(no subject)
It's Christmas Eve and I am sitting at work and feeling more than a little low on myself. This year has been one of the most fucked up that I have had in a long time. I wouldn't say that it was the worst year of my life, but damn, it comes pretty freaking close.
I think this year saw the end of a lot of the hopes and dreams that I had. I feel more cynical, less ethereal and don;t really know what that is going to mean. I am making plans for the future, but the truth is, there is no real passion behind any of them. I can't seem to muster the enthusiasm I once had or pull the fire that used to drive me back to the surface. I think that it went out to tell you the truth
Which of course brings me to my hopes for the New Year. I am(was/will be) planning to try and go overseas to teach english. In terms of an adventure, I think it would be a fabulous one that I would enjoy immensely, but a lot is going to depend on what the Doctor's have to say about my allergies. From what I understand the country I am planning on going too is quite rife with mold, which is part of the reason I left Vancouver. I also don't know if I will be able to afford to go as I begin to figure out the amount of money that I will need to spend before I go it seems like it is so terribly far out of reach. So much remains to be seen on that front that I really don't know what is going to happen.
Speaking of health, I want to try and live a bit better, try to feel a bit better and not be so ill all the time. I am tired, so very very tired of every year having some kind of health struggle, something to make me feel like ass. I'm running out of strength to keep fighting. I keep a lot of those issues to myself because, frankly, its no ones business how healthy or unhealthy I am, but this year was a really bad one. I need to figure out what is doing it and that means changing how I live.
I have also decided to change tactics, I have spent so much of my life hoping to find one person that I can spend it with, to find that one person that will truly "get me" in all the ways th I need, but the truth is, and it has been a hard truth to accept, that it ain't gonna happen. I'm finally fine with that as I no longer have the patience to deal with another person's crap or expectations. The "soul mate" dream is dead for me and while I feel like I am abandoning a part of myself, a part of my "happy ending", its time to grow up and realize that there are no happy endings, just a lot of mediocre middles that string together to form everyday life.
So my hope for the next year? To be able to write a few more poems, feel a bit better and surrender myself to whatever fate has in store for me and hope as little as I possibly can. Hell, I might even just stay at home for New Year's Eve.
I think this year saw the end of a lot of the hopes and dreams that I had. I feel more cynical, less ethereal and don;t really know what that is going to mean. I am making plans for the future, but the truth is, there is no real passion behind any of them. I can't seem to muster the enthusiasm I once had or pull the fire that used to drive me back to the surface. I think that it went out to tell you the truth
Which of course brings me to my hopes for the New Year. I am(was/will be) planning to try and go overseas to teach english. In terms of an adventure, I think it would be a fabulous one that I would enjoy immensely, but a lot is going to depend on what the Doctor's have to say about my allergies. From what I understand the country I am planning on going too is quite rife with mold, which is part of the reason I left Vancouver. I also don't know if I will be able to afford to go as I begin to figure out the amount of money that I will need to spend before I go it seems like it is so terribly far out of reach. So much remains to be seen on that front that I really don't know what is going to happen.
Speaking of health, I want to try and live a bit better, try to feel a bit better and not be so ill all the time. I am tired, so very very tired of every year having some kind of health struggle, something to make me feel like ass. I'm running out of strength to keep fighting. I keep a lot of those issues to myself because, frankly, its no ones business how healthy or unhealthy I am, but this year was a really bad one. I need to figure out what is doing it and that means changing how I live.
I have also decided to change tactics, I have spent so much of my life hoping to find one person that I can spend it with, to find that one person that will truly "get me" in all the ways th I need, but the truth is, and it has been a hard truth to accept, that it ain't gonna happen. I'm finally fine with that as I no longer have the patience to deal with another person's crap or expectations. The "soul mate" dream is dead for me and while I feel like I am abandoning a part of myself, a part of my "happy ending", its time to grow up and realize that there are no happy endings, just a lot of mediocre middles that string together to form everyday life.
So my hope for the next year? To be able to write a few more poems, feel a bit better and surrender myself to whatever fate has in store for me and hope as little as I possibly can. Hell, I might even just stay at home for New Year's Eve.