(no subject)
OMG..... Guys... I just flipped out. My boyfriend left the apartment b/c he couldn't be here any longer and listen to me go on. I think I officially LOST MY MIND.
We were fooling around and I looked down and saw my stomach... and my hips... and I saw all the fat. And I got so pissed off.... I've been starving myself and there is still fat there. I felt so disgusting I started crying. Jason got worried and I just started yelling and screaming.. I'm fucking 83 pounds! WHY THE FUCK IS THERE STILL FAT ALL OVER MY BODY!!!! I can't handle this... he said he's gonna take a walk so I came online. I hate my body... I've been doing everything I could to change that and it's not working.... why the hell is it not working. The other day I would have killed to eat a brownie at work. The sweet chocolate melting in my mouth, savoring every single last taste of sugar. It took all my mental strength not to eat it. Finally, I burned my finger on a pot to try to keep my mind off of it. I'm not a cutter, or self destructive or anything.. so this was new. I'm loosing my mind..... I can't stop shaking. I feel like I'm a tornado-out of control and destructive-.
Jason yelled... "god fucking damn it.. doesn't it matter at all that I think you're fucking gorgeous... and what you're doing is killing ME. Because I have to watch you waste away before my eyes.... I know you want to feel more beautiful and that's why i didn't argue.. But you're killing yourself."
and he left.
I'm so scared. I've no control over this thing anymore. Even if I wanted to eat something, I don't. I suck down Metabolife and water... and distract myself. I've tried eating little things. Like a tomato, or even apples.. and I spit it out because I just can't take it. But obviously 83 isn't enough. There is still pounds and pounds of fat all over my body. And I feel so disgusting....
We were fooling around and I looked down and saw my stomach... and my hips... and I saw all the fat. And I got so pissed off.... I've been starving myself and there is still fat there. I felt so disgusting I started crying. Jason got worried and I just started yelling and screaming.. I'm fucking 83 pounds! WHY THE FUCK IS THERE STILL FAT ALL OVER MY BODY!!!! I can't handle this... he said he's gonna take a walk so I came online. I hate my body... I've been doing everything I could to change that and it's not working.... why the hell is it not working. The other day I would have killed to eat a brownie at work. The sweet chocolate melting in my mouth, savoring every single last taste of sugar. It took all my mental strength not to eat it. Finally, I burned my finger on a pot to try to keep my mind off of it. I'm not a cutter, or self destructive or anything.. so this was new. I'm loosing my mind..... I can't stop shaking. I feel like I'm a tornado-out of control and destructive-.
Jason yelled... "god fucking damn it.. doesn't it matter at all that I think you're fucking gorgeous... and what you're doing is killing ME. Because I have to watch you waste away before my eyes.... I know you want to feel more beautiful and that's why i didn't argue.. But you're killing yourself."
and he left.
I'm so scared. I've no control over this thing anymore. Even if I wanted to eat something, I don't. I suck down Metabolife and water... and distract myself. I've tried eating little things. Like a tomato, or even apples.. and I spit it out because I just can't take it. But obviously 83 isn't enough. There is still pounds and pounds of fat all over my body. And I feel so disgusting....