(no subject)
I can't believe it is really happening. I mean I'm going to New York this weekend for an invite only Tisch party deal and I still can't believe I'll be going to the absolute college of my dreams, and leaving the man of my dreams for it. It's not that I'm torn, because really I'm not, I'm going to college, but my heart is breaking into a million little pieces at the thought of having to leave the one I love so deeply. As we have discussed, this relationship if given the chance could lead to a very fulfilling life for the both of us, but we are being ripped apart by circumstance. Blah. I am sooooo in love with him, I almost can't picture not being with him anymore, not being held by him when I'm feeling sad, not hearing his soothing voice in person, not having him brush away my tears, not getting the shit fucked out of me, not feeling like I'm the most important thing in the room when I'm with him. GRRRRRRRRRRRR! The worst thing about it is that before, before I knew I was leaving, back when it was only a wish to be at NYU I teared up at the very thought of leaving him, but now, now thatit is real, now that it's in earnest that I'll be gone, I can't find the tears, maybe its because...no, I don't know. I want to cry, I want to show my utter and total devastation, and I feel as though if I don't show my feelings through tears, he may not,or others may not believe that what I feel for him is as deep a love as I have for him, but it is real. I love him with all my heart and sole. If he were to propose I'd say yes, stil go to NYU, but as a married woman. But that will not be the case, I'll go not only not married but as a single woman and I don't think my heart can take that. I'll live, obviously, but for a moment in time that will be a life of saddness. Why the F*** did I fall in love knowing it would be short lived. What the hell was I thinking? Cause now after such a great high as I am experiencing now in the love that we have for eachother, I will fall only that much harder. ROAR (Like a lionness)