Sleepy Weekend
I slept nine and a half hours last night.
I am alone in this large house.
I have no plans for the weekend besides showering and food preparation.
I think that I've become quite poor at figuring out how to spend time alone. Every idea that comes to mind as to what I could do this weekend involves me sitting here in this room:
Study Russian
Work on Infinity Language Project
Study Haskell/Category Theory
Not only that, but all of these things are Hard. Could I realistically do these all day? In what way? Could I somehow structure my day so that I could just do these? Would I be happy?
I have this (certainly incorrect) idea that most people can spend an entire weekend alone and have a rich cultural experience. Perhaps they go to some museums during the day and then, at night, to a club or some such, where they have sex with the finest vagina.
Or maybe my hypothetical Member of Society goes to some classes, eats some fine food, goes on walks in the park.
None of these actions appeal in a clear way.
The idea of going to museums alone seems boring. I imagine that I'd get to the museum, walk around, unengaged. This hits on the deeper (flaw?) fact of my inability to pose intellectual content except with respect to its communication. After all, who cares what you believe, or if it's right, if you can't communicate it to someone else. Who would I tell about my trip to the museum? Would anyone care? Why should they?
The idea of going to clubs alone seems somewhat frightening (I have lingering trauma from those Neurotic Nights in my early 20s when I would go to clubs and stand around awkwardly, wanting to leave - even now, the only way that going to a club alone would not be so nerve-wracking that I'd want to leave is that I have friends there or drink heavily).
I suppose there are some classes that I'd like to go to, but I don't know how to find them. A class on Go or Russian or Bondage would be nice. Maybe I'd meet some other nice people. Maybe a workout class? The issue with these is that they take a lot of initial investment (internet search, getting ready, transportation) and might be shit. Also, I'm not going to be around next weekend (going to a wedding) and it seems silly to start something long-term with this in mind. Also, I'm going to be ridiculously busy until the end of October (planning my wedding, finding new apartment, STUFF)...
I would go to find some good foods, but it feels strange to do this alone.
Basically what it comes down to is that I am not a happy person, alone. I am not unhappy, but I truly do not seek out things to make me happy. I follow threads of interest, certainly, but this happens without regard for whether they are positive or negative.
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I feel like deconstructing my position is helping (e.g. I just send an email to the director of a russian language school), but I'm not sure that it's healthy. Shouldn't I just -do- something? But none of my arrows point anywhere!
Part of the issue is that I Am Not Used To This. I don't think I've had a free weekend since I got to SF, and probably not any time for a while before that. It's difficult to deal with new things, even (maybe counter-intuitively) if they are featureless, especially if they are vast. There are no defaults. The brain must construct a narrative out of nothing. Have you ever been asked to "say something funny?" Did you succeed?
The mind needs to be seeded in order to function in an interesting way. The only people who can act without seed are obsessives. If I were obsessed with music, movies, whatever, today would be easy to figure out - I'd go listen to some music, watch a movie, whatever. But I'm not. I like these things, but they aren't the One Thing.
Ayn Rand talked about how "Man needs a single passion, an orienting principle" (paraphrase). I've rejected her philosophy, but I can't help but wonder if this is true to some extent. Without a single point of interest which integrates all of our lower-level interests is it possible to come up with action out of nothingness? Is it possible to do "productive" work? If we are not guided by this One Thing then we must be strung along by something external.
But what is my One Thing. I suppose this should be fairly obvious. I think that I even have enough of an aesthetic of this O.T. that people have characterized extremely abstract concepts as "the type of thing that Chris would like."
But how do I orient my Saturday around exploration of The Mind?
I could trip.
I could study Russian, work on ILP.
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But wait, see. I want to have some romantic experiences. I really do.
It's a scary thought, but I do want them. I want to go to a cafe, meet a mysterious foreigner, be drawn into his/her world.
I want to fuck a lost French model, far away from gay paris.
I'm not sure exactly what I want, but I want it!
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Anyway, I looked up a good book store and I'm going to go. That will be the Thing of the Day. I might also have lunch with this guy, if he gets back to me.
Bleh.