(no subject)
I dont have a computer anymore. It broke and I seriously doubt my dad will go get it fixed. Hes acting really stupid today:/ So I cant get on or update this thing when Im at someones house. Today really sucked. So much went wrong. But on a good note my brother will be 21 tomorrow! Im so happy. Im STILL waiting to go to softball. Last night I stayed up till 3 in the morning. I could not sleep at all. I colored my spanish calendar which took like 2 hours. So I have had like 3 or 4 hours of sleep today. It was Hartleys birthday on Wednesday! Nothing is really happening tonight. Its really boring. I just dont want to go home, but I have to.
I cant wait till I graduate. Im going to try my best to get into a college out of town. I dont think I can stay with my parents very much longer. I'll go crazy. Its sad if you have to be something else around your parents because you're scared. Its like my dad acts like he did NOTHING when he was my age. Which is a complete lie. And it just pisses me off because he expects me to be some perfect child because my older brother fucked up a lot. So all the pressure is on me to do good and do nothing wrong. And I hate it. It is also worse for me more then my brothers because they are boys and I guess to my dad its ok for them, but since I am his little girl I cant do anything wrong. If it were my first time to make a mistake I would have no life after that. But when my brothers mess up they were grounded like a week or two. I would be grounded for like months if I did half the stuff they did and got caught. And Im to afraid to make my own decision bc I dont want to hear a lecture from him about how I chose the wrong thing, but "hes not going to tell me what to do or what not to do." Which is bullshit because if I do what I want I know he wont like it and I cant stand to let him down. Hes the one person that can make me cry in a matter of seconds. Just the fear of letting him down or disappointing him is enough for me to feel like shit. I dont know why though. Because I dont really care what he thinks anymore. I dont know. Its just all so confusing for me right now. I really need a break from everything.
I cant wait till I graduate. Im going to try my best to get into a college out of town. I dont think I can stay with my parents very much longer. I'll go crazy. Its sad if you have to be something else around your parents because you're scared. Its like my dad acts like he did NOTHING when he was my age. Which is a complete lie. And it just pisses me off because he expects me to be some perfect child because my older brother fucked up a lot. So all the pressure is on me to do good and do nothing wrong. And I hate it. It is also worse for me more then my brothers because they are boys and I guess to my dad its ok for them, but since I am his little girl I cant do anything wrong. If it were my first time to make a mistake I would have no life after that. But when my brothers mess up they were grounded like a week or two. I would be grounded for like months if I did half the stuff they did and got caught. And Im to afraid to make my own decision bc I dont want to hear a lecture from him about how I chose the wrong thing, but "hes not going to tell me what to do or what not to do." Which is bullshit because if I do what I want I know he wont like it and I cant stand to let him down. Hes the one person that can make me cry in a matter of seconds. Just the fear of letting him down or disappointing him is enough for me to feel like shit. I dont know why though. Because I dont really care what he thinks anymore. I dont know. Its just all so confusing for me right now. I really need a break from everything.