The Hobbesian Horoscope, 7/20/12
Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.
Happy Friday - another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short - but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): It’s a marvelous week for a moon dance, but you won’t be dancing. You’ll be on the sidelines, watching other people dance, holding up the bar again. Don’t let it fall - after a few gin and tonics, that sucker really starts to rock, doesn’t it? Your high-risk disease this week: Jaundice.
Taurus (The Bull): When you get pulled over for speeding this week, try looking at the cop and saying, “But the limit is 186,000 miles per second, officer. I wasn’t even approaching a measurable fraction of that!” As he handcuffs you, start yelling “The Higgs Boson made me do it!” Be sure to let us know how that works out for you.
Gemini (The Twins): This will be a good week for getting your car cleaned. Unfortunately you won’t have to move it - the flash floods will clean it real good, yeah, inside and out baby. Budget for a new one. Your high-risk disease this week: Deformed Wing Virus.
Cancer (The Crab): Do you remember the other day when you decided you didn’t really need to pull the drapes before you changed clothes, and then you spotted that beautiful deer standing on the hill looking toward your house? He’ll be back this week, and he’s bring you a dozen roses. Will you have the hart to tell him to buck off?
Leo (The Lion): Great news! This week, a set of ten platinum and ten gold coins will be ordered in your name! Unfortunately, they’re also being ordered with your credit card. They are not, however, being sent to your address. Your high-risk disease this week: Plum Pox Virus.
Virgo (The Virgin): Remember the beautiful oak in your yard? Five words: high wind, insurance company, firewood.
Libra (The Scale): This will be an interesting week for you. More than 18 people will “like” your status update on Facebook. This is interesting, since you don’t have a Facebook account. By Thursday, you’ll be downright Tweeting! Your high-risk disease this week: Acinetobacter.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): Sushi will sound really good on Tuesday. It will taste good, too. Good, however, probably shouldn’t be used to describe that sushi, which you’re likely to find out later Tuesday evening, over the course of hours. You know all those magazines by your commode? Bring a copy of War and Peace; you’re going to have some time on your hands.
Sagittarius (The Archer): You’ll see a marked increase in energy this week, since you’re going to start eating better. You won’t have much choice, the fast-food joint you’ve been munching at will close “by order of the health inspector” on Wednesday. Your high-risk disease this week: Hoof Disease.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You’ve been busy this week, and next week looks like more of the same. You’re thinking about stopping to smell the roses. Don’t do it - you’re allergic. Just keep working.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): You will be asked to rejoin your coven of highly trained adepts this week, a signal honor since you pretty much cursed them all as you flounced out last month. Don’t be fooled, they only want you for your body. Yes, you know what I mean. Your high-risk disease this week: Witches’ Broom.
Pisces (The Fish): You’re going to be nominated to another Focus Group this week. Try to stay awake for this one, OK? That was embarrassing.