to be a whiny bitch...
I get invited to stuff still, this be true fo-sho-tot-moozle-mcschmoozle... but it seems like i rarely get invited to a lot of shit and refuse (English Upbringing) to invite myself to anything that may or may not be going on. Instead I'll be like the rest of the denizen world and bitch about it.
When I do (i.e. when i organize events and such) stuff people always want to go or complain they they didn't go, weren't invited even though they usually were... or assume dumb shit and don't go because they just assumed a bunch of stuff about the whole ordeal... or more often than not esp. lately (when my dime is involved, time, desire, et al.) the supposed adventure is met with "yeah I am totally up for it" then "whatever" gets in the way, or doesn't and it all goes FUBAR to the point where it is just me in the picture...
This has happened too much in the past month or more... and the ongoing dramas between different peoples (my selves included) often makes for a turbulent time in planning anything let alone looking forward to those things actually happening.
So I am not. This is the biggest reason I cancelled Ben Day, plus it's just stupid... I don't want to throw myself a birthday party, fuck I don't even want to have a birthday this year and that is a fucking first for me and it has nothing to do with me getting older or any of that B.S... I get older every fucking day no matter if it is 18 June or NOT. I'm just growing entirely spent on people asking me to come up with ideas for things to do, to be the coordinator and planner and what-have-you of fun things and then the people who asked me don't even show. I am sick of a lot of things and entirely distrustful of just about everyone I know... likewise I'm sure there are throngs of onlookers (or at least a well placed few) who feel the same about me... though to tell you the truth, there isn't anything nefarious in the least going on over in Wright Land... just an acceptable amount of misery and a slow painful death of the absolute.
The unfortunate thing is I need/want/desire people to talk to and do not feel I can talk to the people I felt I could talk to because they've done some fucked up shit and broke a lot of confidentiality I was under the impression we had for naught.
So I sit in my secret palace distanced so far from the humanity I once let in so close that it doesn't even seem like I am really present any more when I should be and am.
I'm glad I can still serve as listener to people who are having shit days, weeks, months, lives... and can better them in the very least in this capacity... I only wish some of them could serve a reciprotive role in my life... but they can not, they fucked that up and they know it and well truly it only sucks for me.
I had a brief mostly one sided conversation about missing things, people, times with someone earlier and truth be told... as much as I may miss anything as it was then, or wasn't or what have you... I don't want any of it back... I want it to be right now the way it is at this moment. I have no regrets. I plan to keep things going in this fashion until the point of my actual expiration.
I am not a super-human. I am human.
I am growing more and more jaded by those around me and don't want to be. I'm trying to think of stuff to keep me from just saying fuck it in a lot of cases, but someone once told me a friend never gives up... or something to that extent.
I'm growing pretty old and tired though and a-lot of these days makes me feel as if I never left the lavish-land of high school mediocrity.
From what I understand it is this way everywhere. Fuck my mum and her friends used to do the same kinds of things and it bugged me so much that I'd usually leave the social function.
"Hey we did something cool that Ben was right there for and we could have invited him to but chose not to and we're going to tell him about it the next day."
Thanks. I was um, standing right there... for a while actually.
My feelings are just hurt and maybe it's dumb... who knows... but my feelings aren't actually allowed to get hurt. So...
fuck it...
Space Boy
Ben
When I do (i.e. when i organize events and such) stuff people always want to go or complain they they didn't go, weren't invited even though they usually were... or assume dumb shit and don't go because they just assumed a bunch of stuff about the whole ordeal... or more often than not esp. lately (when my dime is involved, time, desire, et al.) the supposed adventure is met with "yeah I am totally up for it" then "whatever" gets in the way, or doesn't and it all goes FUBAR to the point where it is just me in the picture...
This has happened too much in the past month or more... and the ongoing dramas between different peoples (my selves included) often makes for a turbulent time in planning anything let alone looking forward to those things actually happening.
So I am not. This is the biggest reason I cancelled Ben Day, plus it's just stupid... I don't want to throw myself a birthday party, fuck I don't even want to have a birthday this year and that is a fucking first for me and it has nothing to do with me getting older or any of that B.S... I get older every fucking day no matter if it is 18 June or NOT. I'm just growing entirely spent on people asking me to come up with ideas for things to do, to be the coordinator and planner and what-have-you of fun things and then the people who asked me don't even show. I am sick of a lot of things and entirely distrustful of just about everyone I know... likewise I'm sure there are throngs of onlookers (or at least a well placed few) who feel the same about me... though to tell you the truth, there isn't anything nefarious in the least going on over in Wright Land... just an acceptable amount of misery and a slow painful death of the absolute.
The unfortunate thing is I need/want/desire people to talk to and do not feel I can talk to the people I felt I could talk to because they've done some fucked up shit and broke a lot of confidentiality I was under the impression we had for naught.
So I sit in my secret palace distanced so far from the humanity I once let in so close that it doesn't even seem like I am really present any more when I should be and am.
I'm glad I can still serve as listener to people who are having shit days, weeks, months, lives... and can better them in the very least in this capacity... I only wish some of them could serve a reciprotive role in my life... but they can not, they fucked that up and they know it and well truly it only sucks for me.
I had a brief mostly one sided conversation about missing things, people, times with someone earlier and truth be told... as much as I may miss anything as it was then, or wasn't or what have you... I don't want any of it back... I want it to be right now the way it is at this moment. I have no regrets. I plan to keep things going in this fashion until the point of my actual expiration.
I am not a super-human. I am human.
I am growing more and more jaded by those around me and don't want to be. I'm trying to think of stuff to keep me from just saying fuck it in a lot of cases, but someone once told me a friend never gives up... or something to that extent.
I'm growing pretty old and tired though and a-lot of these days makes me feel as if I never left the lavish-land of high school mediocrity.
From what I understand it is this way everywhere. Fuck my mum and her friends used to do the same kinds of things and it bugged me so much that I'd usually leave the social function.
"Hey we did something cool that Ben was right there for and we could have invited him to but chose not to and we're going to tell him about it the next day."
Thanks. I was um, standing right there... for a while actually.
My feelings are just hurt and maybe it's dumb... who knows... but my feelings aren't actually allowed to get hurt. So...
fuck it...
Space Boy
Ben