A Clarification
(Warning: The following is written on the phone, crammed in the back seat with large quantities of ribs for the purpose of transport for Memorial day. Any grammatical errors are attributed to such accomodations)
To the people that talk to me on a somewhat regular basis and ask the question "how's things?", they usually get the response, with a slight shrug: I live. And, for a while, this was simply a catch all phrase meaning, quite simply, I'm alright. Not good, not bad; dead center on the emotional scale. But, lately, the term needs a bit of clarification. The following is also an attempt to try and break the recently growing trend of not really voicing anything about my current state of mind.
When I say "I live," it sometimes means I just have a lot on my mind. That constant thoughts are continue to flow through my head and sometimes I can't pinpoint just what's going on from second to second. Usually that's how my mind has already been. But, lately, it's been a cause for some moodswings. One second, I'm a smiling, giddy ball of energy. The next? Sombre and reflecting. It's almost like something triggers in my mind preventing any long lasting moments of pleasure and joy.
It means I want to move on. To feel like I actually have and to press on with my life, but it seems that, everywhere I turn, everytime I look inward, there's still some unresolved issue that I gotta plow through. It's a feeling of vulnerability I hate having and, no matter how many lectures I've had to the contrary, it just doesn't feel comfortable to have this nagging feeling of "mortality" on my brain. I'm used to feeling invincible, to feeling that there's nothing I can't fix. That's what I've been to this family for years and years. We all had our roles and I was the fixer. I may not be tech savvy like most professionals, but I always had or found a solution; be it to big or small problems. And, it wasn't like it all came crashing down with a personal "impersonal" phone call. It was a scream and a (I hate to say) traumatizing sight. You ever have that feeling where, you make a mistake and, you attempt to fix it but you fail? So you have this sinking feeling as you're forced to face the consequences? That's what I seem to have. Logically, I know it wasn't my fault but this was the one thing I couldn't fix, couldn't make better with a joke or a well thought out solution. No matter how much I pushed, how much I blew or touched my lips to his, he wouldn't wake up. I couldn't fix it
So there's that. Just this feeling of hopelessness. This anger at the world that things happened the way they did (it was just a stomach flu!). And, it's not like I can't talk to my peoples about it. I trust my fam and my very close friends (y'all know who you are); real talk. It's just, here is where I feel comfortable. I can spill and not feel as though I'm monopolizing anyone with my trivial bullshit and with things that I should be over with by know.
So there you go. All that summed up with two simple words: I live. It's easier, concise. And just downright less of a bore to read. But, for now? I'm gonna enjoy myself back at "home" in Chi-city. See y'all later
To the people that talk to me on a somewhat regular basis and ask the question "how's things?", they usually get the response, with a slight shrug: I live. And, for a while, this was simply a catch all phrase meaning, quite simply, I'm alright. Not good, not bad; dead center on the emotional scale. But, lately, the term needs a bit of clarification. The following is also an attempt to try and break the recently growing trend of not really voicing anything about my current state of mind.
When I say "I live," it sometimes means I just have a lot on my mind. That constant thoughts are continue to flow through my head and sometimes I can't pinpoint just what's going on from second to second. Usually that's how my mind has already been. But, lately, it's been a cause for some moodswings. One second, I'm a smiling, giddy ball of energy. The next? Sombre and reflecting. It's almost like something triggers in my mind preventing any long lasting moments of pleasure and joy.
It means I want to move on. To feel like I actually have and to press on with my life, but it seems that, everywhere I turn, everytime I look inward, there's still some unresolved issue that I gotta plow through. It's a feeling of vulnerability I hate having and, no matter how many lectures I've had to the contrary, it just doesn't feel comfortable to have this nagging feeling of "mortality" on my brain. I'm used to feeling invincible, to feeling that there's nothing I can't fix. That's what I've been to this family for years and years. We all had our roles and I was the fixer. I may not be tech savvy like most professionals, but I always had or found a solution; be it to big or small problems. And, it wasn't like it all came crashing down with a personal "impersonal" phone call. It was a scream and a (I hate to say) traumatizing sight. You ever have that feeling where, you make a mistake and, you attempt to fix it but you fail? So you have this sinking feeling as you're forced to face the consequences? That's what I seem to have. Logically, I know it wasn't my fault but this was the one thing I couldn't fix, couldn't make better with a joke or a well thought out solution. No matter how much I pushed, how much I blew or touched my lips to his, he wouldn't wake up. I couldn't fix it
So there's that. Just this feeling of hopelessness. This anger at the world that things happened the way they did (it was just a stomach flu!). And, it's not like I can't talk to my peoples about it. I trust my fam and my very close friends (y'all know who you are); real talk. It's just, here is where I feel comfortable. I can spill and not feel as though I'm monopolizing anyone with my trivial bullshit and with things that I should be over with by know.
So there you go. All that summed up with two simple words: I live. It's easier, concise. And just downright less of a bore to read. But, for now? I'm gonna enjoy myself back at "home" in Chi-city. See y'all later