Talk About An Interesting Day
So today was rather interesting. I finally saw Jessie for the first time since she's been on her Mid-Winter break, only to find out that she basically hates me now and no longer feels that time we spend together is time enjoyed, rather time she has to put up with me. Of course it's my fault because of things I say and suggest, even if i'm joking.
(To all of you who read this, if you have an opinion about how I treat Jessie, or ask her how she can put up with me, be fucking accountable and let yourself known. I'm so fucking tired of all you motherfuckers running behind my back with all your "opinions" but you won't fucking man up and say it to me! So if you have an opinion or something to say but your to big of a pussy to say it in a fashion where ALL of us including myself can hear you then just shut your fucking mouths.)
I'm sure i've never been perfect nor will I ever be and I understand I have my flaws like everyone else, but to look her in the eyes today and see the absolute bitterness she holds towards me now is rather heartbreaking and unsettling. To go from Sunday hearing her say that she's having a moral dilemma and that her heart is SCREAMING at her to be with me again, to what I saw today is simply uncomprehendable. I was under the belief that whatever type of relationship I had with Jessie was a good solid one with all the previous background and foundation we had. Tonight I sit here writing this only being able to feel as if it was all a shallow front. I can honestly say that I haden't felt so distached from her since she starting sleeping with Nathan Wolfe. It was like everything I had worked on to make myself appealing to her in every way possible just vanished before my very eyes. Like watching all the water evaporate out of the pot instantly, i'm left feeling that I must try and fill the pot again. On the other hand i'm kind of hesitent. She told me today that she would give me a chance to try and fix what I have done. Personally hearing that SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! That line was the entrance to the enividable. The last time that line spilled from her mouth was our one year anniversary when I learned just how bad the stability of my relationship with Jessica really was. Five days later I was left for dead as the one thing I cherished most in my life was taken right before my very presense.
In saying that she would give me a chance to fix what was broken, or basically be nice she slipped in a comment about how i've earned that right. This is what's toiling around in my head and making me leary or the situation. I have to agree in the fact that I feel that by now I would have earned the right for a second chance, i've given her two and i'm undecided about a possible third, but what I wonder is if she just knows that's the right thing to do, or if that's what she really wants. Studying her body language and closely listening to the tone or her voice I honestly feel that she just looks at this as the right thing to do. I cannot explain to all of you reading this what I felt looking at her and listening to what she had to say. She honestly sounded like she genuinely just didn't give a flying fuck about me anymore, and that everything we had before meant absolulty nothing to her and that the only thing important was that I always make her feel like shit and rip her down and that she was to a point where if I didn't change I wasn't going to see her anymore, or at least I wasn't going to see her until she was ready to put up with a night of my shit again.
Now i've said some mean things in a joking fashion to her that I feel was taken a little to seriously, but after she said everything that was on her mind it took about every ounce of courage in my body to not break down and cry. I just wanted to sit there and ball my eyes out. To hear someone i've cared soooooooooooooooooooooo much about and loved so dearly look me dead in the eyes and tell me that when we spend time together more often than not she ends her night feeling like shit, or torn down in some other way. I'm just going to have to not say anything anymore. I'm going to have to try and monitor myself in everything I say, and I know right now that after what transpired today i'm going to be scared shitless, afraid of saying something that might be taken the wrong way and looked down upon for it later. (It's getting hard to finish this, i'm finding that tears tend to blurr your vision.) I feel like such an asshole in that i've taken the person that was the love of my life and at one point the mother to be of my child and pushed her this far away. What I wouldn't give to have it all back and do it right, where she wouldn't instantly react a certain way to something I say, where she wouldn't of felt she had to leave me in the first place at all.
To summarize and close all I can say is that I guess I fucked up, and I guess good this time. Something I found as comical has pulled someone dear to me away from me and for that I hate myself. I hate myself because I don't always understand that things I say in a joking matter are taken serious by others and effect them emotionally more then I realize.
So for you Jessica; I'm sorry for everything i've done, i'm sorry for not being the great person you once thought me out to be. I apologize for saying the things I do joking or not, and making you feel the way you do because of those things I say. I'll understand if it's too late and the damage I have caused you is irreverseable. However I believe deep in my heart that you have forgiveness and that deep inside your heart you still have a vision of that white picket fence, with the tire swing in the willow tree, and the kids playing in the backyard, but lastly I still believe you when you say that you've found the one for you and you know it's me, and you still want to symbolize that by continuing the wear my ring on your hand. Don't ever forget that through thick and thin, or with nothing else left, i'll always love you and you'll always have a place in my heart.
(To all of you who read this, if you have an opinion about how I treat Jessie, or ask her how she can put up with me, be fucking accountable and let yourself known. I'm so fucking tired of all you motherfuckers running behind my back with all your "opinions" but you won't fucking man up and say it to me! So if you have an opinion or something to say but your to big of a pussy to say it in a fashion where ALL of us including myself can hear you then just shut your fucking mouths.)
I'm sure i've never been perfect nor will I ever be and I understand I have my flaws like everyone else, but to look her in the eyes today and see the absolute bitterness she holds towards me now is rather heartbreaking and unsettling. To go from Sunday hearing her say that she's having a moral dilemma and that her heart is SCREAMING at her to be with me again, to what I saw today is simply uncomprehendable. I was under the belief that whatever type of relationship I had with Jessie was a good solid one with all the previous background and foundation we had. Tonight I sit here writing this only being able to feel as if it was all a shallow front. I can honestly say that I haden't felt so distached from her since she starting sleeping with Nathan Wolfe. It was like everything I had worked on to make myself appealing to her in every way possible just vanished before my very eyes. Like watching all the water evaporate out of the pot instantly, i'm left feeling that I must try and fill the pot again. On the other hand i'm kind of hesitent. She told me today that she would give me a chance to try and fix what I have done. Personally hearing that SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! That line was the entrance to the enividable. The last time that line spilled from her mouth was our one year anniversary when I learned just how bad the stability of my relationship with Jessica really was. Five days later I was left for dead as the one thing I cherished most in my life was taken right before my very presense.
In saying that she would give me a chance to fix what was broken, or basically be nice she slipped in a comment about how i've earned that right. This is what's toiling around in my head and making me leary or the situation. I have to agree in the fact that I feel that by now I would have earned the right for a second chance, i've given her two and i'm undecided about a possible third, but what I wonder is if she just knows that's the right thing to do, or if that's what she really wants. Studying her body language and closely listening to the tone or her voice I honestly feel that she just looks at this as the right thing to do. I cannot explain to all of you reading this what I felt looking at her and listening to what she had to say. She honestly sounded like she genuinely just didn't give a flying fuck about me anymore, and that everything we had before meant absolulty nothing to her and that the only thing important was that I always make her feel like shit and rip her down and that she was to a point where if I didn't change I wasn't going to see her anymore, or at least I wasn't going to see her until she was ready to put up with a night of my shit again.
Now i've said some mean things in a joking fashion to her that I feel was taken a little to seriously, but after she said everything that was on her mind it took about every ounce of courage in my body to not break down and cry. I just wanted to sit there and ball my eyes out. To hear someone i've cared soooooooooooooooooooooo much about and loved so dearly look me dead in the eyes and tell me that when we spend time together more often than not she ends her night feeling like shit, or torn down in some other way. I'm just going to have to not say anything anymore. I'm going to have to try and monitor myself in everything I say, and I know right now that after what transpired today i'm going to be scared shitless, afraid of saying something that might be taken the wrong way and looked down upon for it later. (It's getting hard to finish this, i'm finding that tears tend to blurr your vision.) I feel like such an asshole in that i've taken the person that was the love of my life and at one point the mother to be of my child and pushed her this far away. What I wouldn't give to have it all back and do it right, where she wouldn't instantly react a certain way to something I say, where she wouldn't of felt she had to leave me in the first place at all.
To summarize and close all I can say is that I guess I fucked up, and I guess good this time. Something I found as comical has pulled someone dear to me away from me and for that I hate myself. I hate myself because I don't always understand that things I say in a joking matter are taken serious by others and effect them emotionally more then I realize.
So for you Jessica; I'm sorry for everything i've done, i'm sorry for not being the great person you once thought me out to be. I apologize for saying the things I do joking or not, and making you feel the way you do because of those things I say. I'll understand if it's too late and the damage I have caused you is irreverseable. However I believe deep in my heart that you have forgiveness and that deep inside your heart you still have a vision of that white picket fence, with the tire swing in the willow tree, and the kids playing in the backyard, but lastly I still believe you when you say that you've found the one for you and you know it's me, and you still want to symbolize that by continuing the wear my ring on your hand. Don't ever forget that through thick and thin, or with nothing else left, i'll always love you and you'll always have a place in my heart.