It all doesn't make me quit though
So heres the thing... everyone who graduated from high school has at least the faintest knowledge of what survival of the fittest means right... well thats all you need for this... in fact... if you have some extensive knowledge of science and biology... stop reading cuz im sure youll just pick apart the analogy that is taking place here... but anyways... survival of the fittest... i was thinkin today about how much it must suck to be weak one... that zebra you see on tv that gets killed by the lion... its not his fault he's small and helpless... am i the only one who thinks that... am i the only one who watched home alone and wondered how much high school must have sucked for that girl in the picture that Macaulay Culkin woofs at... you know the scene im talking about... its Buzz's girlfriend... yeah... never woof at anyone... anyways... back from that aside... it sucks being the weak one... i know i wouldnt want a lion to attack me... well maybe once actually... but only for fun... like in a dream or something... so yeah... that doesnt count... but yeah... sometimes i just wonder what its like to be the strong one... i dont really know exactly what i wish to be strong at... i have some ideas... but yeah... maybe if i were a strong student id get better grades... maybe if i were a strong christian i wouldnt have so much guilt... maybe if i were a strong friend i wouldnt feel like i abandoned so many people... maybe... maybe... but then at the same time... i am "fitter" than some... like what would it be like to not have shelter... or food... or parents... friends... or whatever else... but you know what... being the "fit" one doesnt really feel that great... like im sure the lion isnt too happy that he is top of the food chain... he just is... thats kinda like how i feel right now... im greatful for my blessings... but i actually kinda enjoy being the weak one sometimes... cuz being weak doesnt mean i die... it means im not perfect and i have somewhere to improve myself... and i think self-improvement is something thatll keep me busy for a while... probably until i die... which is a great way to waste time until i finally do...
... so i was doing some reading for class today ... now to preface this... i have to say that the class is aspects of aging... so it makes sense... my thoughts here are not completly random... anyways... it just kinda hit me that like my mom is going to retire soon... of course soon is like 15 years... but like it just got me thinking... like im going to have support her eventually... i mean im not positive as to the financial situation really... but like i did grow up there and it was never good when i lived there... so like i doubt the divorce and split-up really helped out enough for her to be able to retire ya know... i guess i was just having one of those worry moments where like i dont want my mom to retire and have to move into an old folks home and stuff like that... and of course even though i have 5 siblings i guess i just assume all the burden (priviledge) will be on me... im sure thats not true... but again... in my mind anything can be real... anyways... yeah... i just worry about these things... i wont even get into my own retirement yet...
...so last... today i got told first that im "one of the girls" and also that im "like a brother" ... sigh... its freshman year all over again... i might as well just turn gay... i guess that wont help either... mainly cuz of the fact that im not attracted to men... but yeah... the "one of the girls" doesnt bother me that much... i mean what do i expect when i work at victoria's secret... but the brother thing... im pretty much hopeless... its kinda nice make beleiving girls are interested in me... but they just never really are... well...
... so i was doing some reading for class today ... now to preface this... i have to say that the class is aspects of aging... so it makes sense... my thoughts here are not completly random... anyways... it just kinda hit me that like my mom is going to retire soon... of course soon is like 15 years... but like it just got me thinking... like im going to have support her eventually... i mean im not positive as to the financial situation really... but like i did grow up there and it was never good when i lived there... so like i doubt the divorce and split-up really helped out enough for her to be able to retire ya know... i guess i was just having one of those worry moments where like i dont want my mom to retire and have to move into an old folks home and stuff like that... and of course even though i have 5 siblings i guess i just assume all the burden (priviledge) will be on me... im sure thats not true... but again... in my mind anything can be real... anyways... yeah... i just worry about these things... i wont even get into my own retirement yet...
...so last... today i got told first that im "one of the girls" and also that im "like a brother" ... sigh... its freshman year all over again... i might as well just turn gay... i guess that wont help either... mainly cuz of the fact that im not attracted to men... but yeah... the "one of the girls" doesnt bother me that much... i mean what do i expect when i work at victoria's secret... but the brother thing... im pretty much hopeless... its kinda nice make beleiving girls are interested in me... but they just never really are... well...