Interesting Facts
Shout! Factory just released a three-disc set of The Secret Policeman's Balls, the famous Amnesty International benefit concerts from the '70s and '80s featuring members of Monty Python and Beyond the Fringe (among others). I'd never heard of these before, except passing references to the Pythons having participated, so I quickly snatched this up when one of the other libraries bought the set.
I really prefer the first two concert films - 1976's Pleasure at Her Majesty's, and 1979's The Secret Policeman's Ball. As the concerts built momentum and more people became aware of Amnesty International, you start getting big names from the pop music world involved (e.g., Sting, Phil Collins, Eric Clapton, Bob Geldof), whereas the earlier shows have the same sort of feel as Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl.
One of my favorite sketches was a performance of Peter Cook's "Interesting Facts," which he continued to tweak and refine over the course of his career; he performs it with John Cleese at the top of the '79 show. Me being the geek that I am, I scoured the internets for a transcript and could not find one... so I've done it myself.
What's really interesting is that I've found that it has to be done in a British accent. If you do it with a British accent, you only come across as a bore. If you do it in an American accent, you sound like you're mentally retarded.
Peter Cook: Did you know that you've got four miles of tubing in your stomach?
John Cleese: I beg your pardon?
Cook: I said did you know that you've got four miles of tubing in your stomach?
Cleese: No, no, I didn't know that, no.
Cook: It's a good thing I'm here then, isn't it? (pause) You have. You've got four miles of tubing in your stomach all coiled up very tightly. It has to be coiled up very tightly, otherwise the people in charge would never be able to cram it all in. (pause) Course, it's not any old tubing they use. It's a specialized form of tubing they use. It's called intestines. (pause) And it folds up ever so small. And that's how they manage to cram it all in. Aren't you interested in your intestines?
Cleese: Not particularly.
Cook: Well you should be... you should be. 'Cause without your intestines, you'd be unable to digest. Then you'd look a bit of a fool, wouldn't you? (pause; reaches into coat pocket) Would you like to see a diagram of your intestines? (takes out book, points at picture) Got a diagram of your intestines here. Well it's not actually YOUR intestines. Unless it was you what modeled for it. It couldn't be you what modeled for it because you have to be dead before you can model for intestines.
Cleese: Do you?
Cook: Yes, so it's not a very good job to have. (pause) Intestinal modeling is not a very good job to have. Not much call for intestinal modeling. See how far it has to go, the food? See how far it has to go? Four miles, at one mile an hour. This means none of the food that ever reaches your stomach is ever really fresh. It's all at least four hours old.
Cleese: Fancy that.
Cook: No I DON’T fancy that. Thank you very much indeed, I do not fancy that at all. I do no fancy that in the least tiny bit. I'll tell you another interesting fact, though. It's about the whale. Did you know that the whale is not really a fish... it's an insect. And it lives on bananas.
Cleese: The whale is an insect? I've never heard such rubbish!
Cook: I know. It's a joke. (pause) I will tell you an interesting fact. It's about the grasshopper. The interesting fact about the grasshopper is its disproportionate leapin' ability due to its powerful hind legs. Hop! hop! hop! it goes... all over arable land. That is land what is actually tilled by Arabs. (pause) And I'll tell you the interesting fact about the Arab. The interesting fact about the Arab is he can go for a whole year... he can go for a whole year on one grain of rice. Amazing! All he needs is one grain of rice a year.
Cleese: A whole year on one grain of rice?
Cook: No. Uh, that's the mosquito. No, I get those muddled up because they're next door to each other in the dictionary.
Cleese: What are?
Cook: “Mosquito” and “mosques.” (pause) But the interesting fact... the interesting fact about the giraffe is this: if the giraffe could leap, pound for pound, as high as the grasshopper, they'd avoid a lot of trouble.
Cleese: Shall I tell you something? You're one of the most boring, tedious, uninteresting, monotonous, flatulent, flat-headed, cloth-eared, swivel-eyed fornicating little gits I ever laid eyes on.
Cook: Is that a fact? How very interesting.
I really prefer the first two concert films - 1976's Pleasure at Her Majesty's, and 1979's The Secret Policeman's Ball. As the concerts built momentum and more people became aware of Amnesty International, you start getting big names from the pop music world involved (e.g., Sting, Phil Collins, Eric Clapton, Bob Geldof), whereas the earlier shows have the same sort of feel as Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl.
One of my favorite sketches was a performance of Peter Cook's "Interesting Facts," which he continued to tweak and refine over the course of his career; he performs it with John Cleese at the top of the '79 show. Me being the geek that I am, I scoured the internets for a transcript and could not find one... so I've done it myself.
What's really interesting is that I've found that it has to be done in a British accent. If you do it with a British accent, you only come across as a bore. If you do it in an American accent, you sound like you're mentally retarded.
Peter Cook: Did you know that you've got four miles of tubing in your stomach?
John Cleese: I beg your pardon?
Cook: I said did you know that you've got four miles of tubing in your stomach?
Cleese: No, no, I didn't know that, no.
Cook: It's a good thing I'm here then, isn't it? (pause) You have. You've got four miles of tubing in your stomach all coiled up very tightly. It has to be coiled up very tightly, otherwise the people in charge would never be able to cram it all in. (pause) Course, it's not any old tubing they use. It's a specialized form of tubing they use. It's called intestines. (pause) And it folds up ever so small. And that's how they manage to cram it all in. Aren't you interested in your intestines?
Cleese: Not particularly.
Cook: Well you should be... you should be. 'Cause without your intestines, you'd be unable to digest. Then you'd look a bit of a fool, wouldn't you? (pause; reaches into coat pocket) Would you like to see a diagram of your intestines? (takes out book, points at picture) Got a diagram of your intestines here. Well it's not actually YOUR intestines. Unless it was you what modeled for it. It couldn't be you what modeled for it because you have to be dead before you can model for intestines.
Cleese: Do you?
Cook: Yes, so it's not a very good job to have. (pause) Intestinal modeling is not a very good job to have. Not much call for intestinal modeling. See how far it has to go, the food? See how far it has to go? Four miles, at one mile an hour. This means none of the food that ever reaches your stomach is ever really fresh. It's all at least four hours old.
Cleese: Fancy that.
Cook: No I DON’T fancy that. Thank you very much indeed, I do not fancy that at all. I do no fancy that in the least tiny bit. I'll tell you another interesting fact, though. It's about the whale. Did you know that the whale is not really a fish... it's an insect. And it lives on bananas.
Cleese: The whale is an insect? I've never heard such rubbish!
Cook: I know. It's a joke. (pause) I will tell you an interesting fact. It's about the grasshopper. The interesting fact about the grasshopper is its disproportionate leapin' ability due to its powerful hind legs. Hop! hop! hop! it goes... all over arable land. That is land what is actually tilled by Arabs. (pause) And I'll tell you the interesting fact about the Arab. The interesting fact about the Arab is he can go for a whole year... he can go for a whole year on one grain of rice. Amazing! All he needs is one grain of rice a year.
Cleese: A whole year on one grain of rice?
Cook: No. Uh, that's the mosquito. No, I get those muddled up because they're next door to each other in the dictionary.
Cleese: What are?
Cook: “Mosquito” and “mosques.” (pause) But the interesting fact... the interesting fact about the giraffe is this: if the giraffe could leap, pound for pound, as high as the grasshopper, they'd avoid a lot of trouble.
Cleese: Shall I tell you something? You're one of the most boring, tedious, uninteresting, monotonous, flatulent, flat-headed, cloth-eared, swivel-eyed fornicating little gits I ever laid eyes on.
Cook: Is that a fact? How very interesting.
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