2004 Year in Review & Ending
i wanna make this review thing short and sweet....mainly because i forgot how to lj cut and i don't feel like writing this until 6AM like i did last year. i would also like to say that this is, in all likelihood, my last post on this journal. yeah, i'm closing it out for real this time. i'll probably open a private one for my own thoughts, because i do find it to be good therapy and it's a good way to practice my writing, but i'm done with all the other shit...you know, the sharing my thoughts publicly and actually giving a shit what you might think about it, even though i say here that i don't care. anyone who has ever commented on here or said anything to me about my writing or the content on here has meant something to me. everything does have an effect on me, despite what i might have you believe. why am i divulging this? because i've come to the decision that it's time to start changing, whether i feel i'm ready or not. i need to reassess certain things, and that's not bad...at least i don't think it is. i've made mistakes and i'd like to learn from them...take the horeshit and use it as manure to fertilize a better future...truthfully, i'll probably never feel i'm ready, so i'll just have to leap in with blind faith in myself and see what hands get dealt.
The year started on a grim note. my dog died in the middle of january (R.I.P. Jazzy, never forget ya!), and my friendship with Filk died not too long after that. i'd like to think it was an amicable split. i hold no grudges, and i'm sorry if i hurt his feelings in any way. i know this is cliched, but it's really not you Filk...it's me. i did what i felt was best for me. i don't regret it, but i do hope you're doing well and i wish you the best. (more on that later) so though i was depressed, didn't care about my appearance, and was near suicidal, i managed to go to my first and second concerts this year; both LP! i know as a lawn guylander you have to go to jones beach for a concert, and i've now fulfilled that pilgrimage.
april finally came and i finished out my time at RPI. yep, i had no finals that semester, and if i did have any i probably would've skipped them again! RPI was a tremendous experience for me, but not something i need to continue at this point. i came back to the Ville and got signed up at the gym for my birthday. i started out doing really well, but the toughest challenge is keeping it off. i was 240 when i got home, and was in the worst shape of my life thus far. with weight watchers and exercise, i was able to knock it down to 211. i've been off recently, but i plan on going back to the gym as early as tomorrow, and the diet should resume shortly after the holidays. my goal is to get back to 200 by january 25th, and that's one goal i plan on achieving! i'd like to address here that i've said some hurtful shit merely to provoke people that i don't even have any business with anymore, and i'd like to sincerely apologize for that. i was confronted, but wasn't able to do anything during the confrontation...not that i would've nowadays anyway. i'm a peaceful guy now, and i feel words can hurt far more than violence anyway. violence is a last resort now. i haven't had to come to blows in many years, and i'd frankly like to keep it that way. i wish you the best in your future as well...honestly.
this year seemed a lot less eventful than last year overall for me, though in some ways that could be a good thing. for instance, this review should be much shorter! hey, WRESTLEMANIA! can't leave that out, no sir! yes, wrestlemania was a time i'll never ever forget. it's a fond memory that my brother, steve (yes, i don't always call him Fro now!), and i will share forever. from the action to the crowd, including but not limited to spidey and the bald guy, that night was about as good as it gets. of course, we went through a lot of wrestling events, including the Heidenreich voyage to Jersey and back (which we've vowed to not do again, but we did get the classic "kick his ass, Seabass!" for our troubles!). we also met guys like matt hardy, eddie guererro, kurt angle, john cena, and of course hbk himself: shawn michaels!
summer came and went without a single yankee game all season. the team has become a true spectacle and tickets are very hard to come by now. of course, boston broke the curse and all that jazz (see how i tied monica into that?), but we don't need to dwell on that any further. they were a good team and i already gave them their due. as for wearing those attires, if you outlive me you can dress my corpse in it! then again, i might be getting cremated, but you could drape a boston hat on the urn then. july 4th was a day that stands out this past summer. frank came over and things seemed like old times, if for just one day. it may be my fault for not having the guts to tell him how i felt about things (maybe he'll be reading this, maybe not, who knows?), but i wonder if he even cares anyway. we had so much in common, and now it appears we really are quite different. i don't like it, but it's out of my hands now. it's his choice, and i think his decision is pretty clear. still, i also wish him the best and hold no ill will. things have changed, but our history can't be ignored forever. i'm sure something will happen some day, whether good or bad, we'll just have to see what happens.
november...Bush reelected....politics proved to be a fiasco once again, and i lost my faith in the invincibility of this country. we're failing as a nation, and it's the people's fault! go ahead and bitch about how i didn't vote, but it didn't matter anyway. it's the religious hicks in the south and mid-west who screwed this up. bring on the civil war part 2! of course, i'll head to mexico and you can call me when it's over!
so now i'm on LI for good. still your basic hermit. no relationship, few friends (most of whom i barely see), but i can't complain too much i guess. i like being alone for much of the time anyway, though i don't think i want to always be alone, if that makes sense at this point...my family therapist referred to me as a "modern-day Don Rickles," however you want to interpret that is up to you...car's running pretty well, and shit...i got a job! first one in two years....and with that i've been able to buy shit for the only person who truly matters...ME!!!! (just playing, though i did buy an ipod and a replica title belt - i'm looking to build a collection and eventually mount them in a wrestling room!). i was actually happy to see kim recently. it felt like a form of closure to a bad chapter, even if the encounter was left very open-ended (i could make another mean joke from there, but i think i've said enough). do i still hate her? no. could i see some of my old feelings, both good and bad, for her come back again? probably. could i see us as just being friends? i don't know...i know that's how she wanted it, but i can't help the way i acted. i'd just like to move on from all the bullshit at this point and be happy already....and i don't mean faking it like i have been for so long already; i mean really be happy. my definition of happy isn't smiling, either. i could smile at you and be miserable...i want peace and happiness...though i'm not even sure i know what that means...could be love; could be spiritual wellness; could be wealth; probably a combination of it all. i don't want any grudges anymore. i just want to move on with myself....hmm, maybe i just need to get out more...it's at the point where i'm actually starting to read things! AHHHHH!...anyway, i'm doing decently at suffolk (even passed the spanish clep) and hopefully am starting my way towards independence. i'm not who i was a year ago, or even half a year ago. that ain't to say i'm a shell of myself anymore, but i'm just different. my feet are closer to the ground, and my head a little further out of the clouds. i'm more focused on leading a plausible life rather than fulfilling my wildest dreams. of course, if i had the opportunity to try something i've always wanted, such as performing, i'd definitely give it a go, but when shit falls, you gotta have something to hold on to. i think i've stepped out of that white rapper/baseball box that i had built for myself. fame is fleeting, as they say...my aspirations are still there, but they aren't blind ones...hey, but i'll keep writing and doin my thing! heh...
as for my 2005 perspective, i'm keeping a positive outlook. i'm probably gonna go to stony brook for an english degree and teaching certification, perhaps with a minor in journalism. i could see myself teaching, as i don't mind speaking in front of an audience, and it allows many side projects, such as writing and whatever else comes...i've also considered dowling to try sports management, but that may be more of my head being in the clouds still. that sounds fun, but it sounds less definite. i'll be buying more shit (and by the way, don't ever shop FYE...they are still screwing me on my Halo 2 and i'll never shop from them again!), and we're already set to go to the first Raw of the year, meet Triple H, meet Undertaker, and go to a Raw house show. i've already bought tickets to a yankee game that we'll hopefully get to, and hopefully Beltran will become our centerfielder. as for Giambi, those steroids are his business, and whatever is done is done. i'm rooting for him to get his game back without the stuff, but if he can't then sayonora, big guy! i realize this has been all over the place, but i'm trying to keep it brief here while getting everything in...i've estimated that i'd like to try to get my own place by the time i'm 22 or 23, but the question is if i'll be able to afford anything around here. i won't get too ahead of myself, but i know that one way or another i gotta become independent. i can't let my mother's prophecies come true. as much as i hate this shit...i love this shit. i think that just about covers it, though i'm sure i'll be missing something that i might end up editing in later for my own sanity....
not much changed, some did...and some still has to. i ain't just some wannabe white rapper anymore, and that means that, for one thing, i won't chop you up and hide you in my trunk, ladies (just playing again...or am i?!!!)...ehhhh, the talk is over, and i'm done explaining myself to you. you know already. let's march on to 2005 and see what unfolds. i'm more than ready for it! goodbye 2004! may 2005 bring us peace (doubt it) and prosperity. God bless! (though my stance there is still unclear, but i've spent more money than ever on this blessed holiday.)
well, i still tried to keep it short. peace!
[Fin] ----- i felt the need to put that in there...
**bigchineseblunt: Transmission Cancelled**
The year started on a grim note. my dog died in the middle of january (R.I.P. Jazzy, never forget ya!), and my friendship with Filk died not too long after that. i'd like to think it was an amicable split. i hold no grudges, and i'm sorry if i hurt his feelings in any way. i know this is cliched, but it's really not you Filk...it's me. i did what i felt was best for me. i don't regret it, but i do hope you're doing well and i wish you the best. (more on that later) so though i was depressed, didn't care about my appearance, and was near suicidal, i managed to go to my first and second concerts this year; both LP! i know as a lawn guylander you have to go to jones beach for a concert, and i've now fulfilled that pilgrimage.
april finally came and i finished out my time at RPI. yep, i had no finals that semester, and if i did have any i probably would've skipped them again! RPI was a tremendous experience for me, but not something i need to continue at this point. i came back to the Ville and got signed up at the gym for my birthday. i started out doing really well, but the toughest challenge is keeping it off. i was 240 when i got home, and was in the worst shape of my life thus far. with weight watchers and exercise, i was able to knock it down to 211. i've been off recently, but i plan on going back to the gym as early as tomorrow, and the diet should resume shortly after the holidays. my goal is to get back to 200 by january 25th, and that's one goal i plan on achieving! i'd like to address here that i've said some hurtful shit merely to provoke people that i don't even have any business with anymore, and i'd like to sincerely apologize for that. i was confronted, but wasn't able to do anything during the confrontation...not that i would've nowadays anyway. i'm a peaceful guy now, and i feel words can hurt far more than violence anyway. violence is a last resort now. i haven't had to come to blows in many years, and i'd frankly like to keep it that way. i wish you the best in your future as well...honestly.
this year seemed a lot less eventful than last year overall for me, though in some ways that could be a good thing. for instance, this review should be much shorter! hey, WRESTLEMANIA! can't leave that out, no sir! yes, wrestlemania was a time i'll never ever forget. it's a fond memory that my brother, steve (yes, i don't always call him Fro now!), and i will share forever. from the action to the crowd, including but not limited to spidey and the bald guy, that night was about as good as it gets. of course, we went through a lot of wrestling events, including the Heidenreich voyage to Jersey and back (which we've vowed to not do again, but we did get the classic "kick his ass, Seabass!" for our troubles!). we also met guys like matt hardy, eddie guererro, kurt angle, john cena, and of course hbk himself: shawn michaels!
summer came and went without a single yankee game all season. the team has become a true spectacle and tickets are very hard to come by now. of course, boston broke the curse and all that jazz (see how i tied monica into that?), but we don't need to dwell on that any further. they were a good team and i already gave them their due. as for wearing those attires, if you outlive me you can dress my corpse in it! then again, i might be getting cremated, but you could drape a boston hat on the urn then. july 4th was a day that stands out this past summer. frank came over and things seemed like old times, if for just one day. it may be my fault for not having the guts to tell him how i felt about things (maybe he'll be reading this, maybe not, who knows?), but i wonder if he even cares anyway. we had so much in common, and now it appears we really are quite different. i don't like it, but it's out of my hands now. it's his choice, and i think his decision is pretty clear. still, i also wish him the best and hold no ill will. things have changed, but our history can't be ignored forever. i'm sure something will happen some day, whether good or bad, we'll just have to see what happens.
november...Bush reelected....politics proved to be a fiasco once again, and i lost my faith in the invincibility of this country. we're failing as a nation, and it's the people's fault! go ahead and bitch about how i didn't vote, but it didn't matter anyway. it's the religious hicks in the south and mid-west who screwed this up. bring on the civil war part 2! of course, i'll head to mexico and you can call me when it's over!
so now i'm on LI for good. still your basic hermit. no relationship, few friends (most of whom i barely see), but i can't complain too much i guess. i like being alone for much of the time anyway, though i don't think i want to always be alone, if that makes sense at this point...my family therapist referred to me as a "modern-day Don Rickles," however you want to interpret that is up to you...car's running pretty well, and shit...i got a job! first one in two years....and with that i've been able to buy shit for the only person who truly matters...ME!!!! (just playing, though i did buy an ipod and a replica title belt - i'm looking to build a collection and eventually mount them in a wrestling room!). i was actually happy to see kim recently. it felt like a form of closure to a bad chapter, even if the encounter was left very open-ended (i could make another mean joke from there, but i think i've said enough). do i still hate her? no. could i see some of my old feelings, both good and bad, for her come back again? probably. could i see us as just being friends? i don't know...i know that's how she wanted it, but i can't help the way i acted. i'd just like to move on from all the bullshit at this point and be happy already....and i don't mean faking it like i have been for so long already; i mean really be happy. my definition of happy isn't smiling, either. i could smile at you and be miserable...i want peace and happiness...though i'm not even sure i know what that means...could be love; could be spiritual wellness; could be wealth; probably a combination of it all. i don't want any grudges anymore. i just want to move on with myself....hmm, maybe i just need to get out more...it's at the point where i'm actually starting to read things! AHHHHH!...anyway, i'm doing decently at suffolk (even passed the spanish clep) and hopefully am starting my way towards independence. i'm not who i was a year ago, or even half a year ago. that ain't to say i'm a shell of myself anymore, but i'm just different. my feet are closer to the ground, and my head a little further out of the clouds. i'm more focused on leading a plausible life rather than fulfilling my wildest dreams. of course, if i had the opportunity to try something i've always wanted, such as performing, i'd definitely give it a go, but when shit falls, you gotta have something to hold on to. i think i've stepped out of that white rapper/baseball box that i had built for myself. fame is fleeting, as they say...my aspirations are still there, but they aren't blind ones...hey, but i'll keep writing and doin my thing! heh...
as for my 2005 perspective, i'm keeping a positive outlook. i'm probably gonna go to stony brook for an english degree and teaching certification, perhaps with a minor in journalism. i could see myself teaching, as i don't mind speaking in front of an audience, and it allows many side projects, such as writing and whatever else comes...i've also considered dowling to try sports management, but that may be more of my head being in the clouds still. that sounds fun, but it sounds less definite. i'll be buying more shit (and by the way, don't ever shop FYE...they are still screwing me on my Halo 2 and i'll never shop from them again!), and we're already set to go to the first Raw of the year, meet Triple H, meet Undertaker, and go to a Raw house show. i've already bought tickets to a yankee game that we'll hopefully get to, and hopefully Beltran will become our centerfielder. as for Giambi, those steroids are his business, and whatever is done is done. i'm rooting for him to get his game back without the stuff, but if he can't then sayonora, big guy! i realize this has been all over the place, but i'm trying to keep it brief here while getting everything in...i've estimated that i'd like to try to get my own place by the time i'm 22 or 23, but the question is if i'll be able to afford anything around here. i won't get too ahead of myself, but i know that one way or another i gotta become independent. i can't let my mother's prophecies come true. as much as i hate this shit...i love this shit. i think that just about covers it, though i'm sure i'll be missing something that i might end up editing in later for my own sanity....
not much changed, some did...and some still has to. i ain't just some wannabe white rapper anymore, and that means that, for one thing, i won't chop you up and hide you in my trunk, ladies (just playing again...or am i?!!!)...ehhhh, the talk is over, and i'm done explaining myself to you. you know already. let's march on to 2005 and see what unfolds. i'm more than ready for it! goodbye 2004! may 2005 bring us peace (doubt it) and prosperity. God bless! (though my stance there is still unclear, but i've spent more money than ever on this blessed holiday.)
well, i still tried to keep it short. peace!
[Fin] ----- i felt the need to put that in there...
**bigchineseblunt: Transmission Cancelled**