(no subject)
Sometimes I make myself to be a tortured soul of some sort. It is somewhat pitiful and weak. It is something that I have to stop doing. It is true, I have been hurt by a lot of women in my life. I am assessing some blame here. However, in the end the blame falls on myself because I allowed it to happen. The most powerful thing that we have is our mind. It can play tricks on us and lead us to believe that something is true when it is not. The heart is what needs to be listened to. Too often though, my mind easily wins this. I try to trick myself into denying something that is obviously true. Most of my days except for at work is spent alone. That gives me a lot of time to think about what is going on with me. So hence I think about past experiences. Now many people say that they don't live in the past. Well first off I think that is a crock of shit. I am without a doubt not one of those people though. My mind constantly wanders to things I have done or didn't do. I denied what I felt towards someone out of respect for her and her situation. It is not my place to get involved with others relationships. But I am being selfish for now. I don't care what the consequences are anymore. My mind needed to be eased a little. It was to a degree. I will explain what I did in a minute. Too often I am too forgiving and/or accomodating towards people. That is why some people take advantage of my generosity and helpful nature. I just have a difficult time saying no to the people I think I care about.
For the moment I saw Laura, I think I loved her. There is just something that I can't deny. Now I know I do. There is not a thing I can do about it. She knows now too. I told her. We are friends of course but I will never be with her. I know that. It is impossible. I have never been in love with a woman from afar. It is a whole new experience. I have been infatuated with a woman before from afar but never love. The feeling I have in my heart is the same sort of feelings I used to have for Becky. So at the very least I know that i want to be with her more than anyone in the world. It hurts so bad. I have never had this feeling of knowing that the person I am in love with will never love me the same way. It is the most crushing and heartstopping feeling I have ever had. Yesterday my hand overtook my mind and I wrote furiously. I sat in my breakroom at work and just let my hand work. It poured onto one simple page. I was plain and serious. There was no doubt about I felt. I gave it to Laura. She read it. I know this seems pathetic and sad but writing is how I express myself. There is no way I could have said it to her. Plus it would have just seemed like I was trying to get her to be with me. I told her that I knew nothing would ever happen between us. My heart is such in anguish right now. That old shitty saying about how if you love something, set it free. I hate it with a passion. She occupies my dreams, my thoughts, and my heart. I will never be rid of her memory.
For the moment I saw Laura, I think I loved her. There is just something that I can't deny. Now I know I do. There is not a thing I can do about it. She knows now too. I told her. We are friends of course but I will never be with her. I know that. It is impossible. I have never been in love with a woman from afar. It is a whole new experience. I have been infatuated with a woman before from afar but never love. The feeling I have in my heart is the same sort of feelings I used to have for Becky. So at the very least I know that i want to be with her more than anyone in the world. It hurts so bad. I have never had this feeling of knowing that the person I am in love with will never love me the same way. It is the most crushing and heartstopping feeling I have ever had. Yesterday my hand overtook my mind and I wrote furiously. I sat in my breakroom at work and just let my hand work. It poured onto one simple page. I was plain and serious. There was no doubt about I felt. I gave it to Laura. She read it. I know this seems pathetic and sad but writing is how I express myself. There is no way I could have said it to her. Plus it would have just seemed like I was trying to get her to be with me. I told her that I knew nothing would ever happen between us. My heart is such in anguish right now. That old shitty saying about how if you love something, set it free. I hate it with a passion. She occupies my dreams, my thoughts, and my heart. I will never be rid of her memory.