home home, meaning meaning
I feel like writing without direction or intent,
on the topic of the upcoming marriage,
on the topic of the upcoming wedding.
Now, there are many dimensions of this meaning,
and I can only show you maybe one, or two, at a time,
before my mind strays and I lose the thread.
And I feel like, if I justify the ceremony, then you will not know the unknowable bond.
Or, if I justify the marriage, you won't understand the ceremony.
Or the legal bit?
---
One of the deepest sympathies I have towards Jen is this mutual feeling that life's largest decisions are actually quite small, not decisions at all.
Like, the decision to go to Japan - could my life have really gone any other way? It was life-altering, of course, but so would any other decision, with reference to the Japan-path. Path-relativism, my friends.
But, even forgetting about path-relativism for a moment, the fact is that the decision to go to Japan was not so much a decision, but was actually equivalent to the act of recognizing all the signs pointing in the direction of: YES:
I had been learning Japanese
My relationships with my friends were stringing me out
I wanted to clean up off of booze (HA! Japan did a lot of good for that!)
I wanted to avoid getting a job/working for the man
I wanted to get some Japanese pooooooooon (HA!)
I wanted to learn about a significantly different culture
I wanted solitude
etc. etc. etc.
What other decision was there? In what sense was this even a decision?
Now, see, now we're just talking in one dimension -> the "is it a good idea?" dimension. Because, don't get me wrong, I'm not marrying Jen because it's a good idea. But it certainly is.
I mean, life here, life with her, is great. Is tremendous. Not necessarily always happy, but always great. Like, I try to watch movies these days and they seem dull in comparison.
But life is happy in a lot of ways. I'm in better shape than I've been in in years. I eat better. I have more sex. I am actually working on projects I care about. I'm making money. Things are going pretty well. And there are issues, of course, there are always issues. Time is such an issue, perspective is another.
But this isn't even why I'm marrying her. Because, after all, how do I know if the future will be happy? She just had some crappy crap go on with one of her friends which is going to make the next few months significantly more difficult (basically, he promised her a job, and is now withdrawing that promise at the last moment). Anything could go wrong. i could lose my hands in a chainsaw accident. Who knows?
---
See, because there is more to the marriage than meets the eye, more to it than these simple rationalizations that Jen and I conjure up from time to time.
I sometimes thing it's about sympathy. I mean, here's this woman who grew up under totally different circumstances, and somehow we understand each other ridiculously well. Sexually, emotionally, physically, intellectually.
There are some times when I'm talking to Jen and I feel like we are actually communicating at the level of mind. This only happens with a few other people I know.
---
But see, that's just deep friendship. Where's the content? Where's the nucleus of it all?
Is it just plain old attraction?
Like, not sexual, necessarily. But just like heroin draws you back over and over, maybe we're addicted to each other? Maybe the wedding is saying that we're ok with this.
Honestly, can I imagine life without Jen? She's only been gone for a week and it hurts like a motherfucker.
---
I think it's actually much simpler.
I actually feel at home, here, like I haven't for so long.
I feel as if I can relax a little, in a most crucial way, finally.
---
Now obviously I'm not done. I want to talk about what I mean by "home." Because it's very specific.
It has to do with singularity in the most denotational sense - I simply can't imagine this life any other way, right now. I can't imagine going back to any other place day after day. I can't imagine resting anywhere else. I can't imagine being as vulnerable anywhere else, living as simply anywhere else.
I feel some degree of guilt because maybe this comes off as implying something about my relationship to 151. I felt a lot of things there - free, creative, inspired, happy, hopeful, supported - but this feeling of vulnerability and simplicity was definitely lacking. It makes me really sad, actually, to think of it. And I am definitely just now struck by a wave of nostalgia. There was something so pretty and gritty about it. But it didn't feel permanent. It felt like it had to end. I never unpacked my room!
I can't tell if it was because of me, or because of Emma/Jason/Raju, or because of everyone. The question of "the future" was always a bit strained. Where were we going? I wonder if I'll be able to make a committment to them in the future? I think that there's definitely a part of me that would be extremely happy living with them in close quarters again, at some point.
I can't tell if this newfound feeling of "home" is somewhat antithetical to flexibility. Is it realistic to think that I could ever live near Jason again?Are commitments to other mortals "allowed?" Is this committment to Jen the "deepest" one possible? Does it trump all?
---
Maybe it is the longest term? Maybe it is the cornerstone. I actually kind of like this definition.
I mean, let's be serious and simple, here. Jen and I get a lot of things out of this relationship, besides all the higher-level emotions. We both get sex, we both get companionship during irritating times (doing laundry), we get encouragement, perspective, etc.
This relationship really is a cornerstone of a life to be constructed. And, as much as my inner Enlightened self is screaming at me that "nothing is permanent," I want it to be. I am greedy for the things that Jen gives me, the things that her presence allows me to do.
---
Anyway, I hope that all of this is not read as masturbatory or self-congratulatory. I'm about to make a really big move in the game of life and I want to make sure that it is as transparent as possible.
-Chris
on the topic of the upcoming marriage,
on the topic of the upcoming wedding.
Now, there are many dimensions of this meaning,
and I can only show you maybe one, or two, at a time,
before my mind strays and I lose the thread.
And I feel like, if I justify the ceremony, then you will not know the unknowable bond.
Or, if I justify the marriage, you won't understand the ceremony.
Or the legal bit?
---
One of the deepest sympathies I have towards Jen is this mutual feeling that life's largest decisions are actually quite small, not decisions at all.
Like, the decision to go to Japan - could my life have really gone any other way? It was life-altering, of course, but so would any other decision, with reference to the Japan-path. Path-relativism, my friends.
But, even forgetting about path-relativism for a moment, the fact is that the decision to go to Japan was not so much a decision, but was actually equivalent to the act of recognizing all the signs pointing in the direction of: YES:
I had been learning Japanese
My relationships with my friends were stringing me out
I wanted to clean up off of booze (HA! Japan did a lot of good for that!)
I wanted to avoid getting a job/working for the man
I wanted to get some Japanese pooooooooon (HA!)
I wanted to learn about a significantly different culture
I wanted solitude
etc. etc. etc.
What other decision was there? In what sense was this even a decision?
Now, see, now we're just talking in one dimension -> the "is it a good idea?" dimension. Because, don't get me wrong, I'm not marrying Jen because it's a good idea. But it certainly is.
I mean, life here, life with her, is great. Is tremendous. Not necessarily always happy, but always great. Like, I try to watch movies these days and they seem dull in comparison.
But life is happy in a lot of ways. I'm in better shape than I've been in in years. I eat better. I have more sex. I am actually working on projects I care about. I'm making money. Things are going pretty well. And there are issues, of course, there are always issues. Time is such an issue, perspective is another.
But this isn't even why I'm marrying her. Because, after all, how do I know if the future will be happy? She just had some crappy crap go on with one of her friends which is going to make the next few months significantly more difficult (basically, he promised her a job, and is now withdrawing that promise at the last moment). Anything could go wrong. i could lose my hands in a chainsaw accident. Who knows?
---
See, because there is more to the marriage than meets the eye, more to it than these simple rationalizations that Jen and I conjure up from time to time.
I sometimes thing it's about sympathy. I mean, here's this woman who grew up under totally different circumstances, and somehow we understand each other ridiculously well. Sexually, emotionally, physically, intellectually.
There are some times when I'm talking to Jen and I feel like we are actually communicating at the level of mind. This only happens with a few other people I know.
---
But see, that's just deep friendship. Where's the content? Where's the nucleus of it all?
Is it just plain old attraction?
Like, not sexual, necessarily. But just like heroin draws you back over and over, maybe we're addicted to each other? Maybe the wedding is saying that we're ok with this.
Honestly, can I imagine life without Jen? She's only been gone for a week and it hurts like a motherfucker.
---
I think it's actually much simpler.
I actually feel at home, here, like I haven't for so long.
I feel as if I can relax a little, in a most crucial way, finally.
---
Now obviously I'm not done. I want to talk about what I mean by "home." Because it's very specific.
It has to do with singularity in the most denotational sense - I simply can't imagine this life any other way, right now. I can't imagine going back to any other place day after day. I can't imagine resting anywhere else. I can't imagine being as vulnerable anywhere else, living as simply anywhere else.
I feel some degree of guilt because maybe this comes off as implying something about my relationship to 151. I felt a lot of things there - free, creative, inspired, happy, hopeful, supported - but this feeling of vulnerability and simplicity was definitely lacking. It makes me really sad, actually, to think of it. And I am definitely just now struck by a wave of nostalgia. There was something so pretty and gritty about it. But it didn't feel permanent. It felt like it had to end. I never unpacked my room!
I can't tell if it was because of me, or because of Emma/Jason/Raju, or because of everyone. The question of "the future" was always a bit strained. Where were we going? I wonder if I'll be able to make a committment to them in the future? I think that there's definitely a part of me that would be extremely happy living with them in close quarters again, at some point.
I can't tell if this newfound feeling of "home" is somewhat antithetical to flexibility. Is it realistic to think that I could ever live near Jason again?Are commitments to other mortals "allowed?" Is this committment to Jen the "deepest" one possible? Does it trump all?
---
Maybe it is the longest term? Maybe it is the cornerstone. I actually kind of like this definition.
I mean, let's be serious and simple, here. Jen and I get a lot of things out of this relationship, besides all the higher-level emotions. We both get sex, we both get companionship during irritating times (doing laundry), we get encouragement, perspective, etc.
This relationship really is a cornerstone of a life to be constructed. And, as much as my inner Enlightened self is screaming at me that "nothing is permanent," I want it to be. I am greedy for the things that Jen gives me, the things that her presence allows me to do.
---
Anyway, I hope that all of this is not read as masturbatory or self-congratulatory. I'm about to make a really big move in the game of life and I want to make sure that it is as transparent as possible.
-Chris