...
I just feel ill. The holiday let down is too much for my fragile psyche. I wish it was like the old days when Chrismas season was celebrated for like a month before and after the 25th. So it wasn't like everything leading up to that, then the 26th like the biggest downer day in the world. My dad's side of the family is having Christmas Saturday, but yeah. Retail...weekend after Christmas....you even think Tom and I can come? hah. So it's over. It's done. My ma's side of the family doesn't let anyone know if they are doing anything.
We had my mom and sisters over here yesterday, it was awesome. I wish they coulda stayed for a longer time. But my sis's had to go to their dads. We wanted to watch Christmas movies and eat dessert, but that too didn't happen. It was great to have them here though. They were the few people that seemed genuinely happy to spend time with us and liked their gifts. His parents didn't say anything, my aunt and cousins didn't say anything. Totally sucks. We aren't in the poor house, but gawd. I wouldn't have tried to think of something they would like, get it together and wrap etc etc if I thought it was just going to be a bummer.
We spent like $50 bucks just on shipping this year. Dammned if I'm ever going to.............I don't know...lost thought. Sucks tho.
I feel sick. And fat. And sad. And useless. I just want to go out and see how long I can lay in the snow before I feel something. anything, cold, pain, happiness. Anything besides this damn long stifled cry. I hate this feeling.
I still need to take my dad stepmom n twins gifts over. That should be fun. ha. I haven't heard from them since August. At all. I totally missed their birthdays! Just realized that. wow. I'm a generally good fuckup, now aren't I. Guess I'll look @ some cards @ meijer for them today. shiiiit. I'm no better than them I guess. Go Jess. gawd.
today...I just feel like something inside of me has shriveld up. It died and is starting to rot. and if I don't get happy, or at least contain it....the emotional gangrene will attack me all over. killing off every good feeling along the way. Things can always be worse though. So I'll shut up.
I ........JUST.....gah. I feel like I NEED something...and/or I'm forgetting something. Just like I'm missing....something. Church? Friends? Happiness? Sex? Health? Contentment? Security? A Career? Good skin? Fuck........I don't know.
We had my mom and sisters over here yesterday, it was awesome. I wish they coulda stayed for a longer time. But my sis's had to go to their dads. We wanted to watch Christmas movies and eat dessert, but that too didn't happen. It was great to have them here though. They were the few people that seemed genuinely happy to spend time with us and liked their gifts. His parents didn't say anything, my aunt and cousins didn't say anything. Totally sucks. We aren't in the poor house, but gawd. I wouldn't have tried to think of something they would like, get it together and wrap etc etc if I thought it was just going to be a bummer.
We spent like $50 bucks just on shipping this year. Dammned if I'm ever going to.............I don't know...lost thought. Sucks tho.
I feel sick. And fat. And sad. And useless. I just want to go out and see how long I can lay in the snow before I feel something. anything, cold, pain, happiness. Anything besides this damn long stifled cry. I hate this feeling.
I still need to take my dad stepmom n twins gifts over. That should be fun. ha. I haven't heard from them since August. At all. I totally missed their birthdays! Just realized that. wow. I'm a generally good fuckup, now aren't I. Guess I'll look @ some cards @ meijer for them today. shiiiit. I'm no better than them I guess. Go Jess. gawd.
today...I just feel like something inside of me has shriveld up. It died and is starting to rot. and if I don't get happy, or at least contain it....the emotional gangrene will attack me all over. killing off every good feeling along the way. Things can always be worse though. So I'll shut up.
I ........JUST.....gah. I feel like I NEED something...and/or I'm forgetting something. Just like I'm missing....something. Church? Friends? Happiness? Sex? Health? Contentment? Security? A Career? Good skin? Fuck........I don't know.