(no subject)
I'm making so much progress here. Truly. I'm realizing it for the first time. Even if just realizing where I can improve. I have a horrible cough right now, and I sound like shit, but today my voice teacher said to me "You'd better sound really shitty in your jury, because if you continue to improve this rapidly, you're going to be amazing at your first jury and then I won't be able to take credit for any of it!" and "I really have to compliment you on having fixed your vibrato so rapidly... you pick up on stuff so fast." I'm starting to get "Better, freshman" every once in a while in Ballet again, and I know my technique has improved. My voice poem was real good in Lisa's class the other day, I can't wait for The River next week. I have no more jaw tension, my tongue is starting to loosen up. I feel emotions sometimes now. I cry. This is all very good. I need to be working harder, but still, this feels good.
I haven't written in too long. Halloween was incredible, both days of it. Last weekend's party was... well... crazy... I'm still cautious to write anything sketchy on here... I'm homesick but I'm going home in two weeks, I can't wait, I'm so excited. I'm going to Israel over Christmas with awesome people. I love Hillel, I love the people and the place. I gave my speach for my candidacy for Cultural VP tonight, I really hope I win.
The house is pulling together... we signed a lease, I'm turning in the rest of the deposit to our landlord tomorrow, we're up to four people, maybe we'll get a fifth if we feel like it, and I turned my petition in on Monday. I got an A on my Philosophy term paper, which is pretty cool for a three hour effort at what was supposed to be the culmination of weeks of work. Haha yay for Joshua, pulling off the impossible yet again.
So then there's the problem. I can't stop thinking about him. Jaime. I thought it was over, I thought it was just a summer thing that didn't work out so well. The thought of him is inhabiting me all the time. How much I miss him. How he's everything I'm looking for. How I should have found some way to hold on to him. How sad I am we never talk. How much I need him to know all of this. How adorable he is, and how sweet to me. How he liked me as much as I liked him, I believe. How perfect he was for me. How musical, artistic, chill, sexy, passionate, unique. How much I want him to know how much I think about him, how much I want him to be back in my life, how much I miss him, how sorry I am that it wasn't the right time for him and I, how much I hope that someday, it will be.
It was always about the music. About the music, and Chandra. Music, Chandra, and kisses. No Doubt. The Return of Saturn concert, August 2, 2000. He bought me a Dancehall Crashers CD, he gave it to me at the grill before I went back to Interlochen from Spring Break. The next day, we ate at Chaffin's, we talked in the park for a few minutes, and I drove him to work, at the gym. Stole a kiss goodbye before he got out of the car. Came back this summer, everything was different. He was uneasy and quiet each time we got together, uninterested and detached. Until the kisses started. Then we were more alive together than I've ever been. I miss holding him with my right arm while I steer the car with my left, running my fingers through his wavy hair. The last time I saw him, the second RXBandits concert. Then the livejournal drama. What a horrible way to end.
"No matter what happens, this is really special," he said to me, in my car, in the parking lot behind Tucson High.
He called me his Cellophane Boy. He's my Analog Boy.
"our parents wonder why kids are growing up so fast...
i couldn't believe my eyes when i woke up this morning
i looked at the sidewalk and there was a million people dressed the same...
Analog boy, in a digital world
don't be so digital
analog boy in a digital world
turn off your radio..."
-Analog Boy, by the RX Bandits
"And I can't relate to the hypnotist
And I can't get close, 'cause of plastic wrap
And I want to have kids, but their father's up inside the clouds
The distance between us on my mind
Up until now things have been fine, temporarily
You're cute, but the circumstances have changed
Your subtition method crutch
Your whole protection from your fame
There's presentation on my ploy
Is to change my cellophane boy..."
-Cellophane Boy, by No Doubt
Jaime, you'll always be my analog boy. Please let me be your cellophane boy.
I haven't written in too long. Halloween was incredible, both days of it. Last weekend's party was... well... crazy... I'm still cautious to write anything sketchy on here... I'm homesick but I'm going home in two weeks, I can't wait, I'm so excited. I'm going to Israel over Christmas with awesome people. I love Hillel, I love the people and the place. I gave my speach for my candidacy for Cultural VP tonight, I really hope I win.
The house is pulling together... we signed a lease, I'm turning in the rest of the deposit to our landlord tomorrow, we're up to four people, maybe we'll get a fifth if we feel like it, and I turned my petition in on Monday. I got an A on my Philosophy term paper, which is pretty cool for a three hour effort at what was supposed to be the culmination of weeks of work. Haha yay for Joshua, pulling off the impossible yet again.
So then there's the problem. I can't stop thinking about him. Jaime. I thought it was over, I thought it was just a summer thing that didn't work out so well. The thought of him is inhabiting me all the time. How much I miss him. How he's everything I'm looking for. How I should have found some way to hold on to him. How sad I am we never talk. How much I need him to know all of this. How adorable he is, and how sweet to me. How he liked me as much as I liked him, I believe. How perfect he was for me. How musical, artistic, chill, sexy, passionate, unique. How much I want him to know how much I think about him, how much I want him to be back in my life, how much I miss him, how sorry I am that it wasn't the right time for him and I, how much I hope that someday, it will be.
It was always about the music. About the music, and Chandra. Music, Chandra, and kisses. No Doubt. The Return of Saturn concert, August 2, 2000. He bought me a Dancehall Crashers CD, he gave it to me at the grill before I went back to Interlochen from Spring Break. The next day, we ate at Chaffin's, we talked in the park for a few minutes, and I drove him to work, at the gym. Stole a kiss goodbye before he got out of the car. Came back this summer, everything was different. He was uneasy and quiet each time we got together, uninterested and detached. Until the kisses started. Then we were more alive together than I've ever been. I miss holding him with my right arm while I steer the car with my left, running my fingers through his wavy hair. The last time I saw him, the second RXBandits concert. Then the livejournal drama. What a horrible way to end.
"No matter what happens, this is really special," he said to me, in my car, in the parking lot behind Tucson High.
He called me his Cellophane Boy. He's my Analog Boy.
"our parents wonder why kids are growing up so fast...
i couldn't believe my eyes when i woke up this morning
i looked at the sidewalk and there was a million people dressed the same...
Analog boy, in a digital world
don't be so digital
analog boy in a digital world
turn off your radio..."
-Analog Boy, by the RX Bandits
"And I can't relate to the hypnotist
And I can't get close, 'cause of plastic wrap
And I want to have kids, but their father's up inside the clouds
The distance between us on my mind
Up until now things have been fine, temporarily
You're cute, but the circumstances have changed
Your subtition method crutch
Your whole protection from your fame
There's presentation on my ploy
Is to change my cellophane boy..."
-Cellophane Boy, by No Doubt
Jaime, you'll always be my analog boy. Please let me be your cellophane boy.