he never really showed me anything.
Brian did. And still does.
And I'm not saying this just because he saved my life, or because he took me in, or because he bought me an expensive computer program that allowed me to keep painting, or because he's paying for my education, or because he looks after me. I mean, those things are important, that's true… But in the end, it's all about the little details. Those details that I always took for granted before Ethan, but that I can see now for what they are: meaningful acts of Brian's strong feelings for me.
For example, when we started fucking, he never had any food at the loft. But when I started making myself a constant in Brian's life, things started to change. When he learnt that I liked drinking milk before going to sleep, I suddenly started finding a bottle of milk in the fridge whenever I stayed the night, along with my favourite peanut butter cookies that he never ate because they were "carb-bombs". Or when I caught the flu and he heard my mom telling me to drink hot tea because it always helped me when I was sick. Next thing I knew, I had a packet of tea bags in a very visible place on the cupboard. Or the way I knew he had read all the patient information leaflets to throw away all the meds of his bathroom cabin that contained the drugs I'm allergic to. Or the times when he let me top him, even though I know he has control issues. Or the way he started sleeping on his side of the bed, even when he was just taking a nap and I wasn't around. Or the way he allowed me to cuddle when we were finished making love. Or the way he didn't mind when I borrowed his clothes to wear at home, or when I left my things around the loft, or when I got paint all over his expensive table because I threw an artistic fit when a project for school didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.
He has never said anything, he has never told me that he does these things. Maybe he isn't even aware that I know about them. But I do.
I do.
Maybe Brian can't tell me how he feels about me. Maybe he is too emotionally fucked up to allow himself to drop his barriers and fully acknowledge his love for me. Maybe he will never bring me flowers, bring me breakfast in bed, buy me a ring or serenade me.
But now, I know I don't NEED those things. I don't need words, I don't need romance, and I don't need him to be someone he isn't. Even though I thought I did. Even though I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving with Ethan when I had everything I had ever dreamed of. Maybe I didn't have it in a conventional way, but, fuck, I had everything I wanted, fairytale-esque or not. And, above all things, I had him.
Now, I'm fucking lucky to still have him. And that's all that matters. That's all I need, for now. Maybe he will be able to give me more in the future, maybe not, but I will still have him. And I sure as hell will still love him.
Whatever happens, I won't fuck up again.
Never again.
Again, thanks to my wonderful Beta, InconspicuousBunny. Check out her amazing stories!
It's amazing how a few months can change someone's view of things. But, as amazing as it is, it's also true. I know it is, because it has happened to me.
When I left Brian for Ethan, I thought I was gonna be happier. Because Ethan was going to give me things I thought I needed to have; a "real" relationship. Things Brian couldn't give me. And yes, I just said couldn't. No matter what he may say to deny it, I know now that he's not able to do those kind of romantic things, because that's not the way he is, the way his life has forced him to be. Anyway, I thought I was gonna be happier with Ethan. But, in the end, I wasn't.
Maybe I was for a while, even though I didn't love Ethan the way I've always loved Brian. I finally had a doting partner that actually said he loved me. Which is what we all dream to have one day, a perfect and loving happily ever after, right? But I was fooling myself. Life isn't like that, and at the end, I understood some of the things Brian is always saying. Like, "sorry is bullshit", or "love is something straight people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid, and then they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with". What I understand now is that words don't matter. It's like that saying, you know, "an act is worth ten thousand words". Which means that what matters is what you show, what you demonstrate, and NOT what you say, right? And Ethan said a lot of shit and did a lot of meaningless romantic things that, in the end, were just shallow. At the end, he never really showed me anything.
Brian did. And still does.
And I'm not saying this just because he saved my life, or because he took me in, or because he bought me an expensive computer program that allowed me to keep painting, or because he's paying for my education, or because he looks after me. I mean, those things are important, that's true… But in the end, it's all about the little details. Those details that I always took for granted before Ethan, but that I can see now for what they are: meaningful acts of Brian's strong feelings for me.
For example, when we started fucking, he never had any food at the loft. But when I started making myself a constant in Brian's life, things started to change. When he learnt that I liked drinking milk before going to sleep, I suddenly started finding a bottle of milk in the fridge whenever I stayed the night, along with my favourite peanut butter cookies that he never ate because they were "carb-bombs". Or when I caught the flu and he heard my mom telling me to drink hot tea because it always helped me when I was sick. Next thing I knew, I had a packet of tea bags in a very visible place on the cupboard. Or the way I knew he had read all the patient information leaflets to throw away all the meds of his bathroom cabin that contained the drugs I'm allergic to. Or the times when he let me top him, even though I know he has control issues. Or the way he started sleeping on his side of the bed, even when he was just taking a nap and I wasn't around. Or the way he allowed me to cuddle when we were finished making love. Or the way he didn't mind when I borrowed his clothes to wear at home, or when I left my things around the loft, or when I got paint all over his expensive table because I threw an artistic fit when a project for school didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.
He has never said anything, he has never told me that he does these things. Maybe he isn't even aware that I know about them. But I do.
I do.
Maybe Brian can't tell me how he feels about me. Maybe he is too emotionally fucked up to allow himself to drop his barriers and fully acknowledge his love for me. Maybe he will never bring me flowers, bring me breakfast in bed, buy me a ring or serenade me.
But now, I know I don't NEED those things. I don't need words, I don't need romance, and I don't need him to be someone he isn't. Even though I thought I did. Even though I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving with Ethan when I had everything I had ever dreamed of. Maybe I didn't have it in a conventional way, but, fuck, I had everything I wanted, fairytale-esque or not. And, above all things, I had him.
Now, I'm fucking lucky to still have him. And that's all that matters. That's all I need, for now. Maybe he will be able to give me more in the future, maybe not, but I will still have him. And I sure as hell will still love him.
Whatever happens, I won't fuck up again.
Never again.