A thoughtful, deep, wordy, update
I have a feeling I am going to be updating a lot now.
Two years ago my life was pretty much in a neat little pile just waiting to be filed away. Now, the pages have turned corners, some are crumbled, and the page numbers are not in order. Some are even missing.
By 25, most people I know have jobs. Carreers. Those that don't are in Graduate school and if they have not yet done so, are completing their Masters Degrees this month. Some have families of their own- children, husbands, fiances, and places to live.
I am not saying any of this is easy, but I am not there, where I feel like I should be.
This is not necessarily me being depressed. Its just me sorting out those disheveled piles.
This internship I am nearing the end of was not related with my current path in school, and I knew that ahead of time. But I hoped to still learn one of two things (which I did): Is this something I would like to do as a career? If they wanted to offer me a job at the end of the internship is this what I want to do for years to come? Would I elect to not complete the certificate I am pursuing, and quit my current job as well? OR Do I continue taking classes toward the new path I think I might be going down? If I stay in school for ONE MORE YEAR, do I stay at Beggars for that year too?
I thought I answered at least half of it. The other half went out the window yesterday. I heard a rumor that in all their hirings at Garden Center, my name came up for a possible interview. Unfortunately, I decided this is not the place I'd like to work. I am continuing school for one more year. But, Beggars has cut my hours. I don't know if it is punishment for a poor performance, I don't know if it is because of the economy and I have been the manager for the least amount of time ("shit rolls downhill" is the expression). Either way, I know that I am 25 years old. I am a part-time employee and a part-time student. I live at home, and with the paycut, I am no longer sure if I will be making enough money to move out--especially since I don't have a roommate in mind.
I feel like I am taking 2 steps backward. In addition to this, MY family, the one I am supposed to start, is about 5 steps back as well... With my health issues, it was suggested to me (if you read the last post) to start having kids. Now.
I am regressing. Going backwards entirely. 25 year olds are finishing school, getting full-time careers, and starting families. I am in school (STILL unsure what I can do once I get a design certificate), I am a part-time worker, and if I don't start my family NOW ((no boyfriend, by the way)) there is a chance I won't even be able to carry a baby.
I never had a real plan: This is where I'm going to college, this is what I want to be when I grew up, I am marrying my boyfriend of this many years...
But the plan I had needs to be re-worked.
So do I take on part-time employment if my internship offers it? Work 2 part-time jobs, stay in school part-time, and live a life possibly being treated for cancer? And if I finally am ready for a family, will I have to adopt? Should I have them save my eggs in case I DO have a hysterectomy? Then at least if I have a surrogate, the baby would still be MINE?
I can't even decide that until I find out if I have cancer and what my treatment options are.
I can't grasp the fact that these are now the decisions I have to make.
Two years ago my life was pretty much in a neat little pile just waiting to be filed away. Now, the pages have turned corners, some are crumbled, and the page numbers are not in order. Some are even missing.
By 25, most people I know have jobs. Carreers. Those that don't are in Graduate school and if they have not yet done so, are completing their Masters Degrees this month. Some have families of their own- children, husbands, fiances, and places to live.
I am not saying any of this is easy, but I am not there, where I feel like I should be.
This is not necessarily me being depressed. Its just me sorting out those disheveled piles.
This internship I am nearing the end of was not related with my current path in school, and I knew that ahead of time. But I hoped to still learn one of two things (which I did): Is this something I would like to do as a career? If they wanted to offer me a job at the end of the internship is this what I want to do for years to come? Would I elect to not complete the certificate I am pursuing, and quit my current job as well? OR Do I continue taking classes toward the new path I think I might be going down? If I stay in school for ONE MORE YEAR, do I stay at Beggars for that year too?
I thought I answered at least half of it. The other half went out the window yesterday. I heard a rumor that in all their hirings at Garden Center, my name came up for a possible interview. Unfortunately, I decided this is not the place I'd like to work. I am continuing school for one more year. But, Beggars has cut my hours. I don't know if it is punishment for a poor performance, I don't know if it is because of the economy and I have been the manager for the least amount of time ("shit rolls downhill" is the expression). Either way, I know that I am 25 years old. I am a part-time employee and a part-time student. I live at home, and with the paycut, I am no longer sure if I will be making enough money to move out--especially since I don't have a roommate in mind.
I feel like I am taking 2 steps backward. In addition to this, MY family, the one I am supposed to start, is about 5 steps back as well... With my health issues, it was suggested to me (if you read the last post) to start having kids. Now.
I am regressing. Going backwards entirely. 25 year olds are finishing school, getting full-time careers, and starting families. I am in school (STILL unsure what I can do once I get a design certificate), I am a part-time worker, and if I don't start my family NOW ((no boyfriend, by the way)) there is a chance I won't even be able to carry a baby.
I never had a real plan: This is where I'm going to college, this is what I want to be when I grew up, I am marrying my boyfriend of this many years...
But the plan I had needs to be re-worked.
So do I take on part-time employment if my internship offers it? Work 2 part-time jobs, stay in school part-time, and live a life possibly being treated for cancer? And if I finally am ready for a family, will I have to adopt? Should I have them save my eggs in case I DO have a hysterectomy? Then at least if I have a surrogate, the baby would still be MINE?
I can't even decide that until I find out if I have cancer and what my treatment options are.
I can't grasp the fact that these are now the decisions I have to make.