What a fun life
So I had a great time last night wanted to go out with friends, ended up in a docters office.
So this is what my doc had to say. I gave myself an Ashma attack and my blood pressure was pretty high. Psyically he couldn't ifnd anything wrong though so he started asking me about my night. So after a short conversation he decided that I'm way to stress so he says stop being so stressful. Well that sounds alot easier then it is. I've spent most of the day trying to figgure out what cause's me so much stress and this is my list so far.
1) Work
2) Quiting pot
3) Everyone I know keeps dying
4) Tara
5) My brain
And those the the bigest stress probelms. My brian should be higher on the list but it involes all of those things. My brain never quits talking to me. It's why I smoked pot to shut it up. But I don't do that anymore. SO now it jsut runs rampet and it never shuts up. I think of everything. I think about the people I see, people I know and love and what could be happening. Mostly negative things like wondering if there safe or not.
My next biggest stress is Tara. I love her like no other woman, and latly we've been spending time together again and patching things up. We get random people who think were still dating and thats what brought out our desire to fix things, well that and she was pretty surpised when her own brother took an interest in her love life and said he missed me. But She still is going to see this norbert guy. And I fear, I mean I'm terrified that she will vist him she'll find him to be like me and she'll love being in a new place and she'll just forget about the love we had and me. WEll I don't think she'll ever forget about me. But I think she'll forget about me in that way. And I don't think I even desever her cause I can't find work. And i don't want to be with her unless I can support myself Fiancailly. See and I also stress over the things I want to do with her. I want to take her out and show her a good time, but I can't afford too, and more then anything everything we say good bye. I want to tell her how much I love her or just say I love you and hear it back. But I can't. It also ties into my brain that I'm always wondering whats' going on inside her head. Last night we were out and I knew nothing was happening but I kept watching and thinking I saw things going on that weren't. And I knew it. I'd close my eys and tell my brain to shut up it's imagianing things and it wouldn't stop. It'd just always be like Look there trying to hold hands, we got in the movie and I sat beside tara and the guy asked me to move and I got so jealous and thought she was cuddling with him in the movie but I knew she wasn't.
Shortly after all that my chest started to hurt. But I just tried ignoring it cause I wanted her to have a good time and not to worry about me. About 2 hours later I was fighting off tears in my eyes due to the pain and by now they'd clued in that something was wrong with me. Tara wanted to take me home but I think I forced her to stay there and jsut worry over me. I got on a train to come home and started to have trouble breathing. I decided I'd walk the train to walk it off. Thanks to a large bump in the rail I fell over and hit my head on a steel pole. That hurt now I have a headache. So this woman stands up to help me and says I really look like I need a docter. So I agree call my friend to pick me up when I get dropped off.
So I need to change my ways and I don't know where to start. But right at this momment stress is killing me litterly. So I need to be alot more careful now. Well that was a nice rant thanks for listening.
So this is what my doc had to say. I gave myself an Ashma attack and my blood pressure was pretty high. Psyically he couldn't ifnd anything wrong though so he started asking me about my night. So after a short conversation he decided that I'm way to stress so he says stop being so stressful. Well that sounds alot easier then it is. I've spent most of the day trying to figgure out what cause's me so much stress and this is my list so far.
1) Work
2) Quiting pot
3) Everyone I know keeps dying
4) Tara
5) My brain
And those the the bigest stress probelms. My brian should be higher on the list but it involes all of those things. My brain never quits talking to me. It's why I smoked pot to shut it up. But I don't do that anymore. SO now it jsut runs rampet and it never shuts up. I think of everything. I think about the people I see, people I know and love and what could be happening. Mostly negative things like wondering if there safe or not.
My next biggest stress is Tara. I love her like no other woman, and latly we've been spending time together again and patching things up. We get random people who think were still dating and thats what brought out our desire to fix things, well that and she was pretty surpised when her own brother took an interest in her love life and said he missed me. But She still is going to see this norbert guy. And I fear, I mean I'm terrified that she will vist him she'll find him to be like me and she'll love being in a new place and she'll just forget about the love we had and me. WEll I don't think she'll ever forget about me. But I think she'll forget about me in that way. And I don't think I even desever her cause I can't find work. And i don't want to be with her unless I can support myself Fiancailly. See and I also stress over the things I want to do with her. I want to take her out and show her a good time, but I can't afford too, and more then anything everything we say good bye. I want to tell her how much I love her or just say I love you and hear it back. But I can't. It also ties into my brain that I'm always wondering whats' going on inside her head. Last night we were out and I knew nothing was happening but I kept watching and thinking I saw things going on that weren't. And I knew it. I'd close my eys and tell my brain to shut up it's imagianing things and it wouldn't stop. It'd just always be like Look there trying to hold hands, we got in the movie and I sat beside tara and the guy asked me to move and I got so jealous and thought she was cuddling with him in the movie but I knew she wasn't.
Shortly after all that my chest started to hurt. But I just tried ignoring it cause I wanted her to have a good time and not to worry about me. About 2 hours later I was fighting off tears in my eyes due to the pain and by now they'd clued in that something was wrong with me. Tara wanted to take me home but I think I forced her to stay there and jsut worry over me. I got on a train to come home and started to have trouble breathing. I decided I'd walk the train to walk it off. Thanks to a large bump in the rail I fell over and hit my head on a steel pole. That hurt now I have a headache. So this woman stands up to help me and says I really look like I need a docter. So I agree call my friend to pick me up when I get dropped off.
So I need to change my ways and I don't know where to start. But right at this momment stress is killing me litterly. So I need to be alot more careful now. Well that was a nice rant thanks for listening.