I'll never find someone quite like

Sep 02, 2008 01:30

I do have good days, I swear.  Its just that I am usually too happy to blog about it.  So, here's yet another forlorn and upset entry.

I'm sick of feeling like a shit person. Like a failure. People talk to me like I don't mean anything.

I'm not happy that someone feels this way.  But when I read that, it made me a little less upset because I realized at least I'm not the only one.  Class started last week.  I'm happy to be back (even though I went through WAY too much shit at work to change my schedule), but I don't think I like either teacher.  That's going to make it suck for a while.  I don't have either program on my computer either, so anything I don't finish in class, I'm going to have to go back to school to do in the lab.  I really hate that.

As per usual, Manny pissed me off.  Apparently Shanna has a crush on the same two guys I do...and he felt it was his place to tell her.  I'm not saying I don't gossip, but not about my best friend.  He doesn't think he was in the wrong.  For instance, he asked if I remembered Coax telling me he couldn't talk to me because he had a girlfriend?  I said yeah, and I don't ruin relationships.  He said Coax lied.  He has no girlfriend, he's been talking to Shanna this whole time.  So the way he sees it, he's just looking out for both of us...he said maybe we should talk, because if Coax is lying to me, maybe he's lying to her too.  And Manny also thinks Shanna would be better for Noel than me.  And I think he doesn't want to let me go.

I should be hearing from the doctor any day now.  I'm getting quite anxious.  My last visit almost 2 weeks ago was the 3 month follow-up to my pap after my LEEP.  No big deal.  Until he told me if for some reason it comes back abnormal again, he encourages me to seriously consider getting pregnant right away so that they can do a hysterectomy.  I'm nervous.  Only because after the LEEP, the tissue they removed tested clean.  He said they sent it to a few labs and got a few opinions.  The tissue from the colposcopy definitely was a precancerous lesion according to everyone, and the LEEP tissue was clean.  So I wonder did I have an unnecessary procedure when I had the LEEP?  Did they miss it when they did it?  Am I some kind of medical phenomenon, where the cancer just disappeared?  Or do I have to decide in 2 weeks, am I ready to get pregnant?  Because I believe the purpose of womenhood is to create and carry new life.  And I KNOW that if I cannot do that, I will go into a depression.  I already feel as though I'm not good for anything, what would my purpose be now?  If the abnormal cells are back, the doctor told me that I can get pregnant. Right away.  I would go biweekly for paps so they can watch the growth of the cancer.  And then in 9 months, I would have a hystorectomy.  Do I want to have a baby when I graduate college?  AND, what guy is going to willingly get me pregnant next week?

Adoption.  Yes its an option when I'm ready for a family.  Yes I know I will ALWAYS love an adopted baby as my own.  But I will also know, heaven forbid anything is ever wrong with me, this child will not have my blood, my DNA.  If for instance, I need a kidney like my dad did, I couldn't even consider my child.  And while the best match is usually a sibling, in my dad's case, his second chance, if he needed it, was my brother, his son.  I won't have a second option.

So, if I need to get pregnant this week, I think I decided I'm not ready.  I will discuss the option of harvesting and freezing my eggs.  I gotta know somebody down the line that loves me enough to be a surrogate so that I can have a blood and DNA child.

Oh, and if it all comes down to that, that also will mean I have cancer.  And I'll need major surgery.  And that scares me.

And I hate thinking negatively.  I REALLY want to just say "I'll be fine...I KNOW it!" and be right...  But the fact of the matter is, I have like a year.  To decide, to get pregnant, to carry the child, to deliver, and to get rid of it all.  So I needed a jump start on making the decision.  My life may change in a few days...

I think my bedroom has become a reflection of my life.  I am upset with myself every morning I wake up.  I literally open my eyes, look around my room, and think "Fuck, I'm a dirtball!"  When did that happen?  You can't even walk in my room without tripping.  Which then just pisses me off.  I have it all planned in my head- what 2 or 3 rooms in my house will look like.  I try and rationalize it that way- that everything I own that's not in my car, is in ONE 9x12' room.  So yes, I've started to accumulate things and its becoming crowded.

What bothers me most right now, is that most of the stuff I come to Livejournal to blog about, is stuff I should tell an actual human person. Face to face in conversation.  And my pitiful self always feels like there is no one like that in my life.  *sigh*

On the only positive note:  I started my diet July 27.  Since then, I have fought the urges to cheat (and they are getting strong!), and I have lost 10.5 lbs!!!!  I have also had a few comments that people can tell =)

So fuck everyone else.  I'm doing something for myself.  It is making me happy...until 11:30 am tomorrow morning when I get my official measurements and BMI at W3...  eep.
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