Yeah so, wanna fight about it?
Yeah I know I just wrote one like a few hrs ago but shit's gotten worse since then and so I need an outlet. NIckie talked to me again today telling me how she got wasted last night and yadda yadda yadda. I told her I tried to be her friend, I really did, but all I can think about is how much I love her and so I cannot be her friend. The past few days I've been worrying myself which is odd and here's what I mean: Usually people who are depressed are in like a one-track state of mind, being sad and shit. Me, it's a constant battle between good and evil in my head. The good wants me to be like I was whereas the evil is my depression. The evil ALWAYS wins and I'm ALWAYS sad and depressed, even when u see me and I sport a smile, it's all a cherade. But, the past few days, in the back of my head it seems, are these thoughts of escape from depression and sometimes it gets sooo bad that a thought or two of suicide comes up. That work even scares me as I say it but it's true. Sometimes I wish I'd just die so it'd all be over with but then, most of the time rather quickly, new thoughts of "You'll get through this" and what not overpower that suicidal tendency. I scare myself now and I've even contemplated cutting myself like I used to. When my dad caught me doing that shit when I was 15 and 16, he told me that he and I should talk when I feel like this instead of doing stupid shit to hurt myself. I can't though. I feel embarassed talking about my problems in life. Talking about them over the internet to my friends that used to live here or whatever it easier because there's that barrier of the computer that lets me feel safe to open up. Even more so, this LJ is my savior because sometimes I feel too ashamed to tell things to those friends such as my suicidal thoughts and thoughts of carving myself, etc. LJ never responds, it just takes ur pain.
Samantha, the girl from my past, seemed like she was all into me and excited that I was coming home and she FINALLY broke up w/ that ASSHOLE boyfriend. But now, I guess I missed my chance by like a week because she's now dating a doctor that she works with or some shit. Just when I felt like there was only one person in the world that loves me, she disappears too. Fuck this life I wish I was dead.
Samantha, the girl from my past, seemed like she was all into me and excited that I was coming home and she FINALLY broke up w/ that ASSHOLE boyfriend. But now, I guess I missed my chance by like a week because she's now dating a doctor that she works with or some shit. Just when I felt like there was only one person in the world that loves me, she disappears too. Fuck this life I wish I was dead.