10 Star Trek Kirk/Spock fan fic rants
1. Please mark your fics as reboot or TOS. I read both, but it gives me a headache when I spend half of the fic trying to figure out which starship/character/universe I'm supposed to be imagining in my head. If I have to read one more ambigous fic that is pretty good except for the fact that halfway through I realize it's TOS because Kirk is described as having hazel eyes and I thought it was reboot so now my mental video of the scene is fucked. Most of the time it's easy because I can look at the posting date and know it's TOS or the style in which it's written, but you have stories without dates in archives that house both and the characters are a little OCC so it's ambiguous.
2. Star Trek fandom, no more fucking always-a-girl fics. They were born as boys for a reason. It wouldn't be so bad these stories were the minority as they are in most other fandoms, but it's hard to find regular genderswap among this horse shit. I don't care about Jen Kirk, m'kay? I want Jim Kirk pissed that he's on his period.
3. Yes Vulcans kiss with their hands, and yes they feel more through their hands than humans do. However, no more hand porn fics. About a dozen or so of these fic will suffice, not 1,000,000. Find a new kink, people. I'd rather read Spock fucking a tree, that's how little imagination the rest of this fandom has. I have to give that shitty fic points for creativity, god damn.
4. Of all the planets and places they go to on the Enterprise, why do Kirk and Spock seem to only have sex in their quarters? Don't get me started on the captain's chair.
5. Fuck it, how in the hell can Kirk and Spock fuck in the Captain's chair? Look, there are several problems with this. A starship is like an airplane, meaning that there always is a crew on the bridge driving the thing, for one. Even if you explain that the ship is undergoing maintenance and is docked, there are still video cameras capturing every sordid thing you do for blackmail. The only time I have seen this done right (?) is a non-con fic where Kirk is forced into sex on the bridge in front of his crew and it was very edgy. Other than these extenuating circumstances, it's just boring and cliche.
6. TOS fic writers: Don't write sex scenes unless they're vague. I don't know what it is, but a good portion of TOS sex scenes are flowery and full of "I love yous" and "t'hy'las" and "ZOMG, UR MY 1 TRU LUV!!" Let's not even talk about cheesy things like comparing Kirk's hair to the sun or Spock's eyes like deep pools of limpid smoldering fire shrouded in moonlight.
7. Reboot fic writers: Dispense with the word "t'hy'la" unless you first hint that they've been BFFs for at least a couple of years and you show us how close they are before using it. I'm so sick of Spock throwing that word around. Look, in summation, it means soulmate. I doubt someone like Spock would admit that knid of thing to himself without a lot of time and thought to work through it. Hell, I bet it would be hard for these two to even reach the point of best friend, and if you throw sex in, they'd have to work though that and maybe find love at the end of it. I've just heard this somewhere today: A show/movie series/book series/whatever already knows the endpoint, so they unnaturally speed up the characters' relationships to get there. See: Merlin, Smallville, TOS. We know the destiny of Kirk and Spock, so reboot authors tend to get them together too quickly and with little build.
8. Spock is a virgin, or at the very least he's only had one sexual partner. The movie franchise itself may disagree with me, but I'm going off of my knowledge of TOS and who Spock is as a character. Consider the following:
*He's Vulcan: These guys kiss with their hands because if you do more in public, that's an unwarranted display of emotions.
*Spock felt shame in TOS for even feeling friendship for Kirk. He won't let himself feel too deeply.
*Sex is an emotional experience. There is no logic to having sex except for procreation, so I doubt Spock is spreading his seed all over the place.
*Vulcans are not considered adults until their first Pon Farr. Spock can have sex sure, but it's just another reason Spock wouldn't feel the need.
*Say what you will about Uhura, but if you're going to make me buy them as a couple, then I believe that Uhura knows all this and is very practical and understanding of Vulcan ways.
*Read all of the above and tell me that Spock has sex with several people. WTH
So if you're going to have Spock have sex with Uhura, it can't be a normal relationship-type thing. To get to that point, Spock would have to overcome severe mental and cultural barriers, and by then you've bypassed slash and went straight to het, so K/S is either a moot point or you'd have to weave such a huge relationship in with K/S, and I've never liked sloppy seconds with that kind of love. :P
9. Stop writing Chapel, reboot writers. I haven't liked a single one, because the only Chapel I know of is TOS Chapel, and she pwns all.
10. Unless you fucking rock, please don't write Star Trek AUs that have Spock as a human or something. A very small handful actually breaks this mold, but for the most part I just have to say this: YOU'RE WRITING IN A FANDOM IN WHICH YOU CAN TIME TRAVEL, GENDERSWAP, SLIDE THROUGH ALTERNATE DIMENSIONS THEMSELVES, AND YET YOU FEEL THE NEED TO HAVE SPOCK BE A GUY THAT PAINTS ON A STREET CORNER. TOS fic knows this, how about you?
Bonus rant: There is no need to spend a long time in preparing Spock for anal sex, as it would be different with his first time. Why? Vulcans have crazy control over their bodies, can put themselves into healing trances, but more germane to the conversation, can control their own blood flow, heartbeat, and bodily organs. I think he'd be able to do something simple like relax his anus, don't you?
2. Star Trek fandom, no more fucking always-a-girl fics. They were born as boys for a reason. It wouldn't be so bad these stories were the minority as they are in most other fandoms, but it's hard to find regular genderswap among this horse shit. I don't care about Jen Kirk, m'kay? I want Jim Kirk pissed that he's on his period.
3. Yes Vulcans kiss with their hands, and yes they feel more through their hands than humans do. However, no more hand porn fics. About a dozen or so of these fic will suffice, not 1,000,000. Find a new kink, people. I'd rather read Spock fucking a tree, that's how little imagination the rest of this fandom has. I have to give that shitty fic points for creativity, god damn.
4. Of all the planets and places they go to on the Enterprise, why do Kirk and Spock seem to only have sex in their quarters? Don't get me started on the captain's chair.
5. Fuck it, how in the hell can Kirk and Spock fuck in the Captain's chair? Look, there are several problems with this. A starship is like an airplane, meaning that there always is a crew on the bridge driving the thing, for one. Even if you explain that the ship is undergoing maintenance and is docked, there are still video cameras capturing every sordid thing you do for blackmail. The only time I have seen this done right (?) is a non-con fic where Kirk is forced into sex on the bridge in front of his crew and it was very edgy. Other than these extenuating circumstances, it's just boring and cliche.
6. TOS fic writers: Don't write sex scenes unless they're vague. I don't know what it is, but a good portion of TOS sex scenes are flowery and full of "I love yous" and "t'hy'las" and "ZOMG, UR MY 1 TRU LUV!!" Let's not even talk about cheesy things like comparing Kirk's hair to the sun or Spock's eyes like deep pools of limpid smoldering fire shrouded in moonlight.
7. Reboot fic writers: Dispense with the word "t'hy'la" unless you first hint that they've been BFFs for at least a couple of years and you show us how close they are before using it. I'm so sick of Spock throwing that word around. Look, in summation, it means soulmate. I doubt someone like Spock would admit that knid of thing to himself without a lot of time and thought to work through it. Hell, I bet it would be hard for these two to even reach the point of best friend, and if you throw sex in, they'd have to work though that and maybe find love at the end of it. I've just heard this somewhere today: A show/movie series/book series/whatever already knows the endpoint, so they unnaturally speed up the characters' relationships to get there. See: Merlin, Smallville, TOS. We know the destiny of Kirk and Spock, so reboot authors tend to get them together too quickly and with little build.
8. Spock is a virgin, or at the very least he's only had one sexual partner. The movie franchise itself may disagree with me, but I'm going off of my knowledge of TOS and who Spock is as a character. Consider the following:
*He's Vulcan: These guys kiss with their hands because if you do more in public, that's an unwarranted display of emotions.
*Spock felt shame in TOS for even feeling friendship for Kirk. He won't let himself feel too deeply.
*Sex is an emotional experience. There is no logic to having sex except for procreation, so I doubt Spock is spreading his seed all over the place.
*Vulcans are not considered adults until their first Pon Farr. Spock can have sex sure, but it's just another reason Spock wouldn't feel the need.
*Say what you will about Uhura, but if you're going to make me buy them as a couple, then I believe that Uhura knows all this and is very practical and understanding of Vulcan ways.
*Read all of the above and tell me that Spock has sex with several people. WTH
So if you're going to have Spock have sex with Uhura, it can't be a normal relationship-type thing. To get to that point, Spock would have to overcome severe mental and cultural barriers, and by then you've bypassed slash and went straight to het, so K/S is either a moot point or you'd have to weave such a huge relationship in with K/S, and I've never liked sloppy seconds with that kind of love. :P
9. Stop writing Chapel, reboot writers. I haven't liked a single one, because the only Chapel I know of is TOS Chapel, and she pwns all.
10. Unless you fucking rock, please don't write Star Trek AUs that have Spock as a human or something. A very small handful actually breaks this mold, but for the most part I just have to say this: YOU'RE WRITING IN A FANDOM IN WHICH YOU CAN TIME TRAVEL, GENDERSWAP, SLIDE THROUGH ALTERNATE DIMENSIONS THEMSELVES, AND YET YOU FEEL THE NEED TO HAVE SPOCK BE A GUY THAT PAINTS ON A STREET CORNER. TOS fic knows this, how about you?
Bonus rant: There is no need to spend a long time in preparing Spock for anal sex, as it would be different with his first time. Why? Vulcans have crazy control over their bodies, can put themselves into healing trances, but more germane to the conversation, can control their own blood flow, heartbeat, and bodily organs. I think he'd be able to do something simple like relax his anus, don't you?