Life: Updated - 2015
It feels like walking into a strange museum chronicling my life when I come back here. I dust the cobwebs off and look back at little moments caught for all time on digital paper, indelible ink, at the mercy of some hidden server or another that decides when and if this 10-year chunk of my lifespan will disappear into the ether, never to be seen again.
And so, to restart the clock, and let you know I am not dead - I post.
At last post, I was back in the wind, job-wise. I spent six miserable weeks working for a local trucking/road sign company where I had almost literally nothing to do all day, before being told (on a Sunday, no less) that my services were no longer going to be required. Within that hour I had an interview back at Rite Aid Corporate, went to the interview on Monday, and nailed it. I spent another three months stressed, sick off and on, and feeling like I was at the breaking point - when I was invited back to my old department by my old manager. I was to take over administration of the project I had helped out on. And so I did - with one twist. The girl who originally administrated it was having a baby...and decided not to return. So after two long years of uncertainty, I finally found myself a permanent place work-wise. I love my job right now and I am learning and growing so, so much all the time. I feel like I've found my "place" amidst the storm of the last few years.
I feel almost like I have PTSD, though. Like this is all a dream and the rug is going to be pulled out from under me at any moment. I may be going back to the doctor to discuss anxiety medication again, as well as treatment for my ADHD.
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I am still seeing my "gentleman caller", who is now my boyfriend! We've known known one another and have been dating for just over two years at this point. We are still long-distance, generally seeing each other every 2-3 weeks at this point. It is hard to say goodbye at the end of a visit, and I wonder what the future will bring, but for the moment I am trying to just enjoy being in love again without thinking too far ahead. Trying to extrapolate 2, 4, 6 years in the future is simply a way to make yourself crazy for no real, present reason. Also, post-divorce dating, with another post-divorcee, is a bit more of a slow, languid, less desperate dance than pre-marriage dating was. It is a more cautious, somewhat more frightened flitting of two participants who bear both deep scars, and deep fears based on experiences others have not had.
I can't say my experiences being married did not change me. I am perhaps a bit more cynical and jaded than I used to be. I'm a bit more apt to put things down quickly when it feels like something is really wrong rather than try to fix it. But I feel that with the pain came a wisdom that I've been able to use to help others. Like a blaze on a fallow pasture, divorce burned away many of the things that did not matter anymore, and let a generous amount of sunlight and new life back into my world. I still keep in touch with my ex somewhat, but it is now a more distant friendship. I fear for my ex's future, but in the same breath I know it is his own to make or unmake.
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I am *attempting* to get back into horses after a long absence. I have been trying to find someone to learn groundwork from, or who I can take carriage-driving lessons from. I've considered buying a driving mini or donkey as a more cost-effective equine to have in my life, and I'm gravitating more towards the donkey. I don't feel comfortable riding right now - not with the current weight situation and my lack of fitness. The first time I tried to get into a big road cart I about broke myself. I was doing well until things went nuts last year for me job-wise, and I've definitely gained some weight back. I'll be doing as much as I possibly can in the coming months to get fitter, but I think depression and a long winter have had me fairly wishy-washy in terms of eating and exercise.
Boyfriend admitted he does not see himself as a gentleman farmer at any time in his life, but that's nothing new to my experience. I am used to my passions being my own and in some ways, that's very freeing. It's actually uncomfortable sometimes to have someone along who does not feel that same spark and hunger to learn about things as you do. I'm used to going these things alone, but also trying to make some new friends at the same time and expand my world. I'm hoping to volunteer more with the local horse show association this spring and summer, as well as with my carriage driving club.
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I need to write more. 'Nuff said.