(no subject)
-I got out of Comp II early today, but not for a good reason. My professor is coughing to the point that he can't speak any more. It was crazy. He was reading this article and he just started coughing for about 60 seconds straight (he was coughing before that, but it was the "straw that broke the camel's back" so to speak.) I felt so bad for the guy, cuz he's going to see his son in New York this weekend. It just sucked.
-I woke up about ten minutes before my alarm went off this morning. I was still almost late to class. I don't know how I manage that. I had about half an hour more in the morning more than I usually do (I always hit the snooze 2 times or so) and I still managed to leave my room at 9:23 for my 9:30 class. Weird...
-It's set. I'm getting a haircut before Spring Break. It's too hot, even now to have long hair, plus it's starting to look weird. I'm starting to look like a creepy dude...
-I'm going camping this weekend with my parents. It was my birthday last weekend and they are coming up to bake me a cake or something I guess...
-I am in quite a predicament. I will probably get asked about this later, but yeah. At a certain point in time that was quite stressful (to put it irreverently mildly) I was so sure about a certain thing in my life, and I know at this point in time, I was feeling as sure as I was because it was relatively new to me. This thing is not so absolute in my head anymore. Not that I don't believe it, I just don't feel as sure about any of it, not even as sure as I felt before this "incident," anymore. The only person that knows what I'm talking about has attained a level of "peace" that I have never truly had and I can't even get 10 minutes together to talk to this person. Our schedules are so terribly matched that even when we have no class there is no time to talk because either of us always has something to do. To be honest, I'm kind of envious. I'm in this state of "concrete insecurity" in this aspect of my life and I don't really know what I can do to change it. There are a few options I've been posed to help or aid in the correction of this problem, but when you've been "left out" of a group, for whatever reason, it's hard to try to force yourself back in. I guess I just kinda feel left out in general; from my friends, from this aspect of my life, but most importantly from the life of the person that is the most important to me. The worst thing about it is though, that if a person was to ask me how I was doing, I'd tell them I was fine. I feel fine at first thought. I think about it a little more, and I still feel fine. I know I should deal with this stuff, but I can't find the energy or the will in me to do it. Any way I can correct these problems will have pretty drastic results in other areas of my life, so there isn't much I can do about them. Now that I've had a few seconds to think about it, I feel excellent. I have a relationship that anyone would (and should if they wouldn't...) die for, I'm allowed to get my education, I can eat and sleep and stay out of the rain, but I just can't seem to be satisfied. I'm too ready to throw it all away, but I just can't do that. I have a disease that doesn't allow me to do that. If I don't make enough money to buy my medical supplies I'll die. Within days, I'd be dead. No more. If that wasn't the case, I'd be out of here. All of my needs and most of my wants would no longer be nurtured, but a huge part of me doesn't care. My heart doesn't care. I want my life to be different than what it has to be. I want to move to Europe and be an artist (albeit I'd be a terrible one...) with my beautiful wife and live in a poor-ass apartment and eat poor-ass food. However I'm essentially destined to be chained to the burden of money for my entire life: especially with the privatization of social security impending it's doom on a huge population of Americans. It's terrible, but I can see me in like ten-fifteen years and it's not who I want to be, but I won't have a choice. I hate it. I know that I can't follow my heart like I would like to. I know that I couldn't even if I didn't have to take of my diabetes. I'm a little too safe of a person to drop everything like that. I can see that the people that just drop it all like that (intentionally or not) don't end up happy. My professor in Comp, for example, has "run away" to Spain so many times in his life and he's not happy. He's still recovering from a divorce that happened years ago. He was too passionate for her, and he followed every passion he ever had. The regrets he compiled over the years are woven into his very pores. He has so many cool, interesting stories, but he has more than he says behind each one: a sad part so to speak. He's worn out and it's only a suspicion of mine, but I think he has some kind of terminal disease and is reevaluating his life. He always says how meaningless everything is and how "life is so short" and how "as you get closer to the end of your life you begin to refine your knowledge to only what really matters because there is a definite end in sight for everyone." It makes me sad that the following of all of his passions in his life got him where he is now. He can't afford to feed his dog, can't afford to make his wine that he's made every year before now, can't make time to write because he has to grade papers and crap to pay for his crappy apartment and crappy car. So which is better? To say that you've lived a full life and get awesome reactions from people after it's all over, or to (sometimes make yourself) realize that what you have is amazing and worth hanging on to if it truly is. Which is nobler? Is either one the answer? What matters in life? Time? Does it even matter? People matter for sure, but what about the other stuff. How can you enjoy time with people if you don't have at least a semblance of Stability in your life? Can you? When is it reasonable to say "I'm going to throw everything away and begin anew."? There are some situations in which this is absolutely necessary, but where do you draw the line? When is following your passion being childish and running away, and when is it taking responsibility for changing your life for the better? It's a fine line, I think. One I'll air on the side of caution on, but I don't know how right that is either. I need a good talking to/with. I'm going to go pack my bags for a long, easy weekend with my parents. I need to get out of this room. It's swallowing me up already...
-I woke up about ten minutes before my alarm went off this morning. I was still almost late to class. I don't know how I manage that. I had about half an hour more in the morning more than I usually do (I always hit the snooze 2 times or so) and I still managed to leave my room at 9:23 for my 9:30 class. Weird...
-It's set. I'm getting a haircut before Spring Break. It's too hot, even now to have long hair, plus it's starting to look weird. I'm starting to look like a creepy dude...
-I'm going camping this weekend with my parents. It was my birthday last weekend and they are coming up to bake me a cake or something I guess...
-I am in quite a predicament. I will probably get asked about this later, but yeah. At a certain point in time that was quite stressful (to put it irreverently mildly) I was so sure about a certain thing in my life, and I know at this point in time, I was feeling as sure as I was because it was relatively new to me. This thing is not so absolute in my head anymore. Not that I don't believe it, I just don't feel as sure about any of it, not even as sure as I felt before this "incident," anymore. The only person that knows what I'm talking about has attained a level of "peace" that I have never truly had and I can't even get 10 minutes together to talk to this person. Our schedules are so terribly matched that even when we have no class there is no time to talk because either of us always has something to do. To be honest, I'm kind of envious. I'm in this state of "concrete insecurity" in this aspect of my life and I don't really know what I can do to change it. There are a few options I've been posed to help or aid in the correction of this problem, but when you've been "left out" of a group, for whatever reason, it's hard to try to force yourself back in. I guess I just kinda feel left out in general; from my friends, from this aspect of my life, but most importantly from the life of the person that is the most important to me. The worst thing about it is though, that if a person was to ask me how I was doing, I'd tell them I was fine. I feel fine at first thought. I think about it a little more, and I still feel fine. I know I should deal with this stuff, but I can't find the energy or the will in me to do it. Any way I can correct these problems will have pretty drastic results in other areas of my life, so there isn't much I can do about them. Now that I've had a few seconds to think about it, I feel excellent. I have a relationship that anyone would (and should if they wouldn't...) die for, I'm allowed to get my education, I can eat and sleep and stay out of the rain, but I just can't seem to be satisfied. I'm too ready to throw it all away, but I just can't do that. I have a disease that doesn't allow me to do that. If I don't make enough money to buy my medical supplies I'll die. Within days, I'd be dead. No more. If that wasn't the case, I'd be out of here. All of my needs and most of my wants would no longer be nurtured, but a huge part of me doesn't care. My heart doesn't care. I want my life to be different than what it has to be. I want to move to Europe and be an artist (albeit I'd be a terrible one...) with my beautiful wife and live in a poor-ass apartment and eat poor-ass food. However I'm essentially destined to be chained to the burden of money for my entire life: especially with the privatization of social security impending it's doom on a huge population of Americans. It's terrible, but I can see me in like ten-fifteen years and it's not who I want to be, but I won't have a choice. I hate it. I know that I can't follow my heart like I would like to. I know that I couldn't even if I didn't have to take of my diabetes. I'm a little too safe of a person to drop everything like that. I can see that the people that just drop it all like that (intentionally or not) don't end up happy. My professor in Comp, for example, has "run away" to Spain so many times in his life and he's not happy. He's still recovering from a divorce that happened years ago. He was too passionate for her, and he followed every passion he ever had. The regrets he compiled over the years are woven into his very pores. He has so many cool, interesting stories, but he has more than he says behind each one: a sad part so to speak. He's worn out and it's only a suspicion of mine, but I think he has some kind of terminal disease and is reevaluating his life. He always says how meaningless everything is and how "life is so short" and how "as you get closer to the end of your life you begin to refine your knowledge to only what really matters because there is a definite end in sight for everyone." It makes me sad that the following of all of his passions in his life got him where he is now. He can't afford to feed his dog, can't afford to make his wine that he's made every year before now, can't make time to write because he has to grade papers and crap to pay for his crappy apartment and crappy car. So which is better? To say that you've lived a full life and get awesome reactions from people after it's all over, or to (sometimes make yourself) realize that what you have is amazing and worth hanging on to if it truly is. Which is nobler? Is either one the answer? What matters in life? Time? Does it even matter? People matter for sure, but what about the other stuff. How can you enjoy time with people if you don't have at least a semblance of Stability in your life? Can you? When is it reasonable to say "I'm going to throw everything away and begin anew."? There are some situations in which this is absolutely necessary, but where do you draw the line? When is following your passion being childish and running away, and when is it taking responsibility for changing your life for the better? It's a fine line, I think. One I'll air on the side of caution on, but I don't know how right that is either. I need a good talking to/with. I'm going to go pack my bags for a long, easy weekend with my parents. I need to get out of this room. It's swallowing me up already...