Venting
Sigh...
I should try to vent out my thoughts more often or I might do something bad...
My life is just weird. Sure, people must have it worse, but when you feel really bad does that crap really matter? I wish my life would get better because whenever it becomes better more shit just happens. The good parts of life are always so short. Never fair. I wish I could regret getting my car at the time when I did or making some of those purchasing with my two credits cards, but I just can't. And I regret almost everything I've done in my life. I mean, I need my car and most of the money I spent with those cards was on Christmas presents. I am so behind on my card payments...
My money troubles also caused some more problem with school too. I get my boyfriend was right when he said I should just skip a semester so I could work more hours and pay. I really do need more money, but just thinking about missing a semester of school makes me feel so bad. Not to mention I don't really like my job too much and I don't get paid much. I believed that I would've graduated by the end of this summer, but when I found out that I was still three classes behind...it felt like a bad blow. I just want to be over and done with Valencia and go to UCF. I really want to catch up with everyone I know. I feel like I'm so far behind my friends and I'll never catch up to them like this. That and the sooner I go to UCF the sooner I'll leave home on my own.
Not only do I have money troubles but I believe I may have love troubles too. I'm afraid that I may never understand how my boyfriend feels. I mean, he had to move away from his family and friends to go to school, sees them weeks at a time during the years, and goes back to school. And now, he's in another country altogether. I understand that he gets lonely but I know I will never understand how lonely he is. He reason for being depressed is his loneliness, which makes me feel so bad that I do not understand his pain. It's not as if he doesn't have any friends at his school, but I guess for him that is not enough.
At times like this I feel like I may be holding him back. At his school, I know there may be a girl he might have a thing for. Knowing that, I feel a little envious when I hear him talking about another girl that he knows, but I also feel bad because she could be just a simple friend or that I know there is nothing wrong with feeling that way about another girl when your girlfriend is quite a few states away. For some reason, he believes that he is holding me back which I never understood. It sort of makes me feel pretty angry, as if I'm some sort of trampy girl who looks at other guys with lecherous eyes or someone who wants to date a lot of guys or some shit like that.
I don't know...maybe he's forcing himself to stay with me in order not to hurt me or something. The thought just hurts me more. I love him too much to have him hurt himself for me. I just hope that is not the case at all. Right around the time before he was to leave of school for the first time, he spoke of wanting to break up because he didn't want to hold me back. I never understood that and let him know how crazy that was, but the next year around the same time he wanted to do it again for the same reasons. It makes me think if he'll do the same thing this year. I wonder if that really is the real reason.
Oh boy...
I should really try to vent out my thoughts more often or I might kill myself ...
I know no one really reads this anymore with my lack of updates, but I'll try to vent a little more, being that I habitually keep things to myself a lot, yet when I don't no one is hardly ever happy with what I have to say. Really makes one want to die, eh? I guess venting does make you feel at least a bit better...
I hope things will get better...not sooner, but now...I hate my life.
Guess I'm just fucking tired...
I should try to vent out my thoughts more often or I might do something bad...
My life is just weird. Sure, people must have it worse, but when you feel really bad does that crap really matter? I wish my life would get better because whenever it becomes better more shit just happens. The good parts of life are always so short. Never fair. I wish I could regret getting my car at the time when I did or making some of those purchasing with my two credits cards, but I just can't. And I regret almost everything I've done in my life. I mean, I need my car and most of the money I spent with those cards was on Christmas presents. I am so behind on my card payments...
My money troubles also caused some more problem with school too. I get my boyfriend was right when he said I should just skip a semester so I could work more hours and pay. I really do need more money, but just thinking about missing a semester of school makes me feel so bad. Not to mention I don't really like my job too much and I don't get paid much. I believed that I would've graduated by the end of this summer, but when I found out that I was still three classes behind...it felt like a bad blow. I just want to be over and done with Valencia and go to UCF. I really want to catch up with everyone I know. I feel like I'm so far behind my friends and I'll never catch up to them like this. That and the sooner I go to UCF the sooner I'll leave home on my own.
Not only do I have money troubles but I believe I may have love troubles too. I'm afraid that I may never understand how my boyfriend feels. I mean, he had to move away from his family and friends to go to school, sees them weeks at a time during the years, and goes back to school. And now, he's in another country altogether. I understand that he gets lonely but I know I will never understand how lonely he is. He reason for being depressed is his loneliness, which makes me feel so bad that I do not understand his pain. It's not as if he doesn't have any friends at his school, but I guess for him that is not enough.
At times like this I feel like I may be holding him back. At his school, I know there may be a girl he might have a thing for. Knowing that, I feel a little envious when I hear him talking about another girl that he knows, but I also feel bad because she could be just a simple friend or that I know there is nothing wrong with feeling that way about another girl when your girlfriend is quite a few states away. For some reason, he believes that he is holding me back which I never understood. It sort of makes me feel pretty angry, as if I'm some sort of trampy girl who looks at other guys with lecherous eyes or someone who wants to date a lot of guys or some shit like that.
I don't know...maybe he's forcing himself to stay with me in order not to hurt me or something. The thought just hurts me more. I love him too much to have him hurt himself for me. I just hope that is not the case at all. Right around the time before he was to leave of school for the first time, he spoke of wanting to break up because he didn't want to hold me back. I never understood that and let him know how crazy that was, but the next year around the same time he wanted to do it again for the same reasons. It makes me think if he'll do the same thing this year. I wonder if that really is the real reason.
Oh boy...
I should really try to vent out my thoughts more often or I might kill myself ...
I know no one really reads this anymore with my lack of updates, but I'll try to vent a little more, being that I habitually keep things to myself a lot, yet when I don't no one is hardly ever happy with what I have to say. Really makes one want to die, eh? I guess venting does make you feel at least a bit better...
I hope things will get better...not sooner, but now...I hate my life.
Guess I'm just fucking tired...