...
decisions that i would like to make today:
i'm going to change my major.... to what?
i must schedule my classes.... but what do i take?
i'm a little stressed..... because
i don't know.
i don't know who i am right now....
so many things are happening right now... that i don't have the best control over....
and that's not me.
i'm always in control...
always...
but not this time...
my life is changing, and i don't know where it's supposed to go.... and it's scaring me.
i'm an english major, italian minor.... but i don't want the major anymore.... because i hate it.
i love writing when i feel compelled to do it.... but not when i'm forced to.... NOT when i'm forced to.
i realize that all literature is considered amazing.... but i DONT LIKE some of it... and i feel like i'm allowed to feel that way....
i'm allowed to NOT LIKE everything, but i should have a place to let that out, and express WHY.... but in the classes i'm taking, we just delve more INTO the text, instead of what it makes us feel... and why.....
and i want to cry.
when did FEELING go away???
when did EMOTIONAL RESPONSE vanish???
blah.
so on february first, i started changes....
it worked.... about half of it...
the least important half of it.... worked.
as for the other half?
i can't do it.
i can't...
there is something holding me back.... from just jumping in.
and i don't know what it is....
because in my heart, i want it.
but something in my head... or soul.... is holding me back...
as if to say i have things to take care of before i can DO it.
it says that... but then does not show me WHAT to take care of....
and i'm confused.
and it makes me upset.
especially when i take a step back from it all *this is what i do to DE stress these days*
and all i can see.... is that what i'm NOT DOING..... is the most influential part of my life.
what i'm STOPPING MYSELF from DOING..... is what WILL BE RELEVANT a WEEK, a MONTH, a YEAR..... a DECADE from now.
and THAT is what is most frustrating.
and it makes me want to cry....
and so i do...
and then i realize that i'm crying about something that i can help.
but i don't know how.
i don't know how.
<3help<3
i'm going to change my major.... to what?
i must schedule my classes.... but what do i take?
i'm a little stressed..... because
i don't know.
i don't know who i am right now....
so many things are happening right now... that i don't have the best control over....
and that's not me.
i'm always in control...
always...
but not this time...
my life is changing, and i don't know where it's supposed to go.... and it's scaring me.
i'm an english major, italian minor.... but i don't want the major anymore.... because i hate it.
i love writing when i feel compelled to do it.... but not when i'm forced to.... NOT when i'm forced to.
i realize that all literature is considered amazing.... but i DONT LIKE some of it... and i feel like i'm allowed to feel that way....
i'm allowed to NOT LIKE everything, but i should have a place to let that out, and express WHY.... but in the classes i'm taking, we just delve more INTO the text, instead of what it makes us feel... and why.....
and i want to cry.
when did FEELING go away???
when did EMOTIONAL RESPONSE vanish???
blah.
so on february first, i started changes....
it worked.... about half of it...
the least important half of it.... worked.
as for the other half?
i can't do it.
i can't...
there is something holding me back.... from just jumping in.
and i don't know what it is....
because in my heart, i want it.
but something in my head... or soul.... is holding me back...
as if to say i have things to take care of before i can DO it.
it says that... but then does not show me WHAT to take care of....
and i'm confused.
and it makes me upset.
especially when i take a step back from it all *this is what i do to DE stress these days*
and all i can see.... is that what i'm NOT DOING..... is the most influential part of my life.
what i'm STOPPING MYSELF from DOING..... is what WILL BE RELEVANT a WEEK, a MONTH, a YEAR..... a DECADE from now.
and THAT is what is most frustrating.
and it makes me want to cry....
and so i do...
and then i realize that i'm crying about something that i can help.
but i don't know how.
i don't know how.
<3help<3